Moments of Singleness

That’s My Momma!

2008-09-05T09:13:00.000-05:00

Much has been written of the plight and struggles of single mothers. There are some who look with condemnation at the existence of mothers who are raising children without the benefit of a marriage partner. Often, these same people will use these single mothers as poster board material for what is wrong with the American family. Others take a less condescending view of single motherhood. These people express more sympathy than outrage at these women who have to play the dual role of mommy and daddy.

As I look around at my friends and associates, I understand that I am part of an increasingly rare group. My 5 siblings and I grew up in a two-parent household. Raising 6 children who each had their own personality traits and quirks is no easy feat. Of the six children, 5 of them were born in successive years, so that amounted to a lot of diapers, vaccination shots, running noses and discipline challenges that occurred at the same time. My youngest brother, who was born 4 years after child number five was born deaf, so my parents had the added challenge of raising a “special needs” child. In the midst of hand me downs, tattle-tales, crowded bedrooms, competition for access to the only bathroom in the house and daily races to see who will get the last biscuit, my siblings and I had what I would say was a relatively normal childhood. The rarity of our experiences had to do with one simple, but powerful fact. My father came home every night and there was never a period of time when our mother or her children had to wonder where daddy was. We never had to explain why he was staying with someone else on the other side of town nor did we have to make up lies to explain his extended absences. Unfortunately, that is a picture of the American family that is quickly fading from our view of what is normal.

Long after all six children were grown and living elsewhere, my father passed away. It never dawned on me until recently that by definition; my mother became a single mother when my father died. I suppose that I like many of you traditionally view a single mother as someone who is actively raising young children. I also must admit that I tended to define my mother as just that, a mother. Not a woman with sexual desires and needs. Not a person who felt lonely at times. Not a woman who had dreams that were deferred and even denied for the sake of her family. No, she’s just momma.

But even though all of her children are grown (and like the old folks used to say) “smelling ourselves”, mom still had to negotiate the different and sometimes competing personalities of her children, the extended periods of no phone calls while sometimes withstanding the onslaughts of blame that supposedly grown children hurl at the mom for the “sins” of the father, the man she was married to. She still worried about us as much if not more as when we called ourselves sneaking in at night after curfew. She still defended us against the harsh judgments of the world or even from fellow siblings and extended family. And to my mom’s credit, she has been the most ardent defender of my dad who was human and who like all of us, had his faults. Yes, dad should get credit for coming home every night, but mom gets credit for being home every day.

To my recent shock, I realized that my mom is a single mother. Although she is not wiping snotty noses and driving the kids to football practice and dance recitals, she is still fulfilling the role of mom. So if you take the time to read some of my other posts where I praise the strength of singles mothers, keep in mind one of the people I am referring to is my momma! Let’s pay our respects to our single mothers out there whether they are prospective dating partners, our next door neighbors or the co-worker who often has to leave work to care for a sick child.

Thank God for the commitment and love of single mothers.

You Never Know

2008-08-18T23:46:00.000-05:00

We all have had times when we honestly do not know how things will turn out. We have our hopes, our expectations and even our best case and worse case scenarios. But every once in a while, we are clueless as to what lies around the corner.

These periods of uncertainty occur for Christian singles as well. Whether the questions we face have to do with marriage or true romance or financial security or sexual satisfaction or lifelong friendships, we REALLY don’t know how things will turn out. For those of us who like to base their lives on clichés; the phrase “I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future” comes to mind. But seriously folks, haven’t you ever wanted God to let you in on some of the outcomes in your future?

To make matters worse, we often do not pay attention when people we interact with hint at uncertainties in their lives. We tell them, “God knows” or “You’ll be alright” or “He won’t put more on you than you can bear”. But when you know that you don’t know what the future holds, these phrases have the same impact of “Blah, blah, blah”.

Faith is about seeing the unseen and our feelings of anxieties about our future are a measurement of our faith. Just as we Christian singles should strive to increase our faith, we should do what we can to help strengthen the faith of others.

You never know what people are going through. But the first thing we can to help the faith of others is to pay attention and listen. People may not come out and directly say what they are struggling with, but if we listen to their words, we can detect clues concerning their situation.

Once we “hear” what the person is saying, let’s avoid dumping clichés at their feet and let’s stop blowing them off with useless and trite sayings. Instead, let’s truly feel their pain, especially since their pain is very much like our own.

Next, let’s not let our prayers for others be the last thing we do for them. Let’s encourage them. Let’s inquire about their progress. Let’s roll up our sleeves and help them.

By doing these things; Christian singles can be a great source of growth when it comes to our faith and the faith of others. Because we are human, we will have anxieties about the problems and challenges in our lives. But the feeling of uncertainty is not really the problem. Rather, the problem lies in the fact of how we allow that uncertainty to weaken our faith. So before we become overwhelmed by the lack of visible clues to how things will turn out, let’s turn our attention to helping others increase their faith. By helping others, you also will end up helping others. God is still in the blessing business even when we fear that business has gone bankrupt. That fact should keep us going even when we really don’t know.

Bad Jokes!

2008-08-11T17:45:00.000-05:00

We all have heard jokes that start with something like: “A buxom blonde, a Jewish priest and a Native American enter a bar…” Depending on the punch line, we can label the comedian as racist, sexist or a number of other negative “ists”.

Well it’s time I try my hand at a few bad jokes, but hopefully only my jokes will receive negative reviews and not my character.

A White male, a Black male and a single person go into a certain place, who is the last one to be acknowledged? Answer - If the certain place is a local church, the answer is the single person. It is no laughing matter that when it comes to highly esteemed appointments in many of our local churches; active members who happen to also be single are the last ones to be considered.

A White female, a Black female and a single female (of any race) go into a certain place, who is the first one to be bombarded with opinions on what it means to be whole? Answer - If that certain place is the church, the answer again is the single person. One of the first things well-meaning people will say to a single person is either: “You can be whole without being married” (as if single people need to be reminded of this fact) or “You are wrong to base your sense of “wholeness” on finding a romantic partner.” The second statement forgets that many married people often feel “completed” by their husband or wife. My point? Wholeness is a not dependent upon one’s marital status. Instead, the quality of one’s relationship to God is the main factor in how “whole” one is. So whoever you are out there, stop giving demeaning and inaccurate pronouncements on wholeness to single people unless you are also going to dump that same mess on married folks.

A married person, a single person and a homosexual person go into a certain place, who is the first one to be given relationship advice? Answer - If the certain place is the family reunion, it’s the single person. If the certain place is the church, it is also the single person. In many of our churches, the married person is assumed to “get it” when it comes to knowing how to sustain a long-term relationship. In many of these same churches, the homosexual is assumed to “not get it” about sustaining spiritually “approved” relationships and this is often based on many misunderstood and misinterpreted Bible scriptures. But as for the single person in many of these same churches, the “obvious” assumption is that when it comes to sustaining long-term romantic relationships, they do understand what it takes. Hence, single people are often bombarded with advice (in my opinion, most of this advice is bad) on how to hook a man or a woman.

I have a double challenge for you the reader.

The first challenge is to use the format employed above to come up with your own version of bad jokes that involve singles. Share them with me and I will share them in the blog. (If you don’t want me to share them in the blog, then please don’t send them to me.)

The second challenge is for all of us to be more sensitive to how we view other singles. Let’s be more of an advocate for each other. Let’s treat other singles with respect. This includes those singles we date, work with, workout with, encounter in the Wal-Mart parking lot (See “Da-Yum!” http://mooskm.blogspot.com/2008/08/da-yum.html ) or attend church with. Finally, let’s stop passing on to other singles all that bad advice we get on how to “escape” from the so-called prison of singleness.

One Monkey….

2008-08-10T14:50:00.001-05:00

Everybody that thinks being a Christian single is easy, raise their hands and shout “Whooeee!” Judging form the relative silence out there, I take it that many of you have your share of what I call “Bad Singleness Days”. Well, count me in.

But thanks be to God that one monkey don’t stop no show!

Before we descend into some kind of crazy singleness self-pity party, let’s see what we can do to get that monkey off our backs. Because as I see it, that persistent monkey volunteers himself to take a piggy-back ride on each of us regardless if we are White or Black, old or young, rich or poor, skinny or not-so-skinny and whatever other group of Christians you may find yourself in.

Remember That God Made That Monkey And He Made Us - As long as that monkey stays on the other side of the fence at the zoo or stays somewhere out there instead of harassing the “bejeebies” out of us, they are cute almost cuddly little creatures. God has the ability and willingness to keep us and that monkey out of each other’s way.
Remember To Love God First Before We Search For Love Elsewhere - Most of us have to admit that when we put our search for love ahead of our love for God, that was akin to inviting that monkey to hitch a ride on our backs. Often, we ended up broken-hearted, broke-down and feeling beat down. But when we kept the main thing THE main thing (See “Keeping The Main Thing The Main Thing” http://mooskm.blogspot.com/2007/03/keeping-main-thing-main-thing.html), God has a way of insuring that monkey does not cross our paths.
Remember That God Wants Us To Live A Blessed Life - Instead of viewing God as a grumpy grouch who does not want us to enjoy life, let’s study His Word to see how He wants us to have life and to have it more abundantly. Part of that abundance has to do with helping us avoid needless confrontations with the unwelcome monkeys in our lives.
Remember That A Life of Service To Others Puts Us On The Pathway to Blessedness - As single Christians, we have to put the needs of others above our own. Since we are children of God, we already know He will take care of us, so that frees us to do what we can to help others. So when you see that monkey sneaking up on someone else, grab a stick and help the other person chase that monkey away.

As long as we Christian singles put God at the forefront of our thoughts and actions, God has some great things in store for us. If we keep up our end of the bargain and get out of God’s way so He can keep up His end, we will see our singleness transformed into blessedness. No matter our race or our economic situation or geographic location or our career affiliation, God stands ready to bless us beyond (way beyond) our expectations. So don’t worry about a stray monkey that somehow tries to hijack your joy. Just remember that one monkey still don’t stop no show!

I’m Right Here!

2008-08-08T02:21:00.000-05:00

We all have seen episodes in the movies or on tv where people are talking about someone and that someone jumps in the conversation with “Excuse me, I’m right here”. It is as if they are suggesting that people should not be talking ABOUT them, but TO them.

As Christian singles, how often do we adopt an ABOUT them perspective instead of a TO them when it comes to how we relate to others? Just for the sake of clarity, let me briefly describe both views:

ABOUT Them View - This occurs when the connection between two people is on the surface only. The other person is just a character in your play, but their role is really inconsequential to you. You can talk ABOUT them because in your opinion, only your view is important. There is little or no consideration about this other person’s hopes, dreams, fears, needs or desires.

TO Them View - This occurs when there is a deeper connection between two people. Not only is the other person a significant player in your play, but their role is important. You can talk TO them because your opinion is that you cannot be all you can be unless you help them to be all they can be. In this spirit, you are as concerned about their hopes, dreams, fears, needs and desires as you are about your own.

It is easy for us to fall into the ABOUT them view over the To them view. We know in our minds that we should be more considerate of others, but that head knowledge is not always evident in our hearts. There are many examples of how or when this occurs, but suppose someone “steals” your parking spot in the Wal-Mart parking lot. If you are not careful, you may slip into an ABOUT them mode instead of the TO them mode. Other examples where this can occur are: your boyfriend cheats on you or you don’t understand why someone did not take that new job that was offered or your mom does not approve of your friends or your girlfriend did not call you last night like she promised. There are innumerable other examples, but hopefully you get the point that the ABOUT mode can occur at any time of the day in our lives.

Some of you might be saying that the problem with some of these examples is that the “other” person is not someone close to you or they are strangers. But if we remember that we all are children of God, we should express Godly love to everyone regardless of how well we know them. This kind of love is typical of a TO them view.

It is my hope that single Christians in particular will grow in their capacity to see that the other person they are encountering is a bundle of vulnerabilities, expectations, faults and virtues just like you. We all should remember that most of us are more alike than we are different and even when we don’t like or understand a person’s actions or decisions, there is often a very thin line that separates us from doing the same things or making the same types of choices. The bottom line is this: in order for us to have better relationships of all kinds (romantic, platonic, family and associates as well as with “strangers”), we have to keep reminding ourselves that those people we are talking ABOUT are “in the room” with us!

More To It?

2008-08-05T20:07:00.001-05:00

If you live long enough, you either have encountered or will experience moments when you will wonder if your current state of singleness is all there is to being single. As good or bad as your journey of singleness has been, it is normal to question if this is as good (or bad) as it gets.

No matter how pious we claim to be, we often fall victim to not being able to see our future as clearly as God sees it. Granted, He has the advantage of experience that infinity will bring and true, He also has the advantage of experience that comes from having seen it all before. But for us, our sight is limited to our own fears and egos. It is because of our fears and egos that we sometimes forget to borrow God’s eyeglasses so we can see beyond our human vulnerabilities.

Is there more to our singleness or is this it? Part of the answer lies in the quality of our relationship to God. In fact, that is where the whole answer lies. The extent to which we genuinely seek to discern God’s will and purpose is the extent to which we will see the “more” of our singleness. That is the spirit behind the hymn with the words, “We will understand it better by and by.”

So as you deal with moments of loneliness or self-doubt or you are trying to recover from a broken heart or guilt for some bad decisions from your past or you dread those family reunions because you will smacked upside the head with “why are you still single” questions; don’t get too stressed. No those things aren’t going to go away quietly and you will have to serve your time in the valley of uncertainty, but just keep the faith that the story does not end there.

I am not here to delude you with false promises of a happily ever after, although that is what I pray for on your behalf. But, I am here to declare that however good (or bad) your singleness is at this moment, there is more to it. In the final analysis, it does not matter what I “declare” about your singleness. It is more important to understand where you are in your relationship with God. For it is in that relationship that you will find clarity and discover a sense of peace about whether or not this is all there is to your singleness.

Da-Yum!

2008-08-03T18:00:00.000-05:00

During a recent trip to Wal-Mart, I noticed a man coming out of that store as I was going. Also entering the store at that time was a young shapely woman. Actually, she appeared to be a well-endowed teenager. Upon seeing this woman, the man, who appeared to be in his fifties, exclaimed, “Da-Yum, you sure are fine!” He may have said some other things, but I was too far into the store to hear any of his other comments.

Why do I mention this? To me, his verbal reaction is wrong on so many levels. Permit me to list a few:

His comment ignores her humanity. Maybe this young lady was having a bad day. Maybe her boyfriend just left her. Maybe she just found out she is pregnant when that is the last thing she wanted to be. It doesn’t matter what factors may be contributing to her bad day, but his comment did nothing to address the kind of day she was having at that time.

His comment disregards her divinely ordained purpose. Whenever we focus solely on a person’s physical attributes, we fail to take into account how we can help that person achieve their spiritual calling.

His comment reduces her to her sexual being. Let’s be honest here. He wasn’t commenting on her intellectual brilliance or her emotional stability. These were non-issues as far as he was concerned. No, his comments were about specific parts of her body that have to do with one’s sexual attractiveness

You may say that I am over-reacting and that on one level he was paying her a compliment. In my response, let me offer an alternative way of dealing with this situation. If he was so moved by her physical presence, he could have started off with something like this: “Excuse me, how are you today?” At that point, the woman will either ignore him and keep walking or she may respond to the question. Whichever action she takes, he then has a quick glance of the kind of day she may be having and also her level of friendliness. If she moves on, then he can keep his comment to himself and no one is worse off. If she stops or pauses, he can have an INTELLIGENT conversation with her. See my post “A Different Conversation” (http://mooskm.blogspot.com/2007/08/different-conversation.html). During this conversation, he can mention that she is an attractive person and he may want to add that he hopes she is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. Having said that; he can move on and go home. He like the rest of us must accept the reality that not every attractive person we encounter is destined to be our sexual partner, our romantic love interest or our one night stand. So, most of our conversations and comments should reflect that reality.

I am a fan of observing the attractive features of people of the opposite sex. I do not see anything wrong with making mental notes of those traits that make someone attractive. But I don’t have to comment on those things to the person and if I cannot help myself, I need to keep the three above bullet statements in mind. It just seems to me that when God made all the beautiful people in the world; he surely must have expected a more respectful reaction than just “Da-Yum!”

In My Heart

2008-07-22T12:05:00.002-05:00

Unfortunately, many people cannot truly discern what is in our hearts. We may think of ourselves as being caring and genuine in our concern for others, but others may see us as quite the opposite.

Yes we know that God knows what is in our hearts, but let’s be honest, is that enough? For most of us, we not only want God to know the depths of our sincere affection, we also want those we interact with to recognize the love we possess. When we are able to step outside of our false notions of piety, we admit that it does matter what others think of us, particularly when what they think of us does not match our self-impressions.

I have no answers to the questions of how to make someone see more clearly the contents of your heart. All I can do is encourage you to share those contents more, not less when you are confronted with those who doubt your sincere intentions. Even though it can get tiring to have to swim against the tide of false perceptions, trust God to give you the strength to keep doing what you do. When every muscle in your spiritual body is straining against the weight of unfair judgments, love people more.

Lord, I want to love you. In my heart. In my heart. But I also want people to know that I love you and I love them in my heart. Help me to “prove” my love by the simple act of sharing it even when it is misconstrued as something else. Help me to stay the course you have set for me to love you with all my being and love others as I should love myself.

Ain’t Nothing Wrong

2008-07-21T11:29:00.001-05:00

I must admit that sometimes I am perplexed by the wordings that people use. Let me explain what I mean by an actual discussion I had with a fellow member of the same church I attend.

In reference to me not having a girlfriend, she asked “What is wrong with Shenequa? (Not her actual name).

My response was, “There is nothing wrong with Shenequa, I just don’t want her.”

Here is what is perplexing about her question to me. It presupposes that attraction is based on perfection. Thus, if I am not attracted to someone, it must mean that something is wrong with her. Her question also assumes that I feel like I am qualified to declare a person’s “wrongness”.

As I understand attraction, it is not based on perfection. In fact, attraction may be caused by the traits that others may view as unattractive. So Shenequa may be fine and cute and smart and witty, but I still may not want her. If there is something wrong, it is with me, not her. Just because I don’t want her, doesn’t mean that something is wrong with her. Perhaps the better question to ask is “What is wrong with you, Kevin” instead of “What is wrong with her?”

In our lives, we will make decisions about who is and who is not attractive. These are purely subjective and personal decisions. You may not like the criteria I use and I may not care for the criteria you employ. But we both have the God-given right to use the traits we choose. It is my hope that you and I both will learn to value those same traits that God wants us to base our attraction decisions on.

I further hope that we will stop thinking in terms of what is wrong with the Shenequas of the world. There have been many people who have decided they are not attracted to me and also that (in their opinion), I would not make a good mate for them. Does that mean something is wrong with me? (Well, there probably are a lot of things wrong with me, but they may not have anything to do with why people do not find me attractive. (smile)). Should I be mad at them for not wanting me? The answer is no to both questions.

So, if you like I, have been in the same position as Shenequa in this post, then don’t take it personally. Some will find us attractive and others won’t just as you and I will dig some but not others. That is part of living. Take solace in the fact that when it comes to whether or not God finds us attractive, “Ain’t Nothing Wrong”.

When We Hurt

2008-07-15T22:17:00.002-05:00

As bad as we may think we are, all of us will experience hurt at various points in our lives. I think we all need to reject the notion that feeling hurt is an indication of weakness or is a negative reflection on our character. Nothing could be further from the truth. What is a sign of weakness is when we consistently try to deny the hurts in our lives and we go bopping along trying to fool others into thinking that we immune to such feelings.

In addition to denying the existence of hurt in our lives, we also need to be careful as to how we address them. Sometimes we become so focused on the alleviation of the pain in our lives that we allow non-spiritual so-called solutions to invade our singleness journey.

Let’s look at an example and hopefully you can apply that to other instances of how we seek non-spiritual solutions to those times we find ourselves hurting. You as a female have a male platonic friend that you know is going through a tough time in his life. With genuine spiritual concern, you offer to help him through this troubled time by offering spiritual encouragement. When you give him a “holy ghost” hug, the movements of his hands on your body and his other bodily movements suggest to you he wants to show you his gratitude in a carnal way. Because you do find him physically attractive, you give brief consideration to “accepting” his gesture of appreciation. But then, you quickly come to your spiritual senses and you remove yourself from this situation.

You went in with the best of intentions and you felt like progress was made in helping your friend deal with his hurt. Then seemingly out of left field comes his sexual advance. For your friend, he may be seeking to alleviate his hurt by having sex with you. At that point, he may be where many of us find ourselves at various times. Sometimes we feel like what we need is a passionate kiss or a “romp in the hay”. We know that is not spiritual, but sometimes we feel the spiritual way is not what we need or want at that moment.

The point of this post is that whether or not we are the one who is hurting, we must be mindful of seeking spiritual solutions, not something else. I know that sometimes we get tired of all that spiritual talk and that sometimes we desire something more physical. I know that the spiritual way can at times appear elusive and not relevant to our circumstances. I feel you when you feel like shouting, “Enough with all of that spiritual stuff. Just take my pain away!!” But what we often find out after the fact is that the spiritual way is the ONLY way out of the hurt we are feeling. God is not a distant philosophical concept that has no relevance to the problems we face. Instead, He has lasting and pertinent solutions. He promises to set us free and to free us indeed. Let’s hold on to that promise and not be distracted by other stuff when we feel hurt.

Do What You Do

2008-07-15T00:08:00.003-05:00

I must admit that I am perplexed by the phrases, “stand still” and “let God be God”. On a conceptual level, I understand the notion of not doing anything (stand still) and acknowledging God’s omnipotence (let God be God) and my limitations. But on a practical level, I don’t know how to “do” those things. In other writings, I have labeled these as “head faith” and “heart faith”.

Head faith is the faith we have been taught about. From an intellectual standpoint, we know about faith and we know we should have faith. Most of us have head faith.

Heart faith is the faith that comes from personal experience. Because you recognize how God has done what He does, we know that we know about faith. Heart faith is the real faith that truly can move mountains. It is also unshakable because it is tied to actual experiences. It not something we have been told, but what we have lived through.

In those times that I am faced with problems that I have no solutions and I have more questions than answers, “standing still” and “letting God be God” tend to be more of a challenge for me. I know (in my head) I should do these things, but knowing them (in my heart) is a different matter.

Here is how I deal with this conflict between head and heart faith.

I stop trying to figure things out. I accept the fact that if I am going to make it through this situation, it can only be God.
I accept the spiritual premise that whatever happens is part of God’s plan. If my house goes into foreclosure or my romantic partner leaves me or I lose my job or I fail that final exam, there is something in those experiences that is putting me closer to God’s will for me. Given this view, the “bad” thing that may happen is not the end, but the beginning of something.
I expect to get up from whatever may knock me down. I may have to live out of my car or struggle with loneliness or collect unemployment or retake that class, but I will not let those things keep me down.
While I am prepared for the worst that can happen, I keep my eyes open for the miracle. Just maybe that foreclosure won’t happen or maybe my romantic partner decides to stay or they allow me to keep that job or my teacher incorrectly graded my exam. Until the bad thing happens, I am expecting the miracle to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.
I do what I do. By that I mean whatever God has called me to do, I will continue to do. For me, that is writing. For you, it may be singing or being a good mom or serving as an usher or starting that business or being a faithful boyfriend or girlfriend. Whatever it is (and “it” is usually more than one thing) that defines you, keep doing those things. Yes your mind may be preoccupied with losing that house or having your heart broken or eating ramen noodles or taking that class for the umpteenth time, but you still can do those things that you do. To use a sports analogy, you still continue to do the fundamentals even though you are way behind on the scoreboard.

Some singles try to act like being single is no big deal. But all of us will face challenges that we will not know how to overcome. It is times like those that we will have no choice but to “stand still” and “let God be God”. Bad things do happen to “good” people (good in this case meaning people who try to live according to God’s will) but we still cannot let that be an excuse that keeps us from doing what we do.

No, The Other Way!

2008-07-12T23:16:00.002-05:00

Here we are just bopping along in our singleness and things seem to be going well. Can’t you hear the birds chirping, feel the gentle breeze blowing and the sweet smell of summer is in the air? What a great day to be single!

But then, BAM! CRASH! THUMP!

That job that was going so well. For awhile there, we were excited about getting up and going to work. We actually liked our jobs!! Not too many people can say that. But somewhere along the way, the job took a turn for the worse and all we can say is, “No, turn the other way!”

You finally found someone you can be excited about. He or she makes you laugh. They pay attention to what you have to say and they soothe you when you are down. Because of that special person, you have finally begun to exhale. But now what was being madly in love is now just plain old mad. You hate the way things have turned out and all you want cry out is “No, return back to the good times and turn the other way!”

You have been studying hard in this class and you finally seem to be making some headway. What at first looked liked Greek is now starting to make some sense. Okay, you might not get an A in the class, but at least you will pass. But then, you get the result from the last exam and oops, there goes your g.p.a. You are embarrassed, hurt and angry and you sigh, “Please Lord, turn this the other way!”

That person over there used to be your homie, your ace and your confidante. You shared so many secrets and you were each other’s backs when life started tripping. You were like two peas in a pod. But now, your friend is no more and in that person’s place stands someone you now view as your enemy. Although you are angry and you feel betrayed, you can’t help but wonder if it is possible to revive the friendship and get things to turn the other way.

If it is not the job, your romantic partner, your school work or your friend, chances are there will be times in your singleness when you will feel like the worst of life has bum rushed you. Just like the commercial, you will understand what it means when life comes at you fast. In times like these, we may not be bopping as well in our singleness, the birds may be singing a sad tune, the wind may be swirling around you like a hurricane and now life may just stink!

May the God we serve help to open our eyes to what is great about our singleness even when all we feel we can do is cry out “No, Turn The Other Way!”

Great or What?

2008-07-12T00:43:00.002-05:00

As I mentioned in the preface to my new book, singleness is different things to different people. But that should not come as a surprise to anyone. The things that stand out about your singleness will be different from what stands out to others and that is okay. But what we all have in common is the capacity to see things from a spiritual perspective.

So, the point of this short post is simple. Will we allow God to show us what is great about our singleness or will we subscribe to another view?

Let Me Count The Ways....

2008-07-04T23:20:00.002-05:00

A friend and I have a friendly bet going. If you are reading this, please leave a comment. It can be done anonymously if you prefer.

The Last Person

2008-06-30T22:36:00.001-05:00

As someone told me recently, “Being single is hard enough on its own without having to be subjected to a list of do’s and don’ts.” I am not here to argue against that point, but I do think we need to make sure we have the right perspective as we dialog on this subject.

Part of what makes singleness challenging is the reality that other people do not do what we want them to do when we want them to do it. To me, that betrays a selfish perspective. With a “me-me-me” focus, it is not difficult to encounter people who have a different view of things than ours.

Imagine how simpler and less stressful life would be if we learned to do as Jesus suggested and put the needs of others before our own? There would be less animosity and fighting if we loved our enemies instead of hating them. There would be less jealousy if we celebrated others' victories instead of coveting them. There would be less broken hearts if we truly loved our romantic partners instead of manipulated them. There would be less “bad stuff” if we dedicated ourselves to helping others instead of only focusing on our selfish agendas.

In short, we should be the last person we think about when we think about notions such as satisfaction and contentment. The ultimate and most genuine indicator of our trust in God is to put more emphasis on uplifting others than the attention we pay on getting our own needs fulfilled. Our steadfast faith tells us that God takes care of those who take care of others.

As a Christian single, do you really want to be happy and satisfied? Then make yourself the last person you show concern for. Trust me, this helping others stuff really works!

Bless Me, Bless Me

2008-06-27T00:12:00.002-05:00

Bless me, bless me, oh Lord, bless me indeed!

All over the land there are single Christians making that request of the Lord. I can’t blame them because they understand that you haven’t been blessed until you have been blessed by God. At times, they paraphrase the words of Jacob: “Lord, I ain’t going nowhere until you bless me.”

What does it mean to be blessed as a single Christian? There is a part of us that says being blessed should mean finding our true love. Then there is another part of us that says being blessed is learning to maximize one’s singleness. I humbly suggest that the “real” answer is somewhere in between.

God is not a heartless manipulator that plants the desire for love and affection in each of us only to laugh scornfully when love is the furthest thing from our minds and hidden from our little corners of the world. So, accepting the benevolent vision of God, if He is the one responsible for giving us the desire, we should also expect that He is the one to position us to realize the fulfillment of those desires.

But God also knows that we are more than just a human with an asterisk next to our names because we may not have a romantic partner at this time. He knows that we can live healthy and productive lives as single Christians. He not only knows that, He expects us to leave a positive mark on the world. The old tired excuse of “Hey, I was lonely” is not going to be acceptable.

So do Lord, do Lord, please remember us. We need your blessings. Because of how you have made us, we want it all. We want the romance AND we want to be content. You planted both of those desires in us, so we trust you enough to expect nothing less than the complete fulfillment of your will in our lives.

Thank God that He is not only capable but also willing to bless me, bless me.

The Furthest Thing From My Mind?

2008-06-26T01:09:00.002-05:00

During a recent conversation, a friend shared that she met a man that she has become romantically involved with. What great news! The conversation was flowing along until she threw in a monkey wrench.

“What about you, Kevin? Have you found someone special?”

I don’t know why, but I didn’t expect that question. It seems like it is much easier for me to rejoice in other people’s romantic successes than to turn the spotlight on my lack of romance. At this point in my life, it just seems like finding a girlfriend is the furthest thing from my mind.

But is that really the case with me? I once suggested to someone else that part of the reason why she stayed involved with so many activities was to mask the fact that her social life was empty. Maybe someone should be saying the same thing to me.

I am quite busy, but I have always prided myself in making room for that special person, should she come into my life. But I am beginning to think I am fooling myself. Contrary to what Hollywood tells us, romance just does not happen. It takes some effort and attention. I don’t have to obsess with finding a girlfriend, but I admit that I must do more than I have been doing.

I know that I intensely want romance in my life. But what evidence of that desire manifests itself? I cannot recall the last time I asked for someone’s number or asked someone out on a date. And if there were any women who were trying to subtly send romantic signals my way, I was either too blind or too dumb to properly interpret them.

So, in the final analysis, I must be an incurable romantic. Because, with my lack of effort, the only way romance is going to find itself into my life is through unanticipated events just like in the script of a cheesy Hollywood movie.

As your friend, please don’t make the same mistakes I have made. If romance is your goal, act like it and get out there and do something. Ask for that number or say yes to that date. Keep your eyes peeled for any subtle signals being sent your way. Don’t be like me and go about things like romance is the furthest thing from your mind.

Oh by the way, this discussion is spiritual. I believe the desire for romance is God-given and when we try to deny that desire, we go against something that God has ordained. Yes, I know you have been hurt before. Yes, I know you are tired of all the games that are being played. Yes, I know that you think you can do bad all by yourself. I know these things because I have also been hurt and played. But our pasts do not erase the purpose that God has for us. If nothing else, our hurts from yesterday should make us wiser and more sensitive to the blessing of romance God is trying to send our way. Let’s not miss that blessing because our negative past experiences has tricked us into thinking that romance is the furthest thing from our minds.

Hard To Believe

2008-06-24T22:09:00.001-05:00

Many years ago, there was an anti-littering commercial that featured a Native American Indian with a tear running down his face standing in the midst of garbage that was thrown on the side of the road. I wonder if God feels the same emotions as the Native American depicted in the commercial when He looks at us.

He created us with the capacity to love and be loved, yet so many of us are doing without love. He declared that it is not good for us to be alone, but too many of us settle for doing bad all by ourselves. Instead of embracing each other as He desires for us; we would rather find reasons to go our separate ways.

We do not have to look far to see the emotional devastation that has seemingly overrun our Garden of Eden. People who long to be loved are spending too many nights crying themselves to sleep alone. Parents are spending unbelievably amounts of time separated from their children. Children are longing to have a missing parent take them to the softball game or to the ice cream parlor. Husbands and wives are choosing to break up that which God supposedly put together. All of these things result in a river of tears flowing from the eyes of God!!

I find it hard to believe that the way things are now is the way God intended for them to be. So, who got it wrong, us or God?

My prayer for all Christian singles is they will run toward love instead of away from it. I pray they will stop clinging to their fears as a way of trying to steer clear of being hurt. I hope they will take calculated risks to find Godly love in the form of romantic and platonic relationships. I ask God to help us all get off our high horses and re-learn the art of truly loving one another.

Why do I pray for these things? Because I find it hard to believe that God would have it any other way.

If It Ain’t Fixed, Don’t Break It

2008-06-24T00:01:00.002-05:00

On one of the episodes of a popular tv show, a man became angry at his girlfriend because she overstepped her bounds (in his opinion) even though she was trying to be helpful. When he reacted negatively to her efforts, she was surprised and disappointed. Later when she discussed it with her girlfriends, they explained that she was not giving her man the space he needed.

In our singleness journeys, we all have good intentions. But sometimes, what we meant for good is really harmful. In our zeal to help and heal, we often go with our instincts about what needs to be done and we rush forward with our plan. Then we are shocked and angry when the person we are trying to help rejects our seemingly noble efforts.

Sad to say, but sometimes it is not enough to INTEND to do good when our actions create more problems than it solves. In cases like this, we are breaking something that wasn’t fixed.

One of the hardest things to get people to understand, single Christians included, is the tendency we all have to do what we think is right instead of what God knows is right. We often assume that our thoughts are in line with God’s intentions and thus, we rush forward with our blueprint for how to solve the problems that people are struggling with.

The challenge is for us to step outside of our self-interests, egos and narrow perspectives and wait on a word from the Lord. Yes, God can move more slowly than we would prefer, but He has a great sense of timing. So when someone comes to you with a broken heart or with dreams that have been dashed or feeling depressed because they lost their job or upset because a friend turned out to be a “hater”; stop and take a breath. Don’t do what you want to do. Listen for what God wants you to do. If we are honest with ourselves, we will be surprised to find out that our wants and God’s wants are two different things.

The last thing people in our lives that we care for need is for us to break something that is not fixed.

Housekeeping Item

2008-06-23T00:57:00.002-05:00

From time to time, I will write something in my posts that you may feel strongly about, but you prefer to express your thoughts to me and not to the reading public. In that case, please email me at: goosykm@yahoo.com. In that email, you can really let me have it!

On the other hand, if you leave a comment on this blog; I may publish it for the sake of generating conversation among everyone.

I welcome your comments whether you agree or not with my writings. I believe that we all grow when there is open dialog about the themes covered in this blog.

Thanks to everyone who reads this blog and particularly to those who take the time to leave comments.

The Greater Risk

2008-06-23T00:47:00.002-05:00

In reference to the publication of my new book, Songs of Singleness; one person said I was courageous. When I enquired what she meant by “courageous”; she replied that people might read my book and disagree with my thoughts or not like what I have to say.

For me, people disagreeing or not liking what I write is no big deal. When I write, whether it is in my books or in my blog, I don’t do so because I want people to agree with me. Instead, I write to help us all learn more and more about our spiritual journey. Besides, what I write is not purely my opinion. I have prayed over it and in many cases, I have researched it. I truly believe that what I am writing is inspired by God. From that perspective, if someone disagrees with the concepts behind my writings; they are disagreeing with the prime mover behind those words.

So as I see it, the greater risk is that people will not even take the time to read my book. For those who have the opportunity to read Songs of Singleness, but decide not to accept that opportunity; they risk missing out on divinely inspired words about their lives. Because of my concern for the potential readers of my book; I would rather have you disagree with parts of my writings then have you miss out on some things I sincerely believe God has given me to say.

We all have heard people refer to their efforts as “I am not just doing this to hear myself talk.” Well for me, I don’t write just to see my words on paper. The reason why I write is to help position people to receive all of the blessings that God has for them.

In our journey of singleness, let’s not get caught up in who didn’t cross their t’s or dot their i’s. I may say “po-tah-toe” while you say “po-tay-toe”. I may struggle with a certain temptation while you may struggle with something entirely different. The risk is not that we may judge each other’s “eye-specks”. Nope, the greater risk is we may stand in our own way and in the way of others which keeps all of us from being fully blessed like God wants us to be.

Like I said before, I’d rather you not see eye to eye with me, than you and/or I not be willing to hear what God is trying to say. Not taking proper advantage of the chance to grow from the lessons that God is sharing with us? Now that to me is the greater risk!

When The Lakers Lose

2008-06-21T10:27:00.004-05:00

I am a big Los Angeles Lakers fan and have been since the days of Wilt “the stilt” Chamberlain, Gail Goodrich and Jerry West. I was elated to see they made it to the NBA championship, but not so excited by the end result. Yes, my Lakers lost!!

But I learned a little something about me in the process of suffering through the Lakers’ failure in the championship series. In the midst of my disappointment about how the Lakers’ season ended; I still had to get up in the mornings. Bills still had to be paid. My car still is in need of major repair. My website still needs to be developed. My marketing plan for my new book still needs to be implemented. The church newsletter I edit still needs to be distributed. I still need to express Godly love to people I encounter, including those who may not love me.

The point? Our singleness journey will encounter some disappointments. But, God still expects us to get up in the morning and do what we do. Yes, it is a bummer at times to not have a romantic partner or to not have enough friends or to struggle against feelings of loneliness or to battle sexual frustration. If you are human, then these challenges will occur every now and then. It is not being spiritual to act like these things do not exist and that you NEVER have any problems with them. Instead, our spiritual calling leads us to acknowledge them, deal with them and still get stuff done.

Oh poor me, the Lakers lost! Oh poor singles, today might be one of those bad singleness days! Well, I encourage all Christian singles to go ahead and get up and go about your business. Because of our relationship with God, there is a hope of deliverance from whatever is bugging you. Besides, like my disappointment with the Lakers’ demise, we hold on to the hope that there is always next year. And the good news is, because we serve a God that is eternal; there is blessed tomorrow awaiting us.

Walking Wounded

2008-06-20T22:48:00.002-05:00

The other day I was talking with a lady that I had known for almost a year. She and I worked on an annual conference that is held at my church. The interesting thing about that conversation is that I found out she is married. She often spoke of her children, but never did she mention her husband until the other day. Unfortunately, her husband NEVER attends church with her or anywhere. She is one of the many women who faithfully attend church while their husbands faithfully stay away from the church.

Her life story is full of disappointments, frustrations, defeats and periodic bouts of loneliness and hopelessness. (She sounds single, doesn’t she? – smile) But sad to say, her story (which is not all bad) is not out of the ordinary. Many of us have stories we could tell about how we made it through that rough time in our lives or how we are currently facing a situation that we don’t know how we are going to overcome. But, most of us remain hopeful that God will once again come to the rescue.

This post is in tribute to the many walking wounded among us. Without knowing your stories; I commend you for still getting up every morning, doing well on your jobs, maintaining a decent grade average at school or continuing your faithfulness at the various church or civic groups you are a part of. There were days you wanted to pull the covers over your head and sit out that particular day. And if that person who specializes in working your last nerve had crossed your path on that day, well let’s just thank God that you are not what you used to be!

My prayer for all of the walking wounded out there is that you will master the art of taking life one step at a time. (You may not want to admit it, but all of us have been or will be walking wounded at some point in our lives.) If you can make just one more step, then maybe you will have the strength to make two. And before you know it, you will look back and wonder how you got over. But that really won’t be a secret, will it? You made it because of He who was wounded for our transgressions. By a living example, Jesus is showing that there is hope for the walking wounded. My prayer is that the efforts put forth by our Lord and Savior will not be wasted because we succumbed to our fears and egos.

If You Think I’m Sexy

2008-06-18T16:36:00.002-05:00

I know many of you may not be familiar with the song by Rod Stewart where he says, “If you think I’m sexy……Come on sugar tell me so.” That song came out in the 70’s.

Anyway, sometimes in a false sense of piety, Christian singles try to deny what is obvious to themselves. If you won’t admit to it, then I will. Frequently, I will observe a woman I think is quite sexy. It could be her physicality or it might be due to some intangible quality. Does my recognition of a woman’s sexiness make me less of a Christian? Well, I hope not!!

As I mentioned in my previous post entitled, “Look at, Not For”, the problems with seeing the beauty that God has made in the form of other people have more to do with how we process that information. Upon seeing a sexy woman, do I indulge myself with sexual fantasies? Anytime we reduce someone to the role of just being a sexual tool for our pleasure; we deny them their humanity which is the very opposite of what single Christians should be doing.

The other day, a woman paid me a compliment about my looks and it was something I needed to hear at that time. How often do we miss out on opportunities to uplift people with compliments because we think it may be inappropriate? Just as we should be discreet in the compliments we give, we also need to be mindful of how we react to being complimented. For example, when the aforementioned woman complimented me, I didn’t try to turn that into a game of sexual hide and seek. I thanked her and smiled and we moved on to other things to talk about.

So, if you think someone is sexy or attractive or has very alluring features; I see nothing wrong with letting that person know. If necessary, you can “warn” them that your compliment is not a line or an opening move to get in their pants or steal their hearts. You are just acknowledging another one of God’s beautiful creations. Additionally, if you are the one being complimented, don’t immediately try to turn it into a romantic or sexual relationship. If that is meant to be, it will come in time.

I am convinced that God wants us to enjoy our singleness for as long as we are single. If being a Christian single mean denying that there are sexy and attractive people out there, then that would take away from some of the enjoyment of being single!! Just because I think someone is sexy doesn’t mean that I want to sleep with them or make them my girlfriend. Healthy relationships should be based on more than just that.

Now as the summer season approaches, let’s get out there and have some good Christian fun and see how many sexy people we can take notice of in our respective journeys of singleness.

I Can Do Bad All By Myself

2008-06-17T19:12:00.002-05:00

“I can do bad all by myself” is a phrase that I believe is misguided. I understand the sentiment behind it which is the notion that it makes no sense to bring people into our lives that are going to mess things up. However, I believe this phrase also suggests a gross misunderstanding of human nature.

I believe God made us not with the capacity to know and do everything. Each day, we rely on others to help us accomplish our tasks and reach our goals. It is like God built into each one of us the need and the desire to work with and get along with other people. Otherwise without this “built-in” social urge; we would push everybody away and say, “Get out of my way. I will do it myself.”

But doing things by ourselves is not very Christian. Contrary to the high praise for individualism and independence; Christians place a higher value on service and love. We are not called to serve and love ourselves, but rather to love and serve others.

So when we say, “I can do bad all by myself” we are not speaking the whole truth. Yes, that “good for nothing” person can make your life a living hell. But the reality to consider is the decision process that caused you to allow that “bad” person into your life would still be there with or without the presence of the anti-hero/heroine. That same inner quality can cause much more damage in your life than any person with bad intentions can. In fact, it is the presence of other people (good or bad) that helps to lessen the impact of the faulty internal processes we all possess.

So the real truth is “I can (and most likely will) do WORSE all by myself." I can hear you saying, “Hey, you don’t understand how that man left me with 3 kids and no visible means of supporting myself” or “That gold digging woman took me for everything I owned and now I am looking at bankruptcy”. These and other terrible situations seem to suggest that without these scoundrels, life would have been much better than it has turned out to be. But we must also take into account that the same tendencies we have that allowed those people into our lives were there before the “bad” people came. Upon review of your life, you probably would have opened your heart or your house or your life to them sooner had not other people been in your life. Also, when all hell broke loose, it was other people who helped to soften the blow.

The point of this whole discussion is for us to embrace that part of us that drives us to get involved with others. Interacting with others is something that single Christians should do. It is taking the non-spiritual and easy way out to hide behind the myth that “I can do bad all by myself.” God is not calling us to “DO” bad; He expects us to “DO” good and the good we do is most effective when it includes others. Or put another way, we are more likely to do WORSE (and not just bad) if we are by ourselves.

How Ironic?

2008-06-11T12:49:00.003-05:00

Sometimes God can use the smallest things to teach us and to enable us to help others.

About a month ago, the "check engine soon" light came on in my beat up old car. After shelling out some big bucks, I was told that I needed to have the engine replaced. But until I can come up with THAT kind of money, I could drive it. So since then, I have been feeling like I have been driving that car on borrowed time.

About two weeks ago, I was downtown paying a bill when a lady and her teenage son asked if I had jumper cables. To make a long story less long, I was able to help jump start her car.

Yesterday, one of my neighbors left her car lights on all night and she needed a jump and I was also able to get her car going.

To me, it just seemed ironic that my car which appears to be on its last legs was able to be the source of helping others with their car troubles.

But, isn't that one of the ways that God works? In our singleness, we will identify things (sometimes incorrectly) that we feel are not working. But God will provide opportunities for us to still be able to help others with that very thing which we feel is broken.

So whether it is a non-existing love life or seemingly endless nights of "no good loving" or a job whose paycheck is more like an insult or friends who have not been very friendly lately; be on the watch out for God to use you and those "broken" things in your life to help someone.

I really can't explain it, but for whatever reason; God sometimes allows us the opportunity to help others in the most ironic situations. I think part of the reason He does this is to help us not take our challenges too seriously. There are people besides ourselves who have stuff to deal with and we might as well be the ones to come to their rescue; regardless of how ironic the circumstances of our aid might be.

Looking At, Not For

2008-06-09T22:46:00.002-05:00

There is a song that says the summer is "girl watching" time. I must admit that the summer heat, extended daytime hours and summer apparel presents many opportunities for people to admire the various aspects of beauty that God has blessed humankind with.

Undoubtedly, I am not the only "girl watcher" out there and there are also many of you who are "boy watchers". As single Christians, I think it is important to acknowledge that we appreciate the physical characteristics that match our individualized standards of attractiveness. For me, a woman's eyes, the shape of her nose and the length of her neck are a few of the things that get my attention. For you, it might by the broadness of his shoulders, his eyes or his soft looking lips that makes you take a second look.

That is okay. Let's continue to admire God's handiwork. However, let's not forget that the objects of our admiration are more than a well put together mass of bones, muscles and flesh with all the right parts in the right places and in the right proportion. Also, no one is ONLY here for the fulfillment of our selfish desires. Each person is a creation of God. Some just look real good!

If she looks good to me, let me also consider the opportunity that she may be a good spiritual and mental match for me. If I can just leave things at "She looks good" without reducing her to a starring role in my lustful fantasy, then I am just looking at her and not for her.

If he looks good to you, don't forget to factor in whether or not he will be a healthy and life-affirming complement for you. If you can admire his "fine self" without dreaming of having his babies or becoming his wife or his lover, then you have mastered the fine art of looking at him and not for him.

As tempting as it may be during this "girl and boy watching season", let's keep things in the proper perspective by learning to look AT and not look FOR the beautiful people we encounter. There is nothing wrong with recognizing the beauty that God has planted in His creations. We just have to make sure we don't lose our minds or spiritual integrity. We have to stay focussed on not letting our imaginations get out of hand.

Having said that; let's enjoy this summer of the watching season!!

Stop By Place

2008-06-08T23:04:00.004-05:00

I am single and I am on top of the world!

If that is not how you feel today, then perhaps what you need is a STOP BY PLACE.

Put simply, a STOP BY PLACE is the location where our faith in God intersects with His love for us. The problem is not with God's love, but it is our faith. You see, what happens is because God is not as visible to us as Mr. or Miss Look So Good or our bank accounts or girlish or boyish figures or high powered social connections; we put more faith in these things than on God.

This simple post is just an encouragement for all Christian singles to pump up our faith muscles so that our STOP BY PLACE is as high and effective as possible. Because when our faith in God is high (and the love that God has for us is already high); we will have more days when we can truly say,

I am single and I am on top of the world!

Competing Desires

2008-06-07T11:26:00.002-05:00

I believe it is in Psalms where the writer says, “One thing that I desire of the Lord and that I will seek after….” As Christian singles, we too share in that sentiment. We want to “dwell in the house of the Lord forever and ever”. What a wonderful thought! If we remained focused on that desire; our singleness would truly be blessed.

I can hear you say, “Hold it a minute there! My singleness is blessed, so whatever you are talking about does not apply to me.”

My response to that is it is natural to have “other” desires also. Yes, we KNOW that the Lord should be first in our lives, but every now and then, we allow other desires to creep into our hearts. If it has been a long time since someone has held us in their arms; we may DESIRE to be held. If life has been dealing you a particularly rough hand; your DESIRE may be for a sense of peace. If your physical and spiritual beauty has not been affirmed lately, you may DESIRE the appreciative glance of someone of the opposite sex. There is nothing wrong with having desires like these and others. It is my strong opinion that God was the ONE who gave us these desires. He made us so that we will go out of our way to relate to others as lovers, friends, family and associates. Otherwise, many of us would just throw up our hands and become islands unto ourselves.

When it comes to our desires, we can have them without them messing up our relationship to God. Let’s keep our desire for God first while we also acknowledge the other desires. Perhaps more important than having “other” desires is using spiritual discretion concerning to whom we express our desires.

As best we can, we should hang out with people of the same spiritual mindset. We may not be able to pick our family, but we can pick our lovers and friends. By picking the right kind of people to spend our time with; we will be better positioned to keep our “other” desires from competing with our desire for God.

When we allow otherwise “good” desires to become competing desires against our desire for God; we are the ones who lose out.

Too Picky?

2008-05-31T11:12:00.003-05:00

Do you have a friend or family member that you view as too picky when it comes to their dating activities? Or maybe others have said that about you?

As a single Christian and as someone who is concerned for this person, what would you tell them?

An Abundant Life?

2008-05-29T23:14:00.005-05:00

At a meeting tonight, I had the opportunity to take a life balance wheel test that measures a person's view of his or her life based on 8 factors: Spiritual life, marriage and family, vision for the future, social life, hobbies, physical condition and emotional/intellectual development. Based on answers I provided to questions under each of the above categories; I actually measured well on spiritual life, emotional/intellectual development, hobbies and vision for the future. However, I scored poorly on marriage and family and social life. Upon reflection, I am not surprised at my high and low scores.

In general, the areas I scored high were areas where the values/activity being examined were more of an intrinsic nature. My spirituality, my vision for my future, my hobbies and my emotional/intellectual development are all areas where I exercise a great measure of control. For example, being a writer is something I do in solitude.

But here is the main focus of this post. For me, I have a very noticeable imbalance when it comes to my social and family life. When Christ talked about an abundant life, I am sure He included not only one's spirituality, emotional development and hobbies. Surely He must have factored in one's relationships with family members, friends and associates. As a Christian single, I must examine why I am experiencing a disproportionate level of success in the "intrinsic" areas of my life and not with the "extrinsic" areas.

In short, why are my relationships not as "good" as my internal traits? Part of being a Christian is being able to be honest with oneself and accept responsibility for the way things are going in my life. With the Holy Spirit's guidance, I should be able to become more like what God has envisioned for me to become. You may ask, "What does God have to do with a person's relationship with family, friends and associates?" I believe He wants us to have fulfilling lives and our social lives are a major contributor to that. Thankfully, He not only wants that, but He provides guidance on how we can achieve a fulfilled life.

So Lord, thank you for allowing me grow closer to you and for the talents and abilities you have allowed me to acquire. I thank you for your keeping power that kept me from falling off the deep end emotionally and intellectually. Now Lord, help me to grow in the realization of a healthy and productive social life.

As I pray this prayer for me, I also pray that you will allow God to strengthen you where you are weak and build you up where you are torn down. Let's all remain open to the great things God is trying to teach us.

That Ain't Love, Is It?

2008-05-27T12:17:00.003-05:00

Is it just me or does it seem to be harder to love people when they don't recognize your love? I don't mean they have to love me in kind, but at least acknowledge it for what it is. Instead, people often taint the pure love we give with the stench of impure motives. They say things like:

He must be showing me love so he can get in my pants.
She must be showing me love so she can get something she wants.
They must be showing me love because they feel guilty about something.

Well, maybe they are showing you love because they LOVE you!! Contrary to what popular culture says, love is not blind. So, Christian singles should not also be blind. As children of God, we should expect love and accept love and not stoop to trying to transform love from others into something other than love.

Having said that, we can be discerning. We don't have to fall for the next line or get sucked up by the manipulative games that people play. But we have to let go of our egos so that we can properly recognize love when it exists and properly handle it.

As givers of pure love, we need to insure that it is indeed pure and not tainted with our selfish and secrets motivations. Are we being nice to that person because that is the right thing to do or are we harboring hidden intentions? And when people question our motives, we have to love them past their suspicions. That is no easy task, but that comes along with our job descriptions as Christians.

In short, let's make up our minds (and our hearts) that we will love others at all costs and we will also recognize love when others are trying to share it with us. We will trust God enough that He will provide people in our lives that can give and receive love and thus, we will not be "overly" surpised when He comes through. Yes that person may be nice to you because he or she loves you. Maybe that is someone God sent to you to be a good friend or maybe even a romantic partner. We must caution ourselves to make sure we make the right call: friend or lover. But if we learn to put our trust in God into action, how can we go wrong?

No Thanks Lord!

2008-05-26T02:22:00.005-05:00

Love is a gift from God. It doesn't matter how that love is expressed. Whether it is to a romantic partner or to a friend or to all of mankind; the "know how" to love is divinely given. It is important to note that God is not some mushy emotional puppeteer that likes to see us pursue love only to laugh at us when our hearts are broken. Rather, God is very realistic in the benefits and possibilities of love. But instead of embracing the gift of love, many single Christians say, "No thanks, Lord".

Most of us are born with the desire to love and be loved, but as we get older, grayer, heavier and whatever other "er" is out there, we allow the divine capacity to love to recede further and further into our attic of unused possessions. Well the good news is that it is spring cleaning time! Now I know that nobody in his or her right mind enthusiastically looks forward to going up in that dusty and dark attic to paw through old stuff. But from a spiritual standpoint; it is a good thing to dig through all of that old stuff and shake the moth balls out and REMEMBER. Surely we remember don't we? (See "Surely We Remember" on May 24).

The easier thing to do is to lock the door to the attic and move on to other rooms in the house. Instead of spring cleaning, we could go into the kitchen and get something to eat or go into the den and zone out in front of the tv or the bedroom and just go to sleep. But not only is the mind a terrible thing to waste; so is the heart! So let's stop making up excuses and get up in that attic and bring down that box of love that we tried to hide away. The kingdom of God does not need anymore spiritual couch potatoes!

God gave us the gift of love to make us better and to help bless others. When we avoid love, we go against the divine order of things. So he takes it as a personal offense when we say, "No thanks, Lord".

Life without the expectation of love is not living life to the fullest. I wonder if given the choice for us, which would God choose? A so-so life with most of the good stuff residing in our attics unused or a fulfilled life with good ole reliable love being given new life. I pray that you will see the blessings and not the curses of love which is a gift that God granted to us so long ago. I pray that your response to this good gift will not be; "No thanks, Lord."

Do Not Give Up On Love

2008-05-25T00:23:00.003-05:00

You are sick and tired of being sick and tired. It seems like every time you open up your heart to someone, they take that as an invitation to stomp on your feelings. Against your own advice, you have given love multiple chances, but so far, all you have received for your trouble is nothing but heartache. you

And then here I come bopping along telling you to not give up on love. Have I lost my ever loving mind? Do I see "sucker" or "fool for love" written on your forehead?

For those of you reading this blog; I want you to experience a sense of joy and fulfillment. Without love, your chance of achieving these two positive emotional states will be difficult to attain. So, here is my "argument" for why you should not give up on love.

Love is the “juice” that God CHOSE to use as the basis of His interaction with us. The key here is the word “chose”. God did not have to love us, but He did anyway.
It is God’s love for us that keeps Him from giving us what we deserve. Let’s face it, we have given God enough opportunities for Him to say, “That’s it. He or she is not going to get this right. Off with their heads!!”
God wants, actually commands us to CHOOSE to love each other. We go against His will when we choose to dominate, manipulate, coerce, abuse or humiliate those with whom we are interacting. (This includes those we feel “deserve” to be unloved, including our enemies.)
The highest expression of love is between a man and a woman partly because they CHOOSE to love each other. This act of CHOOSING to love each other sows the seeds of physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy that should also result in spiritual growth.
We were made to give and receive (romantic) love and most of us feel empty or sad or restless or antsy at times when we go extended periods of time without it.

There are probably additional "arguments" I can make, but I should not have to work that hard to convince Christian singles that love is worth the trouble that often accompanies it. Yes, I know you are tired of being played like a piano in the name of love. I feel you when you say that you have cried your last tear. But to give up on love is to throw away your trust in God that He can and will give you the desires of your heart. Is God able to keep you from falling out of and away from the possibility of love? For true that!! For the blessings that God has in store for you and for those He is calling you to be a blessing, keep your faith in Him and whatever else you do: DON'T GIVE UP ON LOVE.

Surely We Remember

2008-05-24T00:15:00.002-05:00

Every once in a while; we develop a temporary dose of amnesia. We encounter a moment of indecision or we feel another pity party coming on or someone treats us in a way we feel that we don’t deserve and that causes us to temporarily “lose it”. In our minds, we know the spiritual way to respond to these situations, but something about that particular period of time leads us to go against our spiritual instincts.

We have been living a life of sexual morality, but something about this particular time caused us to fall.
We have been doing the whole “loving our enemies” thing, but something about that person led us to “go off”.
We have been paying our tithes consistently, but something about that pair of shoes or that big screen tv made us spend money unwisely.
We have been consistently praying, but something about how our days have been going lately made us conveniently “forget” to pray during our normal prayer time.
We have been basking in the glow of God’s faithfulness and providence, but something about this particular challenge caused us to question if He is able to deliver.

These and other instances of doing something that we should not do are examples of how we can experience spiritual amnesia.

When that sea of forgetfulness approaches, what can Christian singles do? There is a gospel song where the listener is urged to reach beyond the break. What this means is that we need to focus not on the problem but on the solution. But what about those times when we don’t know what the solution is? We can still steer our attention away from the problem and look to God.

But what exactly does “look to God” mean? First, accept your own limitation. That should not be difficult since we know that we can’t do it all or fix everything. Secondly (and perhaps more importantly); looking to God means sincerely acknowledging that He is in control. But that acknowledgment should not stop there. The next step is to acknowledge that God is also involved. That’s the most wonderful thing here. God is not only in control, but He is also in the mix.

So, let’s not be too hard on ourselves. We are human and we are vulnerable to falling down. The key is to not wallow in self-guilt but to admit our responsibility and vow to move forward. Whether it is succumbing to sexual temptation, not paying our tithes, not praying, not loving our enemies, not trusting God or whatever is the temporary moment of spiritual amnesia; we must take solace in the reality that God is constantly empowering us to become more like He has envisioned us to become. If we look back and see with our spiritual eyes, we will recognize that God has been working on our case each step along the way. If we are honest with ourselves, when it comes to God being true to His promises; we will have to admit that SURELY WE REMEMBER.

Do you think men and women can be just friends?

2008-05-22T09:57:00.003-05:00

This post is in response to a question that was asked. Just so everyone will know, when you comment anonymously, I have no way to respond privately to you. All I can do is respond through this blog. As for the person who left this question, I hope I adequately address it.

To set up my response to your question, let me share a few thoughts on the relationship between a husband and wife. If I were married, I would want my relationship with my wife to be "everything". That is, I would want to be her best friend, her confidante, her shoulder to cry on, her defender, her supporter, her biggest cheerleader, her lover, her keeper of secrets and so on. Ideally, our relationship would be so comprehensive that she would not NEED another friend or lover or confidante or so on. That does not mean I don't want her to have other friends, but those relationships would only augment the main relationship I hope she would have with me, her husband.

In your post, you mentioned that the men you are friends with are both in unhappy marriages. That is an important fact that you must be mindful of. I suspect that you enjoy the company of these men even though you are not "dating" them. But you must be careful that you not become the refuge for these men as they seek temporary or permanent escape from their unhappy marriages. It is natural for two people of the opposite sex who enjoy each other's company to wonder what a romantic relationship with that person would be like. So even with the best of your intentions, you may be putting yourself in a tricky situation.

Do I think men and women can be just friends? Yes. But it takes incredible discipline. I have two females that I am very good friends with, but we all must be vigilant against crossing the line. Again, it is natural for men and women who are friends to at least wonder if they should be more than friends.

A better question might be: Can a single (unmarried) person be friends with a married person of the opposite sex? Technically I guess it is possible, but I would suggest avoiding those kinds of friendships. In your case, the one wife is uncomfortable with your friendship with her husband and the other wife you are not sure about. It is natural for a spouse to be wary of friendships his or her marriage partner has with someone of the opposite sex. (It is sad that with all this down low stuff going on, people also have to be wary of same sex friendships.)

I know this may not be fair to you and it may also go beyond what you were asking, but my advice to you is to distance yourself from these friendships with these married men. Not because of anything you are doing wrong, but because of the possibility of things getting out of hand. I know you have no intention of dating these men, but their marriage can become even more unhappy even without you acting inappropriately. In short, the wives will be suspicious and they will question their husbands and that exchange (argument?) alone could cause further damage to the marriage.

Let me know what you think of my response. If you prefer to not have your situation discussed in public through this blog, email me at: goosykm@yahoo.com.

Just Listen

2008-05-20T21:59:00.001-05:00

While watching the black and white move, “Wife Versus Secretary” starring Clark Gable and Jean Harlow, the following thoughts concerning our singleness came to mind.

First of all, here is a brief summary of the plot. A successful businessman (played by Clark Gable) who is married has a beautiful secretary (played by Jean Harlow). Everyone thinks the businessman and the secretary have an affair going on, but their relationship is strictly about business and is quite honorable. Neither the husband nor the secretary will listen to the subtle and not so subtle comments friends, family and associates keep making about their supposed love relationship. They in essence blow people off and keep on as if nothing is going on. And they ignore the impending havoc that is being wreaked on both of their relationships (the husband and his wife and the secretary and her boyfriend.)

As I was watching this movie, I kept asking myself why they won’t listen. But not listening is not so far fetched in our lives, is it? Whether we are referring to our platonic or our romantic relationships; sometimes we get so caught up in what we are doing that we don’t listen to others who are trying to make us aware of something. Sometimes we have to say to ourselves the same thing I was saying to the Clark Gable’s and Jean Harlow’s characters: Just listen!

My prayer is that Christian singles will not see their romantic or platonic relationships destroyed because they would not pay attention. What a tragedy it would be if they worked so hard and struggled so long to finally develop a relationship that is so special only to have it destroyed because they became so lost in the forest of their own desires and egos that they missed the trees. In this posting, the trees represent those unique, but special things that make our relationships treasured.

So save yourself some pain and frustration and take this advice; Just listen!

Hungery

2008-05-20T21:52:00.001-05:00

I noticed a man on the side of the road with a sign with the word “Hungery” written on it. Obviously, he meant to use the word "hungry" and he was expressing a problem that he wanted others to help him solve. It did not take me long to realize the message he was trying to convey even though he used an incorrectly spelled word.

When people come to us for help, it is unfortunate that we often let the spirit behind the message slip by us because of how the message is delivered. Sometimes, we choose not to do good because the person asking the favor of us did not seem humble enough or appreciative enough or respectful enough. Sometimes, we refuse to help others because we don’t agree or like something they did last week. Sometimes we won’t even pray for certain people because we think they are “unworthy” of our prayers. These and other actions are examples of how we focus on the spelling of the words on the sign instead of the meaning behind the word(s).

Put bluntly, Christian singles should be better than that. When Christ said the last shall be first and the meek shall be uplifted, how do you think this massive transformation was going to take place? Many of us think that God will blink His eyes and magically, the poor will be made rich and the lowly will be brought elevated. If that is the case, then what are Christians here for? I hate to bust your bubble, but we are being called to be God’s transforming agents. As a result of our relationship to God, the sad should be made happy, the defeated should experience the thrill of victory, the unloved should feel true love and the desperate should begin to live a life of hope.

Let’s not let a few misspelled words keep us from promoting THE word from on high. Sometimes we get so beaten up by the worst of what the world has to offer that we don’t always dot our I’s and cross our t’s. But even through our slurred speech, mispronounced words or poor grammar, we still expect God to bless us. So we should expect nothing less in our opportunities to help others. If we keep allowing the bungled messages to prevent us from living up to our spiritual mandate to be a blessing to others, then we have some "splaining" to do!

Accepting the Risk of Heartache

2008-05-20T21:34:00.005-05:00

Have you ever had your heart broken? No feeling compares to the “kick in your gut, can’t breathe, leave me alone, don’t want to be bothered” depression that paralyzes and drains you. When you are going through it, you wonder if this is worse than death. If given the choice, you would prefer an ear ache, toothache, and a headache. At least with those things, you can take two aspirins and call someone in the morning. But heartache? Who in their right mind would choose such a thing?

Well, I have some bad news for you. If you are a Christian single, then you have to be willing to experience heartache. I can hear you asking, “Where in the Bible does it say that?” Good question. But hear me out. There is no verse that says, “Thou shalt choose heartache.” But we are to live according to the spiritual principles of loving others as we love ourselves, loving our enemies, forgiving those who mistreat us and trusting in God.

What do all of these things have to do with getting our hearts broken? Another good question! All of these things give guidance on how we can build relationships, including those of a romantic nature. As they relate to our interactions with the objects of our affection; the emphasis is on maintaining and building our relationships. I know many of you would rather cut the brotha or sista loose that seems determined to break your heart, but let’s remember the example that God set as He dealt with us.

When He made us, He had to know that we could reject His love. But thankfully, He chose to love us anyhow. He also had to know in order for us to have our relationship with Him restored; He would have to send His son to pay the ultimate sacrifice. He could have saved Himself a lot of heartache back in the beginning if He chose not to love us. But with all that He knew and could foresee; God still made the decision to love us. Finally, when having a positive relationship with God was the furthest thing from our minds; He patiently loved us past our blindness. His love finally wore us down and we came to our spiritual senses. But how much heartache did God endure while He waited for us to eventually accept His love?

God expects us to show the same kind of love to others that He showed to us. Just like He opened Himself to the possibility of heartache; we must show the same strength in being willing to risk the pain of having our hearts broken. Love is a gamble and at times it seems like life would be much simpler if we closed our hearts to all romantic possibilities. But that would be so un-Christian. Call me a fool, but if given the choice of:

The possibility of finding true love but that leaves me open to having my heart broken (option 1)

Protect my heart by against heartache by shutting off all possibilities of experiencing the blissfulness of love; (option 2)

I WILL ACCEPT THE RISK OF HEARTACHE (option 1).

Too Lazy

2008-04-17T23:23:00.000-05:00

Lazy? Who me? I don’t think so! These are typical responses for when we are accused of being lazy. But how else can we explain not putting forth the effort we know will give us those things we desire?

And what exactly is it that we can “get”? The short answer is all of the blessings that God has for us. Now this is where most of you will hide behind the misunderstood statement; “what God has for me is for me”. That statement means nothing by itself. For it to reflect God’s true will, we must add; “if I don’t blow it”. Without that additional statement, we remove any responsibility we have and dump it all over God. In other words, “God better bless me regardless of what I do”.

All of this gets me back to the lazy theme. God wants us to earn that college degree or find that well-paying job or start that lucrative business or buy that fancy house or find your soul-mate. But, He is just not giving us these things without us being properly prepared. If we get that college degree, will that move us closer to Him or push us further away? If we get that new job or start that new business or buy that fancy house or find our soul mate, will it be easier or harder for Him to get our attention? Okay, we all know what the answer SHOULD be, but what is the true answer? If we have not shed our lazy ways; then God blessing us with those things we are asking for is like a parent giving a small child a loaded gun to play with. Chances are the child will harm themselves and others with that gun and so it is with some of the blessings we have been seeking from God.

Instead of reading the Bible like we should or praying consistently like God expects us to or expressing Godly love in all of our relationships, many of us have gotten so fed up with being played and hurt and embarrassed and abused that we throw up our hands and give up. We’ve been turned down for too many jobs, failed too many college courses, lost too much money in our business ventures, had our houses go into foreclosure or had our hearts broken too many times for us to keep doing the right things for the right reasons. We would rather just give up. It is easier to just stay down instead of getting back up and at ‘em again.

The blessings are there, even if you cannot see them. Trust God and get out there and do some work. There are college degrees with fancy letters with your name on it. There is a new house that is waiting for you to move in. There is a new job that needs someone with your expertise. There is a soul-mate who is looking for a lover just like you. Are you connected enough to God to receive all of these blessings and more or will you continue to take the lazy way?

I pray that God will grant all of us the will and the drive to rise from our couch potato easy chairs and reap every last ounce of favor God is sending with our names on them.

Tomorrow’s Post: Too Much Drama

Too Busy

2008-04-15T23:54:00.000-05:00

Is it me or does it seem like everyone is busier than ever? Can’t talk now, I have to be here or don’t bother me because I am supposed to be there. I have places to go and people to see and things to do. Doesn’t that sound familiar? If you are not saying these things, then you know someone who is.

Like most of you, I have a full plate. Between running several businesses, writing and publishing my books, serving on various committees and various other activities; I can always find something to do. But one of the most incorrect assumption can make about me is that I am too busy to start and maintain a romantic relationship. That is just plain wrong!

For me, the opportunity to build a healthy and life-affirming connection with a woman who is a good match for me is something I will always make time for. I cannot imagine ever being too busy to enjoy a blessing that God is trying to send my way. A good woman is worth the time to get to know and no committee or business or anything is going to keep me from her.

What about you? Do you use your busy schedule as an excuse for not starting or maintaining new relationships? Let me offer some friendly advice. Stop that? Make time for someone special in your life. He or she will be worth it. If a long-term romantic relationship is what you want, don’t blow it by claiming that you have so many things to do. Keep up your volunteer efforts, stay in school, remain a diligent employee or put your creative energies to good use in your new business or continue singing in the choir. Whatever you are doing, keep doing but don’t let them prevent you from finding true love.

When all is said and done, a successful business or college degree or a hefty bank account pale in comparison to the sense of fulfillment you will experience in a romantic relationship that God has blessed you with. Be honest. What compares with the joy of anticipating that first kiss or spending romantic moments or late night walks and talks or the sharing of dreams with the one you love? I refuse to let my full schedule keep me from experiencing these things. What about you?

Tomorrow’s Post: Too Lazy

Too Honest?

2008-04-14T21:38:00.002-05:00

Interacting with people is more of an art than a science. And the more potentially intimate that relationship; the more treacherous the path. Hence, the saying that those you love the most are the ones who can hurt you the most. But the real question is “Are you willing to risk being hurt if it means the possibility of finding true love is at hand?”

When it comes to romantic relationships; I think it is helpful if we think of dating as the gathering and sharing of information. Often, we put too much pressure on ourselves because we have a specific objective in mind when it comes to our dating activities. “Should I ask her for her number and risk her saying no?” “Should I accept his proposal to go to the movies and risk not having a good time?” “Should I even bother with dating if it means I might get my heart broken?” If you insist on making the goal of getting a boyfriend or girlfriend your only objective, then the answer to the above questions should be no.

On the other hand; if you value the sharing and acquiring of information, then dating is right for you. Granted, the information you receive may not be what you want to learn about someone. It is possible you may find out that he or she is not really into you. Or you may discover that he or she is not really compatible with you. Or you may realize that you are not able to measure up to his or her standards. These “facts” may not be desirable, but they are good things for you to know.

In our zeal to get to know someone, we feel the urge to divulge a lot about ourselves. We want him or her to love us as much as we sense we are beginning to love them. When we talk and we share with them our expectations; we hope two things will occur. They will share information about themselves with us and they will start to like us. But sometimes instead of love, we get a form of dislike in exchange for information we disbursed. Is that pleasant? No. Is that good? Yes.

So, can we be too honest? I don’t think so. Our timing can be off, but it is always better to deal with truth than with something less than the truth. It may make sense to wait until a few outings after the first date to disclose certain information. But in my opinion, it is never good to forever withhold vital facts about ourselves from those we are interested in.

What if he or she leaves me? What do I do if he or she no longer wants to be with me? Those are good questions and I think a good answer is that it is better to deal with the knowledge of not having someone in your life that does not want to be with you than it is to not be aware of their lack of interest or compatibility. The sooner you know that he or she is not going to stick around, the sooner you can move past the hurt and proceed to what God has in store for you.

Tomorrow’s Post: Too Busy?

Reading Minds

2008-04-09T21:59:00.000-05:00

In our interactions with others that potentially could blossom into a romance; there seems to be more questions than answers. Does he like me? Is she just being polite or does she have feelings for me? Am I the kind of person he is looking for? Do I match up well with the items on her wish list? Making this period of questions even more frustrating is the inability or refusal of the other person to provide straight answers.

It has been said that there is a dance ritual before the dating starts. I can’t reveal too much about how I am feeling and you play your emotional cards close to your chest. We often are left with reading signs and deciphering clues. She called me, so she must like me, right? He took me out to the movies, so he wants to date me, right? To be fair, we assume the other person can correctly decipher our clues. I picked up the phone when you called, so I must like you. You said yes when I asked you out, so OBVIOUSLY I must like you.

What is it about us that we can’t just say what we mean? I like you. Now tell me if you like me. No guessing, no games, no mysteries. Either we are going to move forward in the direction of romance or we are not. Let’s not be coy here. If we are not going to be together; then it is best we move on before one of us gets our heart broken or our feelings hurt.

Besides, what is obvious to you may not be the same for me. Or what I think you should clearly see concerning my feelings for you may not be so plain to you. As hurt as I may be if you were to plainly say that you are not into me; I would appreciate your honesty and the opportunity for me to move on. It is unfair for me to keep stringing you along if I am not really interested in starting a relationship with you. At some point, we know how we feel, so why do we make people read our minds?

If we insist on being elusive and mysterious; then somehow the Holy Spirit will need to step in and bless us with the gift of discernment. Sometimes we will just have that feeling that the person we are attracted to is not a good match for us. We may not be able to put our finger on it, but we trust God enough to help us protect our hearts. If we trust God, we no longer have to resort to the imperfect science of reading minds!

For each one of you that wants to find true love, I pray that God will help you to successfully navigate the pathway to blissful romance. Resist the temptation to push away the Spirit when it comes to finding your soul mate. Without the Spirit whispering truth and guidance in your ears; all you will be left with is trying once again to read someone else’s minds. I don’t know about you; but I’d rather put my faith in the wisdom of the Holy Spirit than on my fallible senses.

In a Jazzy Mood

2008-04-08T00:18:00.001-05:00

I am a big smooth jazz fan. Smooth jazz helps to set the mood for those times I am writing or thinking about what I should be writing. It seems like my fingers hit fewer wrong keys when the music is smooth and my thoughts come more easily. It is sort of like singing in the shower where our voices sound much better; smooth jazz makes me THINK I am more profound than perhaps I really am!

So blame it on the music when you don’t agree with my posts. Maybe I should have been listening to George Howard instead of Howard Beasley or maybe Marion Meadows would have been better. But I think in the final analysis, the gist of my thoughts would not have changed much regardless of who is playing in the background.

Music inspires me to try and capture the emotions behind our singleness. It is one thing to encounter events in our lives, but what adds texture to our perceptions of those events is our feelings. If you are watching tv alone on a Friday night; what is the emotion that is sharing the sofa with you? If you are anticipating having a first kiss with someone special soon; what tingles of emotions are you experiencing? For me, smooth jazz helps me to hone in on those sentiments.

Emotions are important because they form the basis behind our behaviors. Under the spell of anger, our actions differ significantly than when the emotion is joy. The better we can anticipate and even control our emotions, the more we can mold our actions to our spiritual principles. On the other hand, when we let our emotions run the show, we are vulnerable to being more violent, more hurtful, more destructive and more selfish in our interactions with other.

For me, smooth jazz allows me to experience the emotions similar to the way a scientist observes nature but does not alter the scene. I can experience sadness without “behaving” sadly. I can experience anger without becoming destructive. I can feel the joy of being in love without losing myself in daydreams. It is amazing what smooth jazz can do.

Sometimes my posts are upbeat and sometimes they are not. That is very similar to the smooth jazz I listen to. Depending on the music or the mood it stirs; I can feel like dancing or I can just desire to sit and think. But the thoughts that arise from either mood reflect another aspect of our singleness journey. That’s the beauty of being in a jazzy mood.

Have A Little Talk With Jesus

2008-04-06T22:14:00.000-05:00

There will be times that we want to have a conversation with someone who does not seem to share the same sentiment. Perhaps not exactly a declaration of love, but certainly a declaration of interest. You feel something about this person and you want to let them know how you feel in hopes you will find they feel the same about you. You hope against hope that the unreturned phone calls, the unanswered emails and the blank looks are not really communicating messages contrary to what your heart is declaring. What to do when the one you want to talk to appears not to want to talk to you?

Have a little talk with Jesus and tell Him about your troubles.

You had a major fight with your best friend and ugly things were said. At the time, you were too proud to apologize and to be honest, you were in no mood to accept one if they offered one. But now, you miss your best friend and you have swallowed your pride. If you could just get them on the phone, you now realize that you would have much to say. But your friend is not ready to communicate with you. What’s next?

Have a little talk with Jesus and tell Him about your troubles.

A private conversation or rather argument has erupted between your conscience and your desires and you can’t find anyone to talk some spiritual sense into you. You feel quite vulnerable right now and you need a spiritual ally to help you get back on track. In your mind, you believe that no one truly understands what you are going through. With no one to open up to, to whom do you turn?

Have a little talk with Jesus and tell Him about your troubles.

We know that Jesus is someone we should be talking to at all times. But being human with our individual vulnerabilities; sometimes we go everywhere but to Him when tough times come our way. Jesus has the capability and also the willingness to make our good times better and our bad times good. Let’s stop making our singleness harder than it has to be. Let’s make a habit of continuously having a little talk with Jesus.

Finding God

2008-04-05T23:04:00.001-05:00

We have been told that God is so big that we can’t get around Him. So high, that we can’t get over Him. So “everywhere” that we can’t lose Him. If all of this is true; then why every once in a while, do we have to take special effort to find Him?

When things are going well, we sometimes forget to include God in on the ride. He may have provided the means for our success, but yet we somehow manage to kick God to the curb.

When we see a new Mr. or Miss Look-So-Good; we sometimes tell God to get out of our way. Even though every relationship that we tried to build without Divine guidance has blown up and left us frustrated, broken-hearted and a little more cynical; we have the audacity to think that this time will be different. Our actions say “Sure God created the heavens and the earth and stuff, but He doesn’t know “jack” about how to build a life-affirming and healthy romantic relationship for me.” So Lord, if you don’t mind, please take all of that spiritual mumbo jumbo over there while I try to get some love from Mr. or Miss Look-So-Good.

When our friends are acting right by being trustworthy and not divulging our secrets; we sometimes think their friendship is more solid than having the confidence of God. As long as our friends are willing to go dutch every once in a while, answer the phone when all hell breaks loose or lend us $5 until payday; we sometimes look down our noses at Divine favors being sent our way.

And on those occasions when things aren’t going well, we sometimes would prefer going anywhere but to God. Sometimes it’s guilt or sometimes it’s just plain arrogance, but we have decided to make God a last option instead of the first one we turn to.

So as big and expansive as God is; we sometimes lose Him along the way. Our heads tell us that He is always there and He will never forsake us, but often our hearts trick us into feeling like He is AWOL.

Where ever you find yourself on your singleness journey, I encourage you to “find” God. Things going pretty well? Maybe it’s time to allow God to be your wingman even though He is the one who is actually in charge. Found a potential new love interest? Before you go messing things up again; consult with God, the ultimate relationship coach. Are you blessed with having good friends? Make sure you count God as one of those dear comrades. And when things take a turn for the worse, go ahead and swallow your pride and tell your troubles to the Wonderful Counselor.

Save yourself a lot of weeping and gnashing of teeth stuff and take the time to keep the main thing, the main thing. Take the time to find God.

Cheering From The Sidelines

2008-04-05T22:30:00.001-05:00

It has been said that what goes around, comes around. I suppose that is true of good luck and periods of special blessings. Today may be my day of special blessings while tomorrow may be yours. Or maybe our days of divine favor may happen at the same time or they may not. As Christian singles, I think that we should work just as hard at celebrating the special moments of blessings for others as we do our own special days.

I have a friend who seems to have found a promising new love. She is at a stage where there are more questions than answers, but each day hints at new and exciting discoveries about her new friend and potential romantic partner. She does not know it, but I am praying for her and the new relationship. I stand ready to celebrate each new milestone and any details she care to share. Sometimes she does not have to say anything but let the smile on her face affirm that things are going well. Whether she keeps me abreast of her romantic accomplishments or not; I want her to know that I am cheering for her from the sidelines.

As her cheerleader, I expect good news and I would be greatly disappointed if things don’t work out between her and her new love interest. Being on the sidelines, I stand ready to be that shoulder to cry on, but my prayer is that I will be the one who is clapping the loudest as her relationship grows stronger.

I suspect that all of us can look around and identify friends who are enjoying great success in the romance arena. I don’t mean one night stands or sexual drive-bys. Rather, I am talking about people who have crossed the burning sands of loneliness, despair and maybe a moment or two of desperation to finally reach an oasis of romantic bliss. You know how painful their nights of loneliness were. You heard their cries of “Oh Lord, what about me?” You shared their moments of anxiety and sensed their hint of surrender to never finding true love. Knowing what they have gone through; you should celebrate the fact that it looks like they have made it. Praise God and thank Him too for answering their prayers. Be the first to grab the pom-poms to take the lead in cheering from the sidelines.

“Lord, bless my friend’s new relationship and may the smile I see on her face continue to reflect your divine favor. I thank you for hearing her cries and for not holding against her those moments of lost faith. Thanks for allowing me to have something to cheer for from the sidelines.”

Okay, I’m Cool With That

2008-03-16T23:17:00.001-05:00

You asked me to pray for you because you need the strength to do something you feel you must do. I don’t need to know all of the details. Just asking me to pray for you is all the information I require. So if you have nothing else to say; I am cool with that.

You said that now is not a good time to talk because you are dealing with the after effects of a broken heart. You can’t understand why your romantic partner did you that way, but you realize you must pick up the broken pieces of your heart and move on. You don’t have to share the gory details because I know what it’s like to have someone steal your heart. If you want to put a pause on our relationship while you recover from the one from your past; it’s okay, I’m cool with that.

You don’t understand why some singles seem to be so desperate because you certainly don’t feel that way. Thank God you’ve got this singleness thing figured out. You just have trouble seeing why certain singles seem to lose their minds for some loving. If you don’t even want to try to understand and you care not to entertain the thought; that's fine, I am cool with that.

You want someone to love you just as you are and you don’t seem to be making any progress in finding true love. You hate to come across as a weakling, but there are nights you cried yourself to sleep and still it turned out to be a sleepless night. If you want to pretend like nothing is wrong and you prefer I not be so insightful; that’s alright, I’m cool with that.

Being your friend means I take you as you are wherever you are in your singleness. I understand that we all have good days and not so good days and sometimes very bad days. Having bad singleness days does not make you a bad person. In fact, Jesus paid the price so that none of us have to be “bad”. Ain’t that good! So when singleness is like a walk in the park on a cheery spring day, I won’t steal your sunshine. But when singleness is like the rain that ruins your parade and your picnic; I will be there with an umbrella. Where ever you are is where I will be. Come hell or high water, we are going to be okay in our singleness. We both are children of God and I am definitely cool with that!

Let Me Ask You A Question

2008-03-15T23:03:00.000-05:00

Okay, this is something new for this blog. Periodically, I will write a short scenario and I want you to write a brief (no more than two sentences) response or reaction. I think it will be interesting to see how different people view the various scenarios that will be presented.

“You told me that you are in one of those moods. Tonight is full of many possibilities if I play my cards right.” I wonder what you mean when you say that you will take me places I have never been? I have to admit, I am intrigued by your words. Maybe I will take you up on your offer. Before I do though, I have one question for you.

That question :_________________________________________________________.

Just Lookin’

2008-03-15T22:39:00.001-05:00

I was killing some time in the mall and I went into one of the department stores. I was actually out and about taking care of some things and decided to walk around and browse a few things. You ever have one of those days when you have no intention of buying anything but you feel like seeing what is out there? Well, that was me today.

While walking down one of the aisles, a store associate came up and asked, “May I help you with anything?” As you can guess, my response was “No thanks, I am just looking.”

Unfortunately, many singles go through life “just lookin’”. We find ourselves in the department stores of God’s providence and we would rather browse than buy. We have access to a storehouse of divine promises, but we don’t want to step out on faith. Instead, we choose to keep our faith in our pockets.

What are some examples of singles “just lookin’”?

We adopt the victim mentality and refuse to change. This can apply to not exercising to take care of our health, not reading to expand our minds, not going to Bible study to learn more about God’s word or not resisting sexual temptation.
We spend more time looking for faults in others than on looking for ways that we can grow. Sure it is easier to point out the faults of people we interact with, but it requires a commitment to change when we recognize our own vulnerabilities.
We stop believing that God has great things in store for us. A husband or a wife? A better paying job? A successful new business venture? A true friend? Spiritual maturity? Not for me. Not because God will not grant these things. Rather, we won’t receive these things because we are too lazy to put God’s promises to work in our lives. In the mode of not believing in God’s promises, it is easier to complain than it is to sweat a little to grow a lot.

And I could go on. The list is too extensive to mention everything. So don’t think you are off the hook if what you are dealing with is not listed!

When we “just look”, we do not cash in our faith in God. Sure we talk a good game about being a child of the King, but we sure don’t act like it. It is almost like we go out of our way to find something to complain about. We aren’t doing those things that will move us closer to our God-ordained potential and yet we complain about the lack of progress in our lives. For some of us, we are doing the right things, sort of. The truth of the matter is many of us are just going through the motions. We go to church because we have a sense of obligation to go. Not because we can get another dose of God’s word. We read the Bible because we heard that is the thing that Christians do. Not because that is one of the ways that God whispers in our ears. Whether we are doing nothing or we are just going through the motions; we are as vulnerable to sexual temptation, spreading false rumors, dating spiritually incompatible people, not taking care of our spiritual and physical health as we were when we first gave our hearts to God.

So the next time God asks, “Can I help you with anything today”; take my advice and don’t say, “No thanks, I’m just looking.”

What Have We Here?

2008-03-13T21:19:00.000-05:00

Lately, I have been thinking about my lack of a love life. Poor, poor me! Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen. And on and on it goes. My phone doesn’t ring. My email box is empty (except for the regular notices that I have won a million dollars in a lottery that I didn’t even know I played) and my door knocker is about to fall due to lack of use.

What have we here? Another bad singleness day? If you ask me, it looks like my glass is not only half empty, but it is looking pitiful bad.

Where is God in all of this self-pity party? Some might look at me and say, “If that is the kind you serve that He leaves you without joy, I don’t want no part of it.” Can’t say that I blame them. What kind of message am I sending about my Heavenly Father?

No love? Oh really! I guess Jesus’ love is not enough. What greater love than for someone to lay down his life? Christ did that for me? Well, that’s the kind of love I need!

What have we here? A singleness gone bad because I don’t recognize the blessing of God’s love? How many souls have been turned away because of my displays of loneliness? Ahh, the possibilities, but now they are gone. Why? Because I kept the focus on me.

At times like this, others may say, “My god is bigger, stronger and better than your God.” When I am moping around like this, how can I argue? They may be on to something. Maybe I should give my God another look. Loneliness and depression, you ain’t got nothing on Him. No doubt my God can open a can on your god!

What have we here? Has God been faithful to you? But that is really not the question. We should answer if we have been faithful to Him? I think that is where I have messed up. I really didn’t trust Him. I really didn’t expect Him to keep His word. I wasted too much time looking at my problems instead of staying focused on the promise of God’s power.

Jesus loves me this I know! What have I been smoking? Me with no love life? Now that I think about it; that is ridiculous! I have more love than I can handle and that’s the problem. I can’t “haaaaaaaandle” it. (From the movie, A Few Good Men with Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson). Not because I am not capable, but because I didn’t truly believe.

I’m in love with Jesus and He’s in love with me. Well, what have we here!

That Ain’t No Bop!

2008-03-03T23:58:00.002-05:00

Go ahead and strut. Walk that walk! Keep your head up, but not too far up that you can’t see where you’re stepping. You might fall into a ditch or something. Feeling pretty good about yourself, aren’t you? You have got this singleness thing licked. You are on top of the world.

POW! WHAM! (In tribute to the tv classic “Batman"). Then suddenly life is not so great anymore. You refuse to be defeated, but your walk is a bit more unsteady. You try to play it off, but we both know the truth. That ain’t no bop!

Bop is a style of walking that exudes confidence. It usually includes a little dip there, a lean here and a sway somewhere. But between you and me, you aren’t really feeing all poised. What was it this time? Loneliness, sexual frustration, disappointment, another special day spent without someone special, a broken heart, a misunderstanding of God’s purpose or people just being people? For now your bop has taken a temporary leave of absence.

Sure you can keep moving. But that don’t look like no strut! Just because you have a limp from where your singleness kicked you in the shins, doesn’t mean that you are defeated. Stay faithful to God and He will help you get your bop back. Sometimes He allows us to limp through until we are able to regain our stride.

You don’t have to fake it with me. I know what it is like to stumble through a valley or two. Once I caught a reflection of myself trying to jive walk my way through another bad singleness day. But the image of me limping made me realize something and I share that realization with you. That ain’t no bop!

Don’t Ask God

2008-03-03T00:50:00.001-05:00

Tonight, I come before you as a self-appointed representative of God. He has not specifically asked me to say the following, so if you don’t like it, don’t blame Him.

Somewhere not too far from most of us, there is a person who needs a shoulder to cry on. This person probably has gone on and suffered in silence for so long that they feel like they are going to burst. Maybe they are at the point that one inconsiderate remark or one insensitive act may cause them to go “postal”. If you see this person, don’t ask God to help them. You do it!

Every once in a while, our singleness gets the best of us and we need a sympathetic ear. At those times, we need love without expectations and gestures of affections without secret agendas. When you see someone going through this, don’t ask God to uplift them. You do it!

If not today, then maybe tomorrow, you will encounter someone who is really working that last nerve. For no good reason, they have decided to see how many of your buttons they can push. A few years back before you were saved, you might have opened a can on this person, but thank God you are not what you used to be. Instead of asking God to keep you from bopping them on the head, you do what you have been spiritually trained to do to show your Godly love. God’s love has redeeming power!

Mr. or Miss Look-So-Good is all up in your face and no is the furthest thing from your mind. What harm could a little “something something” do? You have been faithful and you’ve been strong, but your resistance to sexual immorality is fading fast. Don’t ask God to take away the temptation. Use this episode as an opportunity to put your spiritual convictions to the test.

In short, here is what I am trying to say. Let’s stop “bugging” God with stuff we can do ourselves. Sure we can pray for others, but let’s not stop there. Most of us have the capacity to lend a shoulder to cry on, help the old lady across the street, give food to the homeless, talk a close friend away from the brink of an emotional explosion, be the model of “good” when the temptation to be “bad” is challenging us and so much more. As God’s temporary spokesperson, I must remind you that we don’t always have to run to Him when we already have the resources to uplift His people.

I guess I better be going now. I think I see some official looking angels heading my way. I wonder if they are coming to congratulate me for speaking for God or are they coming to fire me. Whatever the case, you think about what I’ve said and give God a break. We are no longer victims, but the victors. Let’s use the power to help and inspire that comes with being Children of God.

A Scarred Soul

2008-02-27T23:50:00.001-05:00

I was listening to an excerpt of Dr. Martin Luther King’s speeches where he was talking about Jesus’ directive for us to “love our enemies and turn our cheeks…”. He reasoned that Jesus knew these actions would be difficult to implement, but that it would be better to have “scarred bodies” than “scarred souls”.

As singles, we often encounter negative situations that tempt us to react in negative ways. You broke my heart, then I will stop loving you. You spread false rumors about me, so I will not be nice to you. You played me like a piano, so I will do what I can to get revenge. Each time we repay meanness with meanness, we introduce another scar to our souls.

I know it is hard to love others as God commands us, but that’s the key command that Christians should live up to. We Christian singles need to remember that we get out marching orders from God, the very definition of love, not satan who is the opposite of everything that God stands for. So when we treat others as badly as they treated us, we are switching allegiances to the other side!

Eventually, a scarred soul will lose all of its spiritual vitality. Then it will become difficult to pray on a regular basis, get up to go to church or to bible study, love others as God commands us to, affirm each others’ humanity as wonderful creations of God and forgive (and forget) when we would rather lay our religion down.

At people’s worst is the time when people need our best. Be honest, it is easy to love someone who loves you or be nice to someone who is nice to you. But spiritual infants can do that! Jesus laid down a challenge for us to grow and mature in our ability to love as God loves us. He might as well have said, “Wimps, need not apply.” If He understood then that we may have to endure some scars on our bodies to preserve the health of our souls, then why would He expect anything less of us today?

Lord, I’ll Trust You

2008-02-27T00:24:00.000-05:00

Okay Lord, I admit it. You are a lot smarter than I. I’m not complaining, but you did have a bit of a head start. I mean, you’ve been around since the before the beginning of time so you were bound to learn a thing or two. I know, you were “smart” before time came into existence, but my point is, you’ve been around long enough to build up some frequent travel miles, if you know what I mean. But of course you know what I mean; you are God!

Can you clue me on something? It seems like this singleness thing has me a bit confused. When you observed that is was not good for Adam to be alone, were you just referring to him or to all of mankind? Or maybe your statement only applied to some people, but not all. You see, I am alone and I am beginning to feel like that is the way it is always going to be. Not that I’m questioning your wisdom or anything, I just want some answers. That is, if you don’t mind.

Because you are so smart and all, I will trust you. Can’t say I will always agree with you, but I will do my best to go along with your program. Surely, in the gazillion plus years you have been around, you have encountered all kinds of people in all kinds of situations. So my current state of singleness must not be something new to you. But it is new to me. Got any answers? Something that can put my mind to rest?

Is there someone out there for me that will be just as excited about being with me as I will be about being with her? You see, up to now, my timing has been off. But I am sure you have better things to do than to hear about my lack of a love life. So instead of complaining, I will just try to trust you. See, I’m starting get a little smart myself! I may not know everything, but I know enough to rely on you.

Not that I am telling you what to do, but could you kind of hurry up with the solutions to my problems? Unlike you, I don’t have a gazillion plus years. I mean, a brother would like to enjoy that someone special in this lifetime, if you know what I mean. But of course you do; you are God! That is why Lord, I’ll trust you.

What Do You Mean When You Say I Am Not Good Enough?

2008-02-25T00:38:00.003-05:00

Okay, this is something new for this blog. Periodically, I will write a short scenario and I want you to write a brief (no more than two sentences) response or reaction. I think it will be interesting to see how different people view the various scenarios that will be presented.

“I can’t believe you have done this. You call me and invite me to this fancy restaurant. You let me order what I want and then you have the nerve to say that to me? You say you are feeling stressed about our relationship and that it is time we take some time away from each other. Are you breaking up with me? Is there something I have done or said to make you not want to be with me anymore? And one last thing, what do you mean I am not good enough?”

What I meant by that statement was _________________________________________.

The New Definition of Being Gay

2008-02-25T00:34:00.001-05:00

Not too long ago, I made a shocking discovery. I found out I was gay!! You think you were surprised, well then you can imagine how surprised I was. This revelation was all the more shocking because I have never had sex with a man and never desired to have sex with a man and never fantasized about having sex with a man. Just between me and you, when I do have my fantasies, it includes me and a woman. (Nia Long, if I have to name names). So you must be wondering how I discovered I was gay. Let me see if I can explain.

The other day I was speaking with someone that I had not seen in awhile. We did the usual catching up stuff. “Where have you been?” “What have you been up to?” Things were going pretty well until the girlfriend question came up. (He’s married, so I didn’t think to ask about his girlfriend.) Anyway, when I told him that I do not have a girlfriend and there are no prospects, he shared with me that others had speculated to him that I was gay.

Let me see if I got this straight. I am gay because I don’t have a girlfriend and I am not having sex with a lot of women and I don’t walk around sniffing after women. Does that pretty much sum it up?

So that is how I found I am gay.

Excuse me as I climb on my soapbox. (Cue the music please.) Okay people, we have to do better in our relationships. Let’s stop assuming the worse about each other. Let’s stop putting people in these crazy boxes we construct with our own fears and issues. Let’s stop tearing each other down. Let’s start being sincere in our efforts to build up each other. And for goodness sakes, let’s stop making people gay just because they don’t flaunt their love life (or in my case, my lack of one.)

I still can’t figure out when this gay change took place. I have been so focused on moving forward in my life and getting the bills paid, that I completely missed that moment when I came out of the closet. Or am I still in the closet? Is it okay for me to come out or do I have to wait to be outed? Gee, this gay thing is complicated. I think I will go back to just being a heterosexual, just like God created me.

This Neibuhr Guy Was On To Something!

2008-01-01T09:14:00.000-05:00

Theologian and author Reinhold Nieburh is credited with writing “The Serenity Prayer” which starts off with the following verse:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

I wonder if this is something that we can apply to our lives today? You see, we try to do the right things, but people don’t always cooperate. That special lady that I would like to get to know better, she has other things on her mind. Since I can’t change her, should I love her anyway? That guy that seems like he would be a great romantic partner just does not see things your way. You have failed in getting him to adopt your point of view, so does that mean you need to give up on love? That boss seems to get a kick out of ruining your day, but does that mean you should not put in an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay? That friend who keeps stabbing you in the back or who won’t repay the money you lent makes you wonder if you are viewed as weak by being so nice?

With all of these people who won’t go along with our plans, should we still send that email, extend that invitation, mail that letter, share that smile, give that greeting, offer that shoulder to cry on or shake that hand? If you are a Christian, the answer to that question is another question. Why would you not?

God did for us what it may not have made sense for Him to do. He loved us when He was the furthest thing from our minds. He desired a relationship with us when we were too distracted looking at others to have a relationship with Him. He sacrificed everything on the off chance that one day we might come to our spiritual senses. Wow, what a tremendous risk He undertook!

“Lord, help me not to get all twisted up about those people and circumstances I cannot change. Help me to keep my focus on where it should be. That is, help me to concentrate on me. In short, help me to do the right things for the right reasons”.

How ironic it is that the people we cannot change are the same people we allow to change us! She won’t love me? Then I will stop having that loving feeling! He won’t return my calls? Then I will stop calling! You don’t want to be my romantic partner? Then I will give up on this thing called romance! My boss won’t treat me right? Then I will cease being a good employee! My friends keep stabbing me in my back? Then I will stop being a friend!

Hmmm, interesting how this Niebuhr guy related his prayer to the attainment of serenity or what we may call peace of mind. Could it be that I am stressing on things and people I have no control of and losing sight of how I can help me? He suggests that it is wisdom that helps us to focus on those capabilities that God has already granted. No stress, no drama and a good dose of wisdom. This Niebuhr guy might be on to something!

Firecrackers, Collard Greens, Black Eyed Peas and Humphrey Bogart

2008-01-01T02:06:00.000-05:00

So much is riding on tonight or rather, this morning. This is the time of the year that we come up with silly rhymes to match the new calendar. More in 2004. Staying Alive in 2005. Going for the Fix in 2006. Closer to Heaven in 2007. Times will be great in 2008. Whoa! Somebody stop me!

Yes indeed, a lot is riding on how this year starts off. For me, I hear firecrackers in the background and I am continuing the tradition of having collard greens and black eyed peas as the first meal of 2008. If my memory serves me correctly, collards symbolize wealth and black eyed peas represent good fortune (luck). To top it all off, I am watching a Humphrey Bogart movie in black and white. (The Big Sleep, if you must know.)

Is it true when they say that how you start something is how you will end it? So this is how my singleness will look this time next year? Or will it evolve in to something entirely different? I started and ended the year in church, so doesn’t that mean God will bless me? I had collard greens and black eyed peas, so doesn’t that mean that I will have more money and good luck? I am enjoying a good classic movie, so doesn’t that mean I have good tastes?

With so much riding on these first few hours of 2008, can anyone tell me that my singleness will have more answers than questions this year? You see, up to this point, being single for me had lots of sentences that ended with question marks and very few with periods. Lord, I have been patient. Can you please supply responses to my inquiries?

But for the time being, I will enjoy my collard greens, black eyed peas, while watching a classic movie that is competing with firecrackers for my attention. Maybe I will be alone this time next year or maybe I will find true love. Could it be that I will finally figure out this singleness thing? Who knows? Uh-oh, there goes some more questions.

For everyone who is reading this blog, may your singleness reap the benefits of collard greens, black eyed peas and may you get to do many of the things you enjoy like watching a good black and white movie.

Interesting, Ain't It?

2007-12-30T16:50:00.000-05:00

One of the reasons why I write this blog is to help us all look at our singleness from a spiritual perspective. Often what happens is we resort to cliches instead of delving deeper into God's expectations of us as singles. If not cliches, then we darn near drown ourselves in the sea of false religious piety. Interesting, ain't it?

In a few of my postings, I have suggested specific things we could do differently that might help us start and maintain longer and more fulfilling romantic and platonic relationships. But instead of us being willing to try some new things, most of us have responded with empty excuses and weak cliches. Underlying all of this jive talking is a fear of change and an unwillingness to put our trust in God into action. Interesting, ain't it?

In my posting on March 17th entitled, "Have You Lost That Loving Feeling?", I warned against the dangers of always responding with "yes, but".
(See http://mooskm.blogspot.com/2007/03/have-you-lost-that-loving-feeling.html)
When we should be looking at ways to reach more people and to establish more relationships that are healthy and life-affirming, most of us would rather weakly respond, "I can't or I won't do that". Interesting, ain't it?

And then we get to Shenequa getting married. Instead of looking to her to help us, we blow it off by saying that Shenequa is settling. Really? It looks like Shenequa has put into action her faith in God and we are the one who are settling. We are the ones who won't make that call or send that email or respond with a smile. We are the ones who will be watching tv on Friday night while Shenequa will be enjoying time with her fiance or husband. We are the ones who keep trying to convince ourselves that God must have His hands in our state of being without a romantic partner. We are the ones who are blindly hoping that God must have a reason why don't have a wedding date. Shenequa is settling? No, the truth of the matter is WE are the ones who are settling and we are doing it by hiding behind excuses, cliches and false proclamations of religious piety. Interesting, ain't it?

As I approach 2008, I know I need to change or I will get the same results. I know I must be willing to put my spiritual muscles to work if I am going to enhance my life with healthy life-affirming relationships. I understand that God has not called me to whine and settle for less than what He has ordained for me. I realize that instead of criticizing Shenequa, I should be thanking her for setting the example. Interesting, ain't it?

To Dream The Possible Dream

2007-12-28T03:10:00.000-05:00

When it comes to dreams, the first thing we need to acknowledge is that they originate with God. In our younger days, our dreams were a way of giving shape to our destiny, our future. At that innocent age, the particulars of the dreams was not as important as the budding passion that were going to drive us toward our potential.

So our lives will turn out differently from what we dream, that is true. But the direction should not. We may not be the lawyer or doctor or professional dancer or football player that we aspired to in our youth. But we should be doing something that leaves a legacy and moves our family and friends forward. Sometimes we foolishly say, “If I can help one person along the way, then my life would not have been in vain.” But the spiritual truth is that God is expecting us to touch many lives in so many positive ways. Why are you willing to help only one when God says you can help so many more?

To dream the possible dream is to allow God to point you in the right direction. When we truly allow that to happen, we may end up becoming something we had no intention of becoming. Maybe a “numbers person” becomes an artist. Maybe a “clumsy teenager” becomes an aerobics instructor. Maybe a high school graduate eventually becomes a college professor. But whatever it is that God is calling you to; make sure you do it well. The key thing is to do well what God calls you to, not what you settle for.

For most of us, God calls us to multiple roles. A trusted friend, a husband or wife, a supervisor or employee, a business owner, a church member and the list goes on. Only you CAN know the roles God is calling you to, but often we ACT like we really don’t know. Just because we deny them, doesn’t mean the calling is not there.

To dream the possible dream is to accept that divine fact that God knows you are capable of. Marriage? Even though your marriage ended; that doesn’t mean that God is not still calling you to be happily married. Success? Even though it seems everything you have taken on has fallen apart; it doesn’t mean that you are not destined for great things. Legacy? Even though it seems you have no particular talents, it doesn’t mean that you are not being called to make this world a better place. How often have we held ourselves hostage to our past disappointments and shortcomings and denied ourselves the chance to realize God’s ordained future?

When you read this post, don’t look at the specific examples and say “Aha, that doesn’t apply to me.” Rather, examine your life and try to identify the specific roles that God is still calling you to. Be open to becoming something you may have not thought was in the cards. Don’t accept less than what God is expecting for you and say, “This is good enough for me.” Don’t make excuses for life not turning out the way YOU thought it would and do dare to dream the POSSIBLE dream.

Bamboozled, Tricked and Punked

2007-12-26T23:28:00.000-05:00

How many times have we declared our dreams and hopes and then when no one is looking, we wondered why the words we spoke are so different from what is really in our hearts? I can hear you responding, “No, Kevin. I don’t know what you are talking about.”

Oh really? So you always wanted to be:

A single mom with the father of your children being a no-show in their lives.
An underpaid, overworked employee at a company that is liable to lay you off at any moment.
A divorced person who has seen more birthdays, Christmas holidays and New Year’s celebrations as a single-again person than you did as part of a marriage partnership.
A person who is working in a field totally unrelated to your academic training.
Someone with no romantic partner and few friends which leaves you to spend holidays and other special days alone.

These and other points highlight the differences between what we have dreamed and what we have actually become. Very few of us dreamed of becoming a single parent or an underpaid worker or a divorcee or a long-term single-again person. Most of us still harbor the sometimes desperate hope that tomorrow will be better than today even though today is just like so many of our yesterdays. When will the madness end?

We have bamboozled, tricked and punked and we are the chief trickster!

What a crying shame it is for single Christians to lay claim to dreams by default instead of daring to dream what may appear to be the impossible dream.

I am okay with not ever getting married.
It’s alright if I never find true love.
All I need is some mind-blowing sex every now and then and I’ll be fine.
I don’t need to go through the trouble of starting new relationships; I like things the way they are now.
Why buy the cow when I can get the milk for free? It can’t get any better than that, can it?

Psst. Come closer, I have a secret to share with you. A little closer. You are almost there. Here it is…… You have bamboozled, tricked and punked and you are the chief trickster!

You have allowed yourself to settle for less than what God is trying to give you and you have the audacity to say you are fine with that? Instead of giving in to your feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness, step up and boldly lay claim to the dreams that God whispered in your ear years ago when you were younger and less tainted by the harshness of the world. Stop being a victim of an unspiritual drive-by and stop being the butt-end of satan’s jokes. The dreams you proclaim are the gateway to your legacy and destiny. So when you lean lean lean more to the devil’s side than to God’s side, you are selling yourself way short.

Tomorrow’s Post: To Dream The Possible Dream

Dreams Out The Back Door

2007-12-25T22:36:00.000-05:00

It is an unfortunate fact of life that we often do not literally mean what we say. This is particularly true when we speak of our dreams. To people listening to our words, it may appear that we are definitive in the declaration of what we want or hope for. But most of us are looking over our shoulders because we are afraid that others may uncover the true intentions behind our words.

It is indeed a sad life when we allow our dreams to slip out the back door.

It is one thing for us pursue our dreams and fall short of them. At least we can assert that we tried and that perhaps it was not meant to be. However, when we forget to lock the back door and we never have a chance to pursue “the what might have been scenarios” in our lives, we miss out on the thrill of the chase which invigorates us and adds excitement to our respective journeys.

But noooo, we spent so much time putting double locks on the front doors to salvage our pride and feed our fears, that we left the entrances to our sense of purpose undefended. In the panic of appearing to be stronger than we really are and to perpetrate the lie that we got it going on, our dreams escaped to anyplace but here in our hearts and minds. That’s what happens when we pay more attention to our fears and pride than to our divine sense of destiny; prison bars that try to hold our dreams hostage only end up giving them an incentive to break free.

It is indeed a sad life when we allow our dreams to slip out the back door.

You do not have to possess a particular skill in dream interpretation to accept that our dreams are divine whispers into our consciousness to move us toward our destiny. But so many Christian singles have had those divine whispers shouted down by those voices in our heads that suggest we are not good enough or capable or ready to achieve what our minds have conceived. Like Peter who stood in the middle of the boisterous sea and who paid more attention to the rocky seas than to the miracle God was demonstrating, we were ready to press the panic button. In a sense, our almost drowning experience in a sea of doubts and feelings of inadequacy became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Each time we darn near killed ourselves by succumbing to those negative emotions, we opened the back door a little wider for our dreams to slip, slide away.
Tomorrow: Bamboozled, Tricked and Punked

Shenequa is Getting Married!

2007-12-23T16:35:00.000-05:00

Over the past 6months, I have had three friends get married and two have become engaged. That’s 10 people that have made it to where I want to someday go. Knowing what a struggle dating and sustaining a healthy romantic relationship can be, I praise God that He is still favoring singles with the blessing of marriage.

Have you ever wondered why her and not you? What’s Shenequa got that you don’t have? Well, I suspect this is what separates Shenequa from all of you who want to get married, but so far haven’t find the “right one”:

Shenequa didn’t talk herself out of getting involved in a new relationship by thinking and acting on the notion that all men are after one thing. Shenequa’s fiancé or husband may indeed have been after “one thing”, but somehow that was transformed into an engagement or marriage.
Shenequa didn’t settle for the same ole, same ole. While it may have been safer to sit at home on Friday night and not risk getting her heart broken, she chose to go to the movies or out to dinner with the guy.
Shenequa didn’t lose her trust in God that He will protect her heart and that He will send a future husband to her. Many of us talk about trusting God, but then we turn that into a lie when we are not willing to step out on faith in our interactions with new people in our lives.
Shenequa was willing to do something different. Maybe she made the first call or maybe she sent an email that she normally would not send. Maybe she apologized even though it might make her appear to be weak. Maybe she cooked him dinner even though she really doesn’t like to cook or she doesn’t want to be expected to cook all of the time.
Shenequa was willing to take a risk. Yes, he could have been a playa just waiting for an opportunity to break her heart. Yes, he could have been an ax murderer looking for his next victim. But, Shenequa put her trust in God to the test and was willing to rely on her spiritual gift of discretion to take a risk on the man who ended up becoming her fiancé or husband.
Shenequa did not follow bad advice that people, even those with good intentions, often give. So what if he didn’t call when he was supposed to? So what if he has baby mama drama to deal with? So what if he doesn’t make more money than she does. So what if she has to pay for their outings every now and then? If she had a problem with her man, she went to HIM and then to him.
In summary, Shenequa did what she had to do without losing her self-respect and without jeopardizing her spiritual health.

There are probably many more things that Shenequa did that so far, you are not willing to do. Thank God that Shenequa made it through the sometimes treacherous jungle of singleness. Praise HIM and the next time you see Shenequa, ask her what she has that you do not.

A quick note: Most, if not all of my readers are female. So this post was written to women. Before you say it, let me remind you that Shenequa could not control what her future fiancé or husband did, so you should not try to use that as an excuse either.

Okay, let me have it!

The List

2007-12-22T21:31:00.000-05:00

In the movie, Why Did I Get Married, Patricia (played by Janet Jackson) advised her friends to write a list of the good and the bad things that their husbands have done. Her suggestion was that if the bad list outnumbered the good, then “let him go”. But if the good outnumbered the bad, then hold on to him.

Yes, I know it is only a movie and “it is not real”, but I think a comment is warranted.

First of all, making a list is okay, but we need to be mindful of several things:

That list is subject to change
What is “good” and what is “bad” is subject to interpretation and mistakes can be made.
At a given point in time, we may not remember all of the good or bad a person has done.
So it may not be appropriate to base the continuation or ending of a relationship on a list written at a particular time.

I think the list gives the wrong impression. It assumes equal weight between good and bad acts. In truth, I believe “good” acts should carry more weight than “bad” acts. Also, the list reduces the relationship to a mathematical equation and doesn’t take into account one’s spiritual and emotional maturity.

But if you notice in the movie, the woman who played the wife of Tyler Perry’s character was in the car working on a list that seemed to be only on one side. Was that the good side or the bad side. I think that really doesn’t matter. The real value of doing a list is not in adding up the number of good and bad deeds. Rather, the value is found in the act of thinking about the relationship.

Often when we think of past relationships (or current ones), we may remember the bad things, but the good things seem to stick in our minds more. Yes, he doesn’t always call when he says he will. Yes, she may not be the most romantic person in the world. But we still can’t shake that loving feeling.

So, make those lists if you must, but don’t get caught up in a numbers game. Emotions are not the same as cold calculating rationale. There may be a million reasons why you should not be in a relationship, but love (especially Godly love) can outweigh them all. God had those million reasons to kick us to the curb, but He chose love over justice. Maybe it’s time we do the same with those special people in our lives.

What I Miss

2007-12-21T23:37:00.000-05:00

Maybe I'm watching too much tv or reading too many books, but they all seem to remind me of my truly single status. What does "truly single" mean? It means that not only am I unmarried, I am also not seeing or dating someone.

You want to know one of the things I really miss when I am truly single? The closeness. I miss having my face mere inches from her face, our noses almost touching. I feel her breath in my face and I can almost see the words as they float out of her mouth. Being that close may mean we will kiss or it may not. Just being able to be that close with someone I am attracted to and also she doesn't mind me being all up in her face. Remember what it's like to be close enough to someone that you feel their heart beat or you can sense their slightest movement? Our eyelashes compete for limited space as we look into each other's eyes and the world seems to no longer exist. Wow, it really doesn't get any better than that!

Usually at this point in a post, I try to link what I've said to a spiritual lesson or point. Well not tonight! Sometimes we just need to acknowledge what we are feeling whether it is "spiritual" or not. Often when we are honest with ourselves and we stop hiding behind our false sense of piety, we will find that owning up to our true feelings can indeed have a spiritual benefit. Well looka there, I found a way to slip in something spiritual anyhow!

Divine Falsehoods

2007-11-29T23:33:00.000-05:00

The promise of redemption is something that all Christian singles should not only hope for, but also expect. Consider it one of the benefits of membership in the Christianity Club. Now this is no exclusive club, mind you, but there are certain requirements to get in. The main requirement is to confess our sins and acknowledge Jesus as our Lord and Savior. Sounds easy, but we have a tendency to make it more difficult than it has to be.

As a member of this club, we live by the code sometimes referred to as The Divine Promises. Unfortunately, many of us have turned those codes into Divine Falsehoods. God says He will keep us from falling, but we insist on being another one that bites the dust. He says He will never forsake us, but we keep whining about the fact that we are so, so alone. He says His love can not only redeem us from our persistent stubbornness, but He can also transform others. But we want to hoard salvation for ourselves and leave those we consider unworthy to fend for themselves.

“Thank you Lord for saving me, but don’t even bother with my boss who gets on my nerves or my ex-romantic partner who broke my heart or my neighbor whose dog keeps leaving unwanted deposits on my flowers. Your grace is sufficient for me, but not even YOU can redeem them!”

Who are we to pick and choose who God saves? If He can take the time to pick us up from the depths of mess we put ourselves in, I KNOW He can save those we may view as unworthy of His redemptive power. So yes, that co-worker who keeps taking your parking space or that boyfriend who won’t stop spreading his wild oats can be changed in miraculous ways. We may not want to help our ex-wives who have turned out to be horrible mothers or that sibling who has been a thorn in our side since our childhood or that friend who still hasn’t paid back that money you lent him. But God does! That’s a blessed PROMISE, not a lie!

When we pick and choose who we want to be redeemed by God and we defiantly say that if they are going to be saved, it will not be through our efforts, we are advertising that God’s promises are in fact Divine Falsehoods. Christian singles should be in the business of letting God use them as instruments of redemption. That’s one of the requirements of being a good member in standing at the Christianity Club.

Remember, it’s the devil who is a liar, not our God!

Is God A Liar?

2007-11-28T23:03:00.000-05:00

Okay, we all know what the answer to that question SHOULD be. But what do our relationships say about the truthfulness and dependability of God? Bottom line, it really isn’t God’s honesty that is in question. Rather, it is our understanding and faith in His Word that needs to be examined.

It is very easy for us to fall back on habits, most of them bad, when it comes to our relationships. If you don’t speak to me, then I won’t speak to you. If you are mean to me, then I will be mean to you. If you hurt me, I will try to hurt you back. Instead of taking the high road and apologizing even though “technically” it was not your fault, we stubbornly refuse to let anyone “get over” on us. Many of us would rather see a relationship that once was good deteriorate into a relationship that is now bad. Far too often, we let our hurts and bitterness and pride keep us from making the first move to restore a once treasured relationship.

If all of this is true, then what did Jesus die on the cross for? When we have so many relationships that are unfulfilling or annoying or reactionary, then we are in essence calling God a liar!

Most of us are “smart” enough to level that accusation behind His back. We ain’t crazy enough to say it to His face! But the truth of the matter is, the way we conduct ourselves in our interactions with others hints at our doubts in the redeeming power of the God we serve.

I encourage all of us Christian singles to do the little and the big things to develop and sustain more relationships that are positive. This means we have to be willing to forgive even when the other person shows no interest in being forgiven. We have to love people even more intensely when they are at their most unlovable. We should be willing to risk being humiliated or talked about or rejected because of our attempts to make a new friend or reunite with an old one. Sending that email may not be your thing, so pick up the phone. Taking someone out to dinner may not be possible, but buying a card expressing positive thoughts is something most of us can afford. Turning the cheek and learning to count to seventy times seven may be a bit much, but we can learn to be more patient and more forgiving in our relationships. Doing “this” may not be what you want to do, so consider doing “that”.

As we approach the end of one year and the beginning of another; I pray that we will turn from our ways that imply that God’s desire to keep us from falling is just another empty promise.

Same Ole, Same Ole

2007-11-25T22:56:00.000-05:00

We may wonder why even bother with trying to establish new relationships or resurrect old ones? Our lives may not be perfect, but we have learned to live with the challenges we have. So what if I never find true love? Who cares if I only have a few friends that I can truly count on? What’s the big deal if I never speak to that ex-friend or ex-romantic partner who callously ended our relationship?

That same ole, same ole relationship is looking good right now, isn’t it?

Let’s look at a hypothetical example. Suppose I dated a lady and it seemed like we were really into each other. Then she cheated on me with my best friend and showed no remorse when I confronted her. To make things worse, suppose she left me to continue her relationship with my friend and made no effort to restore our relationship.

In that example, it is obvious that I have a negative relationship with her after all that we have gone through. But, I have a choice as to how I deal with my relationship with her. I can leave things as they are. Or I can try to re-establish some kind of a positive connection. (Not necessarily a romantic relationship, but at least one where we can be genuinely civil to each other.) As a Christian single, I should not settle for the same ole, same ole. I may not ever have her as a girl friend, but I can try to have her as a platonic friend.

I can hear you saying that I cannot control the ex-girlfriend. If she does not want to re-establish a positive connection with me, then there is nothing I can do. But is that really true? I can try and that is where my responsibility lies.

Why would I even bother to become friends with someone who blatantly broke my heart? Because I do not want to be the one to call the redemptive power of Godly love a lie! Jesus died on the cross to save us and to offer us an alternative to our sinful nature. God redeemed me (and all of you). Can His love redeem people like the ex-girlfriend in this example? Am I or are you willing to be the instrument God uses to transform our relationships from the same ole, same ole?

Now take the above example and apply it to your own situations. Maybe it is not an ex romantic partner, but maybe it is a family member with whom you have stopped speaking. Or perhaps your same ole, same ole is the possibility of a new romantic relationship that you are not willing to be open to. Or maybe it is a co-worker who is a specialist in working your last nerve. The possible examples of same ole, same ole are endless!

Why send that email or call that person or say hello to that person in the grocery store who spoke to you or contact that person to ask for forgiveness or buy dinner for someone who you know is having a hard time? Because that may an opportunity provided by the Divine to break out of the same ole, same ole rut.

Shattered Glass

2007-11-23T20:23:00.000-05:00

I was watching a television show and that particular episode’s topic was interesting. It started with one of the friends bringing his new girlfriend to a gathering where his other friends hung out. Later on, when he asked his friends what they thought of his new romantic partner, they were initially reluctant to tell him. They did not want him to lose the luster of new romance that comes with the early stages of dating someone. Eventually they told him that she was okay, but that she talked too much. At that point, you could hear glass shattering as the new boyfriend began to recognize this annoying habit the other friends noticed about his new love interest. From that point on, every time he was with his girlfriend, he could not help but see how she indeed did talk too much.

Have you ever had the glass shattered in any of your relationships, either platonic or romantic? Somewhere down the road you recognize that he doesn’t wash his hands after using the restroom or she always talks about her ex-boyfriends. Or she plays the music in the car too loud or he always chews with his mouth open. Bad habits. We all have them and yes, some are worse than others. When we first start that new friendship or romantic relationship, we often don’t notice those bad habits that will later get on our nerves.

But then, the glass shatters and it seems like the bad habit keeps growing until it dominates your thoughts about the new person in your life.

First of all, we have to remember that the glass shattered for God in His dealings with us. He wants so much more for ourselves than we can envision, but our bad habits born out of fear and ego keeps us from reaching our potential. But somehow, God doesn’t allow the sound of shattering glass to keep Him from having a relationship with us. Thank God that He not only loves us for what we are now, but also for what we can become. That is the redeeming nature of Godly love.

Second, we Christian singles need to stop being so nit-picky in our relationships with each other. We all have the capacity to change bad habits into good ones and we all can grow in positive ways. Let’s make a genuine effort to help each other become more good and even less annoying. Let’s be willing to change even as we ask others to do the same.

Third, let’s put God’s redeeming love into action with ourselves and with those with whom we interact. I’m not saying that you need to be bosom buddies with an ax murderer or a lover with drug dealer, but most of the bad habits we have fall way short of killing people or peddling illegal drugs. Believe in the power of God’s love to transform Mr. or Miss Okay to Mr. or Miss Almost Perfect. (Let's face it; none of us will ever be PERFECT.)

If God can still love and be with us after the glass shattered for Him, surely we can do the same with each other.

L-Tryptophan Attack!

2007-11-22T09:15:00.000-05:00

You know that sleepy feeling you get after eating a big meal like most of us enjoy at Thanksgiving? Forget about washing those dishes! Maybe I won’t catch the rest of the game! Okay, it’s time for the relatives to leave so I can take a nap!

You have just been attacked by L-Tryptophan! Don’t worry, no need to call Homeland Security. Don’t go bugging your doctor! Leave those folks at the emergency room alone! L-Tryptophan is an amino acid that induces a sense of sleepiness after we eat. If we are not careful, we could sleep away a significant portion of our holiday.

Is there a spiritual complement to L-Tryptophan? I suggest that when we gorge ourselves on depression or anxieties, we fall into a pit of lethargy and laziness. Since I don’t have a lover or romantic partner; I am not going to read my Bible today. Because I feel so alone; I am not going to say my prayers this morning. Due to my gluttony on self-pity; I am going to temporarily not be a Christian single today!

All of us are susceptible to being attacked by “spiritual L-Tryptophan”. Especially during the holidays, we may have the urge to just go through the motions but not really establishing or building on our relationships. “Lord, just let me get through New Year’s Eve and I will start the new year as a spiritual Christian single again!”

But a lot can happen between now and December 31st. New friendships can be formed. A romantic partner may be discovered. Family members can be reunited. Indeed, a lot can happen, but a lot can also be missed.

Before you pick up that next piece of loneliness stuffed with depression; be on your guard against the L-Tryptophan Attack!

Don’t Call Me Scrooge!

2007-11-22T01:08:00.000-05:00

Before you even say it, I know that Mr. Scrooge is usually associated with Christmas. But I have a feeling that he will start making his appearance starting today (Thanksgiving Day) and hang around throughout the holidays.

For many, Thanksgiving is a time to buy too much food, prepare an insanely amount of food and then consume much more food than is necessary to live. Also, this day is a day to prepare an elaborate and impressive display of food for family and friends to be awed by. Then Thanksgiving Thursday is followed by Black Friday where people get up early in the morning to jostle old ladies out of the way in search of a great sale on Christmas gifts.

Don’t call me Scrooge, but it all sounds like madness to me!

What would happen if each family set aside one tenth of what they normally spend for the Thanksgiving meal and another one tenth of what they normally spend on Black Friday and they donated that to a local charity helping the homeless? That act of small sacrifice would have a dramatic impact on service to the less fortunate in our communities.

Now suppose we singles took one tenth of the energies we “waste” bemoaning the fact that we are still single at the beginning of another holiday season and we focused instead on uplifting one person? What kind of impact could we have? It seems like many of us Christian singles “enjoy” being depressed or emotionally down during the holidays. We wear our loneliness blues as a badge of honor.

Don’t call me scrooge, but it all sounds like madness to me!

I challenge every Christian single person who reads this blog to dedicate a portion of their time, energies and attention to making another single person’s holiday special.

Send an uninvited e-card.
Take someone out to lunch or dinner without any expectation of a reward.
Call someone that you haven’t spoken with in a while and let them know you were thinking about them.
Offer to do something nice with no strings attached.
Be the bigger person and apologize to that person whose relationship with you fell apart.

There are literally a million things each of us could do. Let’s make this holiday season less about what we don’t have or about who is not in our lives and more about putting a smile on a fellow single person’s face.

And oh by the way, so you won’t call me Scrooge, have a happy Thanksgiving!

Flowers in Concrete

2007-11-18T22:37:00.000-05:00

This morning on my way to church, I passed a concrete embankment that had some flowers growing through one of its cracks. That seemed kind of weird to me. How can a delicate flower break its way through solid concrete?

Sometimes in our lives, we encounter people that we feel are too hard or too uncaring. How in the world can a delicate flower of love and compassion break through their tough exterior?

Better yet, there are some struggles we have that very few people know about. You know what I’m talking about: those fears that keep you from sending that email or making that phone call or taking that test or filling out that job application or applying for that mortgage. Or your desperate desire to be loved that you find yourself settling for any person with warm blood running through their veins. Or that spiritual virus you’ve been suffering under that keeps you from reading your bible or going to church or praying for others or sincerely trying to be a man or woman with God in your eyes. Or that secret weakness that leads you to sleep with people who are not your marriage partner or causes you to continue that rumor that someone just shared with you or takes you down the path to anger and revenge because you are not willing to forgive.

I cannot explain it, but flowers do grow through concrete. That person who appears to be so unapproachable can have his or her heart warmed up. Maybe the Holy Spirit is guiding you to say hello which just might start the process for this person to regain their sense of humanity.

You may feel like you are stuck in the concrete of your fears or unspiritual lusts or seemingly overpowering weaknesses, but God’s flower of spiritual enlightenment can break through your walls of resistance.

So the next time you encounter a concrete barrier whether it is in the form of someone else or it resides in you, believe in the power of God to plant a flower and allow Him to nurture it so that it will grow.

Last Week In Review 11/17/07

2007-11-17T23:15:00.000-05:00

This week, the theme was A Woman With God In Her Eyes. I won’t summarize each post here, but a few closing comments and then I will respond to comments that were left by you. First of all, this series started with me reflecting on my lack of romantic prospects. But I don’t want you to miss the larger point of my writings. Whether or not I have a girlfriend is not a big deal. My life is what it is. But what is important is that we look at our situations with spiritual eyes. So as you think about what I have written, don’t focus too much on my love life. Rather, focus on how you can grow spiritually in your life. Second, in my interactions with women in all kinds of relationships; I have encountered very few women with God in their eyes. Funny thing about life is that two people can look at the same thing and draw two different conclusions. So these women may view themselves as having God in their eyes while I don’t see it that way. In the final analysis it is not important what I think of them, it is important how they (the women) view themselves in light of their spiritual understanding. A far majority of the women I have encountered in my life display some of the same things I referred to as NOT being God in their eyes. I see so much fear, ego, pain, hurt and even lust (not necessarily of me, but that’s okay I guess!! [smile]). As I hope they do for me, I pray for many of them and that God will guide them to where (not to who) He wants them to be, often without their knowledge that I am praying for them. I encourage all of us to pray for each other that God’s expectations will be realized, not our own selfish hustles.

Below are some comments I have responded to.

“I hope you are picky; wait until God saids [says] yes and you see that woman with God In Her Eyes and God In Her Heart. Only through the eyes of God will she appreciate and celebrate you the way you deserve.” What is it that you hope for yourself? I am not sure if I would put a label of “picky” or “not picky” on what I pray for others. Instead of hoping for pickiness, I would pray that people get so in tuned with God that they can recognize a person with God in their eyes. I would venture to say that most of us wouldn’t recognize a person with God in their eyes if they were staring us in the face!!

“It is my thoughts you are playing unfair. I am not sure about anyone else but I truly wanted to know Kevin...and this was without any exceptions [expectations?].” Why are you wanting to know me? Wouldn’t your time be better spent on focusing on your spiritual growth? That’s why I write this blog. Not for people to know me. I am not what is important. God is. Let’s keep our focus on Him.

“Kevin, please take the mask off and stop pushing people away...If I ask if you can get this book or that book yes I need that book but at the same time I am just trying to find an entry point of friendship. BUT I am like God in this way that I truly have your best interest at heart and will not force myself on you.” I do not understand what you mean by “take the mask off and stop pushing people away”. But I think the problem may be that you are focusing on me. I am not what’s important. God is. Always remember the purpose of this blog is to foster spiritual growth. Getting to know me or searching for an entry point of friendship is not what this blog is about. When I write, it is not just my thoughts, but my understanding of what the Holy Spirit is telling me. That is not to say that I cannot be friends with my readers. But I want us to keep the main the thing the main thing which is God and His will for our lives.

“Well, I don't think I want to go around expecting to meet Mr. Right any day. I try to live each day enjoying all that is laid before me. Yes there are lonely times but life goes on.” Not just waiting for our soul mate, but also expecting God’s favor to rain down on us TODAY. Today, it may be a new job and tomorrow it may be an unexpected phone call from a long lost friend and next week may be extra dollars in the bank account. It is the expectation that God is going to bless us that should get us out of the bed each morning. Included in this expectation is the possibility that Mr. or Miss Right will come into our lives. Why wouldn’t you want to live a life of blessed expectation?

“To Thou [thine] Ownself Be True!” Let’s be true to God first and that will lead us to being what He wants us to be. It’s about God, not me.

“It sounds like the majority of your audience is female? We all know we think a little different than "you males" do(smile)...” When I speak of different perspectives, the least of those differences is because of our gender. Because of my family background, my childhood, my particular hopes and fears, my educational background, my personality traits and so on, the way I look at the world may be quite different than yours. Speaking of gender (male/female), it is my belief that God made men and women to be complementary to each other; not adversaries or as polar opposites.

“The writer is asking you to tell him your secrets and short comings yet He refuses to let us truly know his." When you say “writer”, are you referring to me? If so, then I would prefer you not tell me your secrets. It is none of my business. I am not clear on what you are referring to when you say that I am asking you to tell your secrets and shortcomings. Confess what you feel you must to God, not me. What is with this focus on me? Focus on God! Let’s stay focused on using this blog as a tool for our spiritual growth.

Why should we share on the blog when it is not a dependable source and it seems as though we are simply pass time or an experiment. As much as the readers try to make a connection , it is often broken because it feels as though “man thinks so highly of themselves” …and this is call “PRIDE” and as for me I am looking for a humble and caring friend and this is how I came to Christ..” I am not sure what you mean when you “the blog is not a dependable source and it seems as though we are simply pass time or an experiment”. But what I encourage all the readers to do is to share their thoughts and opinions (not secrets or shortcomings) so that we all can grow spiritually. It does me no good to know your secrets or shortcomings. It does do me good to know your thoughts and opinions because I might learn something. Also, I strongly encourage the readers to stay on track to spiritual growth. The main connection you want to make is with God. Let’s worry about connecting with other people after we have grown sufficiently that we all have God in our eyes.

“Amen, my brotha! If ONLY more men would look for "God In Her Eyes", more women would be drawn to the God in his eyes which would create a Godly couple.” For the most part, I agree with your statement. The only change I would suggest is that we not “look” for people with God in their eyes. Rather, we “BE” a person with God in our eyes. (Excuse the incorrect grammar!) In other words, the objective should not be to find a partner, but to re-establish the partnership with God.

“I think it was you who told me you love that person according to what you know that person can be or God intends for them to be not as they are at the moment.” Earlier in your comments you mentioned that the man should be willing to make an investment and they should be willing to meet the women where they are. I think what will work better for me is that I become as much of a person with God in my eyes as I can. That way, I will be in a better position to recognize a woman with God in her eyes. I want to be the best Kevin I can be. I will let God worry about investing in “Shenequa” and if He wants me to “meet her where she is”, then I pray for a discerning spirit to recognize God’s will.

“Thank you so very much for opening up your heart and sharing...” Is this the same person who said I was not sharing my “secrets” and that I was “pushing people away”? [smile].

“It is something to have it going on in one area, but not truly knowing what your purpose is in life.” I think that most of us get sidetracked because we don’t really understand God’s purpose for us. Without that knowledge, we find ourselves doing all kinds of crazy stuff and getting involved with people we have not business being with.

“The expectations of A Man with God in His Eyes (MWGIHE) are somewhat weak to me. Is it at all possible you are not able to see those true qualities because you are too close to the subject? Or perhaps, I have missed this one because I am not close enough to the subject.” By weak, are you saying that there should be more traits or are you saying my explanations were not clear? At any rate, I don’t feel like I am too close to see what the true qualities are. This particular topic is one that I have pondered for a long time and I feel pretty comfortable with my thoughts on this matter.

“Priesthood...is a quality that all God's people should have not only "men" (I know how you feel about quoting scriptures but this one is needed)...see 1 Peter 2:9 “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” My problem with people quoting scripture is they often do not provide an interpretation of what is being said. That is exactly what you have done; NOT providing any interpretation. Who is Peter referring to? Was it the Jews, the children of Israel, the priests of the day, the people who belonged to the new religion called Christianity? What is the key point of this scripture; the notion of priesthood, the idea of being a holy nation or the act of praising God? And what does this scripture have to do with your argument that the notion of priesthood is something meant for both the man and woman and not just for the man?

I think you and I may be closer in agreement than you think. My statement about the “prieshoodness” of men was in the context of his relationship with his female romantic partner. Her gift is influence. The two gifts are complementary. Many men will try to claim “authority” in a romantic relationship and many women let them get away with that. But what most men can legitimately claim (from a spiritual standpoint) is the authority to lead himself and his female romantic partner to the path of spiritual growth. Again, my comment about “priesthoodness” refers specifically to a husband and wife or a boyfriend and girlfriend.

“In other words, man has to see the purpose for a woman through the eyes of God ; the purpose of woman is not for man to abuse and use...the purpose of women out numbering men is not for him to be the grand lover or “playa” ...the purpose of that sassy woman is not for you to lay hands on...the purpose of that woman wearing tight clothes or revealing clothes is not for man to rape with his eyes or force his body upon her...the purpose of your power and influence is not to be little [belittle] and degrade that woman. Unless you have the purpose of God in those beautiful eyes of yours, you will miss the gift of woman God has given you.” Your meaning in this paragraph is not clear to me. How did you go from my discussion of the purpose for a man with God in his eyes to him becoming a “playa”, “an abuser”, “a rapist” and a “belittler”? In my opinion God made men and women to be different, but in a complementary sense. Thus, his weaknesses are negated by her strengths and vice versa. What you are describing is more of an adversarial context or something that is based on conflict. A sense of winning at the expense of the other losing. Why is that your focus? Lastly, I am of the strong opinion that the way a man looks at his purpose (as given to him by God) is different from the way a woman looks at her purpose (as given to her by God). Your arguments seems to ignore the complementary nature of male and females and assumes that men and women are same.

Becoming a Woman or Man With God In Your Eyes

2007-11-17T11:02:00.000-05:00

One common mistake many people make when there is a discussion of the characteristics of a woman or man with God in their eyes is offering the counter argument that no one is fully where they should be. They suggest that we all have room to grow. I say that is a mistake because we need to take responsibility for where we are now and accept the fact that we should be moving in the direction towards our God ordained potential. By saying, “Yeah Kevin, but there are none or very few women or men who truly have God in their eyes”; we imply that looking for such a person is a waste of time.

Let’s not forget our respective gifts of “influence” (women) and “priesthood” (men). These gifts speak to the roles we can play in helping others as well as ourselves to grow spiritually. Secondly, let’s not get so caught up in our own hustle of finding a man or woman to link up romantically with that we ignore our spiritual responsibility to form positive relationships of all types. This second point is worth re-stating in a different way. Our sole objective should be about doing God’s will; not about finding a boyfriend or girlfriend. If we play our spiritual cards right, having a boyfriend or girlfriend will be one of the favorable outcomes of being obedient to God.

The best way to find a person with God in their eyes is to BE a person with God in your eyes!! When we focus on what is NOT out there; we often lose sight of the ways we are NOT growing spiritually. So stop whining about the rarity or non-existence of women or men with God in their eyes!!

How can you become a Woman or Man with God in your eyes?
Here’s the bad news; there is no formula. No two doses of this and a pinch of that and voila! Here’s the good news; God has a plan that is tailor-made just for you.

Here comes a “DUH” statement. If you want to be a person with God in your eyes; then go to God for the answers. It may seem obvious, but sometimes we get so distracted by our loneliness, our fears, our horniness or our anger that we stumble over the obvious. We often allow the fact that the holiday season is approaching or there goes another birthday and we still don’t have someone special to love us to keep us from looking to the ONLY ONE who can help us be the best we can be.

Finally, most of us speak a good game when it comes to our spiritual intentions. But when the light of reality exposes our true desires, it becomes apparent that we are just selling wolf tickets.

We say God is the head of our lives, but we allow our fear of being alone to dictate our actions.
We say that Jesus is our Lord and Savior, but we are more obedient to our desperation to find a mate than we are to Him.
We claim to want spiritual growth, but we are more focused on finding someone to go out with on Friday or Saturday night.
We say we are trying to do better spiritually, but our true objective is to be better sexually or physically or financially or emotionally so that the person we have our eyes on will notice us and want to be with us.

Becoming a woman or man with God in our eyes may start off being a lonely journey. The more we look at ourselves; the more we realize that starting that journey alone is a good thing. Most of us have allowed the world to taint us so much that we would not be of much use to anyone in a relationship anyway. Most of us are too depressed or anxious or angry or horny or scared to be a good girlfriend or boyfriend. So, whether we admit it or not, we NEED to spend some time alone so God can work on us. As we allow God’s plan to take root in our lives, people will come into our lives that will help us get to the next level. That person may or may not become a romantic partner. But they most certainly can become a friend and an ally on the path to our spiritual maturation.

So in closing; becoming a woman or man with God in our eyes is not a journey that many of us are willing to take. But I encourage all of us to take that first step toward God with the expectation that God will take two steps toward us. Keep your eyes on HIM and not on Mr. or Miss Look-S-Good. You probably “ain’t” ready for all that anyway! My prayer is that with each passing day, all of us will become more like a person with God in our eyes.

A Man With God In His Eyes

2007-11-15T21:45:00.000-05:00

Many of you who have read all of the posts in this series concerning a woman with God in her eyes may assume that God in the eyes of a man would be the same. Let me humbly suggest that if you are looking for those same exact traits in men that I listed for women, you will be looking long and hard and end up not being successful! Now, now, don’t get discouraged. It is not that you should not look for a man with God in his eyes. Rather, you should make sure you look for the right things to identify such a man. That is what I am going to try to do with this post!

You may recall that I listed the following traits as belonging to a woman with God in her eyes: Purpose, Love, Influence, Humanity and Hope. Of these traits, only one is specifically for the woman. That trait is the gift of influence. Because of how God has made women; influence is something that should come relatively naturally to her.

With the remaining above traits, there may be some very subtle nuances that are different for men and women. For example, purpose for the woman is important and every woman should have one (or perhaps it is better to say that every woman should recognize their purpose). For the man, purpose is not only important; it is vital. How so? Because of the way God has made males; purpose is part of our definition and ultimately part of our survival. A man without purpose in essence does not exist. Women, be honest. A man who is just floating along through life without purpose is not really attractive is he? He may look like Denzel or whoever you admire for his physical qualities; but if you sense that he is not going anywhere and has no clue of where he is heading, you will quickly lose interest in him. This is more so the case with women who have God in their eyes when it comes to the men they interact with.

But, let’s get to those additional traits I think a man with God in his eyes should have.

Priesthood - If I knew my English teacher was not reading this post, I might use the phrase “priesthoodness”. Essentially what this speaks to is the responsibility of the male to serve as the spiritual leader in the man to woman relationship. Men should be the ones to encourage the couple to go to church, to not engage in premarital sex, to do the right things for the right reason, to help out the poor and so on. Unfortunately, many of our women have had to fend for themselves when it comes to their spiritual health. If she does not work out her salvation with fear and trembling, then no one will. But the way it is supposed to be is the men who are in romantic relationships with women should be leading the way for BOTH of them to grow. (Incidentally, this trait is the complement to the woman’s gift of influence.)

Skill - This is another one of those traits that is nice or important for the woman to have, but it is vital for the man with God in his eyes. From the woman’s perspective, what good is a man who is not good at anything? Have you ever wondered why men who can sing well or play basketball or who demonstrate a unique level of intelligence always seem able to attract women to them? These and other skills are aphrodisiacs of a sort for women. Chicks dig a man with skills! But this goes beyond how a woman reacts to this trait in a man. God created males to change the world in positive ways. With their understanding of their purpose and their “priesthoodness”, a man’s talent (which is God-given) allows him to have the kind of impact on people that the Divine Father wants him to have.

Strength - Does this mean every man should like LL Cool J on steroids? (No, I am not making any allegations!) No, the strength I refer to is not only physical, but also spiritual. In addition to being a world changer, a man with God in his eyes should also be a protector. Who or what should he protect? His woman, his family, his reputation, his legacy, his purpose and his talents. To be able to fend off all of the threats to these people and things, a man with God in his eyes needs to be strong.

I don’t mean to depress anyone, but men with God in their eyes are a rare sight to see. But guess who knows where these “good” men are? Yes, that’s right. God is the answer to that question. Here’s a hint to all of the women out there in blog land who may be wondering how to find a man with God in his eyes. Become a woman with God in your eyes.

Tomorrow’s Post - Becoming a Woman or a Man With God In Your Eyes

Why A Woman With God In Her Eyes?

2007-11-14T23:18:00.000-05:00

It has been said that a rose by any other name is still a rose. Is the same true of women? Perhaps it does not matter if a woman has God in her eyes or not. Physically, she is still a woman even if instead of God, she has “gunk” in her eyes, right? Maybe too much is being made of the notion of a woman with spiritual qualities when all that matters is she is a female.

Most of us recognize that there is something special about a woman with God in her eyes. But do we really understand why it is not only “special” but also important? I suppose part of the problem is that as individuals, we get so caught up in our own challenges, fears, hopes and desires that we lose sight of the MAIN THING. See “Keeping the Main Thing The Main Thing” on March 20, 2007 (http://mooskm.blogspot.com/2007/03/keeping-main-thing-main-thing.html) The challenge for all of us is to hear and listen and then do what the Holy Spirit is saying to us.

So, why a woman with God in her eyes? Because it continues the dialogue that began with God speaking to the woman and to the man which then leads to the man and the woman having a “spiritually intelligent” conversation. See “Spiritual Jive Talkers Club” on June 24, 2007. ( http://mooskm.blogspot.com/2007/06/spiritual-jive-talkers-club.html). Not only will the woman and the man speak “sweet nothings” to each other, but they will also share their desires to help each other become more like what God has envisioned for them to be. They are not only admiring the current God in their respective eyes, but they are also laying the groundwork for keeping it that way as their relationship progresses.

The answer to the question of why a woman with God in her eyes is not about the prospect of finding true love. It is not about fulfilling the romantic fantasies of either the man or the woman. It is not about being blessed with the reality of our dreams coming true. These are secondary to the woman being positioned to live up to her divinely ordained potential. Just as God made her as a physical and a spiritual being; a woman with God in her eyes is like a flower that is blooming into a beautiful person that leads God to self-boast, “It is good!”.

But there is one more thing we need to address with respect to the notion of a woman with God in her eyes. That one thing is “what about a MAN with God in his eyes?”

Tomorrow’s Post - A Man with God In His Eyes

The Sensuality of God In Her Eyes

2007-11-14T01:19:00.000-05:00

First let me say that you may want to read these posts in order. Your curiosity may lead you to read this post first, but you may miss the true meaning of the phrase “God in her eyes” if you start here.

In Merriam-Webster’s Online dictionary, sensuality is defined as: “Pertaining to, inclined to, or preoccupied with the gratification of the senses or appetites; carnal; fleshly.” There are other definitions as well and they center mostly on sexual pleasure. But for our purposes, we will emphasize the notion of the satisfaction of the physical senses.

As the alternate definitions of sensuality suggest, most of us think “sex” when the topic of sensuality is raised. If we are honest, Christian singles think a lot about sexuality. But in that regard, we are no different than other people. Our beliefs tell us that human sexuality was created by God for us to enjoy. However, what many people have done is to use “sex” for purposes other than what God intended and this results in many negative outcomes like unfulfilling relationships, broken hearts, bitter feelings, heightened suspicions and a weakened state of spiritual awareness. In light of all of this, what does the definition of sensuality that extends beyond “just sex” have to do with “God in her eyes”?

When I see God in her eyes, I see:

Sensuality - Unfortunately, most women focus on this as their main center of attraction. But this focus on sensuality masquerading as sexuality betrays a non-spiritual understanding of what spiritually minded men are attracted to. Also, this misplaced attention to their sexuality and not on their sensuality demonstrates their lack of understanding of their divine purpose.

Men are visual beings and we are attracted to what we see. But a spiritual man learns to “see” more than just the physical. Another mistake that many women make is they assume the above sentence means the man will or should ignore a physical trait the woman does not want to work on nor improve. For example, a woman who smokes and who can’t walk a short distance without gasping for breath will say that the man should like her for inner qualities. She reasons that he should ignore her wheezing cough, her tobacco stained teeth and her cigarette breath. Does that sound like God in her eyes to you?

Sensuality from a spiritual perspective says that you take seriously being a temple of God. Just like we should not place chewed pieces of gum under the pew seat or throw our bulletins on the floor after service; we should take care of our bodies. A woman with God in her eyes takes care of her hair, her nails, eats rights, wears clothes appropriate for her body size and shape, exercises and does whatever else is necessary to maintain her “temple”.

She understands that true attraction is both a physical and spiritual phenomenon. She further recognizes that her spiritual and physical natures are interrelated and this helps to heighten her sensuality. In essence, she does not neglect either nature and try to force the man to choose one or the other. Rather, she offers him the total package which is how God created her. To do otherwise, she is denying the creative design of the ultimate Creator.

That is a secret that many women miss. Most men (spiritual or not) are attracted to those qualities that make a woman unique. This uniqueness is most recognizable in her inner or spiritual attributes; not in her physical body. It is crazy to think that your body is so unique that it will make the man want to stay. To be blunt, there is a woman out there with bigger breasts or prettier eyes or sexier lips or a finer body. Don’t view your spirituality as a silent partner! Rather, use it as an ally! Become more like the woman God has created you to be. God made you with a physical body and a spiritual nature and His desire is that you view both as partners, not as warring combatants. Work on your understanding of your purpose, love, influence, hope and humanity. These are the traits that will make you truly sensual and irresistible.

When I look at her with God in her eyes, I want to see a woman that I cannot resist. Not only because she is a brick house (old fashioned term for nice body!!), but also because she is spiritually “super fine”. To me, the ultimate expression of her irresistible nature is when I can genuinely say, “Excuse me for staring, but not only are you physically attractive, but you are also beautiful spiritually!” She is consistently becoming more like the total woman that God expects of her.

A woman with God in her eyes is an awesome sight!

Tomorrow Post: Why A Woman With God In Her Eyes?

What God In Her Eyes Look Like

2007-11-13T02:43:00.000-05:00

If you have been reading these posts in order, you should see a pattern of what happens when we don’t have God in our eyes. You may recall that this series started with me reflecting on my life and my self-described bleak romantic prospects. In that first post, I suggested there was a question that has not been asked that would adequately address my seeming lack of romantic success. I further hinted that the answer to the elusive questions is “God is not in her eyes.”

To be honest, I don’t know if I will ever be able to correctly identify the right question. Maybe I am stepping all over it and don’t recognize it. Maybe the true identity of the question is not important, but the answers are.

As I understand it, here is what God in her eyes look like:

Purpose - She may not fully understand her purpose, but she is sincerely looking!! Her conversations are not endless ramblings of what she wants and what she “ain’t” going to do or put up with. Instead her self-description centers around the growing realization God’s purpose for her.

Love - She loves me not because she loves the notion of being in love. Rather, because of her understanding of her divine purpose, she loves me because loving me is the right thing to do. True love is not tainted with the poison of selfish objectives. That is, she doesn’t love me because she wants me to love her. To the contrary, she loves me because of her spirituality and because of her understanding of her purpose.

Influence - In my opinion, the greatest gift a woman can give a man is to share her gift of influence. God has given women the ability to see things us men tend to overlook or not notice. A truly spiritual woman can help her man to be the spiritual man that God intends for him to be.
Humanity - When I look in her eyes, I should be able to recognize the joy and sense of satisfaction that God felt when He said, “Let us make man.” The first thing I should NOT see is the hurt from all of the men who mistreated her or the pain from a rough childhood or whatever else life has dealt her. I want to look into someone who understands that both of us are legitimate children of God!

Hope - She hopes for what God hopes for. I do not need her to agree with me just for the sake of agreement. She understands her divine purpose and this leads to her hope for the reality of God’s will. The gift of influence combined with her sense of purpose will be expressed in a hope that I will become the man God wants me to be.

Like what you’ve read so far? You ain’t seen nothing yet!! There is a lot to see when you see God in her eyes!!

Tomorrow’s post - The Sensuality of God In Her Eyes

When Does Desperate Housewives Come On?

2007-11-11T22:08:00.000-05:00

Please excuse this interruption in the series “God in Her Eyes”. We will continue with this series with tomorrow’s post.

Why are you reading this blog? Don’t look around, I am talking to you!!

When I write my postings, I do so for one very simple, but hopefully profound reason; To help us all grow spiritually as Christian singles. Why should you read this blog? To help us all grow spiritually as Christian singles!!

How can you help other Christian singles grow? Believe it or not, only reading this blog is not the answer. Where the growth opportunities come is when you leave comments to what has been posted. Why? Because it continues a dialog and it allows others to see not only my perspective, but to get a glimpse of your thoughts as well. The more views that are expressed, the more ALL of us can grow.

Let me very blunt here: When you repeatedly read the posts but NEVER leave a comment, you are being selfish!! Why do I say that? Because you are getting the benefit of what I say, but you are not sharing your opinions on the thoughts being expressed. Further, when you NEVER leave a comment; that strongly suggests that you are reading this blog for the wrong reasons. Anything that is not to help us all to grow spiritually as Christian singles is the wrong reason.

Should you leave a comment every time you read a post? No. But out of all of the posts I have submitted, there are not one or two or three that you can comment on?

Should you only leave a comment when you agree with me? No. In fact when you disagree and you express your thoughts, that presents a tremendous learning opportunity for me, you and others. Why? Because although I believe my thoughts are divinely inspired, I do have my tendencies, opinions and challenges. Your disagreement may bring something to light that can benefit all of us, particularly me.

Last thing I want to say. If the reason why you read this blog is NOT to help us Christian singles to grow spiritually, then you are wasting your time. You would be better off watching “Desperate Housewives” on tv or going to the mall and buying a new pair of shoes!!

Nope, That Still Ain’t God In Her Eyes!!

2007-11-11T21:26:00.000-05:00

The stereotype is that most men look at women as just a piece of meat. That may or may not be true, but most of us (men and women) look at each other as objects to fulfill our desires and needs. This extends beyond just sexual activities. For example, some of us have been so beaten up by life that we need or crave ego boosters. Unhealthy expressions of this need result in physical, verbal or psychological abuse or episodes of violent dominance or unconstructive criticisms. In short, we often “use” others to “fix” something that is wrong with us.

So when I look at “her”, here is what I see: (“Her” represents everyone and not just one particular person.)

Hope - A hope that I can be what she wants or needs to be. But that may not be what I am.
Fear - A fear that I will not be what she wants or needs me to be. Or she fears that I will be like someone or something that hurt her in her past.
Ego - A desire for me to make her feel good about what or who she thinks she is. Whether it is to feel sexy or attractive or smart or successful or intimidating or rich or spiritual, she is looking for validation from me. But I have a spiritual obligation to accept and deal with the true you. Only true and lasting validation can come from God.
Lust - A desire that I will quench those sexual fires burning within. But, after the fires have been put out (for now), will you be closer to God or even to me?
Frustration - Life has consistently dealt her a bad hand and so many people have let her down. She feels like she needs me to be a good thing or person in her life. But did not Jesus say that there is none good but the Father?
Piety - She knows that God should be the head of her life, but she knows that God has to share authority with her other rulers (hopes, fears, ego, etc.). She hopes that I can give her a sense of spiritual validity. But that is not something I can give.

The problem with a woman not having God in her eyes is this; the relationships (romantic, platonic, with co-workers, family members or associates) are going to be unstable like a house built on sand. When we connect with each other with the (often unspoken) hope or need to have that person "fix" something in us, our relationship is starting off on the wrong foot and is almost doomed to not reach its potential. The things I have listed above are things I see often in my interactions with people, so I strongly encourage you to be honest with yourself to discover the "gunk" you need to get out of your eyes.

Tomorrow’s Post: What God In Her Eyes Look Like

That Ain’t God In Her Eyes!!

2007-11-11T00:29:00.000-05:00

In previous posts, I have encouraged the readers to stop seeing others only through the lens of their lusts, dreams, hopes and fears. With the best of intentions, most of us see others for what they do to us:

How they make us feel
How we perceive they can help us
What we want them to do for us

But it all comes down to creating an image of the other person that has to do more with our reality than with their true identity.

I have discovered to my dismay, that many of the interactions that people initiate with me are really just about their own interests. The emails I receive, the call I get, the conversations that people initiate with me mostly have to do with what I can do to or for them.

“When is the next singles meeting?”
“Can I get you to frame this piece of art?”
“Can you get this book for me?”
“I am horny, can you be my maintenance man?” (Okay, no one has said exactly those words to me, but if left unchecked, that is where some interactions may lead to.)
“How can I get an article in the church newsletter?”
“I need you to make me laugh, so say something funny.”

All of these requests and statements are really for the benefit of the person speaking them. Unless I take their “lemons” and somehow turn them into “lemonade”, these words do not help me be more of what God wants me to be.

All that stuff ain’t God in her eyes!!

Tomorrow’s Post - Nope, That Still Ain’t God In Her Eyes!!

God In Her Eyes

2007-11-10T11:12:00.000-05:00

As I reflect on my life, one of the things I was pondering the fact that I do not have a significant other (aka a girlfriend!) in my life. And come to think about it, I am not even close to having one of those in my life. In fact, the way I see it, my romantic prospects look pretty bleak.

I have heard the questions: “What’s wrong with you? You have a job, you’re not bad looking, you have a good sense of humor, you seem intelligent; so what’s your problem? Is it possible that you are too picky?”

All of those questions and any more that you can think of miss the point. Think about it for a moment. There are people with better or worse jobs, who are better or worse looking, whose sense of humor is better or worse, who are smarter or dumber and/or who are more or less picky than I am and they have romantic partners. So, the answer is not that there is something “wrong” with me, because there are people who are “wronger” or “righter” than me and they may or may not have a boyfriend or girlfriend.

But what is the question and once that is determined, then what are the answers?

Getting back to where I started this post, as I reflect on my life, I think the correct response to the as yet unidentified question is “I do not see God in her eyes.”

Tomorrow’s Post: That Ain’t God In Her Eyes!!

Changing Seasons

2007-11-08T22:31:00.001-05:00

It seemed like not too long ago, we were sweating out a torturous Indian summer with temperatures in the 90’s. But now, the season has changed. Fall is definitely in the air and winter is fast approaching. Some places have already had snow and others have had frost warnings. And is it me or does Christmas seem to come sooner each year?

The changing weather that accompanies each season is predictable. For the most part, summers are hot, spring is full of new blooms, fall is for crisp afternoon temperatures (and football!!) and winter is for cold. We know what to expect based on the season we are in.

Unfortunately, the particular season of our Christian singleness is not as clear. Is true love around the corner? Will I meet my soul mate? Is this my season to hope or to accept that some dreams do not come true?

No one definitively answer these questions for ourselves. Sure those who want to sell a lot of books or cd’s or sellout convention halls will tickle our ears with sayings like “What God has for me is for me”. But is that really the truth of our respective situations? Maybe the one that got away was the last “One” for me. Maybe what I am today is what I will always be. Maybe the happy ending I am looking for is not the happy ending I will come to appreciate.

This post is really about questions and not answers. Some of you may be tempted to toss a few clichés and pseudo spiritual sayings. Go ahead if you must. But, tonight I am just going to pose the questions. I will leave it to you to answer as you see fit.

What season are you in the midst of your singleness?

Relationships, Not Clichés

2007-11-07T00:19:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, it is hard for us to see what is going on because we are too close. Also, most of us are so caught up in our own opinions and desires that we miss out on experiencing true connections with others. Sure we talk a good game about caring for others, but subconsciously, we are just seeing things purely from our narrow perspectives.

Many of our relationships are just rusted out containers housing tired old clichés. Consequently, we feel frustrated because people don’t really understand us. We lament the fact that people who claim to love us really don’t feel our pain. We bemoan the fact that our friends don’t really understand the baggage of hurt we carry. We wonder why those in our inner circle don’t really trust us the way we feel they should. The same questions you have about others are being posed by others about you.

How can Christian singles move beyond the cliché tainted relationships we have with others?

Strive to love others as God loves us. A major characteristic of Godly love is self-sacrifice.
Put others’ needs above your needs. It’s not about what is good for you. Make it about what is good for others.
Listen with your heart as well as with your ears. Stop listening only to see how you can get what you want.
Trust others like you want to be trusted. Let’s stop assuming the worst about each other.
Let your first impulse be to forgive instead of to seek revenge. We should love others more when they are behave in unlovable ways.
Actively seek opportunities to inconvenience yourself to help others. Yes, go out of your way to uplift the people in your life!
Practice, practice and practice some more your trust in God that He will take care of you if you put all of your energies in selflessly helping others. It is an outright lie that God helps those who help themselves! The spiritual truth is that God helps those who help others.

Relationships should be a source of joy and peace, not occasions for suspicions, frustrations and unhappiness. Christian singles should strive to set the standard for how friends, lovers, family and associates interact with each other. My prayer is that we will drop-kick those useless clichés and embrace the true power of genuine relationships.

Not Me

2007-11-04T21:08:00.000-05:00

All of us need some help now and then. Life comes us at fast and it can knock us for a loop. To help us make it through the rough times, Christian singles need to be willing to come to the support of each other. When I am down, hopefully you will be there to life me up. When you are down, hopefully I will be there to uplift you.

If this blog has been a source of motivation for you, then I thank God that it has had that effect for you. If because of reading my posts, you have a more spiritual view of your singleness, then I feel good that I have played a positive part. If you feel like this blog has contributed to your spiritual maturation, then I rejoice in the reality that God can even use someone like me to help you.

When you celebrate your moments of victory, look to God, not me. When you want to lift someone ‘s name in recognition for those times you have overcome, look in God’s direction, not towards me. When you are able to stand up to the threats of loneliness, depression or other negative emotions, congratulate God, not me!!

My prayer is that you will continue to become more like what God has envisioned for you to become. Should I claim any credit if this blog has helped you along that path? I think not! Each positive step you have made is an affirmation of the glory of God. He is the deliverer. He is the reason for all of our positive seasons. He is the one who should get all of the credit.

NOT ME!!

Growing Backward?

2007-11-03T23:30:00.000-05:00

A key characteristic of all living things is that they are dynamic. Living things move, grow and change. Sometimes the changes are dramatic and other times, they are almost not noticeable.

Being a Christian single should also be a dynamic process. We should constantly be in a process of becoming more like what God has envisioned for us to become. Also, we should be positive catalysts for helping others to grow toward their potential. If we are not growing in God’s direction; then we will be “growing” in the direction of the evil forces of this world.

If you still are as likely to cuss someone out as you were before you were saved, you are growing backwards. If you still cannot mention your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend’s name without getting angry, then you are growing backwards. If you just as easily jump in bed with Mr. or Miss Look So Good now as you did before God turned your life around, then you are growing backward. If you are as depressed, loneliness and sexually frustrated as you were earlier in your Christian singleness journey, then you are growing backward.

Take it from me; you are heading towards some pretty bad times if you continue to go in the opposite direction of God’s way. No boogie wonderland for you!! You think you are lonely or depressed or sexually frustrated now? Keep on growing backwards and you will really find how desperate times will become.

Isn’t there a song that says, “He picked me up and turned me around. He planted my feet on solid ground”? Well, God has already picked us up. He has already turned us around. But somewhere we managed to “re-turn” our selves around in the opposite direction. We started off with God as the source of our joy and the reservoir of our deliverance. But we have managed to snatch pain and a sense of emptiness from the joys of spiritual victory.

My prayer for you today is that you will keep your big feet where God has planted them! Growing toward God’s way is the way of joy, hope, optimism and peace. We all have found out the hard way that the opposite direction is nothing but a fast track to pure doom and gloom. In the words of another Earth, Wind & Fire song, I pray that you will keep your head to the sky.

Boogie Wonderland!

2007-11-03T10:23:00.000-05:00

Okay, I admit it! I was watching the animated movie, "Happy Feet" on Friday night. If I had to summarize what that movie was about: A penguin who lacks a good singing voice must use his only other talent to find true love. That talent turns out to "happy" or dancing feet.

But what really caught my attention was the inclusion of the song, "Boogie Wonderland" originally written and performed by Earth, Wind & Fire in the 80's. (Y'all don't know nothing about that, but that's another story!!)

One line in that song is: All the need to love can't be gone. All the need to love can't be wrong.

As Christian singles, isn't that our hope? Like the penguin in "Happy Feet", we are looking for love, but sometimes we feel we are not properly equipped to accomplish that task. Maybe I'm not cute or attractive enough. Maybe I'm too fat or too skinny. Maybe I'm not smart enough or maybe I'm too intelligent. Maybe I feel I don't know what to say around prospective romantic partners. Maybe I'm too young or old. Maybe I should have gone to college or maybe I should have a different job.

Surely the need to love and be loved that I have is not gone. Surely the need to love that I feel is not wrong!!

There are no quick and easy answers to the questions we throw at ourselves. To be honest, it is possible that we are some of the things we asked about in the above paragraph. Thank God that there is a but! I may be too fat or too skinny or too young or too old or whatever, but God has also allowed me to be ENOUGH for someone. Like the penguin in the movie, sometimes we have to remove ourselves (or be removed) from our comfort zone to find our true place in this life.

If that is the path that we must take, I strongly encourage you to take God along with you. I suppose you could find your own way eventually. Sometimes people do experience blind luck. But I refuse to bet my romantic prospects on dumb luck. Rather, I am going to ask God to conduct me to my personal version of Boogie Wonderland.

Hey, if a penguin who can't sing can find true love, why not me?!

Let’s Get Drunk Together!!

2007-11-01T21:21:00.001-05:00

There is a commercial on television that reminds us that life comes at us fast. Christian singles can definitely relate to that!

Here you are trying to live a righteous life and then Mr. or Miss Look So Good walks into view. Before you catch yourself, you start thinking and wondering and eventually lusting.

It’s Friday night and everyone you know is celebrating the start of another weekend baby! But not you. What times does that show come on the television tonight. Buckle up, it’s going to be another lonely night.

You make a quick run to the store to pick up some items. You go down the canned vegetable isle and you see a husband and wife and their 3 “bad” kids talking about stuff that married folks talk about and you silently wonder “Why not me?” You go over to the meat section and while looking at a package of turkey sausage, you see a boyfriend and girlfriend holding hands as they float by in obvious bliss. You put that sausage down and you look to the left and to the right and to the front and to the back and it hits you like a ton of bricks: EVERYBODY got somebody but me! Even that lady with the bad hair and that dude with the high-water pants.

Guess what? You are a Christian single and life is coming at you real fast! Don’t look now but loneliness, depression, sexual frustration and even anger are on the way.

In times like this, what do our unsaved friends do? They call each other and say, “Let’s get drunk together!” They meet up and they get their drink on and lament how life is doing them wrong. They laugh together, cry together, share secrets they probably should have kept to themselves and they offer some semblance of support.

But Christian singles, what do we do? What if we could find the spiritual alternative to “Let’s get drunk together?” Instead of getting mad at God or our ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend or that person who did not return your gestures of affection or even yourself, why not find someone to do the equivalent of “getting drunk” with? Wait! Put that bottle of wine down! Instead, be the kind of friend that people can genuinely turn to when life came at them a little too fast. If two people can get drunk and slobber their sorrows away, surely Christian singles can get together to take away each other’s pain.

Just One Of Those Days

2007-11-01T21:20:00.000-05:00

Today was an interesting day. I woke up feeling somewhat melancholy for no particular reason. As I was preparing for church, I played a mixed cd by Ben Tankard. He is a gospel musician who plays the piano and his songs tend to be very melodious which some people may call “thinking music”. That is, music that inspires moments of reflection and deep thoughts. So, needless to say, the Ben Tankard cd did not help alleviate my feelings of pensiveness.

On that cd, there is a song called, “Jesus Knows”. The chorus is “Don’t worry because Jesus knows”. How comforting a notion! Whatever it is that we are going through, He knows. We may not have a clue as to get out of the mess we have put ourselves in, but He knows. There may be someone in our lives who may bring challenges that we cannot handle. But Jesus knows. Every once in awhile, that is all we have. Our mental capacities and our skill levels are not enough to solve the dilemma we are facing. Others in our lives either are not aware of our problems or they don’t have a solution to them. When I say ALL we have at times is the notion that Jesus knows; I mean there is no where or nobody else to turn to. If Jesus can’t fix it, then it won’t be fixed.

But, I don’t think my melancholy mood is because of some problems in my life that are stressing me out. But something about the fact that even though I don’t know the cause of my mood; believing that Jesus knows is a source of comfort. So having “one of those” days” where I can’t figure out why I feel the way I do; I have to hold on to the one fact I should never forget. Jesus knows!

This day is almost over and I still feel the same way I felt when I woke up. Maybe tomorrow will be a day of unrestrained joy. Maybe not. I certainly don’t know the answer to that question. It could be that tomorrow could be just another one of those days. But praise God for the fact that I can rest assured that He knows!

Why Don’t We Believe?

2007-11-01T21:17:00.000-05:00

You know, people are quick to jump to the wrong conclusions. We see a male and female talking and we assume that they are “involved”. We call a friend on the phone and they don’t answer and we assume that he or she is out on a date. We hear that someone we know is helping someone of the opposite sex with a problem and we assume that something romantic is going on.

Why don’t we believe?

We should always do the right things because it is the right thing to do. Not because it might increase our chances of hooking up. Not because it might work to our selfish interests. Not because it manipulates someone else in to giving us what we want. No, no and no! Do it because we should do what we can to help others and to uplift them.

Why don’t we believe?

I can only speculate why we choose to impose sexual or romantic ulterior motives on the good deeds of others. Maybe Billy was helping Sally with some yard work because that is what Billy felt Sally needed. Maybe Sherry is helping John study for the upcoming exam because that is what she feels John needs. Perhaps their motives are pure and those of us who think otherwise, maybe our motives are what need to be examined.

Resolve this day to believe and be believable. Believe that people are capable and willing to do good things with no secret motives. But also, be believable in the sense that you will do good things with no expectation of a reward. Trust God to sort things out and to provide what you need without you trying to force His hand. All of us can use some help every now and then. But let’s make a point of not making things worse by trying to twist our good deeds into opportunities to get our own hustle on.

Way Off!

2007-11-01T21:16:00.000-05:00

Relationships are fragile things, wouldn’t you agree? That’s all the more reason to go running through life’s store of delicate feelings and egos like a bull in a china shop. But unfortunately, that is exactly what we do.

In short, we are often WAY OFF when it comes to truly relating to each other.

Most of us, this includes YOU, only see what we want to see about others. We live in a world where people send cards of condolences because it furthers their secret agenda. Far too often, we do nice things because of the nice feelings it generates in us, not the other person. We go to that meeting or attend that musical recital or go to that graduation because of what we think we can get out of the deal.

Why do we persist in being WAY OFF in our interactions with each?

Emails get sent, phone calls are made, text messages are typed and cell phone are “hit” not because of concern about the person you are making contact. Rather, it’s all about the possibility of making a love connection or getting that sexual itch scratched. Or maybe you need to feel sexy or attractive or wanted or important. Maybe your ego is in need of being stroked.

All of that is all about being WAY OFF. And then we wonder why are relationships are so unfulfilling? Why do we feel frustrated or lonely or hurt?

It is time we Christian singles get back to being WAY ON.

From now on, let’s make our actions about helping OTHERS, building up OTHERS, supporting OTHERS, and elevating Others. The good that you do; stop making it about you and your needs. Trust God to provide for you. You focus on allowing God to help you be a blessing to others.

Yes, relationships are fragile things. Let’s not go bumping through our interactions only fulfilling our selfish lusts and desires. That’s a person with feelings that you are using to get a little something-something for yourself! See, truly SEE the other person. You shrink and allow them to grow.

When you learn the spiritual art of putting others first, God will bless you beyond your expectations. God blesses those that help…..OTHERS.

The Second Mind

2007-09-10T00:46:00.000-05:00

Is it just me or are there times when you are praying that your minds begin to wander? “What am I going to wear today?” “I need to send so-n-so an email.” “What time is that meeting this evening?” Thoughts like these invade my mind even as I am talking to God.

The thoughts that try to intrude in our prayers are referred to as the second mind. People who meditate often focus on something or repeat a mantra to keep their mind from being distracted. For me, before I pray, I keep repeating, “You are getting ready to talk to the most high God.” I am trying to set the tone for my audience with the Supreme Creator. In essence, I am trying to subdue the restlessness of my second mind.

As singles, how many times have we started off with the best of intentions, but we have allowed ourselves to be sidetracked? We said things we should not have said, gone to places we should have visited, had sex at spiritually inappropriate times, etc. Very rarely do we wake up in the morning and we say “I am going to blatantly go outside of God’s will today.” In fact, we usually ask for His guidance. But something happens along the way.

That is the working of our second minds!

Let’s hope that our “first” minds are in the right place. If not, we are in a bad starting place and things will only get worse. We know our first minds are messed up when the wrong things we do are done with little resistance. Let’s have sex. Sure! Let me spread this rumor about someone. Sure! Cuss that person out who just did you wrong. Sure! If our first minds are set on God’s will, then when these opportunities to do wrong appear, we will try to resist them.

With our first minds straight, let’s get to our second minds. To subdue this less apparent part of our consciousness requires a lot of spiritual focus. We don’t start out doing wrong, but because we are not being vigilant, our resistance to temptation is weak. Activities like reading the Bible, going to church and to Bible study, praying consistently, adopting the principles of Godly love and putting the needs of others above our own will help us to keep our second minds in check.

Don’t get discouraged when your second minds get the best of you. Get up, brush yourself off and resolve to do better next time. Turn each moment of defeat learning into opportunities. Allow the Holy Spirit to turn your “lemons” into “lemonade”. As long as the first mind is on the right path, you are positioned to eventually overcome the traps of the second mind. The more you can get both minds in line; the more you can transform your singleness into blessedness.

Thoughts of “Shenequa”

2007-09-10T00:42:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, I went to one of the local parks to read a book. As I was walking back to my car, I remembered how I found out about this park. It was “Shenequa”! In case you haven’t figured it out, that is not her real name.

I can imagine that many of you are automatically assuming that Shenequa and I had something going on. The truth is that she and I never dated nor did we have a romantic relationship. I met her about 10 years when I had my bookstore and she was a regular customer. I always thought she was cute, but since I was married at the time, I knew that nothing was ever going to happen.

After my divorce which was after I closed my store, Shenequa and I ran into each other. We talked on the phone a few times and shared a dinner or two. Our “relationship” consisted mostly of talking and probably lasted 2 or 3 weeks. It was during those few weeks that she took me to the park. A couple of years after that, our paths crossed and I learned then that she was getting married in the next few months. She has since moved away to another town.

Why do I share this with you? Because as I thought of Shenequa this past weekend, I remember our brief time fondly. This led me to wonder if there are people out there that would think of me in fond ways. Have I conducted myself in ways that left others feeling good about themselves? Also, just as I had good thoughts about Shenequa, a person that I was never romantically involved with; are there people I have interacted with in positive ways that was not romantic or sexual?

Unfortunately, we make incorrect assumptions about people of the opposite sex that we see together. Or we accuse people of sleeping their way to the top when we see people receiving promotions at work. In my opinion, too many of our assessments of ourselves and of others are tainted by our preoccupation with sex. When we go out on dates or when we see someone we think is attractive; we wonder if they are a great kisser or if they are good in bed. Instead of that, why not wonder if they are sincerely trying to grow spiritually? Or why not consider ways that we can help them grow in their relationship with God?

My prayer is that we will have the kinds of relationships with people that they think fondly of. I pray that we will not allow ourselves to be reduced to our sexual prowess or abilities to draw people of the opposite sex. God has made us so much more than that! My prayer is that you will be someone’s “Shenequa”.

Where God Doesn’t Go

2007-09-10T00:37:00.000-05:00

I can hear you thinking, “There is not a place where God doesn’t go. He is everywhere. The earth is the Lord’s and the fullness therein.” Well, bear with me. I guess you are “technically” right, but hear me out!

Somewhere on this earth at the very moment you are reading this, there is a single person who is feeling very lonely. We often throw around the word “desperate” when referring to other singles, but there are many singles who desperately want someone to love and to return that love. Here desperate refers to the feeling of being tired of waiting when they are not sure what they are waiting for and if the very thing they are waiting for will ever happen.

Now you and I can talk until we are blue in the face about how God will sustain them. “Wait I say on the Lord….” (Feel free to quote whatever other scriptures may apply!!). But for these singles (and if we are honest, at times, WE are those singles), God is not what we are desperate for. We, I mean “they” want someone to hold them. They want to feel someone’s hands on the small of their backs or someone’s soft lips kissing their own. Be honest, there are some things we want where God will not just do!!

If you “feel me”, then you can better understand where it is that God does not go. We all KNOW (in our minds) that God is the ultimate source of our joy, but sometimes our hearts forget that important fact. We don’t like to admit it, but sometimes we feel like God ain’t showing anytime soon, so maybe a little human companionship will do.

The doorbell rings. The cell phone vibrates. Your computer alerts you that you have new email. Wouldn’t it be nice if the person behind those communications was our lover? I wonder how many of us would be disappointed if we found out that the person at the door or hitting us on our cell or sending us an email was God? (You don’t have to answer that!)

As Christian singles, we must be willing to go where God doesn’t go. When we encounter someone who is feeling lonely or depressed or frustrated; let’s be the physical manifestation of comfort and relief in their lives. We can give hugs without manipulating others into having sex. We can say “I Love You” without it being a trick to play with someone’s heart. We can even take someone out to lunch or to the movies without expecting “something” in return. When people we know are feeling down because of their singleness, they are not necessarily looking for God. Rather, a human face and a loving (non-sexual) touch will do.

By being in places where God doesn’t go, we can help to re-introduce someone to our Divine Father. They may not be expecting a reconnection with God, but if we show up with spiritual roses and candy; they may re-ignite the passion they have for God.

Because of who we are and our weaknesses, there are places that God does not go. That’s okay, because as His children, when we arrive, we bring Him along too.

Spitting In The Wind

2007-08-25T22:41:00.000-05:00

As bad and as tough as we think we are, deep down inside most of us realize that we have moments of weakness. Most of us are vulnerable to something. It could be the smooth talk of someone from the opposite sex. It could be sexy eyes. It could be someone who knows how to dance. Some of us are suckers for who are or appear to be intelligent. On the other hand, our vulnerability may not be in the form of another person. It could be a weakness for shopping or chocolate or eating too much or watching too much television. Maybe it is the inability to pass up so-called good gossip. Sometimes we seemingly just can’t help ourselves in the way we try to intimidate or manipulate or abuse or play mind games with others.

It is easy for me to look at other Christian singles and say my vulnerability is not as bad as theirs. It is easy for other Christian singles to look at my vulnerabilities are much worse than what they struggle with. Guess what? When we maximize the weaknesses of others and minimize our own, we are just spitting in the wind.

And what does that get us? Well, stuff all over our faces!

Let’s accept the reality that we all have stuff we have to struggle against or weaknesses we have to work hard to overcome. Mine is not better than yours and yours is not worse than mine. All of it keeps us from getting as close to God as He would like for us to.

So what is the alternative to spitting in the wind for Christian singles? Good question. Let me know what you think.

From The Git-Go

2007-08-23T23:00:00.000-05:00

Whoa, this singleness trip can be a TRIP! No romantic prospects. Not enough platonic friends. Not even a booty call to say “No” to!! Can somebody at least act like they are interested in me? I mean, what am I, chopped liver?

From the git-go, we get sidetracked by what we feel we are missing. Oftentimes, we waste precious time looking at what we don’t have when we should be using that time to “getting up and go” out there to do something.

From the git-go, we have access to the tools that will enhance our singleness. We don’t ALWAYS have to be depressed or lonely or frustrated or bitter. God has given us the capacity to experience joy, but only if we learn to put Him first.

From the git-go, God should reside at the forefront of our thoughts and actions. That way, we don’t have to put life on pause while we go looking for Him when our singleness takes a bad turn. “Oh, hey loneliness, wait here before you start bringing me down, let me go find God first. I know I put Him around here somewhere.” “Good morning, frustration and bitterness, take a seat while I try to remember where I last placed God.”

From the git-go, we can be the kind of friend to other singles that is consistent with our calling as children of God. “Dear friend, I would love to help you with your problem, but I need to get reconnected to the Divine Father. So if you don’t mind putting your challenges on hold….” “Oh, that is too bad how things are going for you, I know there is an answer to your situation, but my spiritual radar has been running low on charge lately.”

How long will we make things worse for ourselves and for those we interact because we refuse to put God in His rightful place of git-go? Haven’t we shed enough tears and watched other singles cry to know that it does not have to be that way? WAKE UP! (Remember the scene at the end of the movie, "School Daze"?)

“Lord, thank you for being a God that is willing to love us from the git-go. Help us to do the things we can to keep you there. Because if you are in your rightful place, our singleness journey can be transformed into blessedness and we can be positioned to help transform the singleness others in a positive way.”

Getting It Together

2007-08-22T22:49:00.000-05:00

We have all heard the phrase, “I may not be all that I can be, but thank God that I am not what I used to be.” What that statement implies is that we have grown and we are still in the process of growing. In no way should we think that we have arrived and we need to stop giving the impression that we are already there.

As Christian singles, we will worry, become depressed at times, feel horny every now and then, be lonely from time to time and experience doubts on occasion. We may struggle with these things less to the degree we did 5 minutes or 5 hours or 5 days or 5 months or 5 years ago, but we still have to do battle with them. Guess what? That is okay!

We are in the process of getting it together. Whether we admit it or not, we are not all that God wants us to be and sometimes we “ain’t even feeling that”. God understands and through His grace and mercy, He gives us room to grow. You know how sometimes we will say, “Boys will be boys?”. I think God says of us, “Humans will be humans.”

Why is it important to accept that we are in the process of getting it together and we are not all the way there? First, it allows us the opportunity to not get all “swolled up” with pride that we are perfect. Most of us already know this, but every now and then, we are tempted to feel like it is the rest of the world that is screwed up and not us. Second, it allows us to extend the same measure of grace and mercy to others that God extends to us. If God can put up with us, then we should be able to put up with each other.

Recognizing that we are still in the journey to the land of “Get It Togetherness” does not mean that we can stop looking for opportunities for growth. Also, it does not mean we cease helping others to grow as well. Whatever our faults and weaknesses, we should allow the Holy Spirit to get us MORE together and LESS “un-together”! (Okay, so I made that word up!)

So today, let’s not beat ourselves up if we feel lonely or depressed or horny or fearful or doubtful or anxious in our singleness. Rather, let’s acknowledge it and move on. There is no law that says we have to wallow in our mud holes of negative emotions. Also, today, when we encounter other singles who are experiencing these feelings, let’s not condemn them. Let’s try to find a way to love them in a Godly way through their challenge.

Now that is an interesting thought: Doing things together to help us progress on the path to getting it together .

A Few Missing Details…..

2007-08-21T23:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I asked your advice on a “chance encounter” I had at a restaurant on Saturday. Intentionally, I was short on details because I wanted to see how you would “fill in the blanks”. All of the responses and comments were helpful and constructive as well as quite interesting!

One lesson I want us all to take away from last night’s post and your responses is that we have to be careful how we view events in our lives. I get the sense from my interactions with many Christian singles that “finding a mate” occupies a large part of our thoughts and energies. We often assume when we see a male and a female speaking; that they are somehow romantically involved. Also, we jump to conclusions that people do things or join this auxiliary or sing in the choir or volunteer on that committee to meet people of the opposite sex. I know that many people have made those assumptions about me. They say, “He wrote that book on singleness to meet women” or “He is active with the singles ministry at his church to have access to females” or “He sells African-American art and books to get in contact with available sistahs”. For me, I do the things I do because of my desire to help and to grow, not to enhance my dating opportunities. So, let’s be more conscious of not making the pursuit of romance the FIRST thing we think of.

A second lesson is whenever we give advice; let’s make sure we truly understand the “problem” we are trying to fix. In your comments, some of you asked what I wanted to do and one person asked where does God’s will fit in that situation? I think all of us need to take the time to ask more questions to fully understand what spiritual opportunity is being presented. Oftentimes, we THINK we know the answers to life challenges that people face and we end up giving inappropriate advice.

As I mentioned earlier, I purposely left out a few details. Let me provide them here. First of all, the young lady is a teenager. Secondly, she is a member of the same church where I attend and the conversation we had, while pleasant, was nothing about romance or hooking up or getting together. In my dealings with her and with others, my first thought is not of romance, but of spiritual growth. Remember the earlier posts on “A Different Conversation” (http://mooskm.blogspot.com/2007/08/different-conversation.html) and “In Context” (http://mooskm.blogspot.com/2007/08/in-context.html). This young lady is a child of God and it is my first responsibility to treat her as such. Even if she were closer to my age, I still need to view her as one of God’s creations and interact with her accordingly. Yes, we are tempted to pursue romance when Mr. or Miss Look So Good or Talk So Good or Sing So Good or whatever floats your boat comes along. But is that the FIRST thing that should come to mind as Christian singles?

Sorry to disappoint you, but I appreciate your well wishes concerning my dating life. But as I was talking with the young lady on Saturday, the idea of how we jump the gun for the sake of romance came to mind. Today, my prayer for you is two-fold: 1. May you see people and circumstances as God would have you see them and 2. May your spiritual eye-sight lead you to recognize the blessings that God has, is and will send your way.

Chance Encounter

2007-08-20T22:08:00.001-05:00

Today, I am asking for some advice. Here’s the situation:

On Saturday, I went to a restaurant to enjoy a late lunch with a book that I am enjoying. As I walked in the door, this young lady who is an employee at the restaurant kept staring at me and then she smiled. I asked her if I looked familiar to her and she replied with a “Yes”. So we engaged in some small talk trying to figure out where she knows me from. All in all, it was an enjoyable experience.

My question is this: Now that I know where she works and we had a pleasant conversation, what should I do next?

Look forward to hearing what advice you have to offer.