The Last Person

As someone told me recently, “Being single is hard enough on its own without having to be subjected to a list of do’s and don’ts.” I am not here to argue against that point, but I do think we need to make sure we have the right perspective as we dialog on this subject.

Part of what makes singleness challenging is the reality that other people do not do what we want them to do when we want them to do it. To me, that betrays a selfish perspective. With a “me-me-me” focus, it is not difficult to encounter people who have a different view of things than ours.

Imagine how simpler and less stressful life would be if we learned to do as Jesus suggested and put the needs of others before our own? There would be less animosity and fighting if we loved our enemies instead of hating them. There would be less jealousy if we celebrated others' victories instead of coveting them. There would be less broken hearts if we truly loved our romantic partners instead of manipulated them. There would be less “bad stuff” if we dedicated ourselves to helping others instead of only focusing on our selfish agendas.

In short, we should be the last person we think about when we think about notions such as satisfaction and contentment. The ultimate and most genuine indicator of our trust in God is to put more emphasis on uplifting others than the attention we pay on getting our own needs fulfilled. Our steadfast faith tells us that God takes care of those who take care of others.

As a Christian single, do you really want to be happy and satisfied? Then make yourself the last person you show concern for. Trust me, this helping others stuff really works!

Bless Me, Bless Me

Bless me, bless me, oh Lord, bless me indeed!

All over the land there are single Christians making that request of the Lord. I can’t blame them because they understand that you haven’t been blessed until you have been blessed by God. At times, they paraphrase the words of Jacob: “Lord, I ain’t going nowhere until you bless me.”

What does it mean to be blessed as a single Christian? There is a part of us that says being blessed should mean finding our true love. Then there is another part of us that says being blessed is learning to maximize one’s singleness. I humbly suggest that the “real” answer is somewhere in between.

God is not a heartless manipulator that plants the desire for love and affection in each of us only to laugh scornfully when love is the furthest thing from our minds and hidden from our little corners of the world. So, accepting the benevolent vision of God, if He is the one responsible for giving us the desire, we should also expect that He is the one to position us to realize the fulfillment of those desires.

But God also knows that we are more than just a human with an asterisk next to our names because we may not have a romantic partner at this time. He knows that we can live healthy and productive lives as single Christians. He not only knows that, He expects us to leave a positive mark on the world. The old tired excuse of “Hey, I was lonely” is not going to be acceptable.

So do Lord, do Lord, please remember us. We need your blessings. Because of how you have made us, we want it all. We want the romance AND we want to be content. You planted both of those desires in us, so we trust you enough to expect nothing less than the complete fulfillment of your will in our lives.

Thank God that He is not only capable but also willing to bless me, bless me.

The Furthest Thing From My Mind?

During a recent conversation, a friend shared that she met a man that she has become romantically involved with. What great news! The conversation was flowing along until she threw in a monkey wrench.

“What about you, Kevin? Have you found someone special?”

I don’t know why, but I didn’t expect that question. It seems like it is much easier for me to rejoice in other people’s romantic successes than to turn the spotlight on my lack of romance. At this point in my life, it just seems like finding a girlfriend is the furthest thing from my mind.

But is that really the case with me? I once suggested to someone else that part of the reason why she stayed involved with so many activities was to mask the fact that her social life was empty. Maybe someone should be saying the same thing to me.

I am quite busy, but I have always prided myself in making room for that special person, should she come into my life. But I am beginning to think I am fooling myself. Contrary to what Hollywood tells us, romance just does not happen. It takes some effort and attention. I don’t have to obsess with finding a girlfriend, but I admit that I must do more than I have been doing.

I know that I intensely want romance in my life. But what evidence of that desire manifests itself? I cannot recall the last time I asked for someone’s number or asked someone out on a date. And if there were any women who were trying to subtly send romantic signals my way, I was either too blind or too dumb to properly interpret them.

So, in the final analysis, I must be an incurable romantic. Because, with my lack of effort, the only way romance is going to find itself into my life is through unanticipated events just like in the script of a cheesy Hollywood movie.

As your friend, please don’t make the same mistakes I have made. If romance is your goal, act like it and get out there and do something. Ask for that number or say yes to that date. Keep your eyes peeled for any subtle signals being sent your way. Don’t be like me and go about things like romance is the furthest thing from your mind.

Oh by the way, this discussion is spiritual. I believe the desire for romance is God-given and when we try to deny that desire, we go against something that God has ordained. Yes, I know you have been hurt before. Yes, I know you are tired of all the games that are being played. Yes, I know that you think you can do bad all by yourself. I know these things because I have also been hurt and played. But our pasts do not erase the purpose that God has for us. If nothing else, our hurts from yesterday should make us wiser and more sensitive to the blessing of romance God is trying to send our way. Let’s not miss that blessing because our negative past experiences has tricked us into thinking that romance is the furthest thing from our minds.

Hard To Believe

Many years ago, there was an anti-littering commercial that featured a Native American Indian with a tear running down his face standing in the midst of garbage that was thrown on the side of the road. I wonder if God feels the same emotions as the Native American depicted in the commercial when He looks at us.

He created us with the capacity to love and be loved, yet so many of us are doing without love. He declared that it is not good for us to be alone, but too many of us settle for doing bad all by ourselves. Instead of embracing each other as He desires for us; we would rather find reasons to go our separate ways.

We do not have to look far to see the emotional devastation that has seemingly overrun our Garden of Eden. People who long to be loved are spending too many nights crying themselves to sleep alone. Parents are spending unbelievably amounts of time separated from their children. Children are longing to have a missing parent take them to the softball game or to the ice cream parlor. Husbands and wives are choosing to break up that which God supposedly put together. All of these things result in a river of tears flowing from the eyes of God!!

I find it hard to believe that the way things are now is the way God intended for them to be. So, who got it wrong, us or God?

My prayer for all Christian singles is they will run toward love instead of away from it. I pray they will stop clinging to their fears as a way of trying to steer clear of being hurt. I hope they will take calculated risks to find Godly love in the form of romantic and platonic relationships. I ask God to help us all get off our high horses and re-learn the art of truly loving one another.

Why do I pray for these things? Because I find it hard to believe that God would have it any other way.

If It Ain’t Fixed, Don’t Break It

On one of the episodes of a popular tv show, a man became angry at his girlfriend because she overstepped her bounds (in his opinion) even though she was trying to be helpful. When he reacted negatively to her efforts, she was surprised and disappointed. Later when she discussed it with her girlfriends, they explained that she was not giving her man the space he needed.

In our singleness journeys, we all have good intentions. But sometimes, what we meant for good is really harmful. In our zeal to help and heal, we often go with our instincts about what needs to be done and we rush forward with our plan. Then we are shocked and angry when the person we are trying to help rejects our seemingly noble efforts.

Sad to say, but sometimes it is not enough to INTEND to do good when our actions create more problems than it solves. In cases like this, we are breaking something that wasn’t fixed.

One of the hardest things to get people to understand, single Christians included, is the tendency we all have to do what we think is right instead of what God knows is right. We often assume that our thoughts are in line with God’s intentions and thus, we rush forward with our blueprint for how to solve the problems that people are struggling with.

The challenge is for us to step outside of our self-interests, egos and narrow perspectives and wait on a word from the Lord. Yes, God can move more slowly than we would prefer, but He has a great sense of timing. So when someone comes to you with a broken heart or with dreams that have been dashed or feeling depressed because they lost their job or upset because a friend turned out to be a “hater”; stop and take a breath. Don’t do what you want to do. Listen for what God wants you to do. If we are honest with ourselves, we will be surprised to find out that our wants and God’s wants are two different things.

The last thing people in our lives that we care for need is for us to break something that is not fixed.

Housekeeping Item

From time to time, I will write something in my posts that you may feel strongly about, but you prefer to express your thoughts to me and not to the reading public. In that case, please email me at: goosykm@yahoo.com. In that email, you can really let me have it!

On the other hand, if you leave a comment on this blog; I may publish it for the sake of generating conversation among everyone.

I welcome your comments whether you agree or not with my writings. I believe that we all grow when there is open dialog about the themes covered in this blog.

Thanks to everyone who reads this blog and particularly to those who take the time to leave comments.

The Greater Risk

In reference to the publication of my new book, Songs of Singleness; one person said I was courageous. When I enquired what she meant by “courageous”; she replied that people might read my book and disagree with my thoughts or not like what I have to say.

For me, people disagreeing or not liking what I write is no big deal. When I write, whether it is in my books or in my blog, I don’t do so because I want people to agree with me. Instead, I write to help us all learn more and more about our spiritual journey. Besides, what I write is not purely my opinion. I have prayed over it and in many cases, I have researched it. I truly believe that what I am writing is inspired by God. From that perspective, if someone disagrees with the concepts behind my writings; they are disagreeing with the prime mover behind those words.

So as I see it, the greater risk is that people will not even take the time to read my book. For those who have the opportunity to read Songs of Singleness, but decide not to accept that opportunity; they risk missing out on divinely inspired words about their lives. Because of my concern for the potential readers of my book; I would rather have you disagree with parts of my writings then have you miss out on some things I sincerely believe God has given me to say.

We all have heard people refer to their efforts as “I am not just doing this to hear myself talk.” Well for me, I don’t write just to see my words on paper. The reason why I write is to help position people to receive all of the blessings that God has for them.

In our journey of singleness, let’s not get caught up in who didn’t cross their t’s or dot their i’s. I may say “po-tah-toe” while you say “po-tay-toe”. I may struggle with a certain temptation while you may struggle with something entirely different. The risk is not that we may judge each other’s “eye-specks”. Nope, the greater risk is we may stand in our own way and in the way of others which keeps all of us from being fully blessed like God wants us to be.

Like I said before, I’d rather you not see eye to eye with me, than you and/or I not be willing to hear what God is trying to say. Not taking proper advantage of the chance to grow from the lessons that God is sharing with us? Now that to me is the greater risk!

When The Lakers Lose

I am a big Los Angeles Lakers fan and have been since the days of Wilt “the stilt” Chamberlain, Gail Goodrich and Jerry West. I was elated to see they made it to the NBA championship, but not so excited by the end result. Yes, my Lakers lost!!

But I learned a little something about me in the process of suffering through the Lakers’ failure in the championship series. In the midst of my disappointment about how the Lakers’ season ended; I still had to get up in the mornings. Bills still had to be paid. My car still is in need of major repair. My website still needs to be developed. My marketing plan for my new book still needs to be implemented. The church newsletter I edit still needs to be distributed. I still need to express Godly love to people I encounter, including those who may not love me.

The point? Our singleness journey will encounter some disappointments. But, God still expects us to get up in the morning and do what we do. Yes, it is a bummer at times to not have a romantic partner or to not have enough friends or to struggle against feelings of loneliness or to battle sexual frustration. If you are human, then these challenges will occur every now and then. It is not being spiritual to act like these things do not exist and that you NEVER have any problems with them. Instead, our spiritual calling leads us to acknowledge them, deal with them and still get stuff done.

Oh poor me, the Lakers lost! Oh poor singles, today might be one of those bad singleness days! Well, I encourage all Christian singles to go ahead and get up and go about your business. Because of our relationship with God, there is a hope of deliverance from whatever is bugging you. Besides, like my disappointment with the Lakers’ demise, we hold on to the hope that there is always next year. And the good news is, because we serve a God that is eternal; there is blessed tomorrow awaiting us.

Walking Wounded

The other day I was talking with a lady that I had known for almost a year. She and I worked on an annual conference that is held at my church. The interesting thing about that conversation is that I found out she is married. She often spoke of her children, but never did she mention her husband until the other day. Unfortunately, her husband NEVER attends church with her or anywhere. She is one of the many women who faithfully attend church while their husbands faithfully stay away from the church.

Her life story is full of disappointments, frustrations, defeats and periodic bouts of loneliness and hopelessness. (She sounds single, doesn’t she? – smile) But sad to say, her story (which is not all bad) is not out of the ordinary. Many of us have stories we could tell about how we made it through that rough time in our lives or how we are currently facing a situation that we don’t know how we are going to overcome. But, most of us remain hopeful that God will once again come to the rescue.

This post is in tribute to the many walking wounded among us. Without knowing your stories; I commend you for still getting up every morning, doing well on your jobs, maintaining a decent grade average at school or continuing your faithfulness at the various church or civic groups you are a part of. There were days you wanted to pull the covers over your head and sit out that particular day. And if that person who specializes in working your last nerve had crossed your path on that day, well let’s just thank God that you are not what you used to be!

My prayer for all of the walking wounded out there is that you will master the art of taking life one step at a time. (You may not want to admit it, but all of us have been or will be walking wounded at some point in our lives.) If you can make just one more step, then maybe you will have the strength to make two. And before you know it, you will look back and wonder how you got over. But that really won’t be a secret, will it? You made it because of He who was wounded for our transgressions. By a living example, Jesus is showing that there is hope for the walking wounded. My prayer is that the efforts put forth by our Lord and Savior will not be wasted because we succumbed to our fears and egos.

If You Think I’m Sexy

I know many of you may not be familiar with the song by Rod Stewart where he says, “If you think I’m sexy……Come on sugar tell me so.” That song came out in the 70’s.

Anyway, sometimes in a false sense of piety, Christian singles try to deny what is obvious to themselves. If you won’t admit to it, then I will. Frequently, I will observe a woman I think is quite sexy. It could be her physicality or it might be due to some intangible quality. Does my recognition of a woman’s sexiness make me less of a Christian? Well, I hope not!!

As I mentioned in my previous post entitled, “Look at, Not For”, the problems with seeing the beauty that God has made in the form of other people have more to do with how we process that information. Upon seeing a sexy woman, do I indulge myself with sexual fantasies? Anytime we reduce someone to the role of just being a sexual tool for our pleasure; we deny them their humanity which is the very opposite of what single Christians should be doing.

The other day, a woman paid me a compliment about my looks and it was something I needed to hear at that time. How often do we miss out on opportunities to uplift people with compliments because we think it may be inappropriate? Just as we should be discreet in the compliments we give, we also need to be mindful of how we react to being complimented. For example, when the aforementioned woman complimented me, I didn’t try to turn that into a game of sexual hide and seek. I thanked her and smiled and we moved on to other things to talk about.

So, if you think someone is sexy or attractive or has very alluring features; I see nothing wrong with letting that person know. If necessary, you can “warn” them that your compliment is not a line or an opening move to get in their pants or steal their hearts. You are just acknowledging another one of God’s beautiful creations. Additionally, if you are the one being complimented, don’t immediately try to turn it into a romantic or sexual relationship. If that is meant to be, it will come in time.

I am convinced that God wants us to enjoy our singleness for as long as we are single. If being a Christian single mean denying that there are sexy and attractive people out there, then that would take away from some of the enjoyment of being single!! Just because I think someone is sexy doesn’t mean that I want to sleep with them or make them my girlfriend. Healthy relationships should be based on more than just that.

Now as the summer season approaches, let’s get out there and have some good Christian fun and see how many sexy people we can take notice of in our respective journeys of singleness.

I Can Do Bad All By Myself

“I can do bad all by myself” is a phrase that I believe is misguided. I understand the sentiment behind it which is the notion that it makes no sense to bring people into our lives that are going to mess things up. However, I believe this phrase also suggests a gross misunderstanding of human nature.

I believe God made us not with the capacity to know and do everything. Each day, we rely on others to help us accomplish our tasks and reach our goals. It is like God built into each one of us the need and the desire to work with and get along with other people. Otherwise without this “built-in” social urge; we would push everybody away and say, “Get out of my way. I will do it myself.”

But doing things by ourselves is not very Christian. Contrary to the high praise for individualism and independence; Christians place a higher value on service and love. We are not called to serve and love ourselves, but rather to love and serve others.

So when we say, “I can do bad all by myself” we are not speaking the whole truth. Yes, that “good for nothing” person can make your life a living hell. But the reality to consider is the decision process that caused you to allow that “bad” person into your life would still be there with or without the presence of the anti-hero/heroine. That same inner quality can cause much more damage in your life than any person with bad intentions can. In fact, it is the presence of other people (good or bad) that helps to lessen the impact of the faulty internal processes we all possess.

So the real truth is “I can (and most likely will) do WORSE all by myself." I can hear you saying, “Hey, you don’t understand how that man left me with 3 kids and no visible means of supporting myself” or “That gold digging woman took me for everything I owned and now I am looking at bankruptcy”. These and other terrible situations seem to suggest that without these scoundrels, life would have been much better than it has turned out to be. But we must also take into account that the same tendencies we have that allowed those people into our lives were there before the “bad” people came. Upon review of your life, you probably would have opened your heart or your house or your life to them sooner had not other people been in your life. Also, when all hell broke loose, it was other people who helped to soften the blow.

The point of this whole discussion is for us to embrace that part of us that drives us to get involved with others. Interacting with others is something that single Christians should do. It is taking the non-spiritual and easy way out to hide behind the myth that “I can do bad all by myself.” God is not calling us to “DO” bad; He expects us to “DO” good and the good we do is most effective when it includes others. Or put another way, we are more likely to do WORSE (and not just bad) if we are by ourselves.

How Ironic?

Sometimes God can use the smallest things to teach us and to enable us to help others.

About a month ago, the "check engine soon" light came on in my beat up old car. After shelling out some big bucks, I was told that I needed to have the engine replaced. But until I can come up with THAT kind of money, I could drive it. So since then, I have been feeling like I have been driving that car on borrowed time.

About two weeks ago, I was downtown paying a bill when a lady and her teenage son asked if I had jumper cables. To make a long story less long, I was able to help jump start her car.

Yesterday, one of my neighbors left her car lights on all night and she needed a jump and I was also able to get her car going.

To me, it just seemed ironic that my car which appears to be on its last legs was able to be the source of helping others with their car troubles.

But, isn't that one of the ways that God works? In our singleness, we will identify things (sometimes incorrectly) that we feel are not working. But God will provide opportunities for us to still be able to help others with that very thing which we feel is broken.

So whether it is a non-existing love life or seemingly endless nights of "no good loving" or a job whose paycheck is more like an insult or friends who have not been very friendly lately; be on the watch out for God to use you and those "broken" things in your life to help someone.

I really can't explain it, but for whatever reason; God sometimes allows us the opportunity to help others in the most ironic situations. I think part of the reason He does this is to help us not take our challenges too seriously. There are people besides ourselves who have stuff to deal with and we might as well be the ones to come to their rescue; regardless of how ironic the circumstances of our aid might be.

Looking At, Not For

There is a song that says the summer is "girl watching" time. I must admit that the summer heat, extended daytime hours and summer apparel presents many opportunities for people to admire the various aspects of beauty that God has blessed humankind with.

Undoubtedly, I am not the only "girl watcher" out there and there are also many of you who are "boy watchers". As single Christians, I think it is important to acknowledge that we appreciate the physical characteristics that match our individualized standards of attractiveness. For me, a woman's eyes, the shape of her nose and the length of her neck are a few of the things that get my attention. For you, it might by the broadness of his shoulders, his eyes or his soft looking lips that makes you take a second look.

That is okay. Let's continue to admire God's handiwork. However, let's not forget that the objects of our admiration are more than a well put together mass of bones, muscles and flesh with all the right parts in the right places and in the right proportion. Also, no one is ONLY here for the fulfillment of our selfish desires. Each person is a creation of God. Some just look real good!

If she looks good to me, let me also consider the opportunity that she may be a good spiritual and mental match for me. If I can just leave things at "She looks good" without reducing her to a starring role in my lustful fantasy, then I am just looking at her and not for her.

If he looks good to you, don't forget to factor in whether or not he will be a healthy and life-affirming complement for you. If you can admire his "fine self" without dreaming of having his babies or becoming his wife or his lover, then you have mastered the fine art of looking at him and not for him.

As tempting as it may be during this "girl and boy watching season", let's keep things in the proper perspective by learning to look AT and not look FOR the beautiful people we encounter. There is nothing wrong with recognizing the beauty that God has planted in His creations. We just have to make sure we don't lose our minds or spiritual integrity. We have to stay focussed on not letting our imaginations get out of hand.

Having said that; let's enjoy this summer of the watching season!!

Stop By Place

I am single and I am on top of the world!

If that is not how you feel today, then perhaps what you need is a STOP BY PLACE.

Put simply, a STOP BY PLACE is the location where our faith in God intersects with His love for us. The problem is not with God's love, but it is our faith. You see, what happens is because God is not as visible to us as Mr. or Miss Look So Good or our bank accounts or girlish or boyish figures or high powered social connections; we put more faith in these things than on God.

This simple post is just an encouragement for all Christian singles to pump up our faith muscles so that our STOP BY PLACE is as high and effective as possible. Because when our faith in God is high (and the love that God has for us is already high); we will have more days when we can truly say,

I am single and I am on top of the world!

Competing Desires

I believe it is in Psalms where the writer says, “One thing that I desire of the Lord and that I will seek after….” As Christian singles, we too share in that sentiment. We want to “dwell in the house of the Lord forever and ever”. What a wonderful thought! If we remained focused on that desire; our singleness would truly be blessed.

I can hear you say, “Hold it a minute there! My singleness is blessed, so whatever you are talking about does not apply to me.”

My response to that is it is natural to have “other” desires also. Yes, we KNOW that the Lord should be first in our lives, but every now and then, we allow other desires to creep into our hearts. If it has been a long time since someone has held us in their arms; we may DESIRE to be held. If life has been dealing you a particularly rough hand; your DESIRE may be for a sense of peace. If your physical and spiritual beauty has not been affirmed lately, you may DESIRE the appreciative glance of someone of the opposite sex. There is nothing wrong with having desires like these and others. It is my strong opinion that God was the ONE who gave us these desires. He made us so that we will go out of our way to relate to others as lovers, friends, family and associates. Otherwise, many of us would just throw up our hands and become islands unto ourselves.

When it comes to our desires, we can have them without them messing up our relationship to God. Let’s keep our desire for God first while we also acknowledge the other desires. Perhaps more important than having “other” desires is using spiritual discretion concerning to whom we express our desires.

As best we can, we should hang out with people of the same spiritual mindset. We may not be able to pick our family, but we can pick our lovers and friends. By picking the right kind of people to spend our time with; we will be better positioned to keep our “other” desires from competing with our desire for God.

When we allow otherwise “good” desires to become competing desires against our desire for God; we are the ones who lose out.