Real or Imagined

Being single, now that is real. Sometimes singleness is a good real thing and sometimes it is a bad real thing. But no doubt, it is REAL!!

What about God? Is He as real to us as our singleness? Or do we put God in a special imaginary place when the stuff hits the fan? What stuff, you say?

• Loneliness - Feelings of isolation can lead us to question if God really exists or if He really cares
• Sexual Temptation - When confronted with sexual desires, we often treat God like this is one of those things that He best not know about.
• Jealousy - Instead of praising God for the blessings He has granted other singles, we sometimes wonder why them and not us.
• Concern - Far too often, we are more concerned about our struggles to give a darn about what others are going through. Our plea is, "God, pay attention to me, not them!!"

In our interactions with each other, we declare whether or not God is real or imagined. If our singleness is real, why would we want to serve a God that is just a figment of our imagination?

Is This A Date?

Your response of “yes” to my suggestion that we go out has now left me with something else to ponder. I cannot help but wonder if I you are as unclear as I am about what our excursion means. It is so ironic that we both serve a God that knows everything, but yet you and I know so little. Are we afraid that our appointment is not just an outing, but also an opportunity? Fear of your answer keeps me from asking the obvious question that common sense is begging me to pose. Maybe you can see its shadow betraying my façade of self-confidence. Or perhaps you can hear a whisper of doubt causing a slight crack in my voice. Now that I think of it, you seem like there is something you want to ask me.

Now this is a crying shame that two grown folks like you and I cannot find the courage to ask such a question as, “Is this a date?”

Men, Say It Good!

One of the things that is becoming quite clear to me is that we men are not talking enough. To make a bad situation even worse, I think that most of the stuff we say is pretty much nonsense. A common complaint of women I speak with is that on matters of importance to them, men are largely silent. However, on matters that do not rank high on women's lists, men are talking too much!

Come on men, say something and say it GOOD!

We Christian single men need to let our Christian single women know what is on our minds. Whether they admit it or not, women are craving to hear something worthwhile come from our mouths. As the spiritual leaders that God has called us to be, we have the authority to speak many blessings on ourselves as well as on the social circles we operate in. God is looking to us Christian men to reveal His will to His people. Because of this Divine expectation, the world needs to hear what we have to say, but most importantly, so do our women.

Shout Out To The Tallahassee People!!

This past weekend (9/22-9/24), I had the opportunity to conduct a singles conference with a group of excited and engaging singles in Tallahassee, Florida. Just want to let you guys know that I truly appreciate your spirit and energy. (Actually, it was mostly "gals", but ain't nothing wrong with that from where I sit!!) We covered alot of stuff, but I hope that enough of what we discussed "sticks". Know that my prayers are with you as you continue on the road from singleness to blessedness.

Now stay in touch!

The New Singles Phenomenon

Did you know that there are more single people (26% of US population) in the United States than there are married people with children? (25%) (See “More Americans Than Ever Are Making The Most of Being Unmarried and Independent" by Pam Kelley in the Charlotte Observer on Feb. 9, 2004)

What are the implications of this fact? Below are several facts that I believe should draw the attention of Christian leaders and churches:

• If current trends continue, many people will enter their golden years without ever having been married.
• Given the absence of marriage many current singles will experience, the importance of platonic and non-romantic relationships becomes even more important. To replace the emotional support and nurturing usually provided by husbands and wives, what is the quality of our platonic relationships?
• Families, friends and churches will be taking on an increasing role in the support of elderly unmarried people. In the absence of this support, the government will be challenged to step in. Will the churches and the goverment appropriately respond to this call?
• Our churches will see its membership rolls to be comprised of more and more elderly never married people. Progressive churches will find ways to better minister to this growing population and these same churches will also find ways to benefit from this phenomenon.
• If the saying that two incomes are better than one holds true, a growing number of churches will see their tithing/offering income decline as the percentage of never married elderly people increases in these churches.
  

Each of the factors listed above can pose problems to be dealt with or opportunities to grow from for many local churches. For Christians everywhere, we have been given many gifts and talents and now is the time to apply them in turning this new singles phenomenon into blessings.

God would expect nothing less from us.

Technology And The Search For Love

In 2003, at least half of all singles in the U.S. visited an online dating site, spending over $300 million in the quest for love. (“For 5000 Singles, eHarmony Was The First Step Down The Aisle; Poll Revelas That 88% of Users Are Looking For Life Long Mate.” Business Wire, March 8, 2004)

Okay, I admit it; I have been tempted to try online dating services. But with my lack of success in the old fashioned way of dating and I am not alone in my unsuccessful dating experience, what does that say about the times we live in? We have so many more ways to connect with each other (phone, internet, cell phones, two-ways, text messaging, etc.), yet we seem to be less in touch. Is technology the answer?

Should Christian singles jump on the technology bandwagon?

What Kind Of Friend Are You?

What kind of friend are you? Many of us think we are great people to have as a friend. But is that really true? Below are some suggestions on how you can become a better friend to those you care about.

• Pray for people by name and pray for their specific situation.
• Take the time to be a better listener than you are a talker.
• Be someone that others can trust with their secrets.
• Call or email someone you have not made contact with in awhile. Your contact may make someone's day and uplift their spirits.
• Go out of your way to be considerate, even when it is inconvenient.
• Always try to be constructive, not destructive in your observations about people.
  Never entertain rumors about your friends.
• Put as much effort into building platonic friendships as many singles put into finding romantic partners.
• Surprise a friend by taking them out to dinner or offering to pay their way to a movie. Do it with no expectation of payback.
• Strive to achieve the kind of friendship that David and Jonathan (from the Bible) shared.

May 2006 be a year of great friendships for Christian singles everywhere.

Losing A Close Friend

I was just informed that a close friend of mine has just passed away. I have many thoughts running through my mind and I know that I will need time to fully process this.

Oddly enough, the first thought that comes to mind is to remind myself that her death is not about me. The reason for this thought is that as I reflect on the loss of my friend, I immediately began pondering what I will miss about her and the things I did not get to say to and do with her. But how selfish can I be? It is not about me. She was the one who spent the last three months in and out of the hospital. It was she who had to deal with the fact that her health took a turn for the worse over the Christmas holidays and she was kept from spending quality time with her family. She was the one who already lost a husband and now leaves behind children and many friends who cared very deeply for her.

How can I make her death about me?

Lord receive my friend and give her sweet rest from all of the pain and discomforts of this world. She worked tirelessly for others and even to death, she suffered in silence. Forgive me for dishonoring her memory by thinking about my loss and help me to better treasure the relationships I still have left to enjoy.

Loneliness Stops Here!!

A recent headline read, "New research shows that loneliness can add 30 points to a blood pressure reading for adults over the age of 50." Sounds kind of like Genesis 2:18, doesn't it? "It is not good that the man should be alone;...." (KJV) What both the news headline and the cited scripture seem to suggest is that prolonged feelings of loneliness are not good for our physical health.

As Christian singles, we should make it our responsibility to come to the aid of people we know who may be feeling lonely. How can we help to reduce the feelings of loneliness that people are experiencing?

• Be sincere in your concern for other people. Often people feel lonely because they feel that people really are not interested in their well-being.
• Take the time to have meaningful conversations with people. Sometimes all a lonely person needs is someone to engage him or her in a pleasant conversation.
• Greet everyone that you can as much as possible. Saying hello does not take alot of energy, but it can go along way toward brightening up someone's day.
• Spread genuine smiles. Genuine smiles are contagious. When people see you smile, they automatically feel the urge to smile themselves. Maybe that is all they need to feel less and less lonely. The more a person is surrounded by genuine smiles, the less lonely and depressed they will feel.
• Remember that we all have our moments of lonelieness. Look for signs that someone is having one of those days and do what you can to uplift them. Also, be open to allowing other people to uplift you when you ar down.
• Pray for people and their specific situations. Christian singles should believe in the power of prayer and their prayers should reflect their love for all of God's children.

Loneliness is not only a downer emotionally, it can have negative effects on our health. Let's do what we can to make sure those we know and those we care about are not doubly victimized by the loneliness in their lives.

Why Am I Still Single?

Why am I still single? Although irritating to hear at times, this seems like a reasonable question.

Am I single because God has called me to be single at this time? If so, my prayer is that I will grow in my understanding of how He wants me to use my singleness to bless others.

Or am I single because of some bad (or shall we say ill-advised) decisions in my life? For most of us singles, this is really the answer to the question of why are we still single. Here my prayer is that God will help me to grow in such a way that I will learn from my past and position myself to receive all of the blessings He has for me.

However you answer the question for you, there is an opportunity for you to get even more in tuned with what God's will is for you.

Because Of The Desires That YOU Have Given Me

Lord, you may be wondering why I keep making bad decisions and choosing the wrong people. Since I know that you already know what's up, I don't have to waste your time with a lot of excuses.

But here is the short answer. It is because of the desire that you have given me. I desire to be with someone special. I desire to not be alone (all the time). I desire to be the source of someone else's happiness just as she is the source of mine.

Do I blame you Lord? No, because you have also given me the capacity to express my desires in the right way so that neither I nor anyone else will get hurt. So, I understand that the frustrations I feel and the mistakes I make are my fault. But I wouldn't have these problems if YOU did not give me these desires in the first place.

Eating Out Alone

One of the small pleasures I enjoy on occasion is eating out at a restaurant by myself. I usually take a book with me and I dive into it as I devour some tasty choices from the menu. Every once in awhile I will catch other patrons (who are not by themselves) looking at me as if to figure out what my story is. I can only imagine what they are thinking. But, that is really not my concern, because I am getting caught up in the developing plot of my book.

I also enjoy going out to eat with others, particularly a woman I find interesting. But, I enjoy eating out alone as much. What I miss out on in conversations, I more than make up in seeing if the guy gets the girl or the detective solves the murder case or the main character learns a key life lesson before it is too late.

So, if you see me or someone else sitting in a restaurant alone with a book, don't feel sorry for me. Just ask if I have a good book.

KISS Me!

Why is it that when it comes to interacting with people, we tend to make things more difficult than they have to be? Maybe it is time to Keep It Simple Somebody!!

In my experience, I have found that people put too much work into trying to figure me out. Trust me, I am not really all that complicated. I am far from perfect and I am learning as I go along. I have too many things going on to waste time trying to mess up your gig. So, if by chance, I do something that you do not like, it probably was not on purpose. I have my hands full just trying to get my hustle on (in a good way) that I really do not have the time nor the energy to plan on messing up yours.

The best thing you can do if you really want to figure me out is talk to me. I can tell you what I am thinking and maybe even offer an explanation behind my actions. I try to be pretty candid, so you can be comfortable that I am telling you the truth as I know it. Finally, do not ignore what I am trying to say and come up with your psychological and personality profile about me. I cannot tell you the number of times people have been way off the mark when they have done that.

When it comes to getting to know me, it really should not be all that difficult. In fact, may I suggest you K.I.S.S. me?

We Bad, Ain't We?

There is a commercial that has the tag line: Life comes at you fast. That is so true isn't it? If you are not on top of your game, it will either leave you behind or run you over.

Christian singles too must be vigilant against the dangers poised by a life that comes at us too fast.

• How many romantic opportunities have we missed that would have fulfilled our dreams? Far too often, we let things like fear or impatience keep us from what God has for us.
• How many platonic friends are no better off in their spiritual walk because we are not heeding the Divine call to uplift them? It is sad to say that many of us add to the miseries of life instead of doing the things we can to ease the pain of others.
• How effective are we in matching our spoken words with our actions? Sure we claim to be Christians who are single, but is our behavior any different (and better) than non-Christians?

Watch out, here comes life barreling down on you again! Now is not the time to wimp out. We have blessings to receive and Divine favors to share with others.

Remember, with God all things are possible and through Him we have the victory. With God on our side, that means "WE Bad, Ain't We?" Or are we just fooling ourselves?

Which Song Are You Today?

Everyday, the way we handle the circumstances that make up our lives gives off a melody. On our so-called good days, our song is upbeat and catching. On our so-called bad days, our music is depressing. Sometimes our songs are slow and moody and at other times, it is fast-paced and invigorating.

As a Christian single, what is your song today? The more we can grow in our relationship with God, the more positive and hopeful the melodies will be that we give off. Romantic partners come and go and friends are here today and gone tomorrow. Paychecks seem like they are never enough and trouble in some form or fashion always seems to be at hand. But we are the authors of our own tunes. In moments of spiritual laziness, we abdicate our responsibility to write our own beautiful songs.

May we come to understand the capacity for writing beautiful music that God has given each of us in spite of our circumstances. May we Christian singles express our praise and gratitude to Him that will be sweet music to His ears and a pleasant sound for all to hear.

Seriously! I Do Care For You!

Is it just me or do we tend to not take each other seriously when we say that we care?

The other day, I saw a friend who was sick and who I have not seen in a long time. I told her how glad I was to see her and that I was worried about her. But somehow, I really do not think she fully grasped how deeply I am concerned for her. Apparently, my words were inadequate to convey the true depth of my platonic affection.

Why do we not take each other seriously when it comes to expressions of care? My guess is that most of the time when we ask, "How are you doing?", it is done more out of polite habit than from a deep reservoir of concern. Are we Christian singles not genuine enough in the love that we should be sharing with each other? If not, maybe people are so used to us just talking about loving each other, but not really expressing true love.

For me, I have to do a better job of letting people I care about know that I really do care about them. Some suggestions for me to achieve this are:

• Tell people how much I care for them whenever the opportunity presents itself.
• Demonstate my concern through random acts of kindness as often as possible.
• Listen more and talk less when people are talking about their challenges.
• Resist the urge to ONLY help people when it is convenient.
• Let people see me expressing concern for others so they will be more apt to believe me when I say that I care for them.
• Practice expressing genuine love for those people who act "unlovable" to me.

These are but a few of many possible suggestions I will try to put into action everyday. This world is so full of hatred and meaness, that I hope to be part of a new genuine love revolution. Lord knows we all could use some more true affection in our lives.

I pray that you will also become more committed to show genuine concern to others.

Let's get out there and love somebody!!

Hopeful Singleness

So, how's your singleness going?

We are tempted to compare our experiences with others and then make a judgement. But, let's not do that today. On its own, how is your singleness today?

For Christian singles, we have something very special that other people do not. In short, we have hope. However good your singleness is going now, it can be so much better. However bad your singleness is going now, it does not always have to be that way.

Our hope rests in the uplifting promises of our Heavenly Father. But we have a part to play in fulfilling the hopefullness we possess. God will do his part, but will we do ours?

• Do we conduct ourselves in such a way that people are glad to see us coming their way or do people cringe at our appearance?
• Do we really listen when someone needs to talk or do we spend more time talking and trying to make ourselves the center of attention?
• When was the last time you sent an email or made a phone call just to encourage someone?
• Do you take more pride in being a "playa" than in being a trustworthy romantic partner?
• What takes up the bulk of your prayer time, you and your problems or your concern for others' challenges?
• Do you act as if people should just "deal with it" when it comes to your shortfalls or are you working on becoming a better friend, girl/boyfriend, co-worker, sibling or family member?

As you ponder how your singleness is going, make sure you are doing what you can to make the singleness experiences of others more enriching.

Just Quiet, That's All

I consider myself to be a quiet person most of the time. I joke around and I can be long-winded on occasion. But for the most part, I am just quiet, that's all.

I make a habit of greeting people everywhere I go, but I may not have much else to say after that. If by chance you want to talk to me, then say something. When it comes to holding conversations, if you start it, I will do my best to continue it. But if you don't say anything and I don't say anything, don't put all of the blame on me.

If I am quiet around you, it probably does not have anything to do with you. I am not mad at you, nor afraid nor intimidated. I am just quiet, that's all. I may be deep in thought or I could be running through a series of random thoughts. My quietness is not a signal that I am pondering profound subjects. It is not a clue that maybe I am a little depressed.

It is not necessarily any of those things. Trust me, let's not make this too complicated. I am just quiet, that's all.

The Lines Are Your Friends!

While driving to work this morning, I was wondering how is it that so many cars can be moving at such high speeds within inches of each other and not collide? As it turns out, there are two types of lines in play here. First and most obvious are the lines on the highway that mark the lanes. Whatever lane you find yourself in, you know that you must be cautious when changing lanes. In my experience, it is often better to just stay in the lane I am in rather than try to achieve some advantage by switching to another lane.

The second less obvious lines are those lines that I will call self-interest. It is in your best interest not to collide with the other cars around you. You might get hurt or you might harm someone else. Then you have to deal with the "hassle" of attending to someone's pain, yours or the other person's.

In our Christian singleness journey, we must remember that the lines are our friends. We have the Holy Spirit that lets us know which lane we are in and how to proceed cautiously if we need to switch lanes. We have also been blessed with the gift of self-interest. But self-interest can be a mixed blessing, not because that is how God intended it. Rather, the lack of clarity of self-interest lies in our misuing it. Sometimes we elevate our self-interest over the interests of others. Spiritually based self-interest looks at the needs of the community and not at just the needs of the individual. It is not what works for ME, but what works for US. The abuse of self-interest leads us to break our romantic partner's heart, lie about and to our friends, backstab those who are close to us and not help others when they are in need. Christian singles ought to be better than that.

Stay in the lines! The lines are your friends! Let the Holy Spirit guide you and be sure to adopt a posture of spiritually based self-interest. It is better to get where you are going safely than cross the lines and collide with other people because that could lead to a little something that people have labeled ROAD RAGE.

Missed Opportunities

My prayer for you is that you will recognize the ways God is blessing you in response to your prayers. Far too often, we Christian singles get distracted or give in to our impatience and we miss the very things God is trying to favor us with. Life is hard enough without us messing things up by getting in God's way.

Today let's make a point of not having to suffer through any more missed opportunities.

Love: Why Bother?

If you have ever been in love and had your heart broken, you may have asked yourself, "Why bother with love?". As Christian singles, we have to be careful that we do not attempt to address that question in the same manner as the world. We need to use a different, more spiritual approach. In my opinion, here are some reasons why we should bother with love.

• God risked getting His heart broken by CHOOSING to love us. - It is important to note that God chose love. He did not fall in love against His own will. He was not forced to love us. He did not choose love as the lesser of some evils. He considered the risks and still selected love.
• God has given us the capacity to love - Love is an essential part of our being. As infants, our lives can be significantly affected in a variety of negative ways if we perceive that we are not receiving love. As we grow older, the need for love is just as strong and the adverse consequences of not being loved is still prevalent. We need TO BE loved and we also have a need TO love.
• God has also given us the desire to love - Without this desire, love at times would be like the brussel sprouts or asparagus we warily include as part of our meals. We know we need them, but we do not like eating them. In essence, we would have to force ourselves to love. But God in His wisdom made it so that we WANT to love. Our desire to love at times causes us to put up with the madness that sometimes accompanies it, but hopefully we will wisely assess the risks and prudently recognize when love is worth the trouble.
• God knows that love is good for us - When love is right, life is so good!! Love makes us healthier physically and mentally. It helps us to be the best we can be. It motivates us to help others be their best. It builds strong bonds between people and conditions us to build lasting and supportive relationships.
  

Love is worth whatever trouble or challenges it brings. Whether we are talking about loving our romantic partners, members of our families, our friends, co-workers or even just our neighbors, Christian singles should make every effort to do as God has done which is to love others unconditionally. Yes, it can be a hassle, but if it was worth it for God to love, who are we to say that it is not?

God Is, So What's Next

There is a song that includes the words:

"God is the joy and the strength of my life"
"He promised to keep me, never to leave me"
"God is my all and all."

What a great awareness to recognize what should already be obvious. Okay, so God is. What's next? What does God's existence have to do with you?

• Are you a better person because of God's existence?
• Have you stopped doing those things you used to do because He lives?
• Are you better able to forgive those who have wronged you because of your understanding of the "isness" of God?
• Does your knowledge of God allow you to sincerely apologize to someone when you have messed up?
• Are other people better off because of the reality of God in your heart?

Unless the fact that "God is" has a positive effect on you, on your singleness and on the people you interact with, the existence of God is an empty philosophical concept. Each day we have the opportunity to affirm the reality of a living sovereign God by the way we live. In fact, through our behaviors and the ways we treat people, we answer the question, "God is, so what is next?"

My Prayer For YOU

This post is for you. Yes you! If you and I have ever spoken, then it is a good chance that I have prayed for you by name. And the more I know about your situation, the more likely it is that your name was lifted up to our Heavenly Father. Isn't that what Christian singles should do for each other?

In most cases, I believe it is best to just pray for someone without running and telling them what I am doing. Most of the time, I do not see any value in saying to someone, "Hey, I prayed for you." To me, it is enough that I prayed for you and I leave it to God to tell you what He wants you to know.

Don't worry, when I prayed for you, I did not get into any specifics. The request I made to God was that His plans and desires for you will be fulfilled in your life. If I tried to get any more specific than that, I may ask for something on your behalf that you really do not need nor want. I believe the act of raising your name to God is enough to bring His favor on you. Also, I do not want God to grant you what I want for you (which might be misguided), but what He wants for you (which always is the right thing for you.)

You First, Me Second

I make it a habit of praying for others before I pray for myself. For me, I trust that God will provide for my needs, particularly if I am concentrating on praying for others. Beside, as I am praying for you by name, I hope that you are doing the same for me. Once I have finished bringing your concerns to our Heaven Father, I try to slip in a few of my own requests.

But for the most part, my prayer is more about you then it is about me.Be comforted to know that someone is out there lifting your name before the God of all creation and the provider of all good things. Be encouraged to know that your situation was not just mixed in among a multitude of my personal requests. Take joy in knowing that when I prayed for you, it was you first, me second.

Your Choice?

So why do I think the statement "I choose to be alone" is misguided? I think it is misguided because it reflects your vantage point and ignores my situation. In our relationships and interactions with each other, we often look at things through our own eyes. But the true nature of a healthy relationship is to adopt the other person's perspective. As irrational as a person's behavior may seem to us, there was a process that led that person to view their behavior as appropriate given the factors they processed. In short, what they did made sense to them.

What does that have to do with the subject for today? We all are a combination of fears, hopes, vulnerabilities, dreams, emotional sore spots, strengths and weaknesses. These things affect us in varying degrees throughout our lives. The interplay of these characteristics makes us process situations in a manner that "MAKES SENSE" in light of what is going on inside of us. So sometimes, we miss signals or we misinterpret actions or we don't respond like others think we should. So in essence, we CHOOSE the action, but not necessarily the outcome.

Do I choose to be alone? No, that is an outcome of my actions that I may not have properly anticipated. Do I choose my behavior? Most certainly. Hopefully, as I continue to mature, I will get better at matching my behavior and decisions with my desired outcomes. But being human, I sometimes miss the mark or make miscalculations.

For Christian singles, we have the guidance of the Holy Spirit to help us better understand the connection between the choices we make and the outcomes that flow from them. Also as Christian singles, that same Holy Spirit can help guide us in guiding others in properly matching their decisions with results.

Now in the larger scheme of things, relying on the Holy Spirt; that really makes sense!

My Choice

People have said that I am alone because I choose to be alone. What in the world does that mean? That statement assumes two things:

• I have alternatives to select from.
• I am aware of those alternatives.

I guess a third assumption would be that I chose the option to be alone over the option to not be alone. But do we really CHOOSE to be alone?

For me, it is not always apparent what the so-called alternatives are that are available to me. Is that my fault? I should not be held responsible for not being able to read people's minds or properly interpret their signals. Bottom line, if you are interested in me, don't assume that your message is coming along across very clearly. Because of the combination of my personality traits, my experiences and my current outlook on life, what is OBVIOUS to you, may not be obvious to me.

When people say I choose to be alone, I think what they mean to say is that I am too picky. By being too picky, I think they mean that I have potential mates or partners that would make me happy, but I am focussed on the wrong things. My response to that is two-fold:

1. People have tried to tell me before who would be perfect for me and they were terribly wrong.
2. I have been in enough relationships to have a clue or hint of what would make me happy.
   

So what others may call picky, I call being smart enough to not waste somebody's time who is not going to make me happy.

In my next post, I will discuss a viable alternative statement to "You CHOOSE to be alone."