Too Picky?

Do you have a friend or family member that you view as too picky when it comes to their dating activities? Or maybe others have said that about you?

As a single Christian and as someone who is concerned for this person, what would you tell them?

An Abundant Life?

At a meeting tonight, I had the opportunity to take a life balance wheel test that measures a person's view of his or her life based on 8 factors: Spiritual life, marriage and family, vision for the future, social life, hobbies, physical condition and emotional/intellectual development. Based on answers I provided to questions under each of the above categories; I actually measured well on spiritual life, emotional/intellectual development, hobbies and vision for the future. However, I scored poorly on marriage and family and social life. Upon reflection, I am not surprised at my high and low scores.

In general, the areas I scored high were areas where the values/activity being examined were more of an intrinsic nature. My spirituality, my vision for my future, my hobbies and my emotional/intellectual development are all areas where I exercise a great measure of control. For example, being a writer is something I do in solitude.

But here is the main focus of this post. For me, I have a very noticeable imbalance when it comes to my social and family life. When Christ talked about an abundant life, I am sure He included not only one's spirituality, emotional development and hobbies. Surely He must have factored in one's relationships with family members, friends and associates. As a Christian single, I must examine why I am experiencing a disproportionate level of success in the "intrinsic" areas of my life and not with the "extrinsic" areas.

In short, why are my relationships not as "good" as my internal traits? Part of being a Christian is being able to be honest with oneself and accept responsibility for the way things are going in my life. With the Holy Spirit's guidance, I should be able to become more like what God has envisioned for me to become. You may ask, "What does God have to do with a person's relationship with family, friends and associates?" I believe He wants us to have fulfilling lives and our social lives are a major contributor to that. Thankfully, He not only wants that, but He provides guidance on how we can achieve a fulfilled life.

So Lord, thank you for allowing me grow closer to you and for the talents and abilities you have allowed me to acquire. I thank you for your keeping power that kept me from falling off the deep end emotionally and intellectually. Now Lord, help me to grow in the realization of a healthy and productive social life.

As I pray this prayer for me, I also pray that you will allow God to strengthen you where you are weak and build you up where you are torn down. Let's all remain open to the great things God is trying to teach us.

That Ain't Love, Is It?

Is it just me or does it seem to be harder to love people when they don't recognize your love? I don't mean they have to love me in kind, but at least acknowledge it for what it is. Instead, people often taint the pure love we give with the stench of impure motives. They say things like:

• He must be showing me love so he can get in my pants.
• She must be showing me love so she can get something she wants.
• They must be showing me love because they feel guilty about something.

Well, maybe they are showing you love because they LOVE you!! Contrary to what popular culture says, love is not blind. So, Christian singles should not also be blind. As children of God, we should expect love and accept love and not stoop to trying to transform love from others into something other than love.

Having said that, we can be discerning. We don't have to fall for the next line or get sucked up by the manipulative games that people play. But we have to let go of our egos so that we can properly recognize love when it exists and properly handle it.

As givers of pure love, we need to insure that it is indeed pure and not tainted with our selfish and secrets motivations. Are we being nice to that person because that is the right thing to do or are we harboring hidden intentions? And when people question our motives, we have to love them past their suspicions. That is no easy task, but that comes along with our job descriptions as Christians.

In short, let's make up our minds (and our hearts) that we will love others at all costs and we will also recognize love when others are trying to share it with us. We will trust God enough that He will provide people in our lives that can give and receive love and thus, we will not be "overly" surpised when He comes through. Yes that person may be nice to you because he or she loves you. Maybe that is someone God sent to you to be a good friend or maybe even a romantic partner. We must caution ourselves to make sure we make the right call: friend or lover. But if we learn to put our trust in God into action, how can we go wrong?

No Thanks Lord!

Love is a gift from God. It doesn't matter how that love is expressed. Whether it is to a romantic partner or to a friend or to all of mankind; the "know how" to love is divinely given. It is important to note that God is not some mushy emotional puppeteer that likes to see us pursue love only to laugh at us when our hearts are broken. Rather, God is very realistic in the benefits and possibilities of love. But instead of embracing the gift of love, many single Christians say, "No thanks, Lord".

Most of us are born with the desire to love and be loved, but as we get older, grayer, heavier and whatever other "er" is out there, we allow the divine capacity to love to recede further and further into our attic of unused possessions. Well the good news is that it is spring cleaning time! Now I know that nobody in his or her right mind enthusiastically looks forward to going up in that dusty and dark attic to paw through old stuff. But from a spiritual standpoint; it is a good thing to dig through all of that old stuff and shake the moth balls out and REMEMBER. Surely we remember don't we? (See "Surely We Remember" on May 24).

The easier thing to do is to lock the door to the attic and move on to other rooms in the house. Instead of spring cleaning, we could go into the kitchen and get something to eat or go into the den and zone out in front of the tv or the bedroom and just go to sleep. But not only is the mind a terrible thing to waste; so is the heart! So let's stop making up excuses and get up in that attic and bring down that box of love that we tried to hide away. The kingdom of God does not need anymore spiritual couch potatoes!

God gave us the gift of love to make us better and to help bless others. When we avoid love, we go against the divine order of things. So he takes it as a personal offense when we say, "No thanks, Lord".

Life without the expectation of love is not living life to the fullest. I wonder if given the choice for us, which would God choose? A so-so life with most of the good stuff residing in our attics unused or a fulfilled life with good ole reliable love being given new life. I pray that you will see the blessings and not the curses of love which is a gift that God granted to us so long ago. I pray that your response to this good gift will not be; "No thanks, Lord."

Do Not Give Up On Love

You are sick and tired of being sick and tired. It seems like every time you open up your heart to someone, they take that as an invitation to stomp on your feelings. Against your own advice, you have given love multiple chances, but so far, all you have received for your trouble is nothing but heartache. you

And then here I come bopping along telling you to not give up on love. Have I lost my ever loving mind? Do I see "sucker" or "fool for love" written on your forehead?

For those of you reading this blog; I want you to experience a sense of joy and fulfillment. Without love, your chance of achieving these two positive emotional states will be difficult to attain. So, here is my "argument" for why you should not give up on love.

• Love is the “juice” that God CHOSE to use as the basis of His interaction with us. The key here is the word “chose”. God did not have to love us, but He did anyway.
• It is God’s love for us that keeps Him from giving us what we deserve. Let’s face it, we have given God enough opportunities for Him to say, “That’s it. He or she is not going to get this right. Off with their heads!!”
• God wants, actually commands us to CHOOSE to love each other. We go against His will when we choose to dominate, manipulate, coerce, abuse or humiliate those with whom we are interacting. (This includes those we feel “deserve” to be unloved, including our enemies.)
• The highest expression of love is between a man and a woman partly because they CHOOSE to love each other. This act of CHOOSING to love each other sows the seeds of physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy that should also result in spiritual growth.
• We were made to give and receive (romantic) love and most of us feel empty or sad or restless or antsy at times when we go extended periods of time without it.

There are probably additional "arguments" I can make, but I should not have to work that hard to convince Christian singles that love is worth the trouble that often accompanies it. Yes, I know you are tired of being played like a piano in the name of love. I feel you when you say that you have cried your last tear. But to give up on love is to throw away your trust in God that He can and will give you the desires of your heart. Is God able to keep you from falling out of and away from the possibility of love? For true that!! For the blessings that God has in store for you and for those He is calling you to be a blessing, keep your faith in Him and whatever else you do: DON'T GIVE UP ON LOVE.

Surely We Remember

Every once in a while; we develop a temporary dose of amnesia. We encounter a moment of indecision or we feel another pity party coming on or someone treats us in a way we feel that we don’t deserve and that causes us to temporarily “lose it”. In our minds, we know the spiritual way to respond to these situations, but something about that particular period of time leads us to go against our spiritual instincts.

• We have been living a life of sexual morality, but something about this particular time caused us to fall.
• We have been doing the whole “loving our enemies” thing, but something about that person led us to “go off”.
• We have been paying our tithes consistently, but something about that pair of shoes or that big screen tv made us spend money unwisely.
• We have been consistently praying, but something about how our days have been going lately made us conveniently “forget” to pray during our normal prayer time.
• We have been basking in the glow of God’s faithfulness and providence, but something about this particular challenge caused us to question if He is able to deliver.

These and other instances of doing something that we should not do are examples of how we can experience spiritual amnesia.

When that sea of forgetfulness approaches, what can Christian singles do? There is a gospel song where the listener is urged to reach beyond the break. What this means is that we need to focus not on the problem but on the solution. But what about those times when we don’t know what the solution is? We can still steer our attention away from the problem and look to God.

But what exactly does “look to God” mean? First, accept your own limitation. That should not be difficult since we know that we can’t do it all or fix everything. Secondly (and perhaps more importantly); looking to God means sincerely acknowledging that He is in control. But that acknowledgment should not stop there. The next step is to acknowledge that God is also involved. That’s the most wonderful thing here. God is not only in control, but He is also in the mix.

So, let’s not be too hard on ourselves. We are human and we are vulnerable to falling down. The key is to not wallow in self-guilt but to admit our responsibility and vow to move forward. Whether it is succumbing to sexual temptation, not paying our tithes, not praying, not loving our enemies, not trusting God or whatever is the temporary moment of spiritual amnesia; we must take solace in the reality that God is constantly empowering us to become more like He has envisioned us to become. If we look back and see with our spiritual eyes, we will recognize that God has been working on our case each step along the way. If we are honest with ourselves, when it comes to God being true to His promises; we will have to admit that SURELY WE REMEMBER.

Do you think men and women can be just friends?

This post is in response to a question that was asked. Just so everyone will know, when you comment anonymously, I have no way to respond privately to you. All I can do is respond through this blog. As for the person who left this question, I hope I adequately address it.

To set up my response to your question, let me share a few thoughts on the relationship between a husband and wife. If I were married, I would want my relationship with my wife to be "everything". That is, I would want to be her best friend, her confidante, her shoulder to cry on, her defender, her supporter, her biggest cheerleader, her lover, her keeper of secrets and so on. Ideally, our relationship would be so comprehensive that she would not NEED another friend or lover or confidante or so on. That does not mean I don't want her to have other friends, but those relationships would only augment the main relationship I hope she would have with me, her husband.

In your post, you mentioned that the men you are friends with are both in unhappy marriages. That is an important fact that you must be mindful of. I suspect that you enjoy the company of these men even though you are not "dating" them. But you must be careful that you not become the refuge for these men as they seek temporary or permanent escape from their unhappy marriages. It is natural for two people of the opposite sex who enjoy each other's company to wonder what a romantic relationship with that person would be like. So even with the best of your intentions, you may be putting yourself in a tricky situation.

Do I think men and women can be just friends? Yes. But it takes incredible discipline. I have two females that I am very good friends with, but we all must be vigilant against crossing the line. Again, it is natural for men and women who are friends to at least wonder if they should be more than friends.

A better question might be: Can a single (unmarried) person be friends with a married person of the opposite sex? Technically I guess it is possible, but I would suggest avoiding those kinds of friendships. In your case, the one wife is uncomfortable with your friendship with her husband and the other wife you are not sure about. It is natural for a spouse to be wary of friendships his or her marriage partner has with someone of the opposite sex. (It is sad that with all this down low stuff going on, people also have to be wary of same sex friendships.)

I know this may not be fair to you and it may also go beyond what you were asking, but my advice to you is to distance yourself from these friendships with these married men. Not because of anything you are doing wrong, but because of the possibility of things getting out of hand. I know you have no intention of dating these men, but their marriage can become even more unhappy even without you acting inappropriately. In short, the wives will be suspicious and they will question their husbands and that exchange (argument?) alone could cause further damage to the marriage.

Let me know what you think of my response. If you prefer to not have your situation discussed in public through this blog, email me at: goosykm@yahoo.com.

Just Listen

While watching the black and white move, “Wife Versus Secretary” starring Clark Gable and Jean Harlow, the following thoughts concerning our singleness came to mind.

First of all, here is a brief summary of the plot. A successful businessman (played by Clark Gable) who is married has a beautiful secretary (played by Jean Harlow). Everyone thinks the businessman and the secretary have an affair going on, but their relationship is strictly about business and is quite honorable. Neither the husband nor the secretary will listen to the subtle and not so subtle comments friends, family and associates keep making about their supposed love relationship. They in essence blow people off and keep on as if nothing is going on. And they ignore the impending havoc that is being wreaked on both of their relationships (the husband and his wife and the secretary and her boyfriend.)

As I was watching this movie, I kept asking myself why they won’t listen. But not listening is not so far fetched in our lives, is it? Whether we are referring to our platonic or our romantic relationships; sometimes we get so caught up in what we are doing that we don’t listen to others who are trying to make us aware of something. Sometimes we have to say to ourselves the same thing I was saying to the Clark Gable’s and Jean Harlow’s characters: Just listen!

My prayer is that Christian singles will not see their romantic or platonic relationships destroyed because they would not pay attention. What a tragedy it would be if they worked so hard and struggled so long to finally develop a relationship that is so special only to have it destroyed because they became so lost in the forest of their own desires and egos that they missed the trees. In this posting, the trees represent those unique, but special things that make our relationships treasured.

So save yourself some pain and frustration and take this advice; Just listen!

Hungery

I noticed a man on the side of the road with a sign with the word “Hungery” written on it. Obviously, he meant to use the word "hungry" and he was expressing a problem that he wanted others to help him solve. It did not take me long to realize the message he was trying to convey even though he used an incorrectly spelled word.

When people come to us for help, it is unfortunate that we often let the spirit behind the message slip by us because of how the message is delivered. Sometimes, we choose not to do good because the person asking the favor of us did not seem humble enough or appreciative enough or respectful enough. Sometimes, we refuse to help others because we don’t agree or like something they did last week. Sometimes we won’t even pray for certain people because we think they are “unworthy” of our prayers. These and other actions are examples of how we focus on the spelling of the words on the sign instead of the meaning behind the word(s).

Put bluntly, Christian singles should be better than that. When Christ said the last shall be first and the meek shall be uplifted, how do you think this massive transformation was going to take place? Many of us think that God will blink His eyes and magically, the poor will be made rich and the lowly will be brought elevated. If that is the case, then what are Christians here for? I hate to bust your bubble, but we are being called to be God’s transforming agents. As a result of our relationship to God, the sad should be made happy, the defeated should experience the thrill of victory, the unloved should feel true love and the desperate should begin to live a life of hope.

Let’s not let a few misspelled words keep us from promoting THE word from on high. Sometimes we get so beaten up by the worst of what the world has to offer that we don’t always dot our I’s and cross our t’s. But even through our slurred speech, mispronounced words or poor grammar, we still expect God to bless us. So we should expect nothing less in our opportunities to help others. If we keep allowing the bungled messages to prevent us from living up to our spiritual mandate to be a blessing to others, then we have some "splaining" to do!

Accepting the Risk of Heartache

Have you ever had your heart broken? No feeling compares to the “kick in your gut, can’t breathe, leave me alone, don’t want to be bothered” depression that paralyzes and drains you. When you are going through it, you wonder if this is worse than death. If given the choice, you would prefer an ear ache, toothache, and a headache. At least with those things, you can take two aspirins and call someone in the morning. But heartache? Who in their right mind would choose such a thing?

Well, I have some bad news for you. If you are a Christian single, then you have to be willing to experience heartache. I can hear you asking, “Where in the Bible does it say that?” Good question. But hear me out. There is no verse that says, “Thou shalt choose heartache.” But we are to live according to the spiritual principles of loving others as we love ourselves, loving our enemies, forgiving those who mistreat us and trusting in God.

What do all of these things have to do with getting our hearts broken? Another good question! All of these things give guidance on how we can build relationships, including those of a romantic nature. As they relate to our interactions with the objects of our affection; the emphasis is on maintaining and building our relationships. I know many of you would rather cut the brotha or sista loose that seems determined to break your heart, but let’s remember the example that God set as He dealt with us.

When He made us, He had to know that we could reject His love. But thankfully, He chose to love us anyhow. He also had to know in order for us to have our relationship with Him restored; He would have to send His son to pay the ultimate sacrifice. He could have saved Himself a lot of heartache back in the beginning if He chose not to love us. But with all that He knew and could foresee; God still made the decision to love us. Finally, when having a positive relationship with God was the furthest thing from our minds; He patiently loved us past our blindness. His love finally wore us down and we came to our spiritual senses. But how much heartache did God endure while He waited for us to eventually accept His love?

God expects us to show the same kind of love to others that He showed to us. Just like He opened Himself to the possibility of heartache; we must show the same strength in being willing to risk the pain of having our hearts broken. Love is a gamble and at times it seems like life would be much simpler if we closed our hearts to all romantic possibilities. But that would be so un-Christian. Call me a fool, but if given the choice of:

The possibility of finding true love but that leaves me open to having my heart broken (option 1)

or

Protect my heart by against heartache by shutting off all possibilities of experiencing the blissfulness of love; (option 2)

I WILL ACCEPT THE RISK OF HEARTACHE (option 1).