That’s My Momma!

Much has been written of the plight and struggles of single mothers. There are some who look with condemnation at the existence of mothers who are raising children without the benefit of a marriage partner. Often, these same people will use these single mothers as poster board material for what is wrong with the American family. Others take a less condescending view of single motherhood. These people express more sympathy than outrage at these women who have to play the dual role of mommy and daddy.

As I look around at my friends and associates, I understand that I am part of an increasingly rare group. My 5 siblings and I grew up in a two-parent household. Raising 6 children who each had their own personality traits and quirks is no easy feat. Of the six children, 5 of them were born in successive years, so that amounted to a lot of diapers, vaccination shots, running noses and discipline challenges that occurred at the same time. My youngest brother, who was born 4 years after child number five was born deaf, so my parents had the added challenge of raising a “special needs” child. In the midst of hand me downs, tattle-tales, crowded bedrooms, competition for access to the only bathroom in the house and daily races to see who will get the last biscuit, my siblings and I had what I would say was a relatively normal childhood. The rarity of our experiences had to do with one simple, but powerful fact. My father came home every night and there was never a period of time when our mother or her children had to wonder where daddy was. We never had to explain why he was staying with someone else on the other side of town nor did we have to make up lies to explain his extended absences. Unfortunately, that is a picture of the American family that is quickly fading from our view of what is normal.

Long after all six children were grown and living elsewhere, my father passed away. It never dawned on me until recently that by definition; my mother became a single mother when my father died. I suppose that I like many of you traditionally view a single mother as someone who is actively raising young children. I also must admit that I tended to define my mother as just that, a mother. Not a woman with sexual desires and needs. Not a person who felt lonely at times. Not a woman who had dreams that were deferred and even denied for the sake of her family. No, she’s just momma.

But even though all of her children are grown (and like the old folks used to say) “smelling ourselves”, mom still had to negotiate the different and sometimes competing personalities of her children, the extended periods of no phone calls while sometimes withstanding the onslaughts of blame that supposedly grown children hurl at the mom for the “sins” of the father, the man she was married to. She still worried about us as much if not more as when we called ourselves sneaking in at night after curfew. She still defended us against the harsh judgments of the world or even from fellow siblings and extended family. And to my mom’s credit, she has been the most ardent defender of my dad who was human and who like all of us, had his faults. Yes, dad should get credit for coming home every night, but mom gets credit for being home every day.

To my recent shock, I realized that my mom is a single mother. Although she is not wiping snotty noses and driving the kids to football practice and dance recitals, she is still fulfilling the role of mom. So if you take the time to read some of my other posts where I praise the strength of singles mothers, keep in mind one of the people I am referring to is my momma! Let’s pay our respects to our single mothers out there whether they are prospective dating partners, our next door neighbors or the co-worker who often has to leave work to care for a sick child.

Thank God for the commitment and love of single mothers.

You Never Know

We all have had times when we honestly do not know how things will turn out. We have our hopes, our expectations and even our best case and worse case scenarios. But every once in a while, we are clueless as to what lies around the corner.

These periods of uncertainty occur for Christian singles as well. Whether the questions we face have to do with marriage or true romance or financial security or sexual satisfaction or lifelong friendships, we REALLY don’t know how things will turn out. For those of us who like to base their lives on clichés; the phrase “I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future” comes to mind. But seriously folks, haven’t you ever wanted God to let you in on some of the outcomes in your future?

To make matters worse, we often do not pay attention when people we interact with hint at uncertainties in their lives. We tell them, “God knows” or “You’ll be alright” or “He won’t put more on you than you can bear”. But when you know that you don’t know what the future holds, these phrases have the same impact of “Blah, blah, blah”.

Faith is about seeing the unseen and our feelings of anxieties about our future are a measurement of our faith. Just as we Christian singles should strive to increase our faith, we should do what we can to help strengthen the faith of others.

You never know what people are going through. But the first thing we can to help the faith of others is to pay attention and listen. People may not come out and directly say what they are struggling with, but if we listen to their words, we can detect clues concerning their situation.

Once we “hear” what the person is saying, let’s avoid dumping clichés at their feet and let’s stop blowing them off with useless and trite sayings. Instead, let’s truly feel their pain, especially since their pain is very much like our own.

Next, let’s not let our prayers for others be the last thing we do for them. Let’s encourage them. Let’s inquire about their progress. Let’s roll up our sleeves and help them.

By doing these things; Christian singles can be a great source of growth when it comes to our faith and the faith of others. Because we are human, we will have anxieties about the problems and challenges in our lives. But the feeling of uncertainty is not really the problem. Rather, the problem lies in the fact of how we allow that uncertainty to weaken our faith. So before we become overwhelmed by the lack of visible clues to how things will turn out, let’s turn our attention to helping others increase their faith. By helping others, you also will end up helping others. God is still in the blessing business even when we fear that business has gone bankrupt. That fact should keep us going even when we really don’t know.

Bad Jokes!

We all have heard jokes that start with something like: “A buxom blonde, a Jewish priest and a Native American enter a bar…” Depending on the punch line, we can label the comedian as racist, sexist or a number of other negative “ists”.

Well it’s time I try my hand at a few bad jokes, but hopefully only my jokes will receive negative reviews and not my character.

A White male, a Black male and a single person go into a certain place, who is the last one to be acknowledged? Answer - If the certain place is a local church, the answer is the single person. It is no laughing matter that when it comes to highly esteemed appointments in many of our local churches; active members who happen to also be single are the last ones to be considered.

A White female, a Black female and a single female (of any race) go into a certain place, who is the first one to be bombarded with opinions on what it means to be whole? Answer - If that certain place is the church, the answer again is the single person. One of the first things well-meaning people will say to a single person is either: “You can be whole without being married” (as if single people need to be reminded of this fact) or “You are wrong to base your sense of “wholeness” on finding a romantic partner.” The second statement forgets that many married people often feel “completed” by their husband or wife. My point? Wholeness is a not dependent upon one’s marital status. Instead, the quality of one’s relationship to God is the main factor in how “whole” one is. So whoever you are out there, stop giving demeaning and inaccurate pronouncements on wholeness to single people unless you are also going to dump that same mess on married folks.

A married person, a single person and a homosexual person go into a certain place, who is the first one to be given relationship advice? Answer - If the certain place is the family reunion, it’s the single person. If the certain place is the church, it is also the single person. In many of our churches, the married person is assumed to “get it” when it comes to knowing how to sustain a long-term relationship. In many of these same churches, the homosexual is assumed to “not get it” about sustaining spiritually “approved” relationships and this is often based on many misunderstood and misinterpreted Bible scriptures. But as for the single person in many of these same churches, the “obvious” assumption is that when it comes to sustaining long-term romantic relationships, they do understand what it takes. Hence, single people are often bombarded with advice (in my opinion, most of this advice is bad) on how to hook a man or a woman.

I have a double challenge for you the reader.

• The first challenge is to use the format employed above to come up with your own version of bad jokes that involve singles. Share them with me and I will share them in the blog. (If you don’t want me to share them in the blog, then please don’t send them to me.)

• The second challenge is for all of us to be more sensitive to how we view other singles. Let’s be more of an advocate for each other. Let’s treat other singles with respect. This includes those singles we date, work with, workout with, encounter in the Wal-Mart parking lot (See “Da-Yum!” http://mooskm.blogspot.com/2008/08/da-yum.html ) or attend church with. Finally, let’s stop passing on to other singles all that bad advice we get on how to “escape” from the so-called prison of singleness.

One Monkey….

Everybody that thinks being a Christian single is easy, raise their hands and shout “Whooeee!” Judging form the relative silence out there, I take it that many of you have your share of what I call “Bad Singleness Days”. Well, count me in.

But thanks be to God that one monkey don’t stop no show!

Before we descend into some kind of crazy singleness self-pity party, let’s see what we can do to get that monkey off our backs. Because as I see it, that persistent monkey volunteers himself to take a piggy-back ride on each of us regardless if we are White or Black, old or young, rich or poor, skinny or not-so-skinny and whatever other group of Christians you may find yourself in.

• Remember That God Made That Monkey And He Made Us - As long as that monkey stays on the other side of the fence at the zoo or stays somewhere out there instead of harassing the “bejeebies” out of us, they are cute almost cuddly little creatures. God has the ability and willingness to keep us and that monkey out of each other’s way.
• Remember To Love God First Before We Search For Love Elsewhere - Most of us have to admit that when we put our search for love ahead of our love for God, that was akin to inviting that monkey to hitch a ride on our backs. Often, we ended up broken-hearted, broke-down and feeling beat down. But when we kept the main thing THE main thing (See “Keeping The Main Thing The Main Thing” http://mooskm.blogspot.com/2007/03/keeping-main-thing-main-thing.html), God has a way of insuring that monkey does not cross our paths.
• Remember That God Wants Us To Live A Blessed Life - Instead of viewing God as a grumpy grouch who does not want us to enjoy life, let’s study His Word to see how He wants us to have life and to have it more abundantly. Part of that abundance has to do with helping us avoid needless confrontations with the unwelcome monkeys in our lives.
• Remember That A Life of Service To Others Puts Us On The Pathway to Blessedness - As single Christians, we have to put the needs of others above our own. Since we are children of God, we already know He will take care of us, so that frees us to do what we can to help others. So when you see that monkey sneaking up on someone else, grab a stick and help the other person chase that monkey away.

As long as we Christian singles put God at the forefront of our thoughts and actions, God has some great things in store for us. If we keep up our end of the bargain and get out of God’s way so He can keep up His end, we will see our singleness transformed into blessedness. No matter our race or our economic situation or geographic location or our career affiliation, God stands ready to bless us beyond (way beyond) our expectations. So don’t worry about a stray monkey that somehow tries to hijack your joy. Just remember that one monkey still don’t stop no show!

I’m Right Here!

We all have seen episodes in the movies or on tv where people are talking about someone and that someone jumps in the conversation with “Excuse me, I’m right here”. It is as if they are suggesting that people should not be talking ABOUT them, but TO them.

As Christian singles, how often do we adopt an ABOUT them perspective instead of a TO them when it comes to how we relate to others? Just for the sake of clarity, let me briefly describe both views:

• ABOUT Them View - This occurs when the connection between two people is on the surface only. The other person is just a character in your play, but their role is really inconsequential to you. You can talk ABOUT them because in your opinion, only your view is important. There is little or no consideration about this other person’s hopes, dreams, fears, needs or desires.

• TO Them View - This occurs when there is a deeper connection between two people. Not only is the other person a significant player in your play, but their role is important. You can talk TO them because your opinion is that you cannot be all you can be unless you help them to be all they can be. In this spirit, you are as concerned about their hopes, dreams, fears, needs and desires as you are about your own.

It is easy for us to fall into the ABOUT them view over the To them view. We know in our minds that we should be more considerate of others, but that head knowledge is not always evident in our hearts. There are many examples of how or when this occurs, but suppose someone “steals” your parking spot in the Wal-Mart parking lot. If you are not careful, you may slip into an ABOUT them mode instead of the TO them mode. Other examples where this can occur are: your boyfriend cheats on you or you don’t understand why someone did not take that new job that was offered or your mom does not approve of your friends or your girlfriend did not call you last night like she promised. There are innumerable other examples, but hopefully you get the point that the ABOUT mode can occur at any time of the day in our lives.

Some of you might be saying that the problem with some of these examples is that the “other” person is not someone close to you or they are strangers. But if we remember that we all are children of God, we should express Godly love to everyone regardless of how well we know them. This kind of love is typical of a TO them view.

It is my hope that single Christians in particular will grow in their capacity to see that the other person they are encountering is a bundle of vulnerabilities, expectations, faults and virtues just like you. We all should remember that most of us are more alike than we are different and even when we don’t like or understand a person’s actions or decisions, there is often a very thin line that separates us from doing the same things or making the same types of choices. The bottom line is this: in order for us to have better relationships of all kinds (romantic, platonic, family and associates as well as with “strangers”), we have to keep reminding ourselves that those people we are talking ABOUT are “in the room” with us!

More To It?

If you live long enough, you either have encountered or will experience moments when you will wonder if your current state of singleness is all there is to being single. As good or bad as your journey of singleness has been, it is normal to question if this is as good (or bad) as it gets.

No matter how pious we claim to be, we often fall victim to not being able to see our future as clearly as God sees it. Granted, He has the advantage of experience that infinity will bring and true, He also has the advantage of experience that comes from having seen it all before. But for us, our sight is limited to our own fears and egos. It is because of our fears and egos that we sometimes forget to borrow God’s eyeglasses so we can see beyond our human vulnerabilities.

Is there more to our singleness or is this it? Part of the answer lies in the quality of our relationship to God. In fact, that is where the whole answer lies. The extent to which we genuinely seek to discern God’s will and purpose is the extent to which we will see the “more” of our singleness. That is the spirit behind the hymn with the words, “We will understand it better by and by.”

So as you deal with moments of loneliness or self-doubt or you are trying to recover from a broken heart or guilt for some bad decisions from your past or you dread those family reunions because you will smacked upside the head with “why are you still single” questions; don’t get too stressed. No those things aren’t going to go away quietly and you will have to serve your time in the valley of uncertainty, but just keep the faith that the story does not end there.

I am not here to delude you with false promises of a happily ever after, although that is what I pray for on your behalf. But, I am here to declare that however good (or bad) your singleness is at this moment, there is more to it. In the final analysis, it does not matter what I “declare” about your singleness. It is more important to understand where you are in your relationship with God. For it is in that relationship that you will find clarity and discover a sense of peace about whether or not this is all there is to your singleness.

Da-Yum!

During a recent trip to Wal-Mart, I noticed a man coming out of that store as I was going. Also entering the store at that time was a young shapely woman. Actually, she appeared to be a well-endowed teenager. Upon seeing this woman, the man, who appeared to be in his fifties, exclaimed, “Da-Yum, you sure are fine!” He may have said some other things, but I was too far into the store to hear any of his other comments.

Why do I mention this? To me, his verbal reaction is wrong on so many levels. Permit me to list a few:

• His comment ignores her humanity. Maybe this young lady was having a bad day. Maybe her boyfriend just left her. Maybe she just found out she is pregnant when that is the last thing she wanted to be. It doesn’t matter what factors may be contributing to her bad day, but his comment did nothing to address the kind of day she was having at that time.

• His comment disregards her divinely ordained purpose. Whenever we focus solely on a person’s physical attributes, we fail to take into account how we can help that person achieve their spiritual calling.

• His comment reduces her to her sexual being. Let’s be honest here. He wasn’t commenting on her intellectual brilliance or her emotional stability. These were non-issues as far as he was concerned. No, his comments were about specific parts of her body that have to do with one’s sexual attractiveness

You may say that I am over-reacting and that on one level he was paying her a compliment. In my response, let me offer an alternative way of dealing with this situation. If he was so moved by her physical presence, he could have started off with something like this: “Excuse me, how are you today?” At that point, the woman will either ignore him and keep walking or she may respond to the question. Whichever action she takes, he then has a quick glance of the kind of day she may be having and also her level of friendliness. If she moves on, then he can keep his comment to himself and no one is worse off. If she stops or pauses, he can have an INTELLIGENT conversation with her. See my post “A Different Conversation” (http://mooskm.blogspot.com/2007/08/different-conversation.html). During this conversation, he can mention that she is an attractive person and he may want to add that he hopes she is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. Having said that; he can move on and go home. He like the rest of us must accept the reality that not every attractive person we encounter is destined to be our sexual partner, our romantic love interest or our one night stand. So, most of our conversations and comments should reflect that reality.

I am a fan of observing the attractive features of people of the opposite sex. I do not see anything wrong with making mental notes of those traits that make someone attractive. But I don’t have to comment on those things to the person and if I cannot help myself, I need to keep the three above bullet statements in mind. It just seems to me that when God made all the beautiful people in the world; he surely must have expected a more respectful reaction than just “Da-Yum!”