Trusting God On the Up and Up

Are we afraid to trust God? Maybe so, but only because we fear what He has to say. For many of us, we view our singleness as a series of opportunities to indulge our desires. We are full of dread that God’s guidance will cause us to have less sex, drink less alcohol, hang out less with “bad” people (whom we tend to find to be more interesting) or engage less in fun activities. Dare I say it? We fear God is really a wet blanket or a fuddy-duddy!

Haven’t we yet learned that many of the things we desire are the same things that bring stress and pain into our lives? Sex often leads to broken hearts, feelings of shame and/or bitterness. Alcohol consumption can lead to bad decisions or ill-advised actions. Hanging out with “bad” people may lead us to take up “bad” habits and many of the so-called fun activities we crave often occur at the expense of others’ well being. Maybe we need to stop being frightened of what God has to say and start understanding how what He is trying to tell us is for our own good.

Our singleness can be enriched if we learn to trust God on the up and up. Go ahead; trusting God is not so bad. In fact, it is not bad at all. Relying on His guidance and wisdom is all-good. Isn’t that the kind of living that we are looking for?

“Lord, help us to fear YOU and not your guidance. Help us to stop hiding in our closets of self-delusional paranoia and boldly trust you where no mere mortal may go. Empower us to be strong enough, tough enough and determined enough to sincerely trust you on the up and up.”

Trusting God On the Down Low

Yesterday we were urged to “shush” ourselves and recognize God’s attempts at making a connection. What a blessed assurance and what a privilege divine that the Creator of all things goes through the trouble of trying to connect with us. It would seem that WE should be the ones going out of our ways to get to know Him and not the other way around. But that is the beauty of God’s love for us; He loves us so much that He is willing to put up with our issues and our self-inflicted messes to maintain our relationship. The more we understand that blessed fact, the more we should “shush” and recognize that God is talking.

But sadly, there is a big difference between what we SHOULD do and what we ACTUALLY do. Many of us Christian singles are living a lie by trusting in God on the down low. We have the public displays of false trust that we parade in front of others. For the sake of fooling others into thinking that we are more spiritual than we really are, we say all the right things, but we often do all of the wrong things. For many of us, trusting God is a dirty little secret we hope no one finds out the truth about.

How do we single Christians trust God on the down low? Here are a few of many examples:

• We coordinate our public praise for maximum exposure. Is the preacher or my favorite deacon or a prospective lover looking? Then let me make sure I get my praise on.
• We trust God to allow the sun to rise and to keep us healthy, but we trust ourselves to find our potential soul mates. To our dismay, what often results is just another broken-heart episode.
• We mess up other people’s lives by giving them bad and unspiritual advice. Instead of relying on the guidance of the Holy Spirit in our counsel to others, we turn to our warped wisdom. Talk about the blind leading the blind!
• We pray for good things to happen to us, but when things are starting to turn for the better, we keep waiting for things to mess up. Have you met the person that seems right for you? Then why are you trying to find reasons to not get your hopes up? Are things in that difficult class starting to make sense? Then why are you getting so nervous when it is time to demonstrate your knowledge as test time approaches? Have you been financially disciplined to the point you are ready to purchase that dream home? Then why are you hesitant about receiving the blessing that God is trying to give you?
  
  

It’s not that we don’t trust God; it’s just that we don’t trust Him enough. Our journey of singleness is as good a time as any to come out of our closets and stop settling for trusting God on the down low!

Tomorrow’s Post: Trusting God On The Up and Up

Shhh! That Was God Talking!

Most of us have claimed at one time or the other that God has spoken to us. Do you remember if it was in a deep booming voice or was it high pitched? Did it rattle the windows like a tornado or did it move your soul like the sweet whispers of your beloved romantic partner? What does God’s voice sound like?

If we are honest, we will also admit that sometimes we have forged God’s name on those things that we wanted to do. We have claimed that this is God’s will when in fact it is our will that we hope to trick God into accepting. How many people have we dated, jobs have we taken, cars have we purchased, friendships have we started, business ventures have we begun all in our phony schemes claiming God’s stamp of approval?

Well, God does speak to us, but in ways we often do not recognize. The problem is not in the fact that God is trying to connect with us, but in the fact that we are not sincerely trying to hear what He is saying. Sometimes His message comes to us through the sadness we might feel after the break-up of a romantic relationship. Other times, He may be reaching out to us through our uncertainty about a major life decision we are pondering. Often, God is trying to get our attention through our moments of fear when we are confronted with something we feel like we cannot handle. And yes, even when we are dealing with a temptation that we find hard to resist, God may be calling our names.

So, instead of running after the thunder or climbing the highest mountains or screening your calls in your caller id, just be receptive to the creative ways that the ultimate Creator is using to get in touch with us. Do not be fooled by the deep booming voices, maybe that is just James Earl Jones! If your inner spirit is telling you that somebody is trying to get through, just shush yourself. That was God talking.

Lift Every Voice And Sing

Although this blog on singleness is written for Christian singles of all races, I did not want to let the month of February end without some reference to Black History Month.

Last week, I wrote several posts about:

• Allowing others to KNOW us
• Making a sincere effort to KNOW others
• What the benefits are of KNOWING each other
• Why we should bother to KNOW God

If you have occasion to interact with African-American Christian singles, then the song “Lift Every Voice And Sing” is something with which you should become familiar. In my opinion, that song, also known as “The Negro National Anthem” captures the essence of what it means to be African-American in this country. If you want to love African-American Christian singles as God would have you to love them, you must grow in your knowledge of who they are. This song will help you along on that path.

“Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us” - This statement affirms that the God we serve “rewards” our faith by dealing with us in our particular situation.

“Stony the road we trod, bitter the chastening rod,” - The road has been rough and the going has been tough and the hills have been hard to climb.

“We have come over a way that with tears has been watered,” - Many of us have accomplished things because of the sacrifices that others have made on our behalf.

“God of our weary years, God of our silent tears,” - Lord, you have been there during our rough times.

“Lest our feet stray from the places, our God, where we met Thee” - Lord, if you do not keep us, we will not be kept.

To truly LOVE me and other African-American Christian singles, you must KNOW me. While we are all children of God, our histories are different and we have taken dissimilar paths to come to this point. God’s command to love implies that we should not let our differences keep us apart. The more we truly endeavor to know each other, the better we can come together and LIFT EVERY VOICE AND SING. May this song be a starting point as we grow together in God’s love.

Moments of Our Singleness Blog Blast!

Wanted: Christian Singles Willing To Discuss

Singleness From A Spiritual Perspective

INCENTIVE - For every person you send to view this blog AND who leaves a comment saying that you sent them, I will pay you a dollar. Now you won't get rich this way, but at least it may help with putting gas in your car! This incentive will run from today through March 31st. Be sure and tell your referrals to leave a comment with your name as the person who recommended them so you will get credit. (I will not publish these comments, unless they also comment on a posting. In that case, I will omit the part that includes your name.) Referrals will be accepted on a first come, first served basis. To be eligible for this incentive, you must have left at least one comment yourself. (Payment will be made in April).

Why am I doing this? Because the more people we can get to participate in this blog by reading and commenting, the better it will be for all of us. Each of us needs to hear what other Christian singles are saying and how God is moving in their lives.

APRIL and BEYOND INCENTIVE - Starting in April, there will be incentives for people to leave comments. More details about that later.

This Week In Review Saturday 2/23/07

On Sunday, I suggested that in order to fulfill the divine command to love, we must sincerely try to know the people in our lives. On Monday, I talked about knowing people is a two-way street; we must be willing to open ourselves to be known and we must be willing to put the effort to know others. On Tuesday, my post was about how God knew what He was doing when He issued the command to love. When we endeavor to truly know each other, our lives are enhanced just as God intended. On Wednesday, I discussed the question of why should we bother to get to know God? On Saturday, I urged everyone to put into practice what they know and not worry about how others may be falling short.

Below are some questions from comments you left this past week. Check out my responses.

“But how deep do we go to "know" people?” We should go as deep as is appropriate for that relationship. For example, for the person who almost cut you off in traffic, it is sufficient to “know” that person is a child of God and that God loves him or her as He loves you. At the other extreme, you should stay engaged in a continuous search for knowledge about your romantic partner.

“I trust God but, I just can’t allow anyone but God to know those dark secrets…so for me what is left?" This is not a direct response to the question, but whenever we say, “I trust God, BUT….”, we are not trusting Him enough. Dealing with this question, it is important that we understand that God created us with the desire for others to know and love us. So, when we do not allow others to do that, we are going against God’s design.

“What would your pastor say about your postings about sex?” This question was asked of me in an email and not in a comment. First of all, let’s put things in the proper perspective. So far, I have posted 110 entries since February 2006. Of those, maybe 10 are about sex, which means that less than 10% are about that topic. Second, I believe that most pastors should THANK ME for dealing with an issue in a responsible and thoughtful way that many of them very rarely address beyond just saying NO. Also, I think many pastors should be grateful that many of their singles are being given an avenue to discuss the spiritual aspects of sexuality, which in my opinion is the NUMBER ONE cause of problems for Christian singles.

KNOW It, DO It!

My last four postings were centered on the word “KNOW”. The basic premise for this week was this: The more we know about someone, the more we CAN love him or her. Our charge as Christian singles is to take the time to become as familiar with others as possible so we can love them purely as God would have us love them. Additionally, we need to sincerely seek to grow in our understanding of God so that we can love Him more.

Most Christian singles will agree with the premises stated in the above paragraph. Some of you may be able to repeat what I have written more eloquently or passionately or clearly and that is great. But where most of us miss the mark is we are not DOING what we KNOW. Often the spiritual principles behind the divine command to love get knocked out of the way when we face real life situations. This problem is made worse because we can readily see examples of when others are not being true to the principles of Godly love, but we fail to recognize it in ourselves.

So today, let’s not look at the other person in our lives and list their faults. Let’s take a look in the spiritual mirror and admit to the inconsistencies we exhibit.

• When that person in the car next to you cuts you off almost causing a terrible accident, do you love them or curse them?
• When your co-worker goes to the boss behind your back and blames you for something you did not do, do you commit yourself to love them or do you vow to get revenge?
• When the person you greet with a “good morning” looks at you and responds with the rolling of the eyes and a smirk, do you feel love or hate for this person?

The point of these few examples is that when we are sincerely trying to live up to the mandate to love, we will endeavor to truly know those we interact with and this should lead us to love them regardless of how they treat us. Let us not forget that the command is not to love others as they first love us, but to love them as we love ourselves.

But, we already KNOW that. Now we just have to DO that!

Do We Know Who God Is?

Perhaps an even better question is, “Why should we bother with trying to know God?” The reason why this may be a more appropriate question is because sometimes we let our singleness put God on the backburner:

• If someone breaks our hearts, we wish bad things for them and we seek to get revenge against them
• If someone rejects our love, we try our best not to love them (or at least act like we do not love them)
• If someone is mean to us, we return their meanness and even try to “out-mean” them
  If someone we have done a favor for does not say thank you, we vow not to never do anything else for them
• If we are feeling “frisky”, we sleep with whoever will sleep with us without consideration for the damages being done to our spiritual health
• In our interactions with each other, we rely on our so-called wisdom and not on the guidance of the Holy Spirit
  
  

Why bother with getting to know God? His ways are the path to a purposeful and fulfilling singleness. Whatever drama and mess life throws at us will not “stick” because God has promised to work things out for our good. Because we have taken the time to know God and we have learned to trust Him, we can smile a while longer, laugh a little heartier, walk more purposefully, dream bigger dreams, plan larger accomplishments, believe that nothing is too good to be true and break through any barriers that will keep other singles down.

Want some friendly advice? As well as you may know God now, get to know even more about Him. Keep praying, stay in a spirit of meditation and continue to believe and obey Him. If you remain on the path to becoming familiar with God, watch out because God has some mighty blessings ahead for you. You think you are doing pretty good in your singleness today? Well, if you remain faithful to Him, YOU AIN’T SEEN NOTHING YET!

What Happens When We Know Each Other?

I cannot be fully ME without YOU and neither can YOU be complete without ME. In a sense, we are “stuck” with each other, but in a good way. God created us to want to communicate and connect and share concern with each other. Otherwise, why would He bother with commanding us to “Love thy neighbor as thyself?”

So what happens when we KNOW each other? We can do “cute” things like finish each other’s sentences, read each other minds and buy that perfect gift for each other’s birthdays. But even more profoundly, we can be there for each other when life is not a bowl of cherries.

• When we can love each other according to God’s plan, that opens us up to the redeeming and miraculous power of God’s affection.
• Days of sadness will be a little less sad because we can be there to help wipe away those tears.
• Times of loneliness will be a little less lonely because we can show up to help chase the blues away.
• Satan will be less likely to bum rush us gangsta style because we will be there to cover each other’s back.
• After the love is gone or when the boss acts like he or she has lost his or her mind or when one of us has to deal with a bad hair day or the money is running short of a very long month, we will both have something to laugh about because of the support and companionship we share.
  
  

I guess God knew what He was doing when He commanded us to love each other. By allowing you to know me and me to know you, we have a relationship that could only be thought of and nurtured by our Heavenly Father. The effort to really becoming acquainted with each other was well worth the effort.

Thank God for the commandment to love and thank Him too for the good sense that led us to choose to get to really know each other!

Tomorrow’s Post: Do We Know Who God Is?

Will You Let Me Know Who You Are?

I look at you, but I am not sure that I really SEE you. What is your favorite color? What are your most secret fears? When was the last time you had your heart broken? If I do not know the answers to these and other questions about you, then how can I claim to know you?

Knowing is a two-way street. I must be willing to decipher the mysteries that you pose and you must be willing to open the doors to the secret vault that houses the clues to the real you. To be known is to make yourself vulnerable to the bad intentions that some people hold, but it also opens you to the goodness that God has placed inside of each of us. Is your faith in God strong enough that you will allow me to get to really know you? When you trust God completely, you can be certain that everything that happens TO you will somehow end up being good FOR you. This frees you to open your heart and your mind to the platonic or romantic relationship I offer you. Even if I end up hurting you or abusing the privilege of becoming familiar with you, God has promised to make everything all right.

So, the decision is up to you. You can choose to keep me on the outside of you looking in or you can decide to allow yourself to be a puzzle that I can eventually solve. “Love thy neighbor as thyself”; I want to know you so that I can fully love you. I am here trying to keep up my end of the bargain, but now you must decide if you will let me know who you are.

Tomorrow’s Post: What Happens When We Know Each Other?

You Don't Know Me

When you look at me, what is it that you really see? In most cases, your so-called understanding of me is based on the prism of your thoughts, fears, likes and dislikes, hopes and experiences. So, in essence your view of me has more to do with YOU than it does with ME.

But if we are going to relate to each other, I must do a better job of truly knowing you, as you should do a better job of knowing me. Instead of relying on our own faulty visions, let’s make a consistent effort to use God as our magnifying glass. Since He knows our “goings and comings”, we might as well draw on His vision of who we are and what He wants us to become.

Christian singles need to learn how to get to know each other. It is a shame that we travel this road of singleness without truly becoming intimately familiar with who the other singles are. “Love thy neighbor as thyself”; that is what we are called to do. Most of us have the sense to know that our “neighbors” are more than the people living next door. But we have failed miserably in the part of the commandment that exhorts us to love others as ourselves.

You know yourself, don’t you? You love yourself, don’t you? Then the only thing keeping you from completely following the above commandment is the fact that you really don’t know who I am. What are you going to do about that?

Tomorrow’s Post: Will You Let Me Know Who You Are?

This Week In Review Saturday 2/17/07

On Sunday, I discussed how we sometimes have sex before we ask the questions that need to be addressed. When we do that, we open ourselves up to problems that we could have avoided. On Monday, my post was about how most of us desire for someone to know us intimately in every sense of the word, but we are not always spiritually prepared to exhibit fidelity, commitment and discipline to position ourselves for God to bless us beyond our expectations. On Wednesday, the topic was about the circumstances when being driven to distraction can be a good thing that may also lead to realization of meeting our soul mate. On Thursday, I posed some questions about why people have sex and ended that session with a prayer that all of us would grow in our understanding of how God would like for us to view this aspect of our makeup.

Below are some questions from comments you left this past week. Check out my responses.

“Can you have sex with your ‘friend’ and remain friends?” What we need to understand is that when we have sex outside of marriage, we are harming our partner and ourselves. If we truly loved our “friend” as God desires that we do, we would not bring harm to them. So the question should not be about remaining friends, but about what is God’s will AND what will not hurt us.

“Perhaps I sound a little bitter, but can we drop the ‘Valentine's Day’ Stuff?" As Christian singles that believe that God will answer our prayers for true romance, why would we NOT want to talk about Valentine’s Day?

“Okay, you really want to talk about sex?” It is my opinion that sex is the biggest challenge that Christian singles face. So many of us suffer or are currently struggling because of decisions we make concerning our sexuality. It is imperative that we discuss sex since it holds so much potential to harm us.

“Be honest, would you really go out with a woman who asked you out on a date? Has a woman ever asked you out and if so, what was the outcome?” Yes, if a woman asked me out and I thought our date was going to be interesting, I would go out with her. Yes, I have had women to ask me out. The outcomes have varied, but for me, dating is about getting and receiving information. So, any date is a potential learning experience.
In this day and time, men need to be open to women asking them out and women need to be open to making the first move in terms of asking for his number or asking him out. I cannot speak for other men, but I do not think any less of a woman who takes the initiative to get to know me and I do not make any prejudgments about them either. One of my objectives is to meet my soul mate; it does not matter to me who asks who first.

When People Have Sex

First of all, let’s not get on our respective moral soapboxes and tangle ourselves up in a discussion of the morality of sex. To focus on the “rightness or wrongness” of sex is often counterproductive. So I promise not to do that in this post and hope you will also.

This post is about what leads people to have sex. I have a friend of mine who says that sex is often not about sex, but about something else. What is that something else? It could be about loneliness or wanting to feel attractive or power or fear or self-esteem issues or political gamesmanship or self-destructive tendencies or boredom or the need for adventure. These are a few examples and there are a lot more.

I believe that God did not design sex to be about these or other things. Rather, He created sex to be about sex! But because we have been so beaten up and tainted by the destructive relationships we find ourselves in, what God has intended to be a blessing has turned out to be more of a curse.

It is my prayer that Christian singles will grow in their understanding of God’s expectation of what sex should mean for us and that as a result, sex will truly be about sex!

Driven To Distraction

Have you ever been in a romantic relationship and it consumed so much of your thoughts that you could not think of anything else? You’d sit at your desk at work and allow your mind to wander and wonder about that special one. Or you’d find yourself not paying attention to the sermon on Sunday morning because your loved one is occupying your thoughts. Those are examples of being driven to distraction.

Unfortunately for some singles, Valentine’s Day is a day to be distracted from the tasks at hand by thoughts of that lover that got away or the one that never came. These singles would prefer that Valentine’s Day never come.

I cannot tell you what should drive you and you cannot tell me the same. But I do encourage you to examine your faith quotient. God is faithful and He stands ready to grant us our requests. But, many of us singles, ask for things we really do not believe God is going to give us. Thus, days like Valentine’s Day become a bad joke.

If we allow our faith to drive us to distraction, we will focus less on the loving that we are not getting and more on the promise of experiencing the love of a lifetime. With each day that comes and goes, our expectation of finally realizing the dreams of love that we hide deep in our hearts is that much more close to being made evident. "Valentine’s Day is here again? Hallelujah, that means that God’s “YES” to my prayer for a mate is closer than it was yesterday."

If you have kept the faith, then you can rejoice. One day, you will have a love that will be the cause of you being driven to distraction!

You Don't Know Me Like That!

Have you ever said that phrase to anyone or heard it spoken by someone else? Or maybe someone has felt the need to say that to you. In any case, this phrase usually follows an act or words that was viewed as inconsistent with a person’s view of their relationship. By saying this, a person who has acted outside of his or her bounds is being put back in their place.

But the ironic thing is most of us Christian singles DO want someone to know us like that! We desire intimacy and we crave the opportunity for the right person to “invade our space”. We want to put that special someone in his or her place as long as that place is holding and touching us.

Valentine’s Day for many of us is an invitation for us to dwell on the loving we are not getting and the hugging and kissing we are missing. The longer we dwell on the lack of romance in our lives, the more we will be tempted to forget about the relationship and focus only on the physical connections. When we give in to that temptation, we are chasing the smoke and bypassing the fire!

Though it may seem like He has a morbid sense of humor, God is not playing a cruel joke on us. He did not give us these feelings and desires only to leave us frustrated and confused. He has given us the conditions under which we can enjoy intimacy and romance to the fullest extent. If we truly understand His command to love Him and to love others as we love ourselves, we are on the path to having a tremendously fulfilling love life! Loving as God would have us love includes a spiritually healthy dose of commitment, fidelity and discipline. It is amazing that these three words that sound so unromantic can hold so much promise for the realization of a mighty, mighty love.

Put your faith in the fact that God knows you inside and out. Trust that He has the capability and the willingness to bring others into your life that can give you the right kind of loving. Oh what bliss awaits us when we allow God to lead us to that special someone about whom we can proudly proclaim, “YOU DO KNOW ME LIKE THAT!”

Sex Now, Questions Later

The gaze says it all; the time for talking is over. The desire that once was a question mark has now been transformed into an exclamation point. Precious moments of pleasure seem to be only one touch away….

There are times when we want to be loved so badly that we will not take no for an answer. God’s whisper in our ears is being drowned out by the screams of passion sparking our imagination. The voice of reason has been beat down and shut up by our speeding heartbeats and heavy breathing.

Today may not be February 14th, but for us, it is Valentine’s Day and chocolate hearts are not the only sweets we want to consume.

After the loving, questions will arise that beg an answer. Where curiosity was an abstract concept, it now becomes a nagging reality that disturbs our feelings of bliss.

• Was this a love thing or just a booty call?
• Will we respect each other in the morning?
• Will God’s voice still be a distant echo struggling to be heard over our surging emotions?
• Will the love we made end up creating a mess that destroys our relationship?
  

But those inquiries will have to wait until after the love is gone. At this moment, our focus is: Sex Now, Questions Later.

This Week In Review, Friday February 9

No questions this week, so I will talk a little more about being creative as previously discussed in “You Already Have It” on Tuesday, February 6. The “problem” being addressed in this segment is trying to find a mate or romantic partner. When faced with a challenge, there are two choices: Give in to it or try to change it. What are some ideas that women in particular may use to find a romantic partner?

• Take up a group hobby or activity that you are not currently doing. For example, bowling or join a pottery making class.
• Ask a person out on a date that you are interested in. If he agrees to go out with you, then just enjoy the evening without any pressure and see how he interacts with you.
• Get several of your female friends together and host a party where each female must invite 1 or 2 or 3 or whatever number of males. Plan games and activities where everybody must interact with everyone else at some point.
• Try online dating.
• Resolve to do something within reason that you would not normally do. For example, many women will never ask a guy for his number first.
• At church, challenge yourself to speak to at least one new male each Sunday and see how long you can keep the conversation going. You are not necessarily trying to date each person you talk to, but you are developing the habit of conversing with different men and feeling comfortable doing so.
• Write down 5 things you would like to improve about yourself and draw up a plan to achieve those 5 things.

These are some ideas, but there are a gazillion more! The point is to think outside the box when it comes to finding your soul mate. Some things will work for you and some will not. Do not let your fear of rejection or of being hurt deter you from your ultimate goal. Take the time to write down as many ideas on how to meet men (not necessarily to date them) and eventually, one of them may be just right for you.

Yes, you should pray to God to help you find a mate, but many of you will be surprised to find out that “You Already Have…” what you need to make that dream a reality in your life. God has answered your prayer; you just have to be CREATIVE enough to recognize it!

A Good Book

Tonight, I took the time to finish a book that I was reading. The title is not important because I do not want you to focus on that. It was a page-turner with a mixture of romance, suspense and action. Sort of like our lives, isn’t it?

If your singleness were a book, would it be a good read or bad one? In a sense, each of us is the author of our own books of life. God is our editor. He suggests corrections and recommends a few changes here and there. Our Divine Editor is so accomplished; that He does not force His will on us and He has nothing to gain (or lose) with the advice He gives. All He does is for our good and He gives us the freedom to follow His guidance or reject it.

The readers are those people we have relationships with. This includes members of our families, our co-workers, our friends, our romantic partners and even those who do not have our best interests at heart. But here is an important point: The readers can only read our book, they cannot change it. We as the authors are the only ones who can write our own story.
May Christian singles everywhere have the spiritual common-sense to follow the counsel of our Divine Editor and may the story we write develop into A GOOD BOOK.

Twas Seven Days Before Valentine's Day

So what will it be this year? A mad scramble to find a sweetie just in time for Valentine’s day or a slow death march to the day that all lonely singles dread? A box of chocolates or a heavy heart full of melted romantic dreams?

Seven days and counting. Go ahead; try to convince yourself that it is just another day. Don’t look around and see the flowers on the desk next to yours or the oversized cards expressing undying love blocking your view of the sun. “Really, it is just another day”, you insist even as you cannot help but hear the exclamations of delight of someone who has just been pleasantly surprised by their romantic partner.

I offer no empty clichés on this possible solemn occasion. If you want a lover and cannot find one, then Valentine’s Day is like a rude slap to the face. On the other hand, if you are at peace with your solitude, then the pangs from a love not yet realized will not have their full effect.

This Valentine’s Day, send a card to a dear platonic friend to let them know how special they are to you. If your mom is still living, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind a gesture of affection. Buy some candy for some little children at your church or make a single mother’s day by babysitting her kids for a night.

It’s a week before Valentine’s Day; instead of waiting on a surprise that may never come, go ahead and plan to make it special for those people who mean a lot to you. Show someone you care by doing something out of the ordinary and your Valentine’s Day seven days from now will mean more than you could ever have imagined.

Clothes or Sex?

According to a recent poll, women on average would be willing to give up sex for 15 months in exchange for a closet full of new clothes. In a variety of questions comparing women’s preferences of clothing items versus sex, clothes won out each time. Other interesting facts to come from this survey were that most women have held on to clothing items longer than they have committed to a romantic relationship and most women felt more confident in the notion of love at first site when it came to finding desirable apparel than on finding a good man.

These are interesting facts that perhaps raise eyebrows, cause a few chuckles and provide fodder for water cooler discussions at work. But are their spiritual considerations for Christian singles to ponder?

• Men, maybe we are not “manning up” when it comes to sex and relationships. How is this statement “spiritual”? It is spiritual because God created men and women to desire each other and to develop powerful relationships that out rank other aspects of life. If we men are not making ourselves worthwhile to our women (not just through sex, mind you), then we are not living up to what God has called us to do.
• Women, maybe you have your priorities in the wrong order. If you would rather have clothes than a good man, then maybe you have allowed your past negative experiences to steer you away from what God designed you to be. Or you have given in to the flawed conventional wisdom that says men are not worth the trouble of bonding with.
  
  

Christianity is a religion based on relationships: humans to God and humans to humans. Part of the human-to-human interaction is the romantic linkage between males and females. It is the will of God that men and women desire and cling to each other more intensely than we hold onto anything else. Can you imagine God’s disappointment if Eve would have preferred a closet full of the latest fig leaf attire over the companionship of Adam? God would be no less disappointed if we do not value each other over material things.

Come on Christian singles, God made us better than that!

You Already Have It!

It is amazing what you can do with some cardboard, aluminum foil and duct tape! In my last posting, I used my experiences over the weekend with a leaking water heater to highlight three lessons for Christian singles. One of those lessons was about being creative.

However we may use semantics to describe bad situations, there is no denying that some things will happen to us that we would prefer not happen to us. That’s life. Using my situation as an example, it really is no big deal that my water heater is not working properly. Things happen like that all of the time. I can host my own pity party or I can use my God-given capacity to be creative. Put another way, I can either focus on the problem or I can focus on the solution to the problem.

My “bad thing” this weekend was how to effectively capture the water that was flowing from my water heater. Choice number one: Focus on the negative impact of the flowing water. Choice number two: Focus on ways to counteract the negative impact of the flowing water. Pity parties were not going to change my situation. Just accepting the negative outcomes would not make it go away. In order for my situation to change, I had to do something and do it quickly! To make a long story less long, I found a solution to my problem with a piece of cardboard, some aluminum foil and some duct tape that I had in various places in my residence.

What in the world does this have to do with being a Christian single?

The point of this posting is not about my broken water heater or my creative solution. That is unimportant. The key point from this episode with a “bad thing” is the fact that God has already given us what we need to creatively deal with our situation.

• If we encounter a problem that requires patience, God may have already given us the ability to wait on Him. Just look around your “house”.
• We may have to deal with a challenge that can only be fixed through Godly love. You have some of that somewhere. No need to run out to the store or borrow it from a neighbor.
• Your “problem” may be that you always pick the wrong kind of man or woman to fall in love with. God has already given you the “cardboard”, “aluminum foil” and “duct tape” to help you overcome this problem.
• For those who have difficulty finding someone to love them, you have what you need to creatively reverse your romantic misfortunes.
• You may be saddled with platonic friends that drain you emotionally, physically, spiritually and/or financially. While conventional wisdom says to simply cut them loose, your untapped spiritual genius may lead you to more creative actions.

There are so many potential problems or “bad things” that can happen to Christian singles, that I cannot possibly list them all. Nor can I list all of the creative ways we can handle our problems. But God knows the list of possible challenges and He has the full list of solutions. Don’t rush to Wal-Mart and don’t leave your “house” to find a solution. Look in the attic. Try your kitchen cabinets. Rummage through all of that stuff in the garage. What you need to deal with your situation; God has already given you. Everything you need to rise above your “bad things”; you already have it!

At Least The Water Is Hot!

There is never a good time for bad things to happen. But they still do. We would prefer to not have to suffer with bad things. But we do and we will. That’s life. Are there lessons we can draw concerning our singleness from these “bad things”?

This past week, my water heater has not been working properly. So for a while, I have had to heat water in the microwave to use for washing up. It took me some time to get to the “reset” button because of some shelving between the laundry room and water heater. But Saturday, I had some good news. I finally got some hot water. But a couple of hours after that good news, my water heater started spraying water all over the place. And it has been watering my carpeted floor for the past eighteen hours and counting. What does all of this have to do with being single?

Lesson 1 - In our singleness journey, things will go wrong. Romantic partners will break up with us. Friends will say inappropriate things. The boss will go on a rampage. The person at the drive-through will not get your order right the first, second AND third time. These things happen. Christian singles should not let the fact that bad things happen mess up their attitude. God is still in charge!

Lesson 2 - The things that go wrong are bad for us, but they could be a lot worse. We still have our health, a place to stay, cars to drive, friends to call, money in the bank and the list goes on. Also, there are people who are dealing with much bigger problems than we face. Christian singles should not lose sight of the fact that others are suffering and we should do what we can to help them, even in the midst of our bad days. God is still calling us to make a positive difference!

Lesson 3 - When bad things happen, we need to be creative. Faced with the prospect of having to empty buckets every hour or so, I rigged a system that allows the water to flow into 2 containers at the same time thereby extending the time I would be tied to my house to empty them. That means I can go to church today and I can go to work tomorrow. Christian singles should be creative when bad things happen to them, which will allow them to keep moving forward in the directions God would have us to go. God is giving us the capacities to deal with life’s challenges and still get on with those things we need to do.

Three lessons in one post! What significance does the number 3 have to Christians? There are perhaps more lessons to be drawn and the point of this posting is not to dwell on my water heater problems. Rather, the point is we should take all of our situations, good and bad and get a glimpse of what God would have us to learn. Each day, we have the opportunity to grow a little wiser, a little more creative and a little more patient. It is up to us to take proper advantage of these opportunities and become more like the person God has designed us to be. Getting back to my situation, as I sit here listening to the water fill up the two containers, I can be thankful that at least the water is hot!

Don't Be Nia

If we could develop a list of the physical traits of our ideal mate to the smallest of details, we would have a picture of our perfect one for the entire world to see. In the absence of such a list, others are left to guess about our “THE ONE”.

First of all, why worry about what someone else’s “type” is? Are you really clear on what yours are? My suggestion is that we should focus on being the best “ME” that we can be and let that be enough for any prospective mates. Mind you, I did not say that we should not always strive to nurture and improve ourselves. Physically, we should make sure that our hairstyle matches our body type, that our skin is as free of blemishes as possible, that we are not carrying excess weight, that our clothes accentuate our positive features and so on. This means we should exercise regularly, eat right, adopt healthy lifestyle practices, think pleasant thoughts and smile much more than we usually do.

Second of all, if you insist on worrying about someone else’s type, then at least keep things in the proper perspective. Take me for example; to anyone who cares to listen, I have said that Nia Long is my ideal fantasy mate. But the truth of the matter is that Halle Berry will do or Golden Brooks (“Maya” on the TV show “Girlfriends”) will suffice. So if you think, “Aha, I got Kevin’s ideal type figured out!” let me respond with “No so fast there, my friend!”. I do not know what my future wife will look like. She may be shorter or taller than I thought. She may be lighter or darker, skinnier or fatter or her hair color may be different than I imagined or longer or shorter than I envisioned. We all have our lists, but we need to be flexible. So what good is it for you to try and figure out what my type of woman is when that may change?

In the meantime, while I am waiting for my mate and you are waiting for yours, here is a little friendly advice. When it comes to relating with me, you don’t have to be Nia. You being you will be just fine. Don’t even try to be Halle or Golden. Just be the best you that God has designed you to be. As your fellow Christian single, please know that I appreciate you just the way you are with the understanding that we all have room to grow and improve. Part of our calling as Christians is to help others develop into what are God’s expectations of them. He did not call you to be Nia to me, just the ever improving and developing you. If that is good enough for God, then it is certainly good enough for me.

This Week In Review Feb. 3, 2007

On Saturday, I discussed how we sometimes blame other people for our own issues instead of working to grow beyond them. Starting on Monday, I posted some thoughts as part of a series, which is based on part of a song. Did you recognize it? “I don’t know what you came to do, but I came to praise the Lord”. On Monday, I talked about agendas and interests that we all have and our need to pray for each other so that our agendas fall in line with God’s agenda. On Tuesday, the topic was the affirmation of the spiritual notion that regardless of how people treat me, I am going to treat them as God would have me treat them. On Wednesday, I wrote about the need to stop worrying about what God’s purpose for other people are and devote ourselves to figuring out what is His purpose for us. That should keep us busy enough to prevent us from sticking our noses in other people’s business! On Thursday, this series was wrapped up with the notion that one way we can praise the Lord is by allowing His will to guide our actions and words in our relationships with each other.

Below are some questions from comments you left this past week. Check out my responses.

“The type of love God has for us is agape…is this the kind I should have for “one another”…?” Many Christians like to separate the concept of love into three categories using Greek terms. They talk about agape (Godly or perfect love), eros (romantic love) and philia (friendship love). It is my strong opinion that love is love and it all flows from one source (God). The difference is how we express love. We express love differently with our romantic partners than we do with our friends or family members or others. The main point is that ALL love comes from God and if we are truly connected to Him, then we can love everyone, however we may define their relationship to us. (For an excellent interpretation of these three Greek terms for love, read Dr. Martin Luther King’s sermon, “Loving Your Enemies”.) So the answer to this question is this: Whoever “one another” is, just love them because God has given you the capacity to love. Don’t worry about putting a fancy Greek label on it.

Is it possible to love Him, without loving ourselves? The short answer is, “Yes.” In the Bible, we are commanded to love God totally and then we are exhorted to love others as we love ourselves. Those two commandments imply two things:
(1) That we can love God in spite of how flawed we are (2) The extent to which we love others is dependent on our level of self-love. So, can I love God as messed up and stressed up as I may be? Yes. Can I love others if I do not love myself? No.

I was just reading your profile, and would love to know what this really means, “I am single today but hopefully not for the rest of my life!” Are you really hoping to pass through your singleness some day? I think I will address this more fully in a future post, but the short answer for today is the following: With God’s help, I am on a continuous journey to transform my singleness into blessedness, but I hope one day to be married to a good woman (Nia Long, are you listening?) and to reap all of the benefits that a spiritually sanctioned marriage has to offer.

Are you on target for your new book, which should release February 2007? I am prayerful that my new book will be available this month.

I simply want to know if there is a difference in an agenda and an expectation? As it relates to those unspoken and sometimes secret motivations that influence our thoughts and actions, there is no difference between those two words. Where we tend to run into problems in our relationships is when we do not correctly decipher one’s intentions (agendas) and we discover after the fact that their intentions do not match our own. Making things worse is the fact that at times, both of us may not be factoring in what God’s “agenda” is. Rather, we are both trying to run our own programs and have things our way. (This is a win-lose way of doing things.)

I am confused about the term “date”; when you get a moment, explain to me exactly how this relates to me as a Single Christian? At the risk of sounding “un-romantic”, I define “dating” as an information gathering process. Boy meets girl. Something about each catches the other’s eye. They want to know more. They “date” to find out more about the other person. And in instances with a happy ending, they learn enough about each other to get married and live happily ever after. But even when dating does not lead to marriage, there still was information that was transmitted. Hopefully, we all will learn and grow from our dating experiences whether they end on a good or a bad note.

Praise The Lord!

I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU CAME TO DO, BUT I am not going to let what you do prevent me from doing what I CAME TO do which is to PRAISE THE LORD! There are many ways to praise Him, but the kind of praise I am talking about today has to do with honoring Him through the relationships I have with others. Sure, I will praise God with the words from my mouth. But in addition to that, I will demonstrate my respect and admiration for Him by loving others, as He wants me to.

No matter how you treat me, I am going to respond with Godly love. If you come at me with the intent of satisfying your needs at the expense of mine, I will love you. On the other hand, if you come to me with the goal of treating me like God would have you to treat me, then I will love you still. Bottom line; there is nothing you can do to keep me from obeying the divine call to love you.

Loving you at your best or at your worst. Loving you when my feet hurt or my back aches or after you have worked my last nerve. Loving you until your fears and bitterness melt away or your positive qualities shine through your façade of toughness. Loving you in good times or bad, whether happy or sad, whether nice or mean. Loving you when you are having a good day of singleness or if you are suffering through a bad one. Loving you through your bad hair days, your weight gains or losses or when your breath stinks or when your deodorant is not working. (Just call it “funky love”.)

These are the ways I am going to love you which is the ultimate expression of how I can PRAISE THE LORD. Since God is love; when I love others in a Godly way, I am affirming who He is and that is a spiritually powerful form of praise.