In My Heart

Unfortunately, many people cannot truly discern what is in our hearts. We may think of ourselves as being caring and genuine in our concern for others, but others may see us as quite the opposite.

Yes we know that God knows what is in our hearts, but let’s be honest, is that enough? For most of us, we not only want God to know the depths of our sincere affection, we also want those we interact with to recognize the love we possess. When we are able to step outside of our false notions of piety, we admit that it does matter what others think of us, particularly when what they think of us does not match our self-impressions.

I have no answers to the questions of how to make someone see more clearly the contents of your heart. All I can do is encourage you to share those contents more, not less when you are confronted with those who doubt your sincere intentions. Even though it can get tiring to have to swim against the tide of false perceptions, trust God to give you the strength to keep doing what you do. When every muscle in your spiritual body is straining against the weight of unfair judgments, love people more.

Lord, I want to love you. In my heart. In my heart. But I also want people to know that I love you and I love them in my heart. Help me to “prove” my love by the simple act of sharing it even when it is misconstrued as something else. Help me to stay the course you have set for me to love you with all my being and love others as I should love myself.

Ain’t Nothing Wrong

I must admit that sometimes I am perplexed by the wordings that people use. Let me explain what I mean by an actual discussion I had with a fellow member of the same church I attend.

In reference to me not having a girlfriend, she asked “What is wrong with Shenequa? (Not her actual name).

My response was, “There is nothing wrong with Shenequa, I just don’t want her.”

Here is what is perplexing about her question to me. It presupposes that attraction is based on perfection. Thus, if I am not attracted to someone, it must mean that something is wrong with her. Her question also assumes that I feel like I am qualified to declare a person’s “wrongness”.

As I understand attraction, it is not based on perfection. In fact, attraction may be caused by the traits that others may view as unattractive. So Shenequa may be fine and cute and smart and witty, but I still may not want her. If there is something wrong, it is with me, not her. Just because I don’t want her, doesn’t mean that something is wrong with her. Perhaps the better question to ask is “What is wrong with you, Kevin” instead of “What is wrong with her?”

In our lives, we will make decisions about who is and who is not attractive. These are purely subjective and personal decisions. You may not like the criteria I use and I may not care for the criteria you employ. But we both have the God-given right to use the traits we choose. It is my hope that you and I both will learn to value those same traits that God wants us to base our attraction decisions on.

I further hope that we will stop thinking in terms of what is wrong with the Shenequas of the world. There have been many people who have decided they are not attracted to me and also that (in their opinion), I would not make a good mate for them. Does that mean something is wrong with me? (Well, there probably are a lot of things wrong with me, but they may not have anything to do with why people do not find me attractive. (smile)). Should I be mad at them for not wanting me? The answer is no to both questions.

So, if you like I, have been in the same position as Shenequa in this post, then don’t take it personally. Some will find us attractive and others won’t just as you and I will dig some but not others. That is part of living. Take solace in the fact that when it comes to whether or not God finds us attractive, “Ain’t Nothing Wrong”.

When We Hurt

As bad as we may think we are, all of us will experience hurt at various points in our lives. I think we all need to reject the notion that feeling hurt is an indication of weakness or is a negative reflection on our character. Nothing could be further from the truth. What is a sign of weakness is when we consistently try to deny the hurts in our lives and we go bopping along trying to fool others into thinking that we immune to such feelings.

In addition to denying the existence of hurt in our lives, we also need to be careful as to how we address them. Sometimes we become so focused on the alleviation of the pain in our lives that we allow non-spiritual so-called solutions to invade our singleness journey.

Let’s look at an example and hopefully you can apply that to other instances of how we seek non-spiritual solutions to those times we find ourselves hurting. You as a female have a male platonic friend that you know is going through a tough time in his life. With genuine spiritual concern, you offer to help him through this troubled time by offering spiritual encouragement. When you give him a “holy ghost” hug, the movements of his hands on your body and his other bodily movements suggest to you he wants to show you his gratitude in a carnal way. Because you do find him physically attractive, you give brief consideration to “accepting” his gesture of appreciation. But then, you quickly come to your spiritual senses and you remove yourself from this situation.

You went in with the best of intentions and you felt like progress was made in helping your friend deal with his hurt. Then seemingly out of left field comes his sexual advance. For your friend, he may be seeking to alleviate his hurt by having sex with you. At that point, he may be where many of us find ourselves at various times. Sometimes we feel like what we need is a passionate kiss or a “romp in the hay”. We know that is not spiritual, but sometimes we feel the spiritual way is not what we need or want at that moment.

The point of this post is that whether or not we are the one who is hurting, we must be mindful of seeking spiritual solutions, not something else. I know that sometimes we get tired of all that spiritual talk and that sometimes we desire something more physical. I know that the spiritual way can at times appear elusive and not relevant to our circumstances. I feel you when you feel like shouting, “Enough with all of that spiritual stuff. Just take my pain away!!” But what we often find out after the fact is that the spiritual way is the ONLY way out of the hurt we are feeling. God is not a distant philosophical concept that has no relevance to the problems we face. Instead, He has lasting and pertinent solutions. He promises to set us free and to free us indeed. Let’s hold on to that promise and not be distracted by other stuff when we feel hurt.

Do What You Do

I must admit that I am perplexed by the phrases, “stand still” and “let God be God”. On a conceptual level, I understand the notion of not doing anything (stand still) and acknowledging God’s omnipotence (let God be God) and my limitations. But on a practical level, I don’t know how to “do” those things. In other writings, I have labeled these as “head faith” and “heart faith”.

Head faith is the faith we have been taught about. From an intellectual standpoint, we know about faith and we know we should have faith. Most of us have head faith.

Heart faith is the faith that comes from personal experience. Because you recognize how God has done what He does, we know that we know about faith. Heart faith is the real faith that truly can move mountains. It is also unshakable because it is tied to actual experiences. It not something we have been told, but what we have lived through.

In those times that I am faced with problems that I have no solutions and I have more questions than answers, “standing still” and “letting God be God” tend to be more of a challenge for me. I know (in my head) I should do these things, but knowing them (in my heart) is a different matter.

Here is how I deal with this conflict between head and heart faith.

• I stop trying to figure things out. I accept the fact that if I am going to make it through this situation, it can only be God.
• I accept the spiritual premise that whatever happens is part of God’s plan. If my house goes into foreclosure or my romantic partner leaves me or I lose my job or I fail that final exam, there is something in those experiences that is putting me closer to God’s will for me. Given this view, the “bad” thing that may happen is not the end, but the beginning of something.
• I expect to get up from whatever may knock me down. I may have to live out of my car or struggle with loneliness or collect unemployment or retake that class, but I will not let those things keep me down.
• While I am prepared for the worst that can happen, I keep my eyes open for the miracle. Just maybe that foreclosure won’t happen or maybe my romantic partner decides to stay or they allow me to keep that job or my teacher incorrectly graded my exam. Until the bad thing happens, I am expecting the miracle to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.
• I do what I do. By that I mean whatever God has called me to do, I will continue to do. For me, that is writing. For you, it may be singing or being a good mom or serving as an usher or starting that business or being a faithful boyfriend or girlfriend. Whatever it is (and “it” is usually more than one thing) that defines you, keep doing those things. Yes your mind may be preoccupied with losing that house or having your heart broken or eating ramen noodles or taking that class for the umpteenth time, but you still can do those things that you do. To use a sports analogy, you still continue to do the fundamentals even though you are way behind on the scoreboard.

Some singles try to act like being single is no big deal. But all of us will face challenges that we will not know how to overcome. It is times like those that we will have no choice but to “stand still” and “let God be God”. Bad things do happen to “good” people (good in this case meaning people who try to live according to God’s will) but we still cannot let that be an excuse that keeps us from doing what we do.

No, The Other Way!

Here we are just bopping along in our singleness and things seem to be going well. Can’t you hear the birds chirping, feel the gentle breeze blowing and the sweet smell of summer is in the air? What a great day to be single!

But then, BAM! CRASH! THUMP!

That job that was going so well. For awhile there, we were excited about getting up and going to work. We actually liked our jobs!! Not too many people can say that. But somewhere along the way, the job took a turn for the worse and all we can say is, “No, turn the other way!”

You finally found someone you can be excited about. He or she makes you laugh. They pay attention to what you have to say and they soothe you when you are down. Because of that special person, you have finally begun to exhale. But now what was being madly in love is now just plain old mad. You hate the way things have turned out and all you want cry out is “No, return back to the good times and turn the other way!”

You have been studying hard in this class and you finally seem to be making some headway. What at first looked liked Greek is now starting to make some sense. Okay, you might not get an A in the class, but at least you will pass. But then, you get the result from the last exam and oops, there goes your g.p.a. You are embarrassed, hurt and angry and you sigh, “Please Lord, turn this the other way!”

That person over there used to be your homie, your ace and your confidante. You shared so many secrets and you were each other’s backs when life started tripping. You were like two peas in a pod. But now, your friend is no more and in that person’s place stands someone you now view as your enemy. Although you are angry and you feel betrayed, you can’t help but wonder if it is possible to revive the friendship and get things to turn the other way.

If it is not the job, your romantic partner, your school work or your friend, chances are there will be times in your singleness when you will feel like the worst of life has bum rushed you. Just like the commercial, you will understand what it means when life comes at you fast. In times like these, we may not be bopping as well in our singleness, the birds may be singing a sad tune, the wind may be swirling around you like a hurricane and now life may just stink!

May the God we serve help to open our eyes to what is great about our singleness even when all we feel we can do is cry out “No, Turn The Other Way!”

Great or What?

As I mentioned in the preface to my new book, singleness is different things to different people. But that should not come as a surprise to anyone. The things that stand out about your singleness will be different from what stands out to others and that is okay. But what we all have in common is the capacity to see things from a spiritual perspective.

So, the point of this short post is simple. Will we allow God to show us what is great about our singleness or will we subscribe to another view?

Let Me Count The Ways....

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