It's Sunday Morning

For many of us, as we progress through the week, we look forward to the weekend. We’ve worked hard and gotten out of bed earlier than we would like. The weekend affords the opportunity to slow down a little. But as it often turns out, our weekends can be just as hectic as our workweek.

How about Sunday morning? Do we look forward to that day? Sunday morning should be a time of renewed fellowship with like-minded Christians. We all have gone through our challenges during the week and Sunday morning is an opportunity to reflect on what has happened and become revitalized for what is to come.

It is my prayer that single Christians will look forward to Sunday morning with as much anticipation as they look forward to the weekend. Sunday morning is you and God time! What can be better than that? A direct result of this special time is a renewed understanding of how to better relate to others and a growing awareness of those areas in our lives we need to work on. We should not leave the worship experience as convinced of our false sense of perfection as when we entered! Also, Sunday morning should be a time we look at ourselves and leave the judgments and “holier than thou” sentiments in the sea of forgetfulness.

Thank God its Sunday Morning!

My New Years Resolution For 2006

At the beginning of 2006, I made the resolution to use technology to better connect with people. My intention was to use the internet, emails, the telephone, text messages and whatever else I could think of to establish and maintain more solid relationships. To fulfill this resolution, I sent one-to-one emails (not group or junk emails), text messages, made phone calls, sent personal e-card greetings to people on their birthdays, emailed holiday greetings (Memorial Day, July 4th, Thanksgiving and Christmas) to everyone in my contact list, etc.

So how did I do or more specifically, did I succeed in establishing and maintaining more solid relationships in 2006? If I had to grade myself on my 2006 resolution, I would give myself a D minus. Why so low? Because I was not able to achieve the kinds of improved or deeper relationships I was seeking. One thing I learned about people in general is that most people are not willing to go beyond the surface in their relationships with others. It seems we are all content to have acquaintances, but not real deep friends. I cannot tell you the amount of unreturned phone calls, un-answered emails, dangling text messages and lack of signs of appreciation for e-card birthday greetings I have experienced in 2006. For the most part, the same people who wished me happy birthday before 2006 were the same people who did the same this year. So, my “failure” is the fault of other people, right?

Wrong! I take full responsibility for my lack of success in fulfilling my 2006 resolution. While it would be easy for me to point fingers at others and say they “failed”, I believe the truth lies in the fact that I could have done more. (See my series of posts on “DO MORE” dated the week of December 11th through December 15th). As I reflect on my efforts in 2006, I should have done a better job of letting people know how much I sincerely care for them. (See “Seriously, I Do Care For You” on September 13th). For whatever reason, I was not able to connect in such a way with people that they wanted to connect with me. That is not their problem, but mine. I see myself as a very caring, open and compassionate person, but apparently, I have not expressed those qualities sincerely enough for other people to recognize. So, from this point on, I will try to be even more caring, open and compassionate. I will try to be even more like Jesus in my interactions with people. Pray for me that my efforts in the future will not only lead to more fulfilling relationships, but will also help me to receive a higher grade!

Stuck Like Chuck

On Christmas day, I had the privilege of serving meals to the homeless at the Salvation Army. It was a good experience and one that I think everyone should participate in. The experience was all the more interesting to me because I was employed there as the Assistant Director of Financial Development about five years ago. In that capacity, I was able to meet many of the residents at that time and I have heard many of their stories that led them to their homeless condition.

While serving on Christmas day, I met one person who was a resident of the Salvation Army while I was employed there. Seeing him there that day led me to think that some things never change. But, before I could go too far in pitying him, I also thought about me. How much has changed for me in the past 5 years?

• The amount in my savings account is about the same as it was 5 years ago.
• I am still one or two paychecks away from needing the services of the Salvation Army as I was 5 years ago.
• I did not have a girlfriend then and I don’t have one now.
• I have about the same amount of friends as I did 5 years ago.
• And the list goes on….
  
  

How about you? How many of you are stuck like chuck in your singleness?

• Do you still hold on to the same views of your singleness that you had 5 years ago?
• Are you still as scared of intimacy as you were then?
• Are you still as confused by the actions of the members of the opposite sex as you were in the past?
• Do you still have trouble finding true love as you did 5 years ago?
• Are you still as driven by your fears and your ego as you were in the past?
• And the list goes on….
  
  

Most of us singles can look back on our lives and see that we have not really changed all that much. The number one reason why we have not changed is because of our fears. God has given us the capacity to grow, but many of us are afraid of the process of change. What will we have to let go? What will we have to give up? What demons will we have to face? Often by default, we choose to hold on to what is familiar even though we know that will keep us stuck like chuck.

How crazy is that?

In the upcoming year, let’s resolve to get “unstuck” and leave ole Chuck behind. God is calling us to be more, be better and be different. With His guidance, what is it that we are afraid of?

My Prayer For You is For More Buckets!!

2007 is fast approaching and now is the time to prepare for its arrival. Are you ready for the blessings God has for you? I pray that you will have many buckets to capture each and every blessing that spills from God’s storehouse windows. This is one case when you cannot have too many buckets!

Chances are, you and I want the same things.

• To be in God’s will
• To be prosperous
• To be healthy
• To love and be loved
• To be affirmed
  
  

We want these things so badly that sometimes we can almost touch them, feel them, taste them and hold them. But so many of these things have eluded us at one time or another. Will this be the case in 2007?

My prayer for you is that if God must choose between us as to who will receive these things, that He will choose you. (See “My New Year’s Resolution” dated December 20, 2006) If one of us is to go through another year with their dreams unfulfilled, let that person will be me, not you. If only one of us will prosper in 2007, I ask God to let it be you. If He must choose between you and I as to who will find true love, then I defer to you.

May 2007 be the greatest year of your life, but not as great as the many years to come. My prayer for you today is that God will bless you beyond your expectations and that you will grow into more of what He has envisioned for you to become.

Now, go out there and get some more buckets!

My New Year's Resolution

It’s that time of year again! A time to reflect on another year almost past. A time to ponder what might have been and what should not have been.

This is also a time to look forward to another year of unrealized possibilities. What good things does the New Year have in store? What challenges will rise up? While we acknowledge the potential struggles, we most often expect (and hope for) the upcoming year to be “our year”.

When it comes to New Year’s resolutions, we make promises to ourselves that we sincerely intend to keep at the time we make them. Lose a few pounds. Eat less. Exercise more. Start that business. Find true love. Lose “bad” love. We vow that next year this time, we will be able to reflect on the great strides we have made on staying true to our resolutions. But often, our resolutions end up being trampled on by our good intentions and shifting priorities.

My prayer for you is that whatever your New Year’s resolutions, you will keep them and that you will be a better person because of them.

For me, my resolution this year is not going to be about me. I often talk about a spirit of service that Christian singles should have. Sure I could stand to lose a few pounds. Most definitely I have books I want to publish and businesses I want to start. I am confident that those things will come to pass. However, my focus this year is on making a spirit of service my main trademark when it comes to my interactions with others. So, I will continue to pray for you by name. I will continue to offer encouraging words. I will not stop doing the things for you that I believe God wants me to do for you. But that is not all I resolve to do.

In 2007, my New Year’s resolution is to help at least five people achieve their dreams. There are people out there who have definite plans to accomplish and I want to do what I can to help them. If you have a goal that you have set, I am available to you. I will not impose myself on you by trying to shape your dream. Rather, if you come to me, I will do what I can to make your dreams a reality. So, if you believe I can help you get to wherever you are trying to go, come to me.

Between you, me and God’s purposeful will, 2007 can definitely be your year!

Introducing Jesus

At the end of Steve Harvey’s monologue, “Don’t Trip, He Ain’t Through With Me Yet”, he presents a scenario of how he would introduce Jesus. What a blessed opportunity to be able to announce the appearance of the Son of God! One could not help but experience a mixture of awe, nervousness, fear, pride and joy upon taking on this great task. Harvey’s version of this introduction started calmly but gradually increased in volume and excitement until his climatic praises was matched by the intensity of the audience’s thunderous applause. Only Jesus could get a standing ovation even before He appears on the stage.

For single Christians, we also have the opportunity to introduce Jesus. As great as He is, sometimes He can be presented through seemingly small acts of kindness or soothing whispers of concern. Many people claim to know Him, but very few really have a personal and intimate relationship with Him. But we really know Him, don’t we? Then let’s not shrink from the blessed opportunity to introduce to some and present to others this man called Jesus.

Our voices can be lifted in a passionate expression of praise as we describe our savior and friend. Our hearts may beat a little faster and our breath may get caught up in a whirlwind of emotion. Words may appear inadequate as we try to accurately portray the One responsible for saving our souls. While we recognize that we can never earn His love, we understand that we can try to live up to it. But how can we effectively introduce Jesus to a world desperately in need of His saving power?

Which version of Jesus do we portray to those we interact with?

• When we elevate our egos over the will of God, we present Jesus as our slave
• When we succumb to sexual temptation, we introduce Jesus as too weak to keep us from falling
• When we do more complaining about our circumstances than praising God for His providence, we show Jesus as being wimpy and whiny
• When we refuse to humble ourselves in a spirit of service to others, we demonstrate Jesus as being selfish
• When we are more intent on getting even than on forgiving others and turning the other cheek, we reveal Jesus as being petty
• When our behaviors our guided by worldly conventional wisdom at the expense of our spirituality, we display Jesus as being a fraud
• When we treat our ex-romantic partners as badly as they treated us, we exhibit Jesus as being vindictive
  
  

How is it that the Jesus we learned about in church is so different from the one we introduce in our daily actions, words and thoughts? Perhaps instead of presenting Him, we should apologize TO Him!

"Lord, we are sorry for portraying you in the wrong light. Please forgive us for presenting you as less than what you really are. Our lifestyles should proclaim your greatness, your graciousness, your unconditional love and your keeping power. But the things we do and the way we treat others makes you appear as somebody not worthy to be honored."

My prayer is that Christian singles will submit to God’s will and adopt the kind of lifestyle that will make for an introduction of Jesus that He would be proud of.

Solitude Is Not For Everyone

Because of God’s grace, there are some things He keeps us from having to go through that we are not able to handle. We may think we are as bad as we wanna be and nothing can get the best of us, but most of us are smart enough to know that we are not “all that”. We may never admit it, but there are some challenges or fears or people or whatever that we are no match for. Thank God for His keeping power!

I think solitude is one of those things that some people cannot handle. For those people, they would rather go to the dentist than have to deal with being alone. For these people, they will do all kinds of things to avoid the “curse” of being alone including staying in bad relationships, getting together with old boyfriends or girlfriends who they know are not good for them, wandering aimlessly around public places like the mall or clubs or joining organizations to just be around other people. Hey whatever works!

For me, I spend a lot of time by myself. I admit that it is not always something I voluntarily do, but that is the way things are for me. It’s kind of funny at times that people will not believe me when I say that I spend what I think are inordinate portions of my weekends and holidays alone. They assume that everybody has other people in their lives, but for me that has not been the case for quite some time.

Because I spend a lot of time alone, I spend much time thinking about me or more specifically, what things about me I should change or work on. I also think about what few special relationships I have and those other relationships that showed promised but never really materialized. As a writer, spending time alone has helped me to finish one more chapter, write one more essay and do more research. I thank God that although I am alone and I sometimes feel lonely (there is a difference!), I am able to stay focused on Him and on those things He wants me to do.

No, solitude is not for everyone. If that is not your struggle, then praise God. I pray that you will cherish the relationships you have with family, friends and romantic partners that keep you from being by yourself. If you struggle with solitude, my prayer is that God will help you rise above its clutches.

For all of us Christian singles, we should do what we can to help our fellow singles make it through their times of solitude. All it may take is a short email or a quick call or a genuine hug of affection or a little card sent through the mail to let someone know that they are not really secluded and that you care.

Solitude is not for everyone, but being a genuine friend can be.

Get It? Got It? Good! - DO MORE, Part V

The theme for this week is DO MORE. The challenge before us, if we choose to accept it, is to not settle for our current status, but strive to go beyond that. Some of us may say that enough is already being done and nothing else is left to do. Imagine if God had said that?

• "I created the world, what else do they want?"
• "I made mankind in my image, what else do they need?"
• "I have given them the capacity to grow and develop, what else are they looking for?"
• "I have loved them unconditionally, what else do they want me to do?"
  

But thankfully, He did not say those things. Rather, He chose to DO MORE. Get it, Got it, Good!

Back to the challenge. It's not like there are not any benefits to putting into practice the lessons of DO MORE. More fulfilling relationships is one key positive outcome we can look forward to. I don't know about you, but I am sick and tired of being sick and tired of all of those relationships that left me feeling unfulfilled. So yes, I will take up the challenge to DO MORE. Prayerfully, I will develop relationships with other people of the same mindset. How about you?

Serve Me - DO MORE, Part IV

Why are so many of our relationships full of bitterness, frustration, anger, confusion or pain? The short answer is our pride! Our pride keeps us from:

• Making that call
• Saying we are sorry
• Opening our hearts
• Returning that call
• Telling someone that we love them
• Sending that email
• Buying that gift
• Taking that person out to dinner
• Asking that person for his or her number

It is a shame that we allow our egos to keep us from the many good things that life has to offer. Too many of us place a higher value on our egos than we do on our happiness. What a downright dirty shame!

Service is one of those things that most of us refuse to do. We view service as a sign of weakness or as something that makes us look stupid. What most of us do not realize is that service is an accurate barometer of the Godly love we possess. There is a direct relationship between the amount of Godly love we have and the quality of our spirit of service. Put more simply, the more we love, the more we will serve others. This truism applies to all of our relationships.

So, if you want to DO MORE in your relationship with me, then you must serve me. Even as I write this, I feel “funny” because service tends to make both the server and the person being served feel uncomfortable. Why? Without going into detail, our discomfort with service is also about our pride. We want healthy relationships, but we want to preserve our egos more.

When you serve me, you are demonstrating your level of love for me. If you put more effort in telling me how you will NOT serve me, then you are showing me how shallow your love is. There is no getting around it, Christian singles should serve others more.

In our relationship, as you are serving me, I should be serving you. It is not about keeping score or only serving when being served. Service is something we should offer regardless of what the other person is doing. Healthy relationships are built on mutual service and we all have the right to redefine relationships that do not have this balance. Service is something that we should always offer, but the more intimate the relationship, the more intense the level of service.

So, to DO MORE in our relationships, we have to stop letting our egos mess things up. Aren’t we tired of being involved in interactions with people that leave us tired, frustrated, confused, hurt, embarrassed or angry? That ain’t nothing (apologies to all of my English teachers) but our pride! I pray that all of us will drop-kick pride out of our relationships and learn the blessed benefits of exhibiting a genuine spirit of service.

Get Me (DO MORE, Part III)

Continuing in the mode of my last two posts, I want to talk about how I think we can DO MORE in our relationships. As we look around, all of us either are experiencing or can see others who are experiencing relationships that are not mutually beneficial to the persons involved. A major reason I perceive for this is that many of us are focused on the wrong side of “getting”. We are trying to get love, get revenge, get healed, get sex, get rich, get on top, get over or get by. Each of those “gets” are about you. I know for me and it is probably the same for you, when it comes to platonic, familial or romantic relationships, I want you to GET ME.

Yesterday, I talked about doing a better job of expressing my needs. While my main focus will continue to be on fulfilling your needs, I do need to set aside some of my time and energies to communicate what my needs are. (My opinion is that the split should be 80% focus on you and 20% on me.) If I better communicate what my necessities are, then you will be better positioned to GET ME. What do I mean by GET ME?

• First of all, you have to possess a DESIRE to want to understand me. If you do not have that desire, then we cannot have a healthy relationship.
• Listen to me for understanding when I talk, not to accumulate fodder for arguments.
• Ask me questions about what I have said for the sake of understanding, not debate.
• Don’t put me in a conceptual box based on your experiences. Rather, be open to letting me be what I am.
• Pray that God will reveal Himself to me.
• Pray that God will use you to reveal Himself to me.
• Be willing to serve me in a spirit of Godly love. (Remember, Godly love ALWAYS looks out for what is best for the other person.)
• Don’t view me as a challenge to be overcome, but as another of God’s creations to be loved and honored.
• Don’t limit your thoughts of me to what I can do for you. Let me focus on what I can do for you.
  
  

In my desire to have a positive and healthy relationship with you, I will be doing all of the above for you. In other words, I will be working on GETTING YOU as you will be working on GETTING ME. If we stay true to the notion of GET ME, we will have more satisfying and fulfilling relationships. We both will be affirmed and empowered to be more like what God has envisioned for us to be. Our lives will be enhanced by the very real prospect of being able to DO MORE.

DO MORE, Part 2

In yesterday’s post, I mentioned that this time of the year is one of introspection for me. During this time of thinking and wondering, I have come to realize that I have dropped the ball in many of my relationships. Yesterday, I tried to drive home the point that each of us should work on ourselves instead of pointing out what others are doing wrong. Today, I want to discuss one way that I (and hopefully you also) can DO MORE in our relationships.

As I think about relationships that have begun with a lot of promise, yet ended with those promises unfulfilled, I now see where I have contributed to their demise. In other posts, I have urged all of us to think more about the other person’s needs and stop worrying about our own. I believe that is still the best way to have positive relationships. But, I also understand that I have not done a good job of clearly expressing what my needs are. Most of my interactions with people have gone sour because the “other” person was not meeting my needs. But it really wasn’t their fault because I did not do a good job of telling them what my needs were. There are two problems I see with not letting people know what I need:

1. Even when I do not express them, my needs still exist. As the relationship progressed, those needs went unsatisfied and eventually that leads to bitterness, frustration, a sense of emptiness or confusion. None of these things are good for a relationship! While I was focused on what the other person needed, I wasn’t giving them enough information to fulfill my needs. This is problematic because from their standpoint, everything was going well, but for me there were some things missing from the relationship.
2. People tend to “think” they understand me when in fact; they are way off in their so-called knowledge. Once they feel they have me figured out, they think they understand why I did what I did or said what I said. In essence, their incorrect assessment of me starts the creation of two separate realities concerning me; their view of me and my view of me. These two worlds are more likely to collide than merge in a healthy relationship. While I obviously need to take responsibility for not clearly communicating my needs, the other person needs to own up to forming and stubbornly holding onto what they thought they knew about me. Their stubbornness is really a reflection of their self-centeredness that does not leave room for the real me to come in.
   
   

In new relationships, whether they are platonic or romantic, I am going to do a better job of understanding what my needs are and communicating them to the other person. I will continue to focus on how I can benefit the other person, but in order for the prospective relationship to work, both of our needs should be met. (If I had to put a percentage on them, I would say 80% focus on the other person’s needs and 20% focus on my needs.) In exchange for me trying to be clearer on what I need, it is my hope the other person will not succumb to the temptation to “have me figured out” and truly take the time to get to know me.

If we both can keep up our ends of this potential partnership, then we both will be positioned to DO MORE.

Do More!

The holiday season and the end of the year is a time of reflection for me. As I think about how things are going in my life, I must confess that there is always more I could have done. I could have called more, emailed more, prayed more, smiled more, helped others out more, etc. In short, I understand that I could have done more and I could have been more.

In my relationships with family members, friends, co-workers and others, it is always easy for me to see what more others could have done. But, I am not responsible for what others do or do not do. Besides, making sure I do the right things for the right reasons is a big enoug task to keep me busy. Whether you want to admit it or not, you too must admit to being more willing to place blame on others than accept responsibility for your behavior. All of us are guilty of not being all that God wants us to be.

During this time and throughout the upcoming new year, let's resolve to DO MORE. We Christian singles should focus less on what we think others should be doing and pay more attention to what we can do. Don't wait for someone to call, you call them. Stop waiting for that email, you get the ball rolling in cyberspace. Don't delay greeting others, be the first to say hello. Don't just return others' kindness, initiate it. Lastly, don't settle for an eye for an eye mentality. Be nice, be graceful, be loving even when others are not that way with you.

I sincerely hope that Christian singles everywhere will personally commit themselves to DO MORE.

It's Friday. Is That A Good Thing or Bad Thing?

What does Friday mean to you?

Even more importantly, what does Friday mean to others who you care about? For some, Friday marks the beginning of a weekend full of fun activities with friends, romantic partners and family. This is a day that cannot come fast enough. For others, Friday is just another day of loneliness and isolation. They have no friends, romantic partners nor nearby family to look forward to spending time with.

Be THANKFUL and MINDFUL today.

• Thankful that your weekends are something you look forward.
• Be mindful of those whose weekends are just another painful reminder that they feel alone, isolated and/or depressed. Take the time to brighten someone's day that you suspect may be down in the dumps. Send an e-card or email letting them know you were thinking about them. Call someone you haven't spoken with in a while and let them know you care.

My prayer for you and for those you care for is that your life will be blessed enough that all of you can honestly and gratefully proclaim, THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!

Now That Is What I Call Spiritual!

On Sunday, December 3, 2006, there was an interesting story on CBS’s newsmagazine, 60 Minutes about the ongoing conflict between Tutsis and the Hutus in Rwanda which ended up with three out of every four Tutsi being murdered. The special focus of this 60 Minutes piece was on seven Tutsi women who hid out in a cramped bathroom for 91 days to avoid being massacred by their Hutu tormentors.

At the end of that piece, the CBS person conducting the interview asked one of these women about revenge. Her response was that revenge would only make things worse and when pressed by her interviewer that it would at least feel good, she further added that actually it would not. To confirm her resolve, she even hugged and expressed forgiveness to a Hutu neighbor who killed members of her family and who would have killed her. No to revenge and yes to forgiveness; what a SPIRITUAL answer!

For Christian singles, there is so much to learn here.

• First of all, we Christians need to let go of our spiritual arrogance where we think we are the only ones who can be “spiritual”. The truth of the matter is that the principles of spirituality can be found in various religions outside of Christianity.
• Secondly, we need to recommit ourselves to the expression of true Godly love. Far too often, we lay our so-called “Godly love” down when we encounter others who act in ungodly ways toward us.
• Thirdly, we need to embrace the Christian mandate of forgiveness and of “turning the other cheek”. In our relationships with each other, many of us vow that we will not be played or punked or taken advantage of. Furthermore, we view “turning the cheek” as a sign of weakness. Have we forgotten that the granting of grace and mercy is a major characteristic of our Christian doctrine?
  
  

If this Tutsi woman who survived the worst of what any human would have to endure can forgive and re-establish a healthy relationship with those people who hurt her and her family, how can we not do the same with those we interact with?

• So what he or she stole our romantic partner?
• Who cares that our romantic partner broke our hearts?
• Big deal that someone spread rumors about us?
  

Whatever it is that people do to us, it is our Christian duty to express Godly love and forgiveness. Let’s stop catering to our pride and trying to get an “eye for an eye”. That is so un-spiritual. Doing as Jesus has done in sacrificing His life for us and following His command to love others and “turn the other cheek”, now that is what I call SPIRITUAL!

What You Cannot See

“Whoa! Where did that come from?” Just when you thought your singleness was going great, something totally unexpected and unwelcome happens.

• That ex-romantic partner who broke your heart shows up and wants to rekindle things
• Your boss has found that one last nerve of yours to play like a fiddle
• The friend you thought you could trust lets you down
• Even your faithful dog does not want to have anything to do with you
  
  

“Not now!” you scream. “Today is the worst time for this to happen. Stop this singleness train; I want to get off.” But the beat just goes on. The sun still climbs in the sky, the wind still blows and that stubborn clock just insists on keeping up its annoying ticking.

But take a second look, the answer is everywhere. Because the sun still rises even when you kinda wish it wouldn’t, there is a lesson to be learned there. As bad as your day is, there is something UNSEEN at work that urges you to keep the faith. If the sun can still rise even as all hell is breaking loose, then maybe that same UNSEEN force that controls the sun can shed some light on your situation.

Maybe, just maybe….

Why do you worry about what you CAN see when what really matters is what you CANNOT see? It’s not the sun you need to be in awe of, but the power behind it!

Here’s praying that the invisible God of your single years will allow you to see the blessed effects of His awesome and matchless power on your singleness.

It's Not About You!

I know, I know. You are not one of “those singles” who are weak and wimpy. Somehow, you have managed to avoid those periods of depression or frustration that other singles sometimes experience. I thank God that you have mastered what it takes to be single. How great would it be if we could be just like you?

This posting is not about you. While you have managed to rise above the challenges that other singles face, there are so many others who every now and then:

• Feel so alone because they have no romantic partner
• Feel isolated because they have few TRUE platonic friends
• Feel depressed because the holidays are approaching and they do not have anyone to share them with
• Feel frustrated because they promised themselves that this year they would find true love and that promise has not come true
• Feel angry because no one seems to have the answers to the problems they face
• Feel confused because they seem to be doing everything the right way, yet things still keep turning out wrong
• Feel anxious because the attainment of their dreams seems to be slipping away
  
  

That is why this is not about you. Many of us do not have your strength and confidence. Sometimes we are up and sometimes we are down. We have good days and bad days. There are days when we are the baddest singles out there and there are other days when singleness whips our butts. Out of this mixture of victories and defeats, we are at least learning about the God we serve and our faith in Him grows each time He allows us to make it through. God’s word is true that His grace is sufficient in the midst of our struggles with our “thorns in the flesh”. Because we struggle, we are becoming more familiar with God’s delivering power. In essence, our singleness is more about Him than it us about us because He is the positive difference in our lives.

Because you have this singleness thing figured out, you have nothing to teach us. In your eyes, your singleness is so perfect that look you look down on us as weak and desperate. Now that we think about, thank God that this is not about you.

Pray and Do!

According to a news report on CNN, 1,800 children are diagnosed with HIV/AIDS each day with a majority of them being newborns.

What a way to start life!

Today, particularly during the Christmas holidays, let's be mindful of people who are suffering with this disease. Also, do not forget that one does not have to actually have AIDS to be victimized by it. In fact, many of us who are free of that virus still suffer because of how it impacts people we love.

As Christian singles, let's take the time to pray for the less fortunate, the less healthy, the less wealthy and others who are suffering. On today which is World AIDS Day, let's say a special prayer for those who are infected. And after our prayers, let's do something about all the pain and suffering that we see out there.

Uncashed Checks

Last night, I ran across one of my royalty checks from the sale of my first book that I initially received three months ago. I accidently found it because I was looking for a more recent royalty check. The reason why I had not cashed the older check was because it was so small and because I forgotten that I had it.

Thinking about those two checks led me to think about how we Christian singles leave "spiritual checks" uncashed. We often assume that what God has for us, we are guaranteed to receive. But that is not really true. Sometimes we do not "cash in" on the blessings He wants to grant us. How do we leave God's checks uncashed?

• We allow others to distract us from the blessings God has for us. Those we trust or care about may talk us out of something and we fall for it, hook, line and sinker.
• We choose to listen to our egos instead of the will of God. Some of us are so comfortable with what we THINK we know, that God is wasting His breath when He talks to us. His word just falls on deaf ears.
• We get God's voice mixed up with our own. As we mature, we become comfortable with how things should be or how we will react. For example, if our romantic partner cheats on us, we automatically discard the relationship when it may be God's will that we stay in that relationship. Other examples are when we end platonic friendships rather than try to work things out or when we try to impose our will on other people. Who's in charge here, us or God? Let's learn to discern between our voices and THE voice of God.
• We don't perform the "basic stuff" of Christian walk consistently. We often do not pray or read the Bible or pay our tithes or serve others in the spirit of true humility enough. Thus, we tend to be so consumed with battling "spiritual viruses" that we miss out on the big blessings God has in store for us.
• Sometimes we view the blessings God is offerring us as too small or not worth our effort to "cash" them in. God blesses us with a car, but if it not a Mercedes Benz, we don't want it! Whether we admit it or not, we Christian singles often do that in our family, platonic and/or romantic relationships. Often we spend more time tearing each other down or criticizing each other that it really is a MIRACLE when we form healthy relationships.

There are many more examples, but the point is we have a part to play in this partnership we have with God. Those royalty checks I have not cashed yet have my name on them. But, they do not do me any good if I don't deposit them. The same is true for the many opportunities we squander to be blessed. The more I think aobut it, the crazier it is not to reap the benefits of those checks. Are you being just as crazy by not cashing in on everything that God has signed over to you with your name on it?

Good Singleness, Oh So Good!

In yesterday’s post (See “Bad Singleness, Bad, Bad, Bad” on 11/28/06), I listed some of the things that cause us to have bad days as singles. I ended that post by asking where is God while all of this bad stuff is going on?

Well, where is He?

God is where we are. Many of us are so warped by the pain or disappointment or guilt or shame or anger in our lives that we look for God in the thunder that we hope roars His presence. It is not surprising that we run after the thunder, because it is so impressive. That’s the kind of God we need and want, isn’t it? But God is not “out there” somewhere. Besides, thunder only happens every once in a while. Do we want a God who is here today and gone tomorrow? Thankfully, God is all up in our faces. (See “All Up In Their Faces” on November 27th). He is looking back at us when we see our reflection in the mirror.

So as we understand that God is where we are, we can draw upon His wisdom, His grace, His Sovereignty and His delivering power to help us deal with those dreaded bad days of singleness. God’s proximity to us should affect us in two ways:

1. By understanding that He is near and He is in charge, we can put our bad days in the proper perspective. If we listen to the whispers of God during those times, we may just learn a thing or two. It is always a good thing when we take proper advantage of growth opportunities.
2. When we can view our problems in the proper perspective, we can help others when they are having their bad days. Part of putting our bad days in their proper place is trusting God enough to handle them while we put our attention to helping other singles. Sometimes, the best way to uplift us is to focus on uplifting others.
   

Stop chasing the thunderclouds! God is right here tapping us on our shoulders. He has infused us with the ability to take our lemons and make some lemonade. So during those times of feeling depressed or lonely or ashamed or angry or horny or bitter or confused or victimized, step around the pits of conventional wisdom and the traps of our egos and reach for the sugar of God’s will.

Let the thunder roar and let the lightning flash! Don’t try to put God out there in the raging wind. In the safety and peacefulness of your inner thoughts, that is where He really can be found. When you truly understand that nugget of wisdom, your singleness can be good, oh so good!

Bad Singleness, Bad, Bad, Bad!

Have you ever had one of those days when being single is such a downer? Below are some examples of the "DOWNSIDE" of singleness:

• The holidays are here and you have no significant other to share them with
• The people you find interesting have shown no interest in you
• The people you do not find interesting are the ones showing interest in you
• You seem to have no trouble finding married people who will try to pursue you
• You look around and you see no prospects of ever finding someone to love
• Your heart is so full of love but you cannot find someone worthy enough to share it with
• People who care for you, think they know what you need, but their "help" does not work
• You are horny and you do not see any reasonable prospects of "scratching that itch"
• You are at a point in your life where you want to settle down, get married and have children, but it does not appear like that is going to happen for you
• You have a sense of urgency about new romantic relationships, but your prospective partner does not
• You finally realize that the person you have been giving your heart to has been unfaithful to you repeatedly

In the midst of those days when singleness is bad, oh so bad, we cannot help but wonder, "Where is God?" Tomorrow I will try to address that question.

All Up In Their Faces!!

Christian singles need to be in peoples' faces!

Whether we are talking about family members, platonic friends, romantic partners, co-workers or others we care about, we have to be willing to go beyond the call of duty to be helpful.

• When it comes to bringing people back from the brink of self-destruction, we have to learn to not take no for an answer
• When it comes to loving the most unlovable among us, we have to be stubborn and love them anyhow
• When it comes to refusing to give up on someone who has given up on themselves, we have to repeatedly give them a reason to want to live
• When it comes to expressing Godly love to someone for whom that genuine kind of love is the furthest thing from their mind and heart, we have to love them unconditionally as God has done for us. (Thank God that He stayed all up in our faces!!)
• When it comes to being the ONLY true friend that someone may have, we have to be willing to stand alone for the well-being of that friend

When you have done all you can do, do some more. When you have reached the end of your rope, reach beyond the break. When worldly wisdom says you have done more than enough, look to Godly wisdom to help you keep doing what God wants you to do. When it seems like the only thing left to do is to retreat and let things run their course, resolve to chart a new course for that person in need.

When we love like we should, it should not be about our convenience nor is it about what makes sense to us. There is too much pain, bitterness, depression and defeat out there for us to fall back on "Oh well, at least I have tried." Even when those we try to help pushes us away (for the umpteenth millionth time), for their sakes, get back up all in their face!

Black Friday For Single Christians

Today is what is referred to as "Black Friday". This official first day of the holiday shopping season has earned this nickname because this is the day that many businesses that were operating "in the red" or at a loss, now anticipate operating "in the black" or generating profits.

This day, it is every shopper for themselves. Old ladies will get elbowed, little children will get trampled, women will be shoved and men will be punked, all in the pursuit of a much sought after Christmas gift. I guess Jesus will have to wait until December 25th for us to get into the true spirit of Christmas. Surely we will remember HIM on that day, right?

This can be "Black Friday" for Christian singles too. Many of us have been operating at a deficit when it comes to how we have interacted with others.

• We have not always treated others as we should.
• We have said things we should not have said.
• We have gone places we know we did not have any business going.

But we can begin to start operating "in the black" by rejecting the selfish notion of everything being about us. Rather, let's focus on making everything about the other people in our lives. No more shoving, pushing or elbowing others to get our way. Today, let's take one for the team! Get pushed and elbowed and instead of delivering them. By that I mean, let's go about helping others in the spirit of Godly love, even if it means we have to endure a little pain or rejection. God made the sacrifice on our behalf, now is the time to follow His lead in our relationships with others.

Instead of making this a day where the profits of businesses are increased, let's begin this holiday season by advancing the cause of Christ through our thoughts and actions.

You Better, Me Better

One of the goals I think everyone should have including Christian Singles is to live in such a way that the people we interact are "ENABLED" to be better people.

• We should submit to God's will and be willing to be His instruments of the fulfillment of His will in the lives of others
• We should pray for people we know and love by name and those prayers should relate to their specific circumstances
• We should love others as God loves us. God's love ALWAYS improves us and His love in us should do the same for others.
• We should trust God enough that our focus is on helping others without being distracted by trying to help ourselves. God helps those who help others.
• We should always be willing to put our love into action in a spirit of service. Let's stop expressing fake love and let's start expressing the REAL stuff!

By doing these things, we are positioning others to improve and become better. Forget all of that other stuff we have been taught about the goals of our relationships. If the people we interact with are not better after having been in a relationship with us, then how can we claim to be true children of God?

Holiday Break?

Just in case you didn't know, fat calories do not count during the holidays. So, you can eat, eat and eat some more without worrying about gaining weight or making yourself less healthy.

Here's the bad news. Sin still does count. We do not get any "free passes" on the wrong things we do just because it is the holiday season. Never forget that the things we do can cause people to feel hurt, bitter, angry, scared, ashamed or depressed. So let's be careful about what we say or do out there!

In fact, may I suggest that we try to be even more vigilant about doing the right things during this time of the year?

• Take the time to volunteer one morning or afternoon at The Salvation Army
• Take someone out to lunch or dinner who you know has had a rough time recently
• Put an extra five dollars in the offering basket at least once during the holiday season
• Commit a random act of kindness to someone without expecting anything in return
• Try to restore a relationship that went bad, even if it means you have to apologize for the part you played in its demise
• If you are dating someone, set aside a day where you cater to them and make them feel special

Here's hoping and praying that the calories don't add up and the "sins" don't accumulate during this holiday season.

Ask, Don't Command

Today, let's keep this simple. In our interactions with each other, let's stop demanding so much!! Who died and left us king or queen?

As we relate to our family members, friends, others singles, romantic partners or co-workers, let's concentrate more on how we can help them and less on how they can help us. And when we just HAVE to get a need or desire of ours met; ask, but don't command.

God is the only one who has the right and the ability to command us and even He asks us to follow His will. While we can appreciate a God that does not go around demanding stuff from us, we ought to show this appreciation by doing less commanding and more asking of each other. By staying humble, we make our singleness more enjoyable and stress free.

Is that too much to ASK?

It Ain't Smelly Feet!

We have things so twisted!!

For most of us, serving others is a sign of weaknesses. But we Christian singles are called to a life of service. Jesus gave us the example by washing his disciples' feet. (In those days, washing feet was a nasty job.) But Jesus, the exalted son of God washed his disciples' nasty, smelly feet!!

Who would have thought that being a Christian could be so nasty?

Well, we don't have to LITERALLY wash each others' feet, do we? No, but we should definitely have a spirit of service.

• What's wrong with offering to wash a friend's car while he or she studies for the upcoming exam?
• Wouldn't it be nice to help a friend move into a new house or apartment?
• When was the last time you volunteered to babysit a single mom's children so she could have a few hours to herself?
• Why do we cringe at the thought of fixing a plate of food and bringing it to our romantic partner?

These are examples of how we can serve and help to make other people's lives easier. So Christian singles, today is as good as any day to get out there and serve somebody in the spirit of Godly love. Besides, whatever way you choose to serve others, it can't be as bad as washing somebody's smelly feet!

When Does It Get Better?

We are all a part of something. We are members of families, churches, schools, places of business, social organizations and we are involved in a variety of relationships. God has charged us with making better those things, people and relationships that we are involved with.

When does it get better?

I hope that Christian singles are submitting themselves to the Holy Spirit to the extent that:

• Members of our families are clearer on God’s will for their lives
• Our platonic friends are increasingly becoming more emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy
• Our romantic partners are consistently growing toward their God-ordained potential
• Others in our social and career circles are better off for having us in their lives
  

It is a downright shame that people we know and/or care for are only experiencing positive changes in their lives AFTER we are gone. It is God’s will that we be part of the solutions in the circumstances of others and not part of the problem. God has promised to make things better for all of us. It is our choice as to the role we will play in the fulfillment of this promise. By being faithful to God’s calling in our lives, we single Christians can step forward when the question is asked; “When does it get better?”

Imbalanced

In honor of the new Martin Luther King, Jr Memorial....

I do not know if this is an original quote from Dr. King or if it should be attributed to someone else, but one of the things he said is, "There is some good in the worst of us and some bad in the best of us."

I encourage all Christian singles to make sure their lives are IMBALANCED! How and why?

How

• Acknowledge our imperfections
• Be willing to apologize when you are wrong
• Strive to become a better person
• Be the kind of person who enables others to become better (not by judging, but by example)

Why

• God's desire is that we exhibit more "good" qualities and work on erasing as many "bad" qualities
• Life is much more enjoyable when we are "good" with each other
• We all have enough problems and issues, so why add to them by being "bad"?
• In the short and long-term, we are responsible for the combination of goodness and badness (Is that a real word?)

Being "BALANCED" in the context of the above quote is not a good thing. Instead of leaning toward the "BAD" end of the scale, let's lean, lean, lean more to the other side.

Where Is Your Ripple?

We are all interconnected and that is not by accident. God created us with the capacity to affect and be affected by other people. Every action and each word causes a reaction in others. Sometimes those reactions are so small that they are barely noticeable. Other times, reactions are so large that they are as visible as the sun on a cloudless day. We live in a sea of existence that is constantly stirred by the ripple effects of the things we do and by the words we speak.

For single Christians, we should be mindful of the impact we have on those we interact with. It is not enough to say, “That was not my intention….”. What difference does it make if we do or say things that hurt when that affect was not our goal? The hurt is still there. Hiding behind our seemingly innocent aims is nothing but a weak excuse when the outcome of our behaviors or words bring anger, frustration, bitterness, fear or depression. Our goal should be to make sure our INTENTIONS as well as our WORDS and DEEDS reflect the positive effects of the Holy Spirit working in our lives.

Where is your ripple? I pray that your journey of singleness is one that brings healing not hurt, joy not sadness, light not darkness, growth not decline in the lives of those whose paths you cross.

Stop In The Name Of Love

Every now and then, people will question by what authority we do what we do. For single Christians, the answer should be "LOVE".

Love is the only thing I know of that is all positive. There are no drawbacks to love. However, there are ways we can misuse it, but love in and of itself is all good.

If we acted under the authority of LOVE, we would experience healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

• Family members would get along better
• Platonic friends would develop deeper, more stable friendships
• Romantic partners would experience long-lasting blissful love
• Co-workers would exist in a better work environment

But, we must remember that LOVE does not happen by accident. It requires conscious and dedicated effort and committment. It also means the elevation of the needs of others over our needs. Furthermore, it means placing a higher priority on the building of healthy relationships than on the servicing of our egos and the feeding of our fears. Love is always about somebody or something other than me. (It is always outward flowing, never inward.)

So today, let's live by the spirit behind the phrase "STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE"

The Worst Thing God Can Say To Me

Perhaps it is a testament to my growing relationship with God that I can admit to certain moments of discomfort with some of our interactions. I do not think it is blasphemous to say that there are times when I don't like what God has to say to me.

But as I reflect on who He is and how so unlike Him I am, I can put my "complaints" about the words from God in the proper perspective. God being who He is, shows understanding of my wariness at times and patiently lets me get things off my chest. I believe that since I usually go along with His program and agenda even when I have my reservations, He tolerates my moments of weaknesses. If I were to couple my complaints with disobedience, then I believe He would be less forgiving about my questions.

For me, the worse thing God can tell me is to WAIT. I can handle pretty much everything else, but waiting is a challenge. For you, patience may not be the worst thing God can say, but I suspect there is something you would rather Him not say to you.

As you deal with your "dreaded words from God" and as I deal with mine, let's not forget that usually on the other side of those words is a blessing. Not just for us, but for others we interact with. The more I think about the worst thing God can say to me, I increasingly realize that they are not so bad after all.

The More Important Thing

In our relationships, we often elevate our own views and habits at the expense of others'. We have developed a comfort level of how things "work" and we assume that those we relate to will see it that way too.

• "I may not say it, but you will know I care for you through my actions."
• "I may not show it, but you will know I care for you because I say it."
• "If you are nice to me, then I will be nice to you."
• "If it comes down to choosing between my pride or my relationships with you, I will always choose my pride."
• "Because it makes me vulnerable, I will not tell you how much I care for you. That is something you should just know."
• "If how I feel for you changes, I will not tell you, but you can tell from my actions."

Let's look at God's example. He did not choose His pride over a relationship with us. He not only TELLS us He loves us; He SHOWS it as well. He was willing to come outside of His comfort zone to prove His love for us.

In our relationships, romantic, platonic or otherwise, let's not discard them. Rather, let's do all that we can (and more) to nurture them. Whether we want to admit it or not, it's not about our pride or fears. Moreover, it is not about always being right or our partners always being wrong. None of that stuff really matters. Our relationships are the more important thing.

Guilty of Misquoting God?

Far too often, we have assumed the Bible takes a particular stance on various issues. Homosexuality is a good example of this. Is the Bible really all that clear on whether or not homosexuality is morally wrong?

Many of us have strong opinions when it comes to that issue and I suppose that is our right. But let's make sure we are clear on what the Bible says and that we don't proclaim what we WANT the Bible to say.

On any issue, follow these steps to develop a clear understanding of the Bible's stance:

• Identify the particular scriptures of relevance. (How many times have we said something like, "I don't know where it is in the Bible exactly, but I KNOW it's in there"?)
• Develop a true understanding of what the author of those scriptures was saying. We will often be surprised to find out that what we thought was the main point actually is not.
• Try to understand the context of the scripture as well. Often, we wrongly interpret scripture because we really do not understand the context.
• Acknowledge your biases but try to do your best to set them aside in search for the actual truth in the scripture.
• Even when you are convinced the Bible condemns certain behaviors, always remember that all of us need grace and mercy moreso than we need justice.

The last thing we want to do is distort our spiritual understanding of issues by blatantly misquoting God.

It's Not That Serious!

I am a big football fan. I look forward to Sunday afternoons when I can enjoy a full day of professional football and a plate full of pancakes. That is a "tradition" that I have been following for over 20 years.

Does this mean that I am not available as a friend on Sunday afternoons? Certainly not! While I treasure being able to watch a good grid iron contest (or sometimes it is the television that ends up watching me), I care for you enough as my friend to be there for you when you need me. Even if it is during one of my prized lazy Sunday football afternoons. I am a definitely a fan, but it is not that serious!

It is my prayer that we all will be willing to "sacrifice" some of our much anticipated pleasures to talk with and/or help out others. Football is just a game, but whatever challenges you may be facing on Sunday afternoon, now that is some serious stuff!

My Birthday - Isn't That SPECIAL?

Yesterday, November 3rd was my birthday. So what? Big Deal!

My birthday was special to me, but for most people, November 3rd is just another day. Is there a spiritual lesson we can discover from this? Of course!

God made each of us and that fact alone makes us special. But, as we go about this business of living, we must make a point to elevate the "specialness" of other people. Why? Because God loves us and He does nothing to diminish who we are. Even at the risk of being hurt by our spiritual callousness, God CHOSE to love us. If God is willing to put Himself at risk by loving us, then we should be willing to take on the same risks by loving each other. There are many aspects of Godly love, but the main one for today is the notion of loving others without diminishing them. Often, we have "loved" people with the real motivation behind our so-called love being getting something from them or fulfilling our need for power or dominance or manipulation.

Thinking about my birthday helps me to remember that other people have special days and we all are special in our own God-given ways. Thus, our journey of singleness should focus on affirming the "specialness" of others, since that is what God has done for each of us.

In short, we should treat everyone as if that day is their birthday as a way of recognizing the special qualities God has placed in them.

Halloween Prayers

Halloween is a day that many Christians do not honor nor celebrate. But, as I was thinking about that day, I was moved to make mention of two segments of our society that often goes unnoticed.

SINGLE MOMS - Halloween is a time in which they serve as tailors, drivers, candy bag stuffers, trick or treat greeters, "Mommy, I'm sick from eating all this candy" healers, creative artists while also performing their normal duties as cook, washer, disciplinarian, etc. Let's remember all of the single moms out there everyday, not just on Halloween.

"Lord, remember all of the single moms out there who are carrying the burden of single parenthood without the support (emotional, physical and financial) of their childrens' fathers. Bless them and enable them to keep their head to the sky."

WANNABE MOMS - There are some single women who would love to become mothers. For whatever reason, motherhood has eluded them. Many of them have not given up hope, but they cannot help but wonder if becoming a mother is in the cards for them.

"Lord, bless all of the single women out there who long to become mothers and allow them to grow in their understanding of what your will is for them."

I Like You Because I Trust God

You don't kmow me well enough.

Has anyone ever said that to you after you have expressed a romantic interest in them?

Here is my response to that.

I like you and I am interested in you because I trust God. Based on what little I know about you, I believe we are a good match for each other. But more importantly, I trust that God will let me know if what I THINK I see in you is incorrect. And so far, He has not sent any warning signs about you.

So the reason why I like you is because I trust God.

Thoughts of God and Thoughts of Her

Thoughts On God

I wonder what He is doing right now. Is He thinking of me? Would He be pleased with the things I am doing? Does He treasure our relationship as much as I do? Is He thinking of ways we can move our relationship forward? What are some possible ways I can let Him know that I care?

Thoughts On Her

I wonder what she is doing right now. Is she thinking of me? Would she be pleased with the things I am doing? Does she treasure our relationship as much as I do? Is she thinking of ways we can move our relationship forward? What are some possible ways I can let her know that I care?

My prayer today is that I will always find ways to ponder my relationship with God at least as much as I ponder a possible relationship with "her". May my thoughts of "her" always be accompanied by my thoughts of Him and may I never have one without the other.

Listen More, Talk Less

How many of us have described ourselves as good listeners?

But are we really? We all have strong opinions about a variety of subjects and we all want a chance to have our say. When someone is expressing their strong opinions, do we really listen to learn or are we listening in preparation for our rebuttal?

Or when someone is trying to explain why their day was so bad, do we listen with empathetic ears or are we silently thanking God that it is them and not us?

Most of us have a desire to be heard and a desire to say what is on our minds. However, I think true friendship is built on being able to listen properly more than saying things. As Christian singles, let's take the time to listen more and speak less. Our relationships, platonic, romantic, career related or otherwise, will be the better for it.

The Gift Of Time

Sometimes when we meet a person that we think may be "THE ONE", we try to rush things forward. When is the right time for our first hug? Our first touch? Our first kiss? Are we at a point where we can place a label on our relationship?

Usually, one person and/or the other in the relationship have been hurt and in the zeal to avoid future pain, they want to take things slow. While we may be tempted to get things moving a little quicker, if we are truly trying to express Godly love, then we should offer our prospective partner the gift of time. God did not rush when He created us, so what makes us think we know better than He in our relationships? Slow down and give the other person time to process their thoughts and feelings. Encourage them to ponder how a relationship with you will benefit them. If they are as spiritually grounded as you, God will also whisper words of encouragement on your behalf. And if the relationship is to be, then the foundation on which it rests will be more stable.

As the first token of your growing love for your prospective partner, give him or her the gift of time.

The Fear of Not Being Enough

Very few of us will actually admit that we have fears. But just between you and I, we all have them and they exert a greater influence than we want them to.

One such fear is the fear of not being enough. When we met someone, we are excited about the prospects of finally finding true love. But, because we have been hurt so many times before, we temper our excitement and we try to play it cool. The truth of the matter is our "coolness" is often a cover for our fear. In order to avoid being hurt again, we urge ourselves to be calm and to not go overboard. Additionally, when we meet someone who seems to meet many of our "standards", we fear that we may not measure up to theirs.

Fear is not always a bad thing. It can help us to focus our attention on those things that can potentially cause us harm. What makes our fears negative is when we allow it to make us see things that are really not there and this causes us to become "paralyzed". Bottome line, fear often causes us to act against our own best interests.

Today, let's name our fears and then face them. If we truly believe in an all powerful God, then what is out there that should cause us to be afraid? God made us and He has given us the capacity to grow, so let's overcome the fear of not being enough.

300 Million and Counting: Where You At?

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, today (October 17, 2006) is the day the United States population will reach 300 million people. Is this a cause for celebration or worry?

What does this mean for Christian singles? It would be interesting to note how many of those 300 million are:

• True Christians (not just professing Christianity, but practicing it also)
• Single looking for love and marital bliss
• Single but too fed up with being hurt and games being played to look for love
• Single and happy about it to the extent you do not want to change your status quo

Whatever category you find yourself in, take the time to celebrate this population milestone but also to ponder where your place is in this growing sea of people. Are you living in such a way that you are having a positive impact on your circle of family, friends, co-workers, community and utlimately the world?

When it comes to your place in the world; where you at?

Let's step up to the challenge of making the most of our singleness not only for our benefit, but also for the good of those we interact with.

That's My Final (and Short) Answer

The more research I do for the books I write, the more I am convinced that there is a short answer for all of the problems we face. That should be good news to many of you who are looking for "short answers" to their challenges.

Godly love, people, that's my final (short) answer!

Godly love is not always the obvious answer to the questions or problems many Christian singles face:

• How can I live a celibate life in the face of so much sexual temptation?
• How can I keep from going off on my romantic partner who seems committed to breaking my heart?
• What do I do when I feel so lonely and isolated?
• Why can't I find someone special to love and eventually marry?
• Why do I always make bad choices when it comes to romance?

These and other questions beg practical answers or we may just lose our minds. What in the world does Godly love have to do them? Trust me, follow this pattern and allow God's love to work:

1. Love God with all of your heart, mind and soul.
2. Love yourself as God would have you to love yourself.
3. Love others as God would have you to love them.

That's it! What else are you looking for? If you want to find real practical answers to the challenges in your life, get out there and start putting into practice God's short and final answer.

Knowing Too Much About God

Can we really ever know too much about God?

Well, I guess not, but I do think we can ACT like we know too much about Him.

Specifically for Christian singles, how can we act like we know too much about God?

• By presuming His grace and mercy - Sometimes we almost dare God to not extend His grace and mercy. We are getting ready to do something we know is wrong, but we choose to do it anyway because we presume God's forgiveness.
• By doing the opposite of what we should do - Going to church is a prime example of this. Sometimes, we just make a decision to not go to church or pay tithes or even say hello because we don't want to. We claim that "God knows our heart" as if that excuses our behavior.
• By not being a living witness to God's goodness - Since we are so familiar with God, we just assume others are as well or we don't really care if they are or not. Thus we take proper advantage of sharing the good news of God's love with others. It's like winning a multi-million dollar lottery and keeping that news (and the money) to yourself. Now that is just selfish!

Starting today, let's start living like there is so much more to learn about God and it is partly our responsibility to educate others about Him also. By doing that, we can learn a thing or two about this magnificent God we serve.

Just Watch The Dog, Man!

The other day, a friend of mine asked me to babysit her dog for a few days while she attended an out of town conference. Now anyone that really knows me should realize that me and pets don't mix. This benign hostility I hold toward pets is strange given the fact that as a child growing up in New Jersey, we always had several dogs (all outside) that were part of our family. In fact, for some strange reason, my father appointed me as the official provider of food and water for the dogs. So, it would seem that I would LOVE pets, but that is not the case.

Anyway, my reluctance to care for her dog also highlights some lessons to learn about friendship.

• We cannot always pick HOW we are going to be a friend, sometimes we have to step out of our comfort zone to help someone in need.
• Friendship is not about convenience. In fact, inconvenience is a test of how committed you are to being a friend.
• Friendships should not be based on our first impulse. For me, when I was asked to babysit her dog, my first impulse was "No Way!".
• Following the example set by God, we should not only love each other, but we should be willing to go out of our way to demonstrate our love. Trust me, babysitting that "thing" that goes by the name of Miles is REALLY going out of my way!
• Being a true friend also means being willing to ask for help. I do not know how many people my friend asked to babysit Miles before or after she approached me, but I like to think that one reason she asked me is because she considers me her friend. When we are in need, being a friend means to trust our friends enough to ask for their help

So many lessons from being asked to watch a dog for a couple of days! Wanna guess what I decided to do?

More Stuff, Less Connection

Okay, today is my day to gripe about something. Why is it that we are less connected when there is so much technological communications STUFF! To reach each other, we have:

• Telephone, land line and cell
• Email
• Instant messages
• Blue tooth (What the heck is that?)
• Postal mail
• Beepers (Do people still use them?)
• and many others I don't even know about

But, how often do we initiate or receive contact with people with the goal of truly connecting to them? Booty calls and hooking up, don't count, because they tend to be temporary. Pick up the phone! Email somebody! Blue tooth someone (if that is the correct phrase). And when you do reach the person, say something that will bring you genuinely closer.

God wants us to not just be aware of each other, but to connect. Make it a point of making someone smile today. Don't go to bed until you have uplifted someone who may down. Take proper advantage to witness about God's goodness.

Let's reverse the status quo of "more stuff, less connection".

Still Single Today? Try This.

I woke up this morning and discovered that I am still single! So now what do I do?

"Lord, help me to make the most of my singleness today. Help me to be a source of inspiration for your people. May I use the talents and abilities you have allowed me to acquire to uplift others. I ask you to help me to use my singleness to be a blessing to everyone I interact with, particularly other singles."

My goal for today: How can I use my singleness as a means to clarify the will of God to others?

Say My Name!!

Look around you. Do you see what I see? No matter if you view the glass as being half full or half empty, there is no denying that things are getting pretty bad out here.

What about you? If you are like me, you have good days and you have bad days. To be truthful, I have made some decisions that have resulted in some of my days turning negative. Yeah, other folks contributed to my tough times, but I have to take responsibility for my actions and choices.

So, can you do me a favor? When you pray, say a few words on my behalf. Now, don't just put me in one of your global prayers. I need alittle more attention than that. Take a little extra time to mention me specifically. All I am asking is that when you pray, say my name.

If we Christian singles did more spiritual name calling in our prayers, I am convinced that the glass will actually become more than half full.

You Can't Tell?

"May the life I live speak for me...."

I wonder how many of us Christian singles can accept the challenge implied in the above words to a song?

As we go about our business of living and breathing and relating, how different is our "living" from non-Christian singles?

• Are we engaging in sexually immoral activities as much as non-Christians and with as much defiance?
• Do we show a markedly higher level of GENUINE concern when people we know about and care for are suffering?
• Are we just as likely to "lay our religion down" and cut someone or cuss them out as people who have not claimed Jesus as their Lord and Savior?
• Do we abuse our bodies (aka our temples) through poor eating habits, lack of exercise and risky behaviors as much as others?

When you look at me and you observe my behavior and the quality of my relationships, do you have difficulty noticing how different I am from "the people of the world"? I take it as a personal challenge to be more like Christ in my singleness and less like those persons who have yet to accept Jesus as the head of their lives. My prayer is that you will step up and answer this challenge as well.

Yes, I am a saved Christian single. You don't have to ask it and I shouldn't have to say it with the words from my mouth. Look at my actions and decide from that if you can tell.

Real or Imagined

Being single, now that is real. Sometimes singleness is a good real thing and sometimes it is a bad real thing. But no doubt, it is REAL!!

What about God? Is He as real to us as our singleness? Or do we put God in a special imaginary place when the stuff hits the fan? What stuff, you say?

• Loneliness - Feelings of isolation can lead us to question if God really exists or if He really cares
• Sexual Temptation - When confronted with sexual desires, we often treat God like this is one of those things that He best not know about.
• Jealousy - Instead of praising God for the blessings He has granted other singles, we sometimes wonder why them and not us.
• Concern - Far too often, we are more concerned about our struggles to give a darn about what others are going through. Our plea is, "God, pay attention to me, not them!!"

In our interactions with each other, we declare whether or not God is real or imagined. If our singleness is real, why would we want to serve a God that is just a figment of our imagination?

Is This A Date?

Your response of “yes” to my suggestion that we go out has now left me with something else to ponder. I cannot help but wonder if I you are as unclear as I am about what our excursion means. It is so ironic that we both serve a God that knows everything, but yet you and I know so little. Are we afraid that our appointment is not just an outing, but also an opportunity? Fear of your answer keeps me from asking the obvious question that common sense is begging me to pose. Maybe you can see its shadow betraying my façade of self-confidence. Or perhaps you can hear a whisper of doubt causing a slight crack in my voice. Now that I think of it, you seem like there is something you want to ask me.

Now this is a crying shame that two grown folks like you and I cannot find the courage to ask such a question as, “Is this a date?”

Men, Say It Good!

One of the things that is becoming quite clear to me is that we men are not talking enough. To make a bad situation even worse, I think that most of the stuff we say is pretty much nonsense. A common complaint of women I speak with is that on matters of importance to them, men are largely silent. However, on matters that do not rank high on women's lists, men are talking too much!

Come on men, say something and say it GOOD!

We Christian single men need to let our Christian single women know what is on our minds. Whether they admit it or not, women are craving to hear something worthwhile come from our mouths. As the spiritual leaders that God has called us to be, we have the authority to speak many blessings on ourselves as well as on the social circles we operate in. God is looking to us Christian men to reveal His will to His people. Because of this Divine expectation, the world needs to hear what we have to say, but most importantly, so do our women.

Shout Out To The Tallahassee People!!

This past weekend (9/22-9/24), I had the opportunity to conduct a singles conference with a group of excited and engaging singles in Tallahassee, Florida. Just want to let you guys know that I truly appreciate your spirit and energy. (Actually, it was mostly "gals", but ain't nothing wrong with that from where I sit!!) We covered alot of stuff, but I hope that enough of what we discussed "sticks". Know that my prayers are with you as you continue on the road from singleness to blessedness.

Now stay in touch!

The New Singles Phenomenon

Did you know that there are more single people (26% of US population) in the United States than there are married people with children? (25%) (See “More Americans Than Ever Are Making The Most of Being Unmarried and Independent" by Pam Kelley in the Charlotte Observer on Feb. 9, 2004)

What are the implications of this fact? Below are several facts that I believe should draw the attention of Christian leaders and churches:

• If current trends continue, many people will enter their golden years without ever having been married.
• Given the absence of marriage many current singles will experience, the importance of platonic and non-romantic relationships becomes even more important. To replace the emotional support and nurturing usually provided by husbands and wives, what is the quality of our platonic relationships?
• Families, friends and churches will be taking on an increasing role in the support of elderly unmarried people. In the absence of this support, the government will be challenged to step in. Will the churches and the goverment appropriately respond to this call?
• Our churches will see its membership rolls to be comprised of more and more elderly never married people. Progressive churches will find ways to better minister to this growing population and these same churches will also find ways to benefit from this phenomenon.
• If the saying that two incomes are better than one holds true, a growing number of churches will see their tithing/offering income decline as the percentage of never married elderly people increases in these churches.
  

Each of the factors listed above can pose problems to be dealt with or opportunities to grow from for many local churches. For Christians everywhere, we have been given many gifts and talents and now is the time to apply them in turning this new singles phenomenon into blessings.

God would expect nothing less from us.

Technology And The Search For Love

In 2003, at least half of all singles in the U.S. visited an online dating site, spending over $300 million in the quest for love. (“For 5000 Singles, eHarmony Was The First Step Down The Aisle; Poll Revelas That 88% of Users Are Looking For Life Long Mate.” Business Wire, March 8, 2004)

Okay, I admit it; I have been tempted to try online dating services. But with my lack of success in the old fashioned way of dating and I am not alone in my unsuccessful dating experience, what does that say about the times we live in? We have so many more ways to connect with each other (phone, internet, cell phones, two-ways, text messaging, etc.), yet we seem to be less in touch. Is technology the answer?

Should Christian singles jump on the technology bandwagon?

What Kind Of Friend Are You?

What kind of friend are you? Many of us think we are great people to have as a friend. But is that really true? Below are some suggestions on how you can become a better friend to those you care about.

• Pray for people by name and pray for their specific situation.
• Take the time to be a better listener than you are a talker.
• Be someone that others can trust with their secrets.
• Call or email someone you have not made contact with in awhile. Your contact may make someone's day and uplift their spirits.
• Go out of your way to be considerate, even when it is inconvenient.
• Always try to be constructive, not destructive in your observations about people.
  Never entertain rumors about your friends.
• Put as much effort into building platonic friendships as many singles put into finding romantic partners.
• Surprise a friend by taking them out to dinner or offering to pay their way to a movie. Do it with no expectation of payback.
• Strive to achieve the kind of friendship that David and Jonathan (from the Bible) shared.

May 2006 be a year of great friendships for Christian singles everywhere.

Losing A Close Friend

I was just informed that a close friend of mine has just passed away. I have many thoughts running through my mind and I know that I will need time to fully process this.

Oddly enough, the first thought that comes to mind is to remind myself that her death is not about me. The reason for this thought is that as I reflect on the loss of my friend, I immediately began pondering what I will miss about her and the things I did not get to say to and do with her. But how selfish can I be? It is not about me. She was the one who spent the last three months in and out of the hospital. It was she who had to deal with the fact that her health took a turn for the worse over the Christmas holidays and she was kept from spending quality time with her family. She was the one who already lost a husband and now leaves behind children and many friends who cared very deeply for her.

How can I make her death about me?

Lord receive my friend and give her sweet rest from all of the pain and discomforts of this world. She worked tirelessly for others and even to death, she suffered in silence. Forgive me for dishonoring her memory by thinking about my loss and help me to better treasure the relationships I still have left to enjoy.

Loneliness Stops Here!!

A recent headline read, "New research shows that loneliness can add 30 points to a blood pressure reading for adults over the age of 50." Sounds kind of like Genesis 2:18, doesn't it? "It is not good that the man should be alone;...." (KJV) What both the news headline and the cited scripture seem to suggest is that prolonged feelings of loneliness are not good for our physical health.

As Christian singles, we should make it our responsibility to come to the aid of people we know who may be feeling lonely. How can we help to reduce the feelings of loneliness that people are experiencing?

• Be sincere in your concern for other people. Often people feel lonely because they feel that people really are not interested in their well-being.
• Take the time to have meaningful conversations with people. Sometimes all a lonely person needs is someone to engage him or her in a pleasant conversation.
• Greet everyone that you can as much as possible. Saying hello does not take alot of energy, but it can go along way toward brightening up someone's day.
• Spread genuine smiles. Genuine smiles are contagious. When people see you smile, they automatically feel the urge to smile themselves. Maybe that is all they need to feel less and less lonely. The more a person is surrounded by genuine smiles, the less lonely and depressed they will feel.
• Remember that we all have our moments of lonelieness. Look for signs that someone is having one of those days and do what you can to uplift them. Also, be open to allowing other people to uplift you when you ar down.
• Pray for people and their specific situations. Christian singles should believe in the power of prayer and their prayers should reflect their love for all of God's children.

Loneliness is not only a downer emotionally, it can have negative effects on our health. Let's do what we can to make sure those we know and those we care about are not doubly victimized by the loneliness in their lives.

Why Am I Still Single?

Why am I still single? Although irritating to hear at times, this seems like a reasonable question.

Am I single because God has called me to be single at this time? If so, my prayer is that I will grow in my understanding of how He wants me to use my singleness to bless others.

Or am I single because of some bad (or shall we say ill-advised) decisions in my life? For most of us singles, this is really the answer to the question of why are we still single. Here my prayer is that God will help me to grow in such a way that I will learn from my past and position myself to receive all of the blessings He has for me.

However you answer the question for you, there is an opportunity for you to get even more in tuned with what God's will is for you.