That’s My Momma!

Much has been written of the plight and struggles of single mothers. There are some who look with condemnation at the existence of mothers who are raising children without the benefit of a marriage partner. Often, these same people will use these single mothers as poster board material for what is wrong with the American family. Others take a less condescending view of single motherhood. These people express more sympathy than outrage at these women who have to play the dual role of mommy and daddy.

As I look around at my friends and associates, I understand that I am part of an increasingly rare group. My 5 siblings and I grew up in a two-parent household. Raising 6 children who each had their own personality traits and quirks is no easy feat. Of the six children, 5 of them were born in successive years, so that amounted to a lot of diapers, vaccination shots, running noses and discipline challenges that occurred at the same time. My youngest brother, who was born 4 years after child number five was born deaf, so my parents had the added challenge of raising a “special needs” child. In the midst of hand me downs, tattle-tales, crowded bedrooms, competition for access to the only bathroom in the house and daily races to see who will get the last biscuit, my siblings and I had what I would say was a relatively normal childhood. The rarity of our experiences had to do with one simple, but powerful fact. My father came home every night and there was never a period of time when our mother or her children had to wonder where daddy was. We never had to explain why he was staying with someone else on the other side of town nor did we have to make up lies to explain his extended absences. Unfortunately, that is a picture of the American family that is quickly fading from our view of what is normal.

Long after all six children were grown and living elsewhere, my father passed away. It never dawned on me until recently that by definition; my mother became a single mother when my father died. I suppose that I like many of you traditionally view a single mother as someone who is actively raising young children. I also must admit that I tended to define my mother as just that, a mother. Not a woman with sexual desires and needs. Not a person who felt lonely at times. Not a woman who had dreams that were deferred and even denied for the sake of her family. No, she’s just momma.

But even though all of her children are grown (and like the old folks used to say) “smelling ourselves”, mom still had to negotiate the different and sometimes competing personalities of her children, the extended periods of no phone calls while sometimes withstanding the onslaughts of blame that supposedly grown children hurl at the mom for the “sins” of the father, the man she was married to. She still worried about us as much if not more as when we called ourselves sneaking in at night after curfew. She still defended us against the harsh judgments of the world or even from fellow siblings and extended family. And to my mom’s credit, she has been the most ardent defender of my dad who was human and who like all of us, had his faults. Yes, dad should get credit for coming home every night, but mom gets credit for being home every day.

To my recent shock, I realized that my mom is a single mother. Although she is not wiping snotty noses and driving the kids to football practice and dance recitals, she is still fulfilling the role of mom. So if you take the time to read some of my other posts where I praise the strength of singles mothers, keep in mind one of the people I am referring to is my momma! Let’s pay our respects to our single mothers out there whether they are prospective dating partners, our next door neighbors or the co-worker who often has to leave work to care for a sick child.

Thank God for the commitment and love of single mothers.

You Never Know

We all have had times when we honestly do not know how things will turn out. We have our hopes, our expectations and even our best case and worse case scenarios. But every once in a while, we are clueless as to what lies around the corner.

These periods of uncertainty occur for Christian singles as well. Whether the questions we face have to do with marriage or true romance or financial security or sexual satisfaction or lifelong friendships, we REALLY don’t know how things will turn out. For those of us who like to base their lives on clichés; the phrase “I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future” comes to mind. But seriously folks, haven’t you ever wanted God to let you in on some of the outcomes in your future?

To make matters worse, we often do not pay attention when people we interact with hint at uncertainties in their lives. We tell them, “God knows” or “You’ll be alright” or “He won’t put more on you than you can bear”. But when you know that you don’t know what the future holds, these phrases have the same impact of “Blah, blah, blah”.

Faith is about seeing the unseen and our feelings of anxieties about our future are a measurement of our faith. Just as we Christian singles should strive to increase our faith, we should do what we can to help strengthen the faith of others.

You never know what people are going through. But the first thing we can to help the faith of others is to pay attention and listen. People may not come out and directly say what they are struggling with, but if we listen to their words, we can detect clues concerning their situation.

Once we “hear” what the person is saying, let’s avoid dumping clichés at their feet and let’s stop blowing them off with useless and trite sayings. Instead, let’s truly feel their pain, especially since their pain is very much like our own.

Next, let’s not let our prayers for others be the last thing we do for them. Let’s encourage them. Let’s inquire about their progress. Let’s roll up our sleeves and help them.

By doing these things; Christian singles can be a great source of growth when it comes to our faith and the faith of others. Because we are human, we will have anxieties about the problems and challenges in our lives. But the feeling of uncertainty is not really the problem. Rather, the problem lies in the fact of how we allow that uncertainty to weaken our faith. So before we become overwhelmed by the lack of visible clues to how things will turn out, let’s turn our attention to helping others increase their faith. By helping others, you also will end up helping others. God is still in the blessing business even when we fear that business has gone bankrupt. That fact should keep us going even when we really don’t know.

Bad Jokes!

We all have heard jokes that start with something like: “A buxom blonde, a Jewish priest and a Native American enter a bar…” Depending on the punch line, we can label the comedian as racist, sexist or a number of other negative “ists”.

Well it’s time I try my hand at a few bad jokes, but hopefully only my jokes will receive negative reviews and not my character.

A White male, a Black male and a single person go into a certain place, who is the last one to be acknowledged? Answer - If the certain place is a local church, the answer is the single person. It is no laughing matter that when it comes to highly esteemed appointments in many of our local churches; active members who happen to also be single are the last ones to be considered.

A White female, a Black female and a single female (of any race) go into a certain place, who is the first one to be bombarded with opinions on what it means to be whole? Answer - If that certain place is the church, the answer again is the single person. One of the first things well-meaning people will say to a single person is either: “You can be whole without being married” (as if single people need to be reminded of this fact) or “You are wrong to base your sense of “wholeness” on finding a romantic partner.” The second statement forgets that many married people often feel “completed” by their husband or wife. My point? Wholeness is a not dependent upon one’s marital status. Instead, the quality of one’s relationship to God is the main factor in how “whole” one is. So whoever you are out there, stop giving demeaning and inaccurate pronouncements on wholeness to single people unless you are also going to dump that same mess on married folks.

A married person, a single person and a homosexual person go into a certain place, who is the first one to be given relationship advice? Answer - If the certain place is the family reunion, it’s the single person. If the certain place is the church, it is also the single person. In many of our churches, the married person is assumed to “get it” when it comes to knowing how to sustain a long-term relationship. In many of these same churches, the homosexual is assumed to “not get it” about sustaining spiritually “approved” relationships and this is often based on many misunderstood and misinterpreted Bible scriptures. But as for the single person in many of these same churches, the “obvious” assumption is that when it comes to sustaining long-term romantic relationships, they do understand what it takes. Hence, single people are often bombarded with advice (in my opinion, most of this advice is bad) on how to hook a man or a woman.

I have a double challenge for you the reader.

• The first challenge is to use the format employed above to come up with your own version of bad jokes that involve singles. Share them with me and I will share them in the blog. (If you don’t want me to share them in the blog, then please don’t send them to me.)

• The second challenge is for all of us to be more sensitive to how we view other singles. Let’s be more of an advocate for each other. Let’s treat other singles with respect. This includes those singles we date, work with, workout with, encounter in the Wal-Mart parking lot (See “Da-Yum!” http://mooskm.blogspot.com/2008/08/da-yum.html ) or attend church with. Finally, let’s stop passing on to other singles all that bad advice we get on how to “escape” from the so-called prison of singleness.

One Monkey….

Everybody that thinks being a Christian single is easy, raise their hands and shout “Whooeee!” Judging form the relative silence out there, I take it that many of you have your share of what I call “Bad Singleness Days”. Well, count me in.

But thanks be to God that one monkey don’t stop no show!

Before we descend into some kind of crazy singleness self-pity party, let’s see what we can do to get that monkey off our backs. Because as I see it, that persistent monkey volunteers himself to take a piggy-back ride on each of us regardless if we are White or Black, old or young, rich or poor, skinny or not-so-skinny and whatever other group of Christians you may find yourself in.

• Remember That God Made That Monkey And He Made Us - As long as that monkey stays on the other side of the fence at the zoo or stays somewhere out there instead of harassing the “bejeebies” out of us, they are cute almost cuddly little creatures. God has the ability and willingness to keep us and that monkey out of each other’s way.
• Remember To Love God First Before We Search For Love Elsewhere - Most of us have to admit that when we put our search for love ahead of our love for God, that was akin to inviting that monkey to hitch a ride on our backs. Often, we ended up broken-hearted, broke-down and feeling beat down. But when we kept the main thing THE main thing (See “Keeping The Main Thing The Main Thing” http://mooskm.blogspot.com/2007/03/keeping-main-thing-main-thing.html), God has a way of insuring that monkey does not cross our paths.
• Remember That God Wants Us To Live A Blessed Life - Instead of viewing God as a grumpy grouch who does not want us to enjoy life, let’s study His Word to see how He wants us to have life and to have it more abundantly. Part of that abundance has to do with helping us avoid needless confrontations with the unwelcome monkeys in our lives.
• Remember That A Life of Service To Others Puts Us On The Pathway to Blessedness - As single Christians, we have to put the needs of others above our own. Since we are children of God, we already know He will take care of us, so that frees us to do what we can to help others. So when you see that monkey sneaking up on someone else, grab a stick and help the other person chase that monkey away.

As long as we Christian singles put God at the forefront of our thoughts and actions, God has some great things in store for us. If we keep up our end of the bargain and get out of God’s way so He can keep up His end, we will see our singleness transformed into blessedness. No matter our race or our economic situation or geographic location or our career affiliation, God stands ready to bless us beyond (way beyond) our expectations. So don’t worry about a stray monkey that somehow tries to hijack your joy. Just remember that one monkey still don’t stop no show!

I’m Right Here!

We all have seen episodes in the movies or on tv where people are talking about someone and that someone jumps in the conversation with “Excuse me, I’m right here”. It is as if they are suggesting that people should not be talking ABOUT them, but TO them.

As Christian singles, how often do we adopt an ABOUT them perspective instead of a TO them when it comes to how we relate to others? Just for the sake of clarity, let me briefly describe both views:

• ABOUT Them View - This occurs when the connection between two people is on the surface only. The other person is just a character in your play, but their role is really inconsequential to you. You can talk ABOUT them because in your opinion, only your view is important. There is little or no consideration about this other person’s hopes, dreams, fears, needs or desires.

• TO Them View - This occurs when there is a deeper connection between two people. Not only is the other person a significant player in your play, but their role is important. You can talk TO them because your opinion is that you cannot be all you can be unless you help them to be all they can be. In this spirit, you are as concerned about their hopes, dreams, fears, needs and desires as you are about your own.

It is easy for us to fall into the ABOUT them view over the To them view. We know in our minds that we should be more considerate of others, but that head knowledge is not always evident in our hearts. There are many examples of how or when this occurs, but suppose someone “steals” your parking spot in the Wal-Mart parking lot. If you are not careful, you may slip into an ABOUT them mode instead of the TO them mode. Other examples where this can occur are: your boyfriend cheats on you or you don’t understand why someone did not take that new job that was offered or your mom does not approve of your friends or your girlfriend did not call you last night like she promised. There are innumerable other examples, but hopefully you get the point that the ABOUT mode can occur at any time of the day in our lives.

Some of you might be saying that the problem with some of these examples is that the “other” person is not someone close to you or they are strangers. But if we remember that we all are children of God, we should express Godly love to everyone regardless of how well we know them. This kind of love is typical of a TO them view.

It is my hope that single Christians in particular will grow in their capacity to see that the other person they are encountering is a bundle of vulnerabilities, expectations, faults and virtues just like you. We all should remember that most of us are more alike than we are different and even when we don’t like or understand a person’s actions or decisions, there is often a very thin line that separates us from doing the same things or making the same types of choices. The bottom line is this: in order for us to have better relationships of all kinds (romantic, platonic, family and associates as well as with “strangers”), we have to keep reminding ourselves that those people we are talking ABOUT are “in the room” with us!

More To It?

If you live long enough, you either have encountered or will experience moments when you will wonder if your current state of singleness is all there is to being single. As good or bad as your journey of singleness has been, it is normal to question if this is as good (or bad) as it gets.

No matter how pious we claim to be, we often fall victim to not being able to see our future as clearly as God sees it. Granted, He has the advantage of experience that infinity will bring and true, He also has the advantage of experience that comes from having seen it all before. But for us, our sight is limited to our own fears and egos. It is because of our fears and egos that we sometimes forget to borrow God’s eyeglasses so we can see beyond our human vulnerabilities.

Is there more to our singleness or is this it? Part of the answer lies in the quality of our relationship to God. In fact, that is where the whole answer lies. The extent to which we genuinely seek to discern God’s will and purpose is the extent to which we will see the “more” of our singleness. That is the spirit behind the hymn with the words, “We will understand it better by and by.”

So as you deal with moments of loneliness or self-doubt or you are trying to recover from a broken heart or guilt for some bad decisions from your past or you dread those family reunions because you will smacked upside the head with “why are you still single” questions; don’t get too stressed. No those things aren’t going to go away quietly and you will have to serve your time in the valley of uncertainty, but just keep the faith that the story does not end there.

I am not here to delude you with false promises of a happily ever after, although that is what I pray for on your behalf. But, I am here to declare that however good (or bad) your singleness is at this moment, there is more to it. In the final analysis, it does not matter what I “declare” about your singleness. It is more important to understand where you are in your relationship with God. For it is in that relationship that you will find clarity and discover a sense of peace about whether or not this is all there is to your singleness.

Da-Yum!

During a recent trip to Wal-Mart, I noticed a man coming out of that store as I was going. Also entering the store at that time was a young shapely woman. Actually, she appeared to be a well-endowed teenager. Upon seeing this woman, the man, who appeared to be in his fifties, exclaimed, “Da-Yum, you sure are fine!” He may have said some other things, but I was too far into the store to hear any of his other comments.

Why do I mention this? To me, his verbal reaction is wrong on so many levels. Permit me to list a few:

• His comment ignores her humanity. Maybe this young lady was having a bad day. Maybe her boyfriend just left her. Maybe she just found out she is pregnant when that is the last thing she wanted to be. It doesn’t matter what factors may be contributing to her bad day, but his comment did nothing to address the kind of day she was having at that time.

• His comment disregards her divinely ordained purpose. Whenever we focus solely on a person’s physical attributes, we fail to take into account how we can help that person achieve their spiritual calling.

• His comment reduces her to her sexual being. Let’s be honest here. He wasn’t commenting on her intellectual brilliance or her emotional stability. These were non-issues as far as he was concerned. No, his comments were about specific parts of her body that have to do with one’s sexual attractiveness

You may say that I am over-reacting and that on one level he was paying her a compliment. In my response, let me offer an alternative way of dealing with this situation. If he was so moved by her physical presence, he could have started off with something like this: “Excuse me, how are you today?” At that point, the woman will either ignore him and keep walking or she may respond to the question. Whichever action she takes, he then has a quick glance of the kind of day she may be having and also her level of friendliness. If she moves on, then he can keep his comment to himself and no one is worse off. If she stops or pauses, he can have an INTELLIGENT conversation with her. See my post “A Different Conversation” (http://mooskm.blogspot.com/2007/08/different-conversation.html). During this conversation, he can mention that she is an attractive person and he may want to add that he hopes she is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. Having said that; he can move on and go home. He like the rest of us must accept the reality that not every attractive person we encounter is destined to be our sexual partner, our romantic love interest or our one night stand. So, most of our conversations and comments should reflect that reality.

I am a fan of observing the attractive features of people of the opposite sex. I do not see anything wrong with making mental notes of those traits that make someone attractive. But I don’t have to comment on those things to the person and if I cannot help myself, I need to keep the three above bullet statements in mind. It just seems to me that when God made all the beautiful people in the world; he surely must have expected a more respectful reaction than just “Da-Yum!”

In My Heart

Unfortunately, many people cannot truly discern what is in our hearts. We may think of ourselves as being caring and genuine in our concern for others, but others may see us as quite the opposite.

Yes we know that God knows what is in our hearts, but let’s be honest, is that enough? For most of us, we not only want God to know the depths of our sincere affection, we also want those we interact with to recognize the love we possess. When we are able to step outside of our false notions of piety, we admit that it does matter what others think of us, particularly when what they think of us does not match our self-impressions.

I have no answers to the questions of how to make someone see more clearly the contents of your heart. All I can do is encourage you to share those contents more, not less when you are confronted with those who doubt your sincere intentions. Even though it can get tiring to have to swim against the tide of false perceptions, trust God to give you the strength to keep doing what you do. When every muscle in your spiritual body is straining against the weight of unfair judgments, love people more.

Lord, I want to love you. In my heart. In my heart. But I also want people to know that I love you and I love them in my heart. Help me to “prove” my love by the simple act of sharing it even when it is misconstrued as something else. Help me to stay the course you have set for me to love you with all my being and love others as I should love myself.

Ain’t Nothing Wrong

I must admit that sometimes I am perplexed by the wordings that people use. Let me explain what I mean by an actual discussion I had with a fellow member of the same church I attend.

In reference to me not having a girlfriend, she asked “What is wrong with Shenequa? (Not her actual name).

My response was, “There is nothing wrong with Shenequa, I just don’t want her.”

Here is what is perplexing about her question to me. It presupposes that attraction is based on perfection. Thus, if I am not attracted to someone, it must mean that something is wrong with her. Her question also assumes that I feel like I am qualified to declare a person’s “wrongness”.

As I understand attraction, it is not based on perfection. In fact, attraction may be caused by the traits that others may view as unattractive. So Shenequa may be fine and cute and smart and witty, but I still may not want her. If there is something wrong, it is with me, not her. Just because I don’t want her, doesn’t mean that something is wrong with her. Perhaps the better question to ask is “What is wrong with you, Kevin” instead of “What is wrong with her?”

In our lives, we will make decisions about who is and who is not attractive. These are purely subjective and personal decisions. You may not like the criteria I use and I may not care for the criteria you employ. But we both have the God-given right to use the traits we choose. It is my hope that you and I both will learn to value those same traits that God wants us to base our attraction decisions on.

I further hope that we will stop thinking in terms of what is wrong with the Shenequas of the world. There have been many people who have decided they are not attracted to me and also that (in their opinion), I would not make a good mate for them. Does that mean something is wrong with me? (Well, there probably are a lot of things wrong with me, but they may not have anything to do with why people do not find me attractive. (smile)). Should I be mad at them for not wanting me? The answer is no to both questions.

So, if you like I, have been in the same position as Shenequa in this post, then don’t take it personally. Some will find us attractive and others won’t just as you and I will dig some but not others. That is part of living. Take solace in the fact that when it comes to whether or not God finds us attractive, “Ain’t Nothing Wrong”.

When We Hurt

As bad as we may think we are, all of us will experience hurt at various points in our lives. I think we all need to reject the notion that feeling hurt is an indication of weakness or is a negative reflection on our character. Nothing could be further from the truth. What is a sign of weakness is when we consistently try to deny the hurts in our lives and we go bopping along trying to fool others into thinking that we immune to such feelings.

In addition to denying the existence of hurt in our lives, we also need to be careful as to how we address them. Sometimes we become so focused on the alleviation of the pain in our lives that we allow non-spiritual so-called solutions to invade our singleness journey.

Let’s look at an example and hopefully you can apply that to other instances of how we seek non-spiritual solutions to those times we find ourselves hurting. You as a female have a male platonic friend that you know is going through a tough time in his life. With genuine spiritual concern, you offer to help him through this troubled time by offering spiritual encouragement. When you give him a “holy ghost” hug, the movements of his hands on your body and his other bodily movements suggest to you he wants to show you his gratitude in a carnal way. Because you do find him physically attractive, you give brief consideration to “accepting” his gesture of appreciation. But then, you quickly come to your spiritual senses and you remove yourself from this situation.

You went in with the best of intentions and you felt like progress was made in helping your friend deal with his hurt. Then seemingly out of left field comes his sexual advance. For your friend, he may be seeking to alleviate his hurt by having sex with you. At that point, he may be where many of us find ourselves at various times. Sometimes we feel like what we need is a passionate kiss or a “romp in the hay”. We know that is not spiritual, but sometimes we feel the spiritual way is not what we need or want at that moment.

The point of this post is that whether or not we are the one who is hurting, we must be mindful of seeking spiritual solutions, not something else. I know that sometimes we get tired of all that spiritual talk and that sometimes we desire something more physical. I know that the spiritual way can at times appear elusive and not relevant to our circumstances. I feel you when you feel like shouting, “Enough with all of that spiritual stuff. Just take my pain away!!” But what we often find out after the fact is that the spiritual way is the ONLY way out of the hurt we are feeling. God is not a distant philosophical concept that has no relevance to the problems we face. Instead, He has lasting and pertinent solutions. He promises to set us free and to free us indeed. Let’s hold on to that promise and not be distracted by other stuff when we feel hurt.

Do What You Do

I must admit that I am perplexed by the phrases, “stand still” and “let God be God”. On a conceptual level, I understand the notion of not doing anything (stand still) and acknowledging God’s omnipotence (let God be God) and my limitations. But on a practical level, I don’t know how to “do” those things. In other writings, I have labeled these as “head faith” and “heart faith”.

Head faith is the faith we have been taught about. From an intellectual standpoint, we know about faith and we know we should have faith. Most of us have head faith.

Heart faith is the faith that comes from personal experience. Because you recognize how God has done what He does, we know that we know about faith. Heart faith is the real faith that truly can move mountains. It is also unshakable because it is tied to actual experiences. It not something we have been told, but what we have lived through.

In those times that I am faced with problems that I have no solutions and I have more questions than answers, “standing still” and “letting God be God” tend to be more of a challenge for me. I know (in my head) I should do these things, but knowing them (in my heart) is a different matter.

Here is how I deal with this conflict between head and heart faith.

• I stop trying to figure things out. I accept the fact that if I am going to make it through this situation, it can only be God.
• I accept the spiritual premise that whatever happens is part of God’s plan. If my house goes into foreclosure or my romantic partner leaves me or I lose my job or I fail that final exam, there is something in those experiences that is putting me closer to God’s will for me. Given this view, the “bad” thing that may happen is not the end, but the beginning of something.
• I expect to get up from whatever may knock me down. I may have to live out of my car or struggle with loneliness or collect unemployment or retake that class, but I will not let those things keep me down.
• While I am prepared for the worst that can happen, I keep my eyes open for the miracle. Just maybe that foreclosure won’t happen or maybe my romantic partner decides to stay or they allow me to keep that job or my teacher incorrectly graded my exam. Until the bad thing happens, I am expecting the miracle to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.
• I do what I do. By that I mean whatever God has called me to do, I will continue to do. For me, that is writing. For you, it may be singing or being a good mom or serving as an usher or starting that business or being a faithful boyfriend or girlfriend. Whatever it is (and “it” is usually more than one thing) that defines you, keep doing those things. Yes your mind may be preoccupied with losing that house or having your heart broken or eating ramen noodles or taking that class for the umpteenth time, but you still can do those things that you do. To use a sports analogy, you still continue to do the fundamentals even though you are way behind on the scoreboard.

Some singles try to act like being single is no big deal. But all of us will face challenges that we will not know how to overcome. It is times like those that we will have no choice but to “stand still” and “let God be God”. Bad things do happen to “good” people (good in this case meaning people who try to live according to God’s will) but we still cannot let that be an excuse that keeps us from doing what we do.

No, The Other Way!

Here we are just bopping along in our singleness and things seem to be going well. Can’t you hear the birds chirping, feel the gentle breeze blowing and the sweet smell of summer is in the air? What a great day to be single!

But then, BAM! CRASH! THUMP!

That job that was going so well. For awhile there, we were excited about getting up and going to work. We actually liked our jobs!! Not too many people can say that. But somewhere along the way, the job took a turn for the worse and all we can say is, “No, turn the other way!”

You finally found someone you can be excited about. He or she makes you laugh. They pay attention to what you have to say and they soothe you when you are down. Because of that special person, you have finally begun to exhale. But now what was being madly in love is now just plain old mad. You hate the way things have turned out and all you want cry out is “No, return back to the good times and turn the other way!”

You have been studying hard in this class and you finally seem to be making some headway. What at first looked liked Greek is now starting to make some sense. Okay, you might not get an A in the class, but at least you will pass. But then, you get the result from the last exam and oops, there goes your g.p.a. You are embarrassed, hurt and angry and you sigh, “Please Lord, turn this the other way!”

That person over there used to be your homie, your ace and your confidante. You shared so many secrets and you were each other’s backs when life started tripping. You were like two peas in a pod. But now, your friend is no more and in that person’s place stands someone you now view as your enemy. Although you are angry and you feel betrayed, you can’t help but wonder if it is possible to revive the friendship and get things to turn the other way.

If it is not the job, your romantic partner, your school work or your friend, chances are there will be times in your singleness when you will feel like the worst of life has bum rushed you. Just like the commercial, you will understand what it means when life comes at you fast. In times like these, we may not be bopping as well in our singleness, the birds may be singing a sad tune, the wind may be swirling around you like a hurricane and now life may just stink!

May the God we serve help to open our eyes to what is great about our singleness even when all we feel we can do is cry out “No, Turn The Other Way!”

Great or What?

As I mentioned in the preface to my new book, singleness is different things to different people. But that should not come as a surprise to anyone. The things that stand out about your singleness will be different from what stands out to others and that is okay. But what we all have in common is the capacity to see things from a spiritual perspective.

So, the point of this short post is simple. Will we allow God to show us what is great about our singleness or will we subscribe to another view?

Let Me Count The Ways....

A friend and I have a friendly bet going. If you are reading this, please leave a comment. It can be done anonymously if you prefer.

The Last Person

As someone told me recently, “Being single is hard enough on its own without having to be subjected to a list of do’s and don’ts.” I am not here to argue against that point, but I do think we need to make sure we have the right perspective as we dialog on this subject.

Part of what makes singleness challenging is the reality that other people do not do what we want them to do when we want them to do it. To me, that betrays a selfish perspective. With a “me-me-me” focus, it is not difficult to encounter people who have a different view of things than ours.

Imagine how simpler and less stressful life would be if we learned to do as Jesus suggested and put the needs of others before our own? There would be less animosity and fighting if we loved our enemies instead of hating them. There would be less jealousy if we celebrated others' victories instead of coveting them. There would be less broken hearts if we truly loved our romantic partners instead of manipulated them. There would be less “bad stuff” if we dedicated ourselves to helping others instead of only focusing on our selfish agendas.

In short, we should be the last person we think about when we think about notions such as satisfaction and contentment. The ultimate and most genuine indicator of our trust in God is to put more emphasis on uplifting others than the attention we pay on getting our own needs fulfilled. Our steadfast faith tells us that God takes care of those who take care of others.

As a Christian single, do you really want to be happy and satisfied? Then make yourself the last person you show concern for. Trust me, this helping others stuff really works!

Bless Me, Bless Me

Bless me, bless me, oh Lord, bless me indeed!

All over the land there are single Christians making that request of the Lord. I can’t blame them because they understand that you haven’t been blessed until you have been blessed by God. At times, they paraphrase the words of Jacob: “Lord, I ain’t going nowhere until you bless me.”

What does it mean to be blessed as a single Christian? There is a part of us that says being blessed should mean finding our true love. Then there is another part of us that says being blessed is learning to maximize one’s singleness. I humbly suggest that the “real” answer is somewhere in between.

God is not a heartless manipulator that plants the desire for love and affection in each of us only to laugh scornfully when love is the furthest thing from our minds and hidden from our little corners of the world. So, accepting the benevolent vision of God, if He is the one responsible for giving us the desire, we should also expect that He is the one to position us to realize the fulfillment of those desires.

But God also knows that we are more than just a human with an asterisk next to our names because we may not have a romantic partner at this time. He knows that we can live healthy and productive lives as single Christians. He not only knows that, He expects us to leave a positive mark on the world. The old tired excuse of “Hey, I was lonely” is not going to be acceptable.

So do Lord, do Lord, please remember us. We need your blessings. Because of how you have made us, we want it all. We want the romance AND we want to be content. You planted both of those desires in us, so we trust you enough to expect nothing less than the complete fulfillment of your will in our lives.

Thank God that He is not only capable but also willing to bless me, bless me.

The Furthest Thing From My Mind?

During a recent conversation, a friend shared that she met a man that she has become romantically involved with. What great news! The conversation was flowing along until she threw in a monkey wrench.

“What about you, Kevin? Have you found someone special?”

I don’t know why, but I didn’t expect that question. It seems like it is much easier for me to rejoice in other people’s romantic successes than to turn the spotlight on my lack of romance. At this point in my life, it just seems like finding a girlfriend is the furthest thing from my mind.

But is that really the case with me? I once suggested to someone else that part of the reason why she stayed involved with so many activities was to mask the fact that her social life was empty. Maybe someone should be saying the same thing to me.

I am quite busy, but I have always prided myself in making room for that special person, should she come into my life. But I am beginning to think I am fooling myself. Contrary to what Hollywood tells us, romance just does not happen. It takes some effort and attention. I don’t have to obsess with finding a girlfriend, but I admit that I must do more than I have been doing.

I know that I intensely want romance in my life. But what evidence of that desire manifests itself? I cannot recall the last time I asked for someone’s number or asked someone out on a date. And if there were any women who were trying to subtly send romantic signals my way, I was either too blind or too dumb to properly interpret them.

So, in the final analysis, I must be an incurable romantic. Because, with my lack of effort, the only way romance is going to find itself into my life is through unanticipated events just like in the script of a cheesy Hollywood movie.

As your friend, please don’t make the same mistakes I have made. If romance is your goal, act like it and get out there and do something. Ask for that number or say yes to that date. Keep your eyes peeled for any subtle signals being sent your way. Don’t be like me and go about things like romance is the furthest thing from your mind.

Oh by the way, this discussion is spiritual. I believe the desire for romance is God-given and when we try to deny that desire, we go against something that God has ordained. Yes, I know you have been hurt before. Yes, I know you are tired of all the games that are being played. Yes, I know that you think you can do bad all by yourself. I know these things because I have also been hurt and played. But our pasts do not erase the purpose that God has for us. If nothing else, our hurts from yesterday should make us wiser and more sensitive to the blessing of romance God is trying to send our way. Let’s not miss that blessing because our negative past experiences has tricked us into thinking that romance is the furthest thing from our minds.

Hard To Believe

Many years ago, there was an anti-littering commercial that featured a Native American Indian with a tear running down his face standing in the midst of garbage that was thrown on the side of the road. I wonder if God feels the same emotions as the Native American depicted in the commercial when He looks at us.

He created us with the capacity to love and be loved, yet so many of us are doing without love. He declared that it is not good for us to be alone, but too many of us settle for doing bad all by ourselves. Instead of embracing each other as He desires for us; we would rather find reasons to go our separate ways.

We do not have to look far to see the emotional devastation that has seemingly overrun our Garden of Eden. People who long to be loved are spending too many nights crying themselves to sleep alone. Parents are spending unbelievably amounts of time separated from their children. Children are longing to have a missing parent take them to the softball game or to the ice cream parlor. Husbands and wives are choosing to break up that which God supposedly put together. All of these things result in a river of tears flowing from the eyes of God!!

I find it hard to believe that the way things are now is the way God intended for them to be. So, who got it wrong, us or God?

My prayer for all Christian singles is they will run toward love instead of away from it. I pray they will stop clinging to their fears as a way of trying to steer clear of being hurt. I hope they will take calculated risks to find Godly love in the form of romantic and platonic relationships. I ask God to help us all get off our high horses and re-learn the art of truly loving one another.

Why do I pray for these things? Because I find it hard to believe that God would have it any other way.

If It Ain’t Fixed, Don’t Break It

On one of the episodes of a popular tv show, a man became angry at his girlfriend because she overstepped her bounds (in his opinion) even though she was trying to be helpful. When he reacted negatively to her efforts, she was surprised and disappointed. Later when she discussed it with her girlfriends, they explained that she was not giving her man the space he needed.

In our singleness journeys, we all have good intentions. But sometimes, what we meant for good is really harmful. In our zeal to help and heal, we often go with our instincts about what needs to be done and we rush forward with our plan. Then we are shocked and angry when the person we are trying to help rejects our seemingly noble efforts.

Sad to say, but sometimes it is not enough to INTEND to do good when our actions create more problems than it solves. In cases like this, we are breaking something that wasn’t fixed.

One of the hardest things to get people to understand, single Christians included, is the tendency we all have to do what we think is right instead of what God knows is right. We often assume that our thoughts are in line with God’s intentions and thus, we rush forward with our blueprint for how to solve the problems that people are struggling with.

The challenge is for us to step outside of our self-interests, egos and narrow perspectives and wait on a word from the Lord. Yes, God can move more slowly than we would prefer, but He has a great sense of timing. So when someone comes to you with a broken heart or with dreams that have been dashed or feeling depressed because they lost their job or upset because a friend turned out to be a “hater”; stop and take a breath. Don’t do what you want to do. Listen for what God wants you to do. If we are honest with ourselves, we will be surprised to find out that our wants and God’s wants are two different things.

The last thing people in our lives that we care for need is for us to break something that is not fixed.

Housekeeping Item

From time to time, I will write something in my posts that you may feel strongly about, but you prefer to express your thoughts to me and not to the reading public. In that case, please email me at: goosykm@yahoo.com. In that email, you can really let me have it!

On the other hand, if you leave a comment on this blog; I may publish it for the sake of generating conversation among everyone.

I welcome your comments whether you agree or not with my writings. I believe that we all grow when there is open dialog about the themes covered in this blog.

Thanks to everyone who reads this blog and particularly to those who take the time to leave comments.

The Greater Risk

In reference to the publication of my new book, Songs of Singleness; one person said I was courageous. When I enquired what she meant by “courageous”; she replied that people might read my book and disagree with my thoughts or not like what I have to say.

For me, people disagreeing or not liking what I write is no big deal. When I write, whether it is in my books or in my blog, I don’t do so because I want people to agree with me. Instead, I write to help us all learn more and more about our spiritual journey. Besides, what I write is not purely my opinion. I have prayed over it and in many cases, I have researched it. I truly believe that what I am writing is inspired by God. From that perspective, if someone disagrees with the concepts behind my writings; they are disagreeing with the prime mover behind those words.

So as I see it, the greater risk is that people will not even take the time to read my book. For those who have the opportunity to read Songs of Singleness, but decide not to accept that opportunity; they risk missing out on divinely inspired words about their lives. Because of my concern for the potential readers of my book; I would rather have you disagree with parts of my writings then have you miss out on some things I sincerely believe God has given me to say.

We all have heard people refer to their efforts as “I am not just doing this to hear myself talk.” Well for me, I don’t write just to see my words on paper. The reason why I write is to help position people to receive all of the blessings that God has for them.

In our journey of singleness, let’s not get caught up in who didn’t cross their t’s or dot their i’s. I may say “po-tah-toe” while you say “po-tay-toe”. I may struggle with a certain temptation while you may struggle with something entirely different. The risk is not that we may judge each other’s “eye-specks”. Nope, the greater risk is we may stand in our own way and in the way of others which keeps all of us from being fully blessed like God wants us to be.

Like I said before, I’d rather you not see eye to eye with me, than you and/or I not be willing to hear what God is trying to say. Not taking proper advantage of the chance to grow from the lessons that God is sharing with us? Now that to me is the greater risk!

When The Lakers Lose

I am a big Los Angeles Lakers fan and have been since the days of Wilt “the stilt” Chamberlain, Gail Goodrich and Jerry West. I was elated to see they made it to the NBA championship, but not so excited by the end result. Yes, my Lakers lost!!

But I learned a little something about me in the process of suffering through the Lakers’ failure in the championship series. In the midst of my disappointment about how the Lakers’ season ended; I still had to get up in the mornings. Bills still had to be paid. My car still is in need of major repair. My website still needs to be developed. My marketing plan for my new book still needs to be implemented. The church newsletter I edit still needs to be distributed. I still need to express Godly love to people I encounter, including those who may not love me.

The point? Our singleness journey will encounter some disappointments. But, God still expects us to get up in the morning and do what we do. Yes, it is a bummer at times to not have a romantic partner or to not have enough friends or to struggle against feelings of loneliness or to battle sexual frustration. If you are human, then these challenges will occur every now and then. It is not being spiritual to act like these things do not exist and that you NEVER have any problems with them. Instead, our spiritual calling leads us to acknowledge them, deal with them and still get stuff done.

Oh poor me, the Lakers lost! Oh poor singles, today might be one of those bad singleness days! Well, I encourage all Christian singles to go ahead and get up and go about your business. Because of our relationship with God, there is a hope of deliverance from whatever is bugging you. Besides, like my disappointment with the Lakers’ demise, we hold on to the hope that there is always next year. And the good news is, because we serve a God that is eternal; there is blessed tomorrow awaiting us.

Walking Wounded

The other day I was talking with a lady that I had known for almost a year. She and I worked on an annual conference that is held at my church. The interesting thing about that conversation is that I found out she is married. She often spoke of her children, but never did she mention her husband until the other day. Unfortunately, her husband NEVER attends church with her or anywhere. She is one of the many women who faithfully attend church while their husbands faithfully stay away from the church.

Her life story is full of disappointments, frustrations, defeats and periodic bouts of loneliness and hopelessness. (She sounds single, doesn’t she? – smile) But sad to say, her story (which is not all bad) is not out of the ordinary. Many of us have stories we could tell about how we made it through that rough time in our lives or how we are currently facing a situation that we don’t know how we are going to overcome. But, most of us remain hopeful that God will once again come to the rescue.

This post is in tribute to the many walking wounded among us. Without knowing your stories; I commend you for still getting up every morning, doing well on your jobs, maintaining a decent grade average at school or continuing your faithfulness at the various church or civic groups you are a part of. There were days you wanted to pull the covers over your head and sit out that particular day. And if that person who specializes in working your last nerve had crossed your path on that day, well let’s just thank God that you are not what you used to be!

My prayer for all of the walking wounded out there is that you will master the art of taking life one step at a time. (You may not want to admit it, but all of us have been or will be walking wounded at some point in our lives.) If you can make just one more step, then maybe you will have the strength to make two. And before you know it, you will look back and wonder how you got over. But that really won’t be a secret, will it? You made it because of He who was wounded for our transgressions. By a living example, Jesus is showing that there is hope for the walking wounded. My prayer is that the efforts put forth by our Lord and Savior will not be wasted because we succumbed to our fears and egos.

If You Think I’m Sexy

I know many of you may not be familiar with the song by Rod Stewart where he says, “If you think I’m sexy……Come on sugar tell me so.” That song came out in the 70’s.

Anyway, sometimes in a false sense of piety, Christian singles try to deny what is obvious to themselves. If you won’t admit to it, then I will. Frequently, I will observe a woman I think is quite sexy. It could be her physicality or it might be due to some intangible quality. Does my recognition of a woman’s sexiness make me less of a Christian? Well, I hope not!!

As I mentioned in my previous post entitled, “Look at, Not For”, the problems with seeing the beauty that God has made in the form of other people have more to do with how we process that information. Upon seeing a sexy woman, do I indulge myself with sexual fantasies? Anytime we reduce someone to the role of just being a sexual tool for our pleasure; we deny them their humanity which is the very opposite of what single Christians should be doing.

The other day, a woman paid me a compliment about my looks and it was something I needed to hear at that time. How often do we miss out on opportunities to uplift people with compliments because we think it may be inappropriate? Just as we should be discreet in the compliments we give, we also need to be mindful of how we react to being complimented. For example, when the aforementioned woman complimented me, I didn’t try to turn that into a game of sexual hide and seek. I thanked her and smiled and we moved on to other things to talk about.

So, if you think someone is sexy or attractive or has very alluring features; I see nothing wrong with letting that person know. If necessary, you can “warn” them that your compliment is not a line or an opening move to get in their pants or steal their hearts. You are just acknowledging another one of God’s beautiful creations. Additionally, if you are the one being complimented, don’t immediately try to turn it into a romantic or sexual relationship. If that is meant to be, it will come in time.

I am convinced that God wants us to enjoy our singleness for as long as we are single. If being a Christian single mean denying that there are sexy and attractive people out there, then that would take away from some of the enjoyment of being single!! Just because I think someone is sexy doesn’t mean that I want to sleep with them or make them my girlfriend. Healthy relationships should be based on more than just that.

Now as the summer season approaches, let’s get out there and have some good Christian fun and see how many sexy people we can take notice of in our respective journeys of singleness.

I Can Do Bad All By Myself

“I can do bad all by myself” is a phrase that I believe is misguided. I understand the sentiment behind it which is the notion that it makes no sense to bring people into our lives that are going to mess things up. However, I believe this phrase also suggests a gross misunderstanding of human nature.

I believe God made us not with the capacity to know and do everything. Each day, we rely on others to help us accomplish our tasks and reach our goals. It is like God built into each one of us the need and the desire to work with and get along with other people. Otherwise without this “built-in” social urge; we would push everybody away and say, “Get out of my way. I will do it myself.”

But doing things by ourselves is not very Christian. Contrary to the high praise for individualism and independence; Christians place a higher value on service and love. We are not called to serve and love ourselves, but rather to love and serve others.

So when we say, “I can do bad all by myself” we are not speaking the whole truth. Yes, that “good for nothing” person can make your life a living hell. But the reality to consider is the decision process that caused you to allow that “bad” person into your life would still be there with or without the presence of the anti-hero/heroine. That same inner quality can cause much more damage in your life than any person with bad intentions can. In fact, it is the presence of other people (good or bad) that helps to lessen the impact of the faulty internal processes we all possess.

So the real truth is “I can (and most likely will) do WORSE all by myself." I can hear you saying, “Hey, you don’t understand how that man left me with 3 kids and no visible means of supporting myself” or “That gold digging woman took me for everything I owned and now I am looking at bankruptcy”. These and other terrible situations seem to suggest that without these scoundrels, life would have been much better than it has turned out to be. But we must also take into account that the same tendencies we have that allowed those people into our lives were there before the “bad” people came. Upon review of your life, you probably would have opened your heart or your house or your life to them sooner had not other people been in your life. Also, when all hell broke loose, it was other people who helped to soften the blow.

The point of this whole discussion is for us to embrace that part of us that drives us to get involved with others. Interacting with others is something that single Christians should do. It is taking the non-spiritual and easy way out to hide behind the myth that “I can do bad all by myself.” God is not calling us to “DO” bad; He expects us to “DO” good and the good we do is most effective when it includes others. Or put another way, we are more likely to do WORSE (and not just bad) if we are by ourselves.

How Ironic?

Sometimes God can use the smallest things to teach us and to enable us to help others.

About a month ago, the "check engine soon" light came on in my beat up old car. After shelling out some big bucks, I was told that I needed to have the engine replaced. But until I can come up with THAT kind of money, I could drive it. So since then, I have been feeling like I have been driving that car on borrowed time.

About two weeks ago, I was downtown paying a bill when a lady and her teenage son asked if I had jumper cables. To make a long story less long, I was able to help jump start her car.

Yesterday, one of my neighbors left her car lights on all night and she needed a jump and I was also able to get her car going.

To me, it just seemed ironic that my car which appears to be on its last legs was able to be the source of helping others with their car troubles.

But, isn't that one of the ways that God works? In our singleness, we will identify things (sometimes incorrectly) that we feel are not working. But God will provide opportunities for us to still be able to help others with that very thing which we feel is broken.

So whether it is a non-existing love life or seemingly endless nights of "no good loving" or a job whose paycheck is more like an insult or friends who have not been very friendly lately; be on the watch out for God to use you and those "broken" things in your life to help someone.

I really can't explain it, but for whatever reason; God sometimes allows us the opportunity to help others in the most ironic situations. I think part of the reason He does this is to help us not take our challenges too seriously. There are people besides ourselves who have stuff to deal with and we might as well be the ones to come to their rescue; regardless of how ironic the circumstances of our aid might be.

Looking At, Not For

There is a song that says the summer is "girl watching" time. I must admit that the summer heat, extended daytime hours and summer apparel presents many opportunities for people to admire the various aspects of beauty that God has blessed humankind with.

Undoubtedly, I am not the only "girl watcher" out there and there are also many of you who are "boy watchers". As single Christians, I think it is important to acknowledge that we appreciate the physical characteristics that match our individualized standards of attractiveness. For me, a woman's eyes, the shape of her nose and the length of her neck are a few of the things that get my attention. For you, it might by the broadness of his shoulders, his eyes or his soft looking lips that makes you take a second look.

That is okay. Let's continue to admire God's handiwork. However, let's not forget that the objects of our admiration are more than a well put together mass of bones, muscles and flesh with all the right parts in the right places and in the right proportion. Also, no one is ONLY here for the fulfillment of our selfish desires. Each person is a creation of God. Some just look real good!

If she looks good to me, let me also consider the opportunity that she may be a good spiritual and mental match for me. If I can just leave things at "She looks good" without reducing her to a starring role in my lustful fantasy, then I am just looking at her and not for her.

If he looks good to you, don't forget to factor in whether or not he will be a healthy and life-affirming complement for you. If you can admire his "fine self" without dreaming of having his babies or becoming his wife or his lover, then you have mastered the fine art of looking at him and not for him.

As tempting as it may be during this "girl and boy watching season", let's keep things in the proper perspective by learning to look AT and not look FOR the beautiful people we encounter. There is nothing wrong with recognizing the beauty that God has planted in His creations. We just have to make sure we don't lose our minds or spiritual integrity. We have to stay focussed on not letting our imaginations get out of hand.

Having said that; let's enjoy this summer of the watching season!!