DO MORE, Part 2

In yesterday’s post, I mentioned that this time of the year is one of introspection for me. During this time of thinking and wondering, I have come to realize that I have dropped the ball in many of my relationships. Yesterday, I tried to drive home the point that each of us should work on ourselves instead of pointing out what others are doing wrong. Today, I want to discuss one way that I (and hopefully you also) can DO MORE in our relationships.

As I think about relationships that have begun with a lot of promise, yet ended with those promises unfulfilled, I now see where I have contributed to their demise. In other posts, I have urged all of us to think more about the other person’s needs and stop worrying about our own. I believe that is still the best way to have positive relationships. But, I also understand that I have not done a good job of clearly expressing what my needs are. Most of my interactions with people have gone sour because the “other” person was not meeting my needs. But it really wasn’t their fault because I did not do a good job of telling them what my needs were. There are two problems I see with not letting people know what I need:

1. Even when I do not express them, my needs still exist. As the relationship progressed, those needs went unsatisfied and eventually that leads to bitterness, frustration, a sense of emptiness or confusion. None of these things are good for a relationship! While I was focused on what the other person needed, I wasn’t giving them enough information to fulfill my needs. This is problematic because from their standpoint, everything was going well, but for me there were some things missing from the relationship.
2. People tend to “think” they understand me when in fact; they are way off in their so-called knowledge. Once they feel they have me figured out, they think they understand why I did what I did or said what I said. In essence, their incorrect assessment of me starts the creation of two separate realities concerning me; their view of me and my view of me. These two worlds are more likely to collide than merge in a healthy relationship. While I obviously need to take responsibility for not clearly communicating my needs, the other person needs to own up to forming and stubbornly holding onto what they thought they knew about me. Their stubbornness is really a reflection of their self-centeredness that does not leave room for the real me to come in.
   
   

In new relationships, whether they are platonic or romantic, I am going to do a better job of understanding what my needs are and communicating them to the other person. I will continue to focus on how I can benefit the other person, but in order for the prospective relationship to work, both of our needs should be met. (If I had to put a percentage on them, I would say 80% focus on the other person’s needs and 20% focus on my needs.) In exchange for me trying to be clearer on what I need, it is my hope the other person will not succumb to the temptation to “have me figured out” and truly take the time to get to know me.

If we both can keep up our ends of this potential partnership, then we both will be positioned to DO MORE.

Do More!

The holiday season and the end of the year is a time of reflection for me. As I think about how things are going in my life, I must confess that there is always more I could have done. I could have called more, emailed more, prayed more, smiled more, helped others out more, etc. In short, I understand that I could have done more and I could have been more.

In my relationships with family members, friends, co-workers and others, it is always easy for me to see what more others could have done. But, I am not responsible for what others do or do not do. Besides, making sure I do the right things for the right reasons is a big enoug task to keep me busy. Whether you want to admit it or not, you too must admit to being more willing to place blame on others than accept responsibility for your behavior. All of us are guilty of not being all that God wants us to be.

During this time and throughout the upcoming new year, let's resolve to DO MORE. We Christian singles should focus less on what we think others should be doing and pay more attention to what we can do. Don't wait for someone to call, you call them. Stop waiting for that email, you get the ball rolling in cyberspace. Don't delay greeting others, be the first to say hello. Don't just return others' kindness, initiate it. Lastly, don't settle for an eye for an eye mentality. Be nice, be graceful, be loving even when others are not that way with you.

I sincerely hope that Christian singles everywhere will personally commit themselves to DO MORE.

It's Friday. Is That A Good Thing or Bad Thing?

What does Friday mean to you?

Even more importantly, what does Friday mean to others who you care about? For some, Friday marks the beginning of a weekend full of fun activities with friends, romantic partners and family. This is a day that cannot come fast enough. For others, Friday is just another day of loneliness and isolation. They have no friends, romantic partners nor nearby family to look forward to spending time with.

Be THANKFUL and MINDFUL today.

• Thankful that your weekends are something you look forward.
• Be mindful of those whose weekends are just another painful reminder that they feel alone, isolated and/or depressed. Take the time to brighten someone's day that you suspect may be down in the dumps. Send an e-card or email letting them know you were thinking about them. Call someone you haven't spoken with in a while and let them know you care.

My prayer for you and for those you care for is that your life will be blessed enough that all of you can honestly and gratefully proclaim, THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!

Now That Is What I Call Spiritual!

On Sunday, December 3, 2006, there was an interesting story on CBS’s newsmagazine, 60 Minutes about the ongoing conflict between Tutsis and the Hutus in Rwanda which ended up with three out of every four Tutsi being murdered. The special focus of this 60 Minutes piece was on seven Tutsi women who hid out in a cramped bathroom for 91 days to avoid being massacred by their Hutu tormentors.

At the end of that piece, the CBS person conducting the interview asked one of these women about revenge. Her response was that revenge would only make things worse and when pressed by her interviewer that it would at least feel good, she further added that actually it would not. To confirm her resolve, she even hugged and expressed forgiveness to a Hutu neighbor who killed members of her family and who would have killed her. No to revenge and yes to forgiveness; what a SPIRITUAL answer!

For Christian singles, there is so much to learn here.

• First of all, we Christians need to let go of our spiritual arrogance where we think we are the only ones who can be “spiritual”. The truth of the matter is that the principles of spirituality can be found in various religions outside of Christianity.
• Secondly, we need to recommit ourselves to the expression of true Godly love. Far too often, we lay our so-called “Godly love” down when we encounter others who act in ungodly ways toward us.
• Thirdly, we need to embrace the Christian mandate of forgiveness and of “turning the other cheek”. In our relationships with each other, many of us vow that we will not be played or punked or taken advantage of. Furthermore, we view “turning the cheek” as a sign of weakness. Have we forgotten that the granting of grace and mercy is a major characteristic of our Christian doctrine?
  
  

If this Tutsi woman who survived the worst of what any human would have to endure can forgive and re-establish a healthy relationship with those people who hurt her and her family, how can we not do the same with those we interact with?

• So what he or she stole our romantic partner?
• Who cares that our romantic partner broke our hearts?
• Big deal that someone spread rumors about us?
  

Whatever it is that people do to us, it is our Christian duty to express Godly love and forgiveness. Let’s stop catering to our pride and trying to get an “eye for an eye”. That is so un-spiritual. Doing as Jesus has done in sacrificing His life for us and following His command to love others and “turn the other cheek”, now that is what I call SPIRITUAL!

What You Cannot See

“Whoa! Where did that come from?” Just when you thought your singleness was going great, something totally unexpected and unwelcome happens.

• That ex-romantic partner who broke your heart shows up and wants to rekindle things
• Your boss has found that one last nerve of yours to play like a fiddle
• The friend you thought you could trust lets you down
• Even your faithful dog does not want to have anything to do with you
  
  

“Not now!” you scream. “Today is the worst time for this to happen. Stop this singleness train; I want to get off.” But the beat just goes on. The sun still climbs in the sky, the wind still blows and that stubborn clock just insists on keeping up its annoying ticking.

But take a second look, the answer is everywhere. Because the sun still rises even when you kinda wish it wouldn’t, there is a lesson to be learned there. As bad as your day is, there is something UNSEEN at work that urges you to keep the faith. If the sun can still rise even as all hell is breaking loose, then maybe that same UNSEEN force that controls the sun can shed some light on your situation.

Maybe, just maybe….

Why do you worry about what you CAN see when what really matters is what you CANNOT see? It’s not the sun you need to be in awe of, but the power behind it!

Here’s praying that the invisible God of your single years will allow you to see the blessed effects of His awesome and matchless power on your singleness.

It's Not About You!

I know, I know. You are not one of “those singles” who are weak and wimpy. Somehow, you have managed to avoid those periods of depression or frustration that other singles sometimes experience. I thank God that you have mastered what it takes to be single. How great would it be if we could be just like you?

This posting is not about you. While you have managed to rise above the challenges that other singles face, there are so many others who every now and then:

• Feel so alone because they have no romantic partner
• Feel isolated because they have few TRUE platonic friends
• Feel depressed because the holidays are approaching and they do not have anyone to share them with
• Feel frustrated because they promised themselves that this year they would find true love and that promise has not come true
• Feel angry because no one seems to have the answers to the problems they face
• Feel confused because they seem to be doing everything the right way, yet things still keep turning out wrong
• Feel anxious because the attainment of their dreams seems to be slipping away
  
  

That is why this is not about you. Many of us do not have your strength and confidence. Sometimes we are up and sometimes we are down. We have good days and bad days. There are days when we are the baddest singles out there and there are other days when singleness whips our butts. Out of this mixture of victories and defeats, we are at least learning about the God we serve and our faith in Him grows each time He allows us to make it through. God’s word is true that His grace is sufficient in the midst of our struggles with our “thorns in the flesh”. Because we struggle, we are becoming more familiar with God’s delivering power. In essence, our singleness is more about Him than it us about us because He is the positive difference in our lives.

Because you have this singleness thing figured out, you have nothing to teach us. In your eyes, your singleness is so perfect that look you look down on us as weak and desperate. Now that we think about, thank God that this is not about you.

Pray and Do!

According to a news report on CNN, 1,800 children are diagnosed with HIV/AIDS each day with a majority of them being newborns.

What a way to start life!

Today, particularly during the Christmas holidays, let's be mindful of people who are suffering with this disease. Also, do not forget that one does not have to actually have AIDS to be victimized by it. In fact, many of us who are free of that virus still suffer because of how it impacts people we love.

As Christian singles, let's take the time to pray for the less fortunate, the less healthy, the less wealthy and others who are suffering. On today which is World AIDS Day, let's say a special prayer for those who are infected. And after our prayers, let's do something about all the pain and suffering that we see out there.