DO MORE, Part 2

In yesterday’s post, I mentioned that this time of the year is one of introspection for me. During this time of thinking and wondering, I have come to realize that I have dropped the ball in many of my relationships. Yesterday, I tried to drive home the point that each of us should work on ourselves instead of pointing out what others are doing wrong. Today, I want to discuss one way that I (and hopefully you also) can DO MORE in our relationships.

As I think about relationships that have begun with a lot of promise, yet ended with those promises unfulfilled, I now see where I have contributed to their demise. In other posts, I have urged all of us to think more about the other person’s needs and stop worrying about our own. I believe that is still the best way to have positive relationships. But, I also understand that I have not done a good job of clearly expressing what my needs are. Most of my interactions with people have gone sour because the “other” person was not meeting my needs. But it really wasn’t their fault because I did not do a good job of telling them what my needs were. There are two problems I see with not letting people know what I need:

1. Even when I do not express them, my needs still exist. As the relationship progressed, those needs went unsatisfied and eventually that leads to bitterness, frustration, a sense of emptiness or confusion. None of these things are good for a relationship! While I was focused on what the other person needed, I wasn’t giving them enough information to fulfill my needs. This is problematic because from their standpoint, everything was going well, but for me there were some things missing from the relationship.
2. People tend to “think” they understand me when in fact; they are way off in their so-called knowledge. Once they feel they have me figured out, they think they understand why I did what I did or said what I said. In essence, their incorrect assessment of me starts the creation of two separate realities concerning me; their view of me and my view of me. These two worlds are more likely to collide than merge in a healthy relationship. While I obviously need to take responsibility for not clearly communicating my needs, the other person needs to own up to forming and stubbornly holding onto what they thought they knew about me. Their stubbornness is really a reflection of their self-centeredness that does not leave room for the real me to come in.
   
   

In new relationships, whether they are platonic or romantic, I am going to do a better job of understanding what my needs are and communicating them to the other person. I will continue to focus on how I can benefit the other person, but in order for the prospective relationship to work, both of our needs should be met. (If I had to put a percentage on them, I would say 80% focus on the other person’s needs and 20% focus on my needs.) In exchange for me trying to be clearer on what I need, it is my hope the other person will not succumb to the temptation to “have me figured out” and truly take the time to get to know me.

If we both can keep up our ends of this potential partnership, then we both will be positioned to DO MORE.