One of the reasons why I write this blog is to help us all look at our singleness from a spiritual perspective. Often what happens is we resort to cliches instead of delving deeper into God's expectations of us as singles. If not cliches, then we darn near drown ourselves in the sea of false religious piety. Interesting, ain't it?
In a few of my postings, I have suggested specific things we could do differently that might help us start and maintain longer and more fulfilling romantic and platonic relationships. But instead of us being willing to try some new things, most of us have responded with empty excuses and weak cliches. Underlying all of this jive talking is a fear of change and an unwillingness to put our trust in God into action. Interesting, ain't it?
In my posting on March 17th entitled, "Have You Lost That Loving Feeling?", I warned against the dangers of always responding with "yes, but".
(See http://mooskm.blogspot.com/2007/03/have-you-lost-that-loving-feeling.html)
When we should be looking at ways to reach more people and to establish more relationships that are healthy and life-affirming, most of us would rather weakly respond, "I can't or I won't do that". Interesting, ain't it?
And then we get to Shenequa getting married. Instead of looking to her to help us, we blow it off by saying that Shenequa is settling. Really? It looks like Shenequa has put into action her faith in God and we are the one who are settling. We are the ones who won't make that call or send that email or respond with a smile. We are the ones who will be watching tv on Friday night while Shenequa will be enjoying time with her fiance or husband. We are the ones who keep trying to convince ourselves that God must have His hands in our state of being without a romantic partner. We are the ones who are blindly hoping that God must have a reason why don't have a wedding date. Shenequa is settling? No, the truth of the matter is WE are the ones who are settling and we are doing it by hiding behind excuses, cliches and false proclamations of religious piety. Interesting, ain't it?
As I approach 2008, I know I need to change or I will get the same results. I know I must be willing to put my spiritual muscles to work if I am going to enhance my life with healthy life-affirming relationships. I understand that God has not called me to whine and settle for less than what He has ordained for me. I realize that instead of criticizing Shenequa, I should be thanking her for setting the example. Interesting, ain't it?
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6 comments:
Kevin,
First of all, I realize I am a piece of work and I am striving to change and be the very best person I can be.
It is OK with me if you feel I am simply quoting cliches because I am living my life by the word of God.
I am doing all that I need to do when it comes to my singleness; and have made every effort to build relationships but I cannot make anyone call me, return an email; go out with me; find me attractive; return my holiday greetings or whatever...you have no ideal how much this person rejection has cost me.
Mr. Writer, Be honest with me would you keep trying to build a relationship with a person after trying for over 6 months,"don't think so"? the message is quite clear they are not interested in any type of relationship with me. For now I am retired from relationship building it is too much work - if this is an excuse "O Well".
I am going to move on and do whatever I need to do to get over "you" or whomever,I could careless what label you put on it, I have to do what is best for me and if you wish to call it cliches and false proclamations of religious piety then go for it...You should first walk in my shoes anyway, I will still pray for your good... (smile)
I understand that God has not called me to whine and settle but he has not called me to be married either I don't believe therefore I am moving forward to what He has ordained for me.
Yes, it is interesting, ain't it?
PEACE OUT!
Another long one, sorry.
Okay Kevin,
I hear you talking brother.
I even went back to read "Have You Lost...?"
You have the capability to reach numerous people through your blog and your activities at church and your books. You can reach people through your job or your other professions. You come in contact with many women. So you can have these relationships that are healthy and life affirming. This is because you have the opportunity to choose. (Didn't you do a blog on this one too) You are using the options that have been given to you. If rejected by one, you can move on to the next.
I am quite sure you have been approched by women in the past. But for some reason or another they were not what you are looking for in a mate or any other relationship other than just a "friend" and you moved on to the next. Again I say that you have that option.
Women on the other hand will not go out continuously searching for that special person. We may do it once or twice and then that is it.
I approached a male once and I was told that I was not what he wanted. But he is entitled to that. Because I have turned down males because they were not what I wanted.
There are no excuses or cliches. I call, drop by and am always available. But the light bulb went off. Why do I do these things? Am I that desparate to have or need that person in my life that I do all these things just to remain a "friend"? Sounds pathetic doesn't it?
I deserve better than that and more. I am quite sure that Shenequa didn't do that. And if she did, it didn't take 6 years for her relationship to blossom.
Enough is enough.
I look at my singleness as a temporary state of being. I refuse to be miserable, depressed or get so desperate that I have to settle for whatever crumb I can get. My God is to good to let me settle for that. If it's a Friday night and I am home alone, maybe there is something else that I need to be doing instead or worrying why I don't have a man to hang out with. Maybe I need to turn that TV off and read a new book.
I am not going to walk around with a flag waving, "Single, I want a man NOW".
I read your blog to get that extra spiritual guidance from another single's view. But I don't agree with you on this one.
If I read your blog as a way to get close to you or gain
your affections it would be another story.
As for Shenequa, she has gotten what she wants. The others who have become engaged or are already married have also gotten what they wanted. There must to have been something there for Shenequa to have been going out with the dude in the first place. It takes two to make a relationship work. The good and the bad. Apparently in each couple, both wanted the same thing.
So like you 2008 is approaching and we all have to make changes or we will continue to get the same results. You know, the home alone thing. I want those healthy life-affirming relationships just as you do. So I will not settle for what I have in the past. If I say that I trust and believe in God as I have, then I must put that trust into action.
I love life and I want to live it to the fullest. I will continue to cherish each day that I am blessed with. I will not run after or chase any man. If God has that great love for me to experience then I am here and ready.
Life is full of people and it is okay to disagree. So as your friend, I hope we can continue to agree and disagree.
So make a change and move on. But it is interesting for a man to give advise to us women on what we should do to get those healthy, life affirming relationships. How many of us women are sitting at home on Friday or Saturday watching TV and really nothing else to do? I am quite sure that all you have to do is pick up the phone, drop an email or do a drop by and you will have someone to hang out with. But since you have not met that special person who has just jumps out at you then what? Will you continue to sit home or are you going to take that chance and go for it?
Interesting, ain't it?
LBJ"s"
Just one quick observation to some comments made. I won't argue against your belief that men have more options than women. I think women sell themselves short when they accept that they do not have options as men do. They may not have the same options as men, but they do options.
Second, it is important to clear up a misconception about me. I do not meet alot of people and I don't hang out alot and I don't have the ability to send an email or make a call and voila, I have a date for Saturday night. In fact, I probably spend more time alone than most of you who read this blog. That's my life and I accept it. In one of my postings, I posed the question of why we do not believe what others say about their circumstances and I suppose people will believe what they want to believe. One thing I can say is that when I write about singleness and desiring a mate and feeling lonely, I am not writing from the point of theory, but of actual life experiences which I beleive God has allowed me to interpret from a spiritual perspective.
Bottom line for me and for anyone else who wants to see different results is this: Am I going to live up to my calling as a Christian or am I going to continue being wimpy in my spiritual journey? We may want to use fancy cliches or spiritual jargon to mask what is really going on, but how else can we explain us falling short of what God wants for us?
Again Kevin,
I say that you have a greater opportunity to get out there in your profession. A lot of them are female. Correct me if I am wrong. This gives you an even greater chance to expose yourself to the member of the opposite sex. Your choices are greater. Whether you hang out, have an appointment or do have a date for Saturday. At least you have the chance to date and choose who you want to date.
Yes if a woman is in a position where she comes in contact with a lot of members of the opposite sex, she would not be sitting at her computer at 11:51p.m. unless she was working.
We are only falling short when we have opportunities and we let them slip by and then complain or then make excuses.
LBJ "s"
Kevin and LBJ"s",
I agree with the reader hands down; she is totally on point. No matter what label you would like to put on our circumstances and lack of opportunities as women it is not going to change my point of view on this blog. My singleness is what it is and each time I read these series of posting I feel I have fallen short in some way therefore 2008 is around the corner and I am going to press forward and forget about that which lies behind…and you my feel
I am still single so it is not behind me but for me it is the pass and I am going to trust God on this one BECAUSE I CANNOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT…
FYI...REJECTIONS HURTS NO MATTER HOW IT IS DELIVERED AND WHEN ONE DOES NOT RETURN A EMAIL OR SIMPLY IGNORE IT OR NEVER SAY THANK YOU WHEN SOMEONE SENDS A BIRTHDAY WISH OR A HOLIDAY WISH THAT FOR ME IS JUST LIKE SAYING “NO THANK YOU I AM NOT INTERESTED IN A RELATIONSHIP PERIOD…Yes it is obvious I am doing something wrong but I will wait on God on this one…
Happy New Years and continue to be a blessing!
NO MORE IN 2008!
Thanks to everyone for your comments. This is the kind of dialog that helps everyone.
As we approach the new year, I encourage all of us to open ourselves to new ways of looking at our singleness. God has so many blessings for us in store if we don't block them by refusing to see the bad habits we have adopted and mislabeling them as divinely purposed.
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